Forgotten Dreams
by Angelxd14
Summary: The story of life before children, before death. This is the story of three men, and the women who changed them, or rather, made them.It takes a lot of work to be happy, and true to love, but pasts and consequences seem to get in the way(Adult themes)
1. The Curses of Insomnia

Disclaimer: I do not own ANYTHING from Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K Rowling.

Author's note: This story starts off on a bit of a sad note.  It is a story about Lily and James, along with the rest of the Marauders.  There are conflicts and separations, and a lot of drama and confusion.  There are also a couple of original characters.  This is not just L/J.  Sirius and Remus have a story too. It takes place after Hogwarts, a few years after in fact.  Lily and James did not have Harry right away, but they still die in 1981, which means they graduated earlier.  Don't be confused by the dates.  This is the sequel to The Things We'll Never Say, which I am currently writing.  It can, however be read on its own, and actually I advise it. WARNING: spoilers of TTWNS in here! That said, Please read and review, thanks!

Rating: R for excessive language in some parts, mild drug and alcohol use, violence, and sexual situations (not in explicit detail, only insinuated)

~*~*~*~*~*~

"We have evoked history, and here it is…..we march on all bent over with this baggage…..The past kills the future."-Michelet

(February 13, 1979)

She couldn't sleep.

As she lied there in her bed she couldn't help but let out a deep sigh of frustration.  She hoped for a dream, or even a nightmare to put an end to the daily struggle of getting up in the morning and facing the world.  It never came.  It no longer mattered to her. She hadn't dreamt in months.  

Her eyes, although closed, kept revealing constant images to her, of worry and pain.  She thought about her life, their life, and what it had become.  It saddened her more.  She was thinking about that very day.  How agitated he seemed.  At breakfast he barely spoke.  His mind was obviously somewhere else.  He would never tell her where.  There were traces of tears on his cheeks he had tried to rub off, and without much success.  If she could only find out what was troubling him it would make things so much easier, and they would be speaking again.  This was, at least, what she continuously told herself.

She thought of the mission, but that was not it.  They had both been using the Unforgivable curses for months.  She hated it.  Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.  That's what Moody always said. They had come to terms with that long ago.  A raid could not have been what put him over the edge.  Not after the blood that had already been spilled, by Aurors and Death Eaters alike.

Her eyes were wide open now; there was no longer a point in trying to sleep.  It was not just him.  She felt she had also changed.  The mere thought scared her.  She thought of how she used to be, how they used to be.  She was the fiery redhead with the smart mouth and good grades, who fell in love with a man she once considered cocky and immature.   He was the Quidditch captain, a chaser, who was admired by all who new him and revered by his friends, and later, his wife.  He was a self-centered boy with charm, she thought.  But now the fire had died in both of them.  It all started six months ago, but its stimulus was a mystery to her.

Their wedding day entered her mind, although she wished it didn't.  How happy they were.  They had their whole lives ahead of them.  She thought of the heartfelt speech by Remus, and how Sirius got drunk and "accidentally" brought up the infamous third year dung bomb incident, whereas his fiancée Diana got up and abruptly left his table.  Diana always liked to make a scene, and Sirius liked to drink a lot.  He had his reasons.  She remembered little things like Severus not showing up and Peter leaving early without saying goodbye.  In reality it wasn't that long ago.  Her white dress, the Great Hall, and Dumbledore.  Their innocence was gone by then, but not forgotten.  They put the past behind them because they were young and naïve enough to do so.

She almost didn't notice that a tear escaped her eyes.  When she did it was quickly brushed away.  I do not cry, she thought.  Cowards cry, broken women cry.  I do not cry!

He was next to her, asleep, or at least pretending to be asleep.  He had a tendency to do such things.  Perhaps he thought it amusing.  Another uninvited tear managed to squeeze itself through.  Tomorrow, she thought.  Wait.  No, this couldn't wait.  

"James?" she squeaked.  She had to clear her throat to make her voice audible.

No answer.  She doubted herself again, and then mustered up the courage she pretended to possess.

"James?"

He rolled over, now facing her.  She heard him sigh.

"What?" he whispered, in a tone that expressed annoyance.  She was afraid, again.

"Nothing." She said, quickly.

"No really what?" he replied in his now impatient tone.

"Forget it. It wasn't important."  She waved her hand away and turned on her side.

"Then why did you wake me up?" he said in a monotone voice.

"You weren't asleep."

"What does that matter?" he admitted, although not dismissing his feelings of being inconvenienced.

"I can't wake you up if you are not asleep."  She was getting frustrated.

"Whatever Lil'. Goodnight."  He rolled over to the other side of the bed.

Five minutes past and she was sure he was asleep by now, but she spoke aloud anyway.

"What's going to happen to us?" she said, not expecting an answer.  It was more for her to contemplate.

He turned to face her again.

"I don't understand." He said, rubbing his eyes.

"We're stuck. James, don't you see that? Something is wrong."

"What do you mean?" he said, sitting upright.

"Oh, don't do that, James.  I hate it when you try to play dumb."

"Well, Lily what do you expect?"  He sat up and looked at the clock. "It is three thirty in the morning.  You want me to be clever and observant?"

"I never said you were clever.  But, yes, observant would be nice." She said, with earnest rudeness behind it.

"Do you really want to start fighting right now?" he said, his voice rising to a raspier, discomfited tone.  He was bordering on actual anger.

"_I_ am not trying to start a fight.  You're the one who woke up with an attitude!" 

"I wasn't asleep." He said.

"Ugh, don't get smart with me." She said, and pulled the blanket up to her chin.

"Alright."  He paused for a long while.  It was about five minutes. Maybe it was ten.

"You are insufferable."  she said, clenching her teeth.

"That's it?"  He sits up.  "That is what you want to tell me at this hour?  You are unbelievable. Do you know that!  I would never dream of bothering you now for fear that you might hex me but when you want to "talk" I have to sit here and listen to you go on and on about things that don't even matter.  No, I wasn't asleep, Lil' but I would like to get in two hours at most before I have to get up and do the same shit I have been doing for months.  I have been sitting here, waiting and waiting for something to happen, good or bad, so that I can get on with my life.  Do you know how much pressure is on me right now?  I can't even leave the house anymore!  Don't you understand what is happening to me?!  I am dying here Lily and you have the nerve to tell me that _I am insufferable!"_

He turned over and pulled the covers over his head, dramatically, emphasizing his point.  

She sat there, running his words over and over again in her head.  Who was this man?  He didn't even bother to acknowledge that she was also a part of his life.  He never bothered to understand that she feared for her life, their lives, every day.  He was being as cowardly as she feared.  How could this be?  She didn't marry a coward.  No, she thought. James was no coward, just as she was no coward.  He was brave. She knew that.  She was brave. She knew that too.  Why then, were they so scared?  She then reached for her cigarettes on her nightstand.  She took one out and lit it.  According to her, it helped her think.

"PUT.  THAT.  OUT." She heard.  She could have imagined it, but she didn't.  Apparently, she was not the only one who had insomnia that night.

In reality, she couldn't hear him.  She was no longer there.  His muffled complaints were of no consequence to her.  She was somewhere else, far away.  She was by the lake, at Hogwarts.  James was there too, smiling.  Your imagination can get you out of many situations, whether they are manifested occasions or the sweetest of memories.

(June 1, 1975)  

_"Why did you bring me here?" _she asked.__

_"I just felt like going for a walk."_ He said, slowly, as if thinking about the words carefully.__

_"Okay.  We're not walking."  _She said with a giggle, letting go of his hand and running it through her hair.__

He then turned to face her._  "I love you," _he said._  "Lily, you know that, right?"_

_"So you tell me."_ She replied, crossing her arms.

_"Well, I know I have been well, difficult over the past six years, but, um, you are the only woman I want to be with.  I have never felt this way about anyone."_

_"Thanks.  You're not so bad yourself."  _

_" Don't joke now.  What I'm trying to say is that I would do anything for you."  _He then took out a small, but beautiful emerald diamond engagement ring. _ "Marry me, Lily."  _

A smile then spread across her face.  The smile grew wider when she realized that she had started to laugh.  How unlikely this would have seemed only a few years ago!  She then noticed his expression had changed.  He suddenly seemed hurt. __

"I'm sorry I guess this is not what you wanted."  He clumsily shoved the ring back in his pocket.  "We better go in, the ceremony is about to start." he said, stuttering.

She was still laughing.   He never stuttered. He started to walk away, trying to remain a man, a man who thought himself rejected.  

He walked about ten feet when she answered him_.  "Why Mr. Potter, how quickly your confidence is shattered."  _She said.  He didn't turn._  "Come back here!   Of course I'll marry you, you stupid ass!"  _

He stopped and turned.  With a smile now on his face he ran back to her.  He scooped her up and kissed her, in the adorable way in which she had become accustomed to.  She loved him for being so cliché.__

_"I hate you." _He said._  "You saucy little witch."_

_"Well I hate you too." _She replied.  _"Diana and Sirius are going to flip."_

_"Probably.  Although, they do seem too wrapped up in each other.  Well, he is wrapped up in her at least."_

_"That's true."_

_"How could you do that to me?"  _He gently slid the emerald diamond onto her finger.  She then kissed his forehead.

_"I was having fun."_

_"You're a hoot, really."_

_"A hoot?" _she laughed.

_"Quiet."_ He said, and kissed her again.

"You know, it's just you and me, now."  She said.  "That's it.  No one else."__

"Yes." He said.  "Always."

They began walking back to the great hall, hand in hand.__

_"By the way you do know that the ceremony is over, right Potter?" _she said, a good while later.__

_"Oh shut up Evans.  It's ten in the morning and you want me to be clever and observant."_

_"I never said you were clever. But, yes, observant would be nice."_

_"What am I getting myself into with you?"_

_"Oh James.  You have no idea."_

( I know, very sad beginning, but keep reading, it gets better :) now click on that little box and make me a happy little writer!)


	2. The Fight

Disclaimer: I do not own ANYTHING from Harry Potter, they all belong to the talented J.K Rowling.

_Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten. --Buddha _

 She half smiled at the memory, and a tiny tear rolled down her cheek. Then reality came back.

"I SAID, PUT THAT OUT!" he screamed.

"You do not have to shout at me I am right here!  And I will not." She answered.

 "FINE...then leave.  I don't want you stinking up the sheets."

"Fine!"  She then got up intentionally making a lot of noise and made her way to the living room.  She sat down in a huff and lit another cigarette.

At 4:00 a.m. James began to stir in the bedroom.  No matter how uncomfortable it was when they were together, he still couldn't fall asleep without her next to him.  Constant tension.  Why did she hate him so much?  He couldn't figure it out.  He used to make her laugh and she used to think him adorable.  Who could love him now?  He was nothing.  She was the brave one.  In the last year alone she had sent four inner circle death eaters to Azkaban and killed two others.  He was the trophy husband compared to her.  He didn't deserve her, he thought.  He had been unfaithful in the past and to this day didn't know why, for he only truly enjoyed making love when it was with her.  He loved her. That was the only thing he did know.  How could two people, once so devoted to each other become strangers in such a short period of time?  Then again, they fell in love practically overnight.  Before then they couldn't even be in the same room without gauntlets being thrown at each other.  Never were there two people who hated each other more than Evans and Potter.  James chuckled to himself at the recollection.  Evans vs. Potter was more like it.  He never even thought her beautiful until sixth year, and even then that was only one more thing to torture her about.

(January 12, 1973)

_"POTTER!!  GET YOUR SORRY BACKSIDE UP HERE…NOW!!!" _Lily Evans ran out of her dorm in such a rage that she could have turned students to ice with her glare.  It was obvious what had happened to her.  Students began to turn their faces to laugh at her.  If she caught them they were in for it for sure.  Her entire head was completely turned into weeds.  Such a frivolous prank for a girl of her age, but she knew exactly how it had happened.  She was screaming again when Sirius Black, unfortunately, got in her way.__

_"WHERE IS HE BLACK?!"_ she bellowed.  __

_"I have no idea what you are taking about.  Are you feeling alright, Evans?" _He said, in the attractive, nonchalant manner that he was famous for.

_"POTTER, YOUR LITTLE BOY BITCH?  WHERE IS HE?"_

_"Calm down.  What has he done this time my little flower?"_ he said, with his hand on his chin.  Sitting on a chair a few feet away, a girl with wavy brown hair snickered at him, shutting her book loudly so he turned around.

_"Blimey, Black.  Aren't we just one sandwich short of a banquet.  "_ she said.  _"A bit soft today, are we?"_  She winked at Lily before marching upstairs.

_"Shut up, Renton!"_ Sirius said, slightly distracted.  His eyes followed her up the stairs, unconsciously.__

Lily took a deep breath before speaking again.__

_"Cut the shit Black, and stop protecting the spoiled wank-shaft who did this to me.  Look at me!  Are you trying to tell me you don't see any difference in my appearance?"_  She practically had him pinned against the wall.__

_"You are as beautiful as ever."  _He said, and she heard a snicker behind the couch in the Gryffindor common room.  She pushed Sirius out of her way and hopped over it.__

_"Too chicken shit to come and face me Potter?"_

A very smug James Potter emerged from the other side of the couch, rolling on the floor with laughter.  Sirius then joined him.  After about a minute they got up.  Out of breath, he leaned against the fireplace with his hands in his pockets.__

_"Oh yes, I am absolutely terrified of a green haired shrimp with an anger management problem.  Honestly Evans, get back on your broomstick and out of my sight (no pun intended). If you really want to complain like a little brat, talk to McGonagal...Unless you want me to tell her about what happened on Christmas."_

_"You wouldn't dare!"_

_"Oh you know I would.  Blackmail is my favorite game to play with you Evans."  _A crooked smile crept across his lips, the smile she hated, and now she was more then angry. She felt downright animosity towards him. __

_"You sneaky son of a bitch.  I only did that out of self defense!"_

_"Don't you have to be attacked in order to call it 'self defense', liar?"_

_"Well that doesn't matter.  You deserved it. You spoiled brat."_

_"Twat!"_ he spat.__

_"Bastard!"_

_"Whore!"_

_"Bollcock!"_

_"Whore!"_

_"Wanker!"_

_"Whore!"_

_"Oh honestly Potter, could you be less original?" _she said, losing some of her energy at this argument.__

_"I think so...WHORE!"_

She lunged at him.  He then realized he was in for it and began to run up the stairs.  She was on his tail.  She began throwing things at him to hopefully knock him down, with no real success.  They were both swift and dodged each other easily.  This went on for about twenty minutes.  Then, she found her wand.  She spouted spells at him trying to disarm him.  He just ran faster.  They chased each other until he caught her off guard and grabbed her.  He pinned her to the floor when McGonagal ran in.__

_"POTTER!!  EVANS!!"_

He immediately got off of her. __

_"What in heavens name do you think you are doing in here?  You scared me half to death. I though there was a war going on in here!  You two, back to your dormitories at once!  And I don't want to see you until dinner!  IS THAT CLEAR?" _she said, with her hands placed firmly on her hips.  A small crowd gathered at the top of the stairs.__

_"Yes Professor."_ They mumbled.   She raised her eyebrow and gave a nod before she left.__

_"Oh I'll get you next time Potter, just you wait!"  _Lily muttered as soon as McGonagal was out of sight.__

_"Oh, get the bee out of your bonnet, will you?"   _They went their separate ways, slamming doors in each direction.  Roaring laughter from their roommates was waiting for them on the other side.*

James sat up.  He could not let this go on between them.  He couldn't lose her.  He walked into the living room in his boxers, and noticed her staring at the wall. Her chest was heaving in and out, and she was crying.  He saw her put her head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably.  She noticed him after a few minutes.  He walked up to her as she tried unsuccessfully to wipe her eyes.  He lit a cigarette to buy her more time.

"Hipocrite." She said, blowing her nose into her handkerchief.

"Don't give me that. We're not in bed."

"What do you want?" she said, yawning.

"I can't sleep."

"So what can I do for you, Mr. Potter?"

"You could keep me awake."

"Oh really. By doing what?"

"Listening."

"I felt I have listened to enough tonight Mr. Potter, unless you would care to retell me how much you hate your life with me."

"I never said I hated my life, and I certainly don't hate you." He said, more sympathetically.

"Well, that is not the message I got from your little rant earlier, and you had no right to yell at me!  All I have ever tried to do was make you a good home and love you with all I have, but it just isn't good enough.  All the while I was listening to you speak about how _you_ can't leave the house and that it's _your_ life that's ruined.  Did it ever occur to you that I am suffering too?  You have no idea what is going on inside me, and you won't even acknowledge my very presence.  I am unsure about so many things. I can't even begin to tell you.  You and me used to be the only sure thing in my life...and now it's shit.  It's all shit!"

She began to cry again.  She found it funny because she hadn't cried in years, not since her parents were killed.  Now all she could do was cry.  She cried for herself, and she cried for James.  The constant reminder of James would be too much for her.  She clutched her stomach in emotional pain.  He stared at her in wonder. The brave one, he thought.  He grabbed her shoulders to steady her, for she was about to collapse.

"No, Lil', _this _is not shit!  This is what is keeping me alive!   I thought for months that you hated me.  You cringed the last time I touched you.  I thought didn't need me anymore."

 "Well maybe I don't." she said, viciously.  " I don't know anymore.  You are awful to me James and I can't live like this.  I can't, I can't.  This is killing me.  _You_ are killing me!"

"How!?"

"Oh, you don't think I know do you?  I know all about you and that _tart_, Christ! James, from what I hear she's barely out of Hogwarts!  You don't think I know where you go at night?  Do you think I'm stupid? Sirius can't cover for you anymore!  That's it!  You are just too selfish for me right now!  I will not apologize for this!"

She went into the bedroom.  She came out some minutes later in jeans and a tank top.

"Why are you dressed like that?  Muggle clothing?  Where are you going?"

"Exactly where you go every night James…out!  I need to think, and I can't!  Not with you here!  I…..I……I'm leaving you!"

"Wait, Lily, wait, please!" he cried.

"I've waited too long, and you're too late." She said, and apparated out of his life.

She stopped a block away.  She couldn't believe what she had just done.  Did she just do what she thought she did?  She needed to talk to someone.  Yes, Diana would know what to do.  She always did.

Back at their flat, James thought to himself.  Did she just…. No, she couldn't have.  This was not possible.  What was happening to his life?  Everything was falling apart.  Did she really just leave him?  Sirius would know what to do. He always did.

(Well that's chapter 2, hope you liked it.  Not so happy I know, but things will turn around soon, sort of.  Thanks for reading! Please review!) 


	3. Sirius' Advice

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K. Rowling.  
  
~"The heart has its reasons, that reason will never know."-Pascal, Pensees~  
  
No. She couldn't go to see Diana. James would be there. She and Sirius were married, and James would run off to Sirius in a situation like this. He couldn't ever think for himself, she thought.  
  
Instead, she went to Diagon Alley. There were rooms above the Leaky Cauldron that she could rent for the night. She had to think first. She would send an owl to Diana first thing in the morning.  
  
~**~ *~  
  
"You're a fucking idiot!" Sirius spat.  
  
"I'm an idiot? You're supposed to give me guidance, some words of wisdom, mate!" James cried, throwing his hands in the air.  
  
"That girl was the best thing that ever happened to you and you just jerked her around like she was a piece of shit! She well knew what you were doing. She is far from stupid! James, it's your fault this happened! In fact I am surprised that it didn't happen sooner."  
  
"You told her, didn't you?"  
  
"No, I didn't. You are my best friend, James, and even though I knew, and I wanted to tell her, I didn't. It was only my loyalty to you that kept my mouth shut."  
  
"Thank you. But, if you didn't tell her, then who did?"  
  
"I did!" Just then a figure appeared out of the shadows. She was a short, dark beauty with brown hair and brown eyes. She was wearing an old nightshirt and her hair hung down in loose waves. Sirius smiled weakly at her, as her face was bathed in moonlight, accentuating her soft features.  
  
"Well, Diana, thank you very much. You have successfully ruined my marriage."  
  
"You ruined your own damned marriage, James. She suspected that you were fooling around and I told her to check it out. She saw you herself, and I just confirmed it. Did you think that you could continue using my house for your own pleasure when my best friend was at home waiting for you? You are a piece of shit Potter, and I hope you realize what you have done, and what you have lost."  
  
"She.saw me?"  
  
"Well you weren't exactly discrete. She and I were shopping in Muggle London for a Wedding present for Petunia, when she saw you in a little coffee shop. Le Petite Café, I think it was. Ring a bell at all? I told her that I knew, and she was angry, but she insisted that you would get it out of your system. You have absolutely no idea how much she loves you, and you ruined everything."  
  
James broke out into tears. They wouldn't stop. Sirius tried desperately to console his friend. He then shot his wife a heated glare. He felt that no matter how angry he was at James, he didn't want to make him feel worse. She complied, and tried to rephrase her words.  
  
"I'm sorry James. You are my friend but Lily is my family. She is all the family I know and I just can't take it when she is hurt like this. I love you, but Lily is like my sister, you know that. Your behavior is unacceptable and if it were me I would--"  
  
Sirius shook his head at her, silently, and she stopped.  
  
"Prongs, she doesn't-" he began.  
  
"No, you're right, you're both right." He sobbed. "I've lost her, forever, and she is never coming back, not to me. I don't deserve you, or her for that matter. You are so lucky. You would never hurt Diana like I have hurt my Lily. What is the matter with me? I am so stupid."  
  
"Now, now Prongs. Don't talk like that. You can't just expect her to come crawling back when you're the one who screwed up. Here's what you have to do. Give her time, a week at least. She has to think, and so do you. You have to think about how you want to leave things. She loves you. You love her. Win her back but not right away. She wants you dead now, and you don't want to die. Despite the fact that you have not been getting along lately, does not mean that she can live without you. I know her well enough to know that she is suffering right now. You have to sort out your priorities. And if you have any sense at all, you won't let her go. You two are perfect for each other. You clash horribly but never have I seen two people who meant more to each other, despite past differences. With the jobs we have we do so much with hate. Our lives are ruled by it, especially now. The last thing we need is a war with each other. Do you understand?"  
  
"Yea. Thanks Padfoot." He dried his eyes before getting up.  
  
"Do you want to stay here for the night?" Sirius offered. He held his hand up to Diana, because she was about to protest.  
  
"No, I think I'll go home. I can think there."  
  
"Alright. Owl me if you need me. Okay Prongs?" he said, carefully, as if he were speaking to a small child.  
  
"I will. See you tomorrow. Besides, if I stayed I fear your wife would kill me in my sleep."  
  
"No. She would wait until you were awake to do that. It would be more fun for her that way."  
  
"Why Sirius Black, how dare you make me out to be such a person." She said while making herself a cup of tea. A sly smile spread across her face.  
  
"Sorry baby. I didn't know you were still there." He blushed, and then winked at her. She smiled sexily back.  
  
"Well, I had better go. Thank you both for everything." With that he kissed them both goodbye, and walked out. Once he was gone Sirius turned around to his wife.  
  
"You were so horrible to him Di'. He is obviously in a lot of pain. You were so cold." He said, putting his hands slowly around her hips.  
  
"Don't accuse me of being cold, Sirius. If you recall you are the one who opened with 'You're a fucking idiot!' when the man was sobbing like a child. I was stating the truth, and personally, I loathe him right now. And your little performance was adorable. You were almost sincere." She said, wrapping her arms around his neck.  
  
"I am sincere, darling. I have to baby him. He is so confused. And, well done, my love. You apologized, even though I know you didn't mean it."  
  
"Oh I meant it, but I still loathe him. Now, I don't want to talk about him anymore, even if he did wake me up at 5:00 am."  
  
"Wow, I didn't realize it was that late, or this early. Well, no point in going back to bed now."  
  
"And what, ma chére, shall we do to occupy our time?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sure we will find something to do."  
  
"Oh Sirius, I just made myself tea." She said, unraveling herself. "You're going to have to work a bit harder than that."  
  
"Babe." He groaned. "You just look so fetching in that little t-shirt."  
  
"It's yours. And how could you think of sex at a time like this?" she said, tossing a spoon carelessly in the sink.  
  
"Just because some people have marriage problems, doesn't mean we all have to abstain of certain pleasures. It comes with the territory."  
  
"So I'm territory?" she said, leaning against the sink.  
  
"Yes. And, an impossible one to take over. I still haven't explored all of you." He said, as he took her wrist. She put the tea down.  
  
Then, he took her hand in his and led her into the bedroom. She pretended to resist, but as he gently slid his hand up her shirt, she gave herself to him. He kissed her hair, and whispered, "je vous adore", before shutting the door.  
  
(Je vous adore means I adore you or I love you :) 


	4. Unexpected Encounters and Confessions

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K. Rowling

_"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."-Emerson_

_*Dear Diana,_

I assume that you have heard what has happened.  I have left home and last night I rented a room at the Leaky Cauldron.  Please don't tell James where I am.  I can't face him, not now.  I want you to meet me here this afternoon at 12:00pm, for lunch.  Come alone, there is much to say.

_                                    Love Always,_

_                                                Lily*_

Diana got up to find a letter on her nightstand.  It hadn't been opened, so she read it.  Sirius was already up and was making breakfast in the kitchen.  Had she even slept at all? It was only 9:00. 

"Sirius!" she shouted in the midst of a yawn.  "When did this letter get here?"  She heard his muffled reply through the French doors and running sink water.  He was humming loudly and off key, but stopped to answer her.

"About 20 minutes ago!"  She got out of her bed.  She put on her robe that was placed gently at the foot of the bed, and walked into the kitchen, tying it into a messy bow as she entered.

"Good morning, darling. How long have you been up?"  She gently kissed him on the cheek before pouring herself a cup of coffee.  

"I haven't gone to bed. Not after last night." He said, lightly tapping her backside.

"Aren't you tired?" She said, yawning and leaning against the counter.  "I slept fine."

"No dear, although you were very helpful in keeping me awake.  I was thinking about our friends.  We are all falling apart."  He took out his cigarettes and lit one before pouring his own coffee.

"Well, these are hard times." She said, taking one of her own and joining in the action.  "I'm surprised they're the only ones we know so far."

"Yes, but, I mean--"

"What, honey?" she said, serving herself eggs.  "Give me the cream, babe." She said.

"Well, what I mean is, that if James and Lily can't make it, then what hope is there for the rest of us?" he said, placing the cream in front of her.

She laughed.  "There is always hope, Sirius.  Never forget that.  We have just as much hope as they do.  Look at us, and how far we've come.  Look at how much I adore you today.  They _will_ make it.  They are too devoted to each other to ever live apart for too long.  Believe me. We know them.  Never were two people so stubborn.  Once they get over their egos, they will go crawling back to each other.  It's a cycle.  It's just like school.  He must win her back, and she must take him back. They work together, for God's sake.  We all work together.  We have to be civil to one another.  I don't want us to fall apart either.  If we can make it, Sirius, then they definitely can." She said, touching his cheek with her hand.

"But I thought you loathed him." he said, rubbing her hand sweetly, as if warming it.

"I do.  Now.  But I meant it when I said that I loved him, and I love her.  And you know as well as I, that wherever there is a Lily, there is a James."

"Yes.  But what about us?" he asked.  "Do you think it will always be as it is now?"

"What do you mean, Sirius?" she said, reclining back to read his expression more clearly.  "You have faith in this marriage, don't you?" she said, blowing a puff of smoke smoothly into the air.

"Yes, Diana.  I have faith in us.  And I happen to think you are the most beautiful, hauntingly wicked creature ever to grace the earth.  You need not question my fidelity."

"I didn't." she said, smiling.  She felt his arms wrap around her again.  "And you need not question mine.  You take up all my energy as it is, ma chere."

"As it should be." He whispered.  "So I guess that means we have the same complex as them?" he asked, letting go of her, reluctantly.

"Well, wherever there is me, there is you.  I promised you that."

"I remember." He said, buttering a piece of toast.  She sat at the table, opening her paper and singing the tune he had been humming before. 

"I want you to want me.  I need you to need me.  I love you to love me.  I'm beggin' you to beg me….." she began to bounce slightly on the chair.

"Would you love me if I were insane?" he said, randomly, sipping his coffee.

"Oh, these silly games." She said, seeming annoyed at the interruption of her thought.  "Yes, because you would still retain your dear perfection that you owe without the sanity of your mind."

"So it's all about my dark looks, isn't it?" he asked, tossing his head back, mocking his own cockiness.

"Well, it certainly helps."  She smirked.  "You know how darkness attracts me."  She took another puff of her cigarette.

"What about if I were a thief?"

"It depends on what you stole, but it wouldn't matter much to me." She suddenly saw the headline on the cover of the Daily Prophet.  She hadn't been paying attention until now.

**_EVIL UNMASKED: What Is The Proper Punishment for the Unforgivable?_**

Three Outer Circle Death Eaters face Excommunication and possible Execution after the discovery of……… 

"What about…a killer?"  

"Sirius, I'm trying to read this." She said.  He gave her puppy dog eyes, and she melted, sighing.  Then she folded the newspaper up.  "Well, Mr. Black, sadly, we are already killers. That cannot be helped."

"So your love would not stray from me no matter what then?" he asked.

"Well, no.  If you betrayed me, or anyone I love, then you would have to pay dearly for it, and I would train myself to forget you."  She was half kidding when she said this, even though she felt a pain in the pit of her stomach.  This confused her, but she dismissed it quickly.  She turned her confusion into a smile.  "What about you?" she asked.

He seemed to have his answer ready, and folded his arms.  "If you lied to me." He said, most seriously.  

"Enough of this rubbish." She said, uncrossing her legs and getting up. "I must be off."

"Where are you going?"

"To meet Lily.  We are having lunch."  She ran in her bedroom.  "Or brunch, whatever." She called.

He picked up the paper she never finished reading.

            _……discovery of their identities and Ministry positions, yesterday in the heart of Muggle London.  Mistress of Magic, Millicent Bagnold was unavailable for comment and the trials of these perpetrators is underway and will be held presently.  Bartemius Crouch is in the process of questioning such offenders in hopes of acquiring the identity of other Dark supporters and the location of their leader. _

_ Acclaimed Auror Lily Potter, who was responsible for the capture of one ruffian, simply said, "We are just doing our jobs." Husband, and Heir to the Potter fortune, James Potter, was supporting her from the sidelines.  He was joined by his peers, Mr. And Mrs. Black, and the legendary Alastor Moody…..."_

Sirius heard his wife start singing again from their bedroom.  "Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'. Oh didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin.  Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'. Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'? "

"We're in the paper, Diana." He shouted, lighting another cigarette.

"Really?" she said, buttoning her blouse and peeing her head out the door.  "For what, yesterday?"

He nodded, and then read on:

_  Diana Black, Potter's colleague and fellow Auror extraordinaire explained to the Prophet the true importance of this capture, or lack thereof.  "What you people don't realize is that these people don't matter to the Dark Lord, or else they would have been given a lot more protection.  Lord Voldemort wouldn't just send three servants into the middle of a populated city expecting them to complete some important mission, whatever that may be.   These supporters of the Dark Lord were merely a distraction.  This was just a convenient way of getting rid of them, and more importantly, wasting our time." As you can see the dark lord is cunning.  But as a member of the press, I am comforted to know that the Witch and Wizard community of England and Europe alike has such brave and talented Aurors protecting our streets.  But one question still remains unanswered, no matter how much time was "wasted": Why are Muggles and Wizards still dying at the hands of the Dark Lord, and what is his mission?_

Sirius tossed the paper aside.  "They made you sound really bitchy."

"Oh well." she said, calling back, and laughing.  She was fixing her shoe straps and pulling the zipper of her skirt to the back.  "I'm off now." She said, kissing him on the cheek.  "Love you, madly."

"Love you, deeply." He said, cupping her cheeks with his hands.

"Love you, truly." She said back.  It was a game they played, and often.

"Love you, passionately."

"Love you, irreversibly."

"Love you juicily." He said.

She straitened up.  "Juicily?" she asked, laughing.  "I'll remember that."

She waved him off, finally, and left.  He was left eating by himself, thinking about her, and how much he cared for her.  He shuddered when he thought of how things could have turned out, but didn't.  She chose him, and that was final.  He began humming a tune she used to sing.  He had forgotten how the words went.  It had something to do with the moon, and a prostitute. But it was in French so the words never really mattered.  It was the fact that she sang it that mattered.

~**~

It was about 12:00 when Lily began walking through Diagon Alley.  She was killing some time before meeting Diana for lunch.  She was closely looking at Quidditch supplies when a familiar face spotted her, and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Lily!"  She spun around to see one of her old school mates, Alice Ferguson.

"Alice!  Why it's so wonderful to see you dear!  How have you been?  I am so sorry I haven't written in a while, things have been, well, difficult." She said, all in one breath.

"Oh don't worry about a thing, I completely understand.  I have been so busy as well." She said, with a secretive smile.

"Are you still dating Longbottom. You two used to be inseparable?"

"Yes. In fact we are engaged." She said, trying feebly to hide her excitement.

"Oh that is just splendid, Alice.  When?" she said, swallowing to keep from exploding.

"Well, we have to keep it secret, you know, considering…but I will owl you as soon as we have a date, and you'll have to give a copy to Diana and Nicole too.  Oh, I do miss them."

"Of course…"  She started, until Alice's voice changed.

"Listen, Lil, the truth is that I did not accidentally bump into you here today.  Dumbledore sent me here."

"Why?"  She was slightly confused at the manner in which her friend was speaking to her.  It was suddenly so secretive, as if the previous banter meant nothing at all.  Why would Dumbledore send Alice to her?

"Well, as you know, well I'm sure you do, that Frank is…well…"

"Oh spit it out Alice, no one can hear.  It's not a secret anymore."

"Ok…an Auror." She said, as if it were blasphemous.  Lily raised an eyebrow at her.

"Yes…And?"

"And he told me you are too." Lily huffed.  So much for the confidentiality agreement, she thought.

"So.  Why did he tell you to see me then?"

"I am thinking about becoming one as well.  I know I can do it and so do you and since I am marrying one, I thought it best to join him.  It would be easier on us.  I mean, look at you and James.  I have never seen you too fight and I think it's because you too have a lot in common, job wise I mean.  You too have it so easy and Dumbledore thought I should come to you about, well, training."

"Has Crouch agreed? What about Moody?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm sure it's all well and fine.  It's not like they can do anything." She said, lowering her voice.

"Mm hmm. Well, all right.  " she said, hesitantly.  "Why don't we meet somewhere more private to talk further about this?  Bring Frank.  I will owl you tonight about the whereabouts.  Nowadays you can never be too careful."

"Alright, see you later Lily!"  She said as she started to walk away.  "I will owl you about the invitations!"  She said this as if she was covering up something, as if that was not what they were talking about.  She has a lot to learn, Lily thought.  Was Dumbledore out of his mind?  Alice didn't even like big dogs, let alone black robed death eaters.

"Oh no, its 12:15!"  Lily made her way back to the Leaky Cauldron in time to see Diana sitting in the back, by the London side, smoking a cigarette and looking worried.

"Damn it Lily you had me worried sick!  I thought you died or something, or you were abducted or tortured or worse!  I could have had morning sex and still would have gotten here before you!" she yelled, shrilly, having no consequence for who might be listening.

"Calm down honey, I'm fine."  Lily said, and cracked her fingers.  "And, ew." 

"Well, I am sorry to say that you don't look fine." she said.

"Thanks." Lily answered, scratching her head.

"Talk to me, and tell me what happened." Diana said, motioning for Lily to sit down.  "Let's straiten this out, now."

"Alright, lets walk first ok? I can't sit here."

"Why not? I want a muffin." Diana said.   

"I will buy you one on the street ok? I just want to walk around.  Now go!"

"You don't have to push. I'm going.  Which way?" she said, pointing to either side.

She looked at the bar inhabitants and became slightly uneasy.  Diana seemed not to have noticed.  "London." Lily said.

They began to walk.  Diana thought it was lucky that she wore her muggle clothes.  She hated it when people stared.  Ten minutes passed without a word, until Lily opened up.

"I just couldn't take it anymore.  I tried Di I really did, but he drained me of everything.  My youth, my confidence, and my respect for him are gone.  I am so tired.  I work all day and I get no compassion when I get home.  He is a cold empty shell.  I thought, stupidly, that when he was done with her he would come back, that he would be the James I knew and fell in love with…My James.  I never thought I would end up being the wife who ignored everything when her husband openly defied her.  I am stronger than that, but he makes me weak.  Instead, my so-called bravery comes when I do not want it to. When we fight evil, if that is even what it is."

"I'm sorry but I don't understand what you mean.  I think you handled it the only way you knew how.  There's nothing wrong with that." 

"It might be fear that makes me act.  Do I fear for the world or for myself?  I don't know.  All I know is that the fear does not last long.  That first step, the sound of the first curse that is uttered, I am a different person.  I get a high off of the cries of a Death Eater, begging for mercy.  I hate killing but the act of dominance over another enriches me with pleasure.  I no longer care for the individual.  I could have sat next to him in potions fifth year and it wouldn't have mattered.  He could know my name and I would not care.  Something is happening to me. I don't know what.  As soon as I see the dark mark in the sky my heart leaps with joy, for now my life has a purpose, a meaning.  I can't sleep anymore.  Night after night I think about everything in my life.  My husband, my friends, and my parents."

"Your parents?"

"I think about how disappointed they would be if they knew that the act that killed them was the reason for my existence.  Was I meant to stop all this?  You, Sirius, James, Frank, and me.  What could we have been had it not been for You-Know Who?  Would I be a homemaker?  A house-witch?  Would I have some boring job at the ministry filing and researching?  I know I can't live like that."

"Lily, there is nothing wrong in liking what you do for a living.  I think you may be turning into me.  Hatred can be comforting.  I love the thrill just as much as you because for me it is a chance to get them back for everything they have done to me.  You must remember the day they died, our parents.  The thirst you feel is not for blood.  You want vengeance. So do I.  I've been defending my mother's honor since I was sixteen.  I want justice as well as you.  The reason you want that Dark Mark in the sky is so you can put an end to the evil in this world.  My favorite past of the day is when we patrol.  The mere possibility of sending a no good, piece of shit Death Eater to Azkaban gets me wired.  There is nothing wrong with you Lil, I swear."

"Thank you." Lily then embraced her.  Diana was caught by surprised, but returned it.  "Oh, what would I do if not for you?  What would I be if we went those separate ways?"

"Well, "Diana said.  "With your talent I'd probably be dead." She said.  

Lily smiled feebly, and they let go.  "Oh God Diana, what do I do tonight when I have to see him?  I can't even look at him, let alone work with him, fight next to him when all I want to do is ring his neck." She said, shaking her hands.

"It's alright.  I promise Sirius and I will do our best to keep him out of your way.  How bout tonight you pair up with Frank?"

"Yes, that would be best." She said, contemplating the situation.  "Oh, yea I forgot to tell you, Alice came to me today."

"Alice Ferguson?  What?  Why?"

"Well, she and Frank are getting married and she 'accidentally' ran into me to tell me that.  She is thinking about becoming one and Dumbledore told her to come to me about training."

"What?  I thought only the Ministry only did things like that.  Was Crouch notified?"

"Well apparently not.  He must have asked Bagnold and she dragged it out of Dumbledore.  Probably said it was for the good of the Ministry."

"Wait.  Can she just do that; I mean, just become an Auror?  We were recommended, right?  We trained for years."

"Yea.  I am sure Dumbledore said she could.  With the war raging maybe they're compromising.  She is just as strong and sweet as the rest of us.  Unless…she might be too sweet."

"Alice, sweet?  Well Lily, all that has been happening has impaired your judgment.  She was as bitchy as well…you."

"You're right. Oh, what is wrong with me?  She helped us with that killer prank on the Marauders fifth year, remember?"

'That girl was a genius.  There, feel better.  The past always brings back happy memories, even if they were our worst nightmares then.  Soon we wake up to see that it was all nothing."

"When did you get so optimistic?" Lily chuckled.  "You're a cynical, pessimistic shrew." 

Diana laughed at her, and slapped her shoulder.  Then she became serious.  "When Sirius woke me up." Diana said, smiling.  "And taught me what it was like to be loved."

"What if I don't wake up?"

"You will…hold on. Where are we?"  Lily came out of a sort of trance.  She snapped back and looked around.  They were in an alley of sorts, and in a not-so-familiar section of London.

"Shit, I don't know.  Damn it, how long were we walking?"

"I don't know. I didn't time this!  Shit Lily we are lost!"

"Well, we're not going to get anywhere with you bitching about it!  What street is this…um…Venomous Court, well that's reassuring.  Wait!  Hold on.  Do you see that?"

"See what?" Lily thought she saw an entrance to somewhere. It looked like an alley, and she could have sworn she saw a woman in green and silver robes.

"No.  Nothing.  Listen why don't you just apparate home.  I have to be getting back to the Leaky Cauldron, but first I need to buy some new clothes. I refuse to go back home."

"Okay, owl me as soon as you get back! Promise me, Evans!"

"I promise, Renton. Now go!"  Diana apparated back home.  Sirius was gone.   

Lily stood there for a moment.  She reached into her bag and pulled out her cigarettes.  Just then she saw the entrance to the alley once again.  Yes, those were definitely wizard robes.  She thought that this route must be shorter than the one they just took.  She changed into robes and went into the opening.  How strange, she thought, it reminded her of Knockturn Alley, even though she had never been there.  Wait a minute, she thought.  This was Knockturn Alley.  Lily saw the jagged sign as soon as she stepped in.  It was stained in blood.

"Oh Shit!" she said aloud.  Just then the opening closed. She was trapped.

(What trouble does Lily get into in Knockturn Alley? REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!) 


	5. Looking for Trouble

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K. Rowling. Well, I DO own Diana Renton Black, Katrina Miles, and Nicole Portman, but that's all.  
  
Author's Note: Ok there is A LOT of action in this chapter. Things are actually starting to happen to these characters. Adventure and mystery starts here. However it is still a little depressing. Well, these things take time, after all. It is VERY long so bare with me please. I have yet to introduce Severus, Remus and his girlfriend Nicole, oh and Peter too. I have to catch up so next chapter I promise.  
  
~"If we do not find anything pleasant, at least we shall find something new."-Voltaire.~  
  
Lily looked around at her surroundings. No one was looking at her so she made a point of changing the color of her robes. She didn't think any reason to turn attention to herself. She thought the people would notice muggle clothing, especially in such a dark and dingy place. She turned around swiftly and when she came full circle they were silver and green. She looked at her reflection in disgust, but no one saw.  
  
'I look like a bloody Slytherin', she thought. Although, the colors suited her. Her emerald eyes seemed to glow. They had a brightness she had never noticed before.  
  
'Knockturn Alley. How could I have been so stupid?' she thought. She had no idea how to get out of there so she continued to walk. She noticed a lot of interesting shops. Most of them sold antiques, but she knew secretly that they were meant for dark magic. She didn't feel like investigating, not now at least. She just wanted to get home.  
  
'Home' she thought. 'I don't have a home anymore.' Feeling a bit sorry for herself and getting tired of just looking, she decided to stop in one of the shops.  
  
'Borgin & Burkes?.. well, seems safe enough' she thought. She stepped into the shop and noticed right away the smell. It smelled like bad incense and burnt hair.  
  
'Dreadful, absolutely dreadful' she thought, trying to remain calm and not let her eyes water.  
  
The first thing her eyes set on was a deck of blood stained playing cards. 'Strange' she thought. 'Very strange.'  
  
She looked up and saw evil looking masks staring down at her, and a shiver ran down her spine. She felt they saw right through her, despite the robes. Why anyone would choose this kind of culture is beyond me, she thought. Then, biting her tongue, she dismissed it. Despite her thoughts, she did not bring herself to leave.  
  
Her eyes wandered to a staring glass eye, human bones, rusty spiked instruments, and the long coil of a hangman's rope. I don't even want to think about what those are used for, she thought, although a look of confusion was clearly upon her face.  
  
She was fascinated by this place. It was so sinister and evil, and had a forbidden sort of charm about it. It was like a nightmare, like all of the horrifying ones from her childhood. She was nervous, but excited just the same. She was not going to buy anything, but she felt zealous; like an impatient child whose mother would not let her get a treat in a toy store. After all, she had money. But to spend it on dark magic? No, she couldn't. Diana would crucify her.  
  
As she was about to leave her eyes rested on a unique object. It was quite pretty, prettier than all the other things in the shop. It had a long gold chain and in the center was a large black opal. She began to caress it when she felt as though a thousand whispers had suddenly flooded her mind, screaming, pleading for escape. She was mesmerized and terrified at the same time, until she heard a voice from behind her.  
  
"Exquisite, isn't it?"  
  
Lily turned around to find a man standing there. He was older than her, but not by much. 30? 40? She didn't know. She didn't care. He was handsome. He had beautiful black eyes and brown hair. He was very confident in his appearance, and spoke with a sort of suave, sly tone. She acted as though she wasn't surprised but she smiled and answered him.  
  
"Yes it is."  
  
"Did you know that this necklace is cursed?"  
  
"Um, no, I didn't." she said, growing more uncomfortable by the second.  
  
"Well, of course not. It is rumored, actually, to have claimed the lives of nineteen muggles. Fascinating, isn't it?"  
  
"It certainly is. If you will excuse me sir but I must be going now."  
  
"Tell me, what is a beautiful, young, Gryffindor doing in a nasty place like Borgin & Burkes? Unless she is looking for trouble."  
  
"Excuse me, why, how dare you."  
  
"Don't worry, I won't tell. I was young and curious once too. The dark arts are truly fascinating, are they not? So many possibilities. One can get caught up in the shear mystery of it all. The darkness, decadence of it. Don't you agree?"  
  
"I will have you know sir, that I have absolutely no interest in the dark arts." She should not have said that, not in a place like that. He made her nervous, and she didn't like it. She had to get out of there, and fast.  
  
"Well, then what are you doing in Knockturn Alley?"  
  
"I, um, I got lost." Why was she being so honest with him? He didn't have to know that. She could be there for research for school, or for flesh eating slug repellent.  
  
The man started to laugh at her, but not loud enough for people to turn around.  
  
"Lost? Well this is a hell of a place to get lost in, my dear. I suspect you thought your way out was through this particular shop?" Oh he was clever. She didn't like that either. He made her feel like a child. She was used to only James doing that.  
  
"Don't patronize me, sir! I am no child. Now, not that I don't thoroughly enjoy this particular conversation with a perfect stranger, but I really must be going. Good day sir!"  
  
"Can I at least know the name of the lovely woman who has managed to cross my path?"  
  
"No sir, you may not!" Then, she walked out. She went at a bit of a run down the street. For some reason, she thought he was following her. Not that he would. She was sure he had better things to do. How did he know she was a Gryffindor? Were they all really that obvious? This puzzled her, but not too much. She walked for another five minutes when she came to a clearing. She saw sunlight, and two friendly wizards having a conversation about the new Nimbus 1000. Diagon Alley, she thought with relief.  
  
"Exquisite, absolutely exquisite." The man said to himself as he watched the pretty redhead abruptly leave the shop. He would not follow her. Not that day, he thought.  
  
She was suddenly more confident, being with her own kind. She then noticed the clock above Gringotts. It read 4:15.  
  
"Oh shit." She began to walk briskly toward the Leaky Cauldron. That was a ridiculously long walk, she thought. She remembered that she had to be at work at 4:30. She needed a disguise. Since she was an Auror, along with the others, she had to go to a different location each time there was a meeting. Mostly they patrolled, especially in muggle towns, but tonight, she knew there was a different meeting, a special meeting. And she was late for it.  
  
She dressed in less than a minute and began looking for the address of the meeting place. She found it: 17 North Pickett Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey.  
  
Well that's fantastic, she thought. Now she had to go to Surrey. Her sister lived in Little Whinging, and she didn't plan on stopping by. Just then there was a knock on her door. She grabbed her wand as if it were a reflex.  
  
"Lily! Are you in there! Damn it we are going to be late!" It was Diana. Lily sighed out of relief, and opened the door.  
  
"Sorry, you scared me half to death! I am getting ready now."  
  
"Well that's just bloody fantastic, considering we have to go all the way to Surrey, and the meeting starts in five minutes. Oh, and did I mention that it is not on the floo network!" Diana was annoyed; Lily could tell that she had been worried.  
  
"Diana, are you alright?"  
  
"Well, maybe you would know if you bothered to answer the owl I sent you! I am tired of thinking that something happened to you! Did you get here alright?" Lily noticed the unopened letter on her windowsill.  
  
"Yes as a matter of fact. I went through Knockturn Alley."  
  
"What? Is that what you were looking at? Oh my God Lily, you could have been captured or tortured, killed, or worse.sucked in!"  
  
"Oh really honey, don't be stupid! We're not all that gullible." She said.  
  
"I'm glad you can joke about it. Well you don't know these people! They could smell a vulnerable little thing like you a mile away!"  
  
"Gee thanks!" she said sarcastically.  
  
"Oh come on, you know I didn't mean it like that. But anyways, we have to go now. We might as well apparate; it's the only way we will get there even remotely on time."  
  
"Where's Sirius?"  
  
"He left already. I told him that I would go with you because I didn't want you traveling alone. Now COME ON!"  
  
"Ok, ok. Who did he go with?" she said, tying her hair away from her face, and grabbing her robes, which Diana held in her left arm.  
  
"Who do you think?" she answered, folding her arms.  
  
"Oh, well you had better tell that husband of yours to tell that 'friend' of his to stay far away from me."  
  
"Oh, believe me, he knows. I made sure to tell him before he left. I suspect that they will just check in and leave. I told him to stay at least a mile away from us, out of your benefit."  
  
"Well, Jesus, we don't have to go setting up boundaries now. I didn't file a restraining order!"  
  
"Hey! I am just trying to protect you, you know. You don't need to take it out on me. I didn't do anything. I don't want you slacking off tonight! I also don't want Frank's life in danger because of your aching heart!"  
  
"Wow. That was cold..Thank God! I thought you had taken too much pity on me there for a second."  
  
"Never. I know better. Now, we are seriously late. Crouch will be furious!"  
  
"Oh, let him be furious. I bet the Death Eaters don't have these annoying fucking meetings. They just go out and wreak havoc on whatever and whomever they can. I mean its not like we are Hit Wizards or anything. We are extremely reputable and have very dangerous jobs. Let Crouch go out into the fields, just once and see how he likes those meetings then!"  
  
"I agree. As much as I would love to complain about the order of things, let's just apparate there ok. Then, you can complain some more." Lily nodded. In less than a minute they were at the address and met the eyes of a very angry Barty Crouch Sr., and his meek little house elf, Winky.  
  
"WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN!!" he shouted. He was growing redder every second. They were a half an hour late, and promptness was a virtue in his eyes. "WE HAVE BEEN WAITING 31 MINUTES FOR YOU TWO SLACKERS TO ARRIVE! EVERYONE ELSE HAS LEFT! YOUR PARTNER FOR THE EVENING, MRS. POTTER HAS BEEN GRACIOUSLY AWAITING YOUR ARRIVAL! MRS. BLACK, I AM AFRAID YOU ARE TO BE ALONE TONIGHT!"  
  
"Sir, may I ask why?" Diana replied, reluctantly.  
  
"Well, considering that you two have decided to switch, without my permission, you, Mrs. Black, are to have Frank's partner! If you had bothered to show up at the beginning of this meeting then you would know that Alastor was unable to be here tonight, due to his injury!"  
  
"Injury sir?" Lily questioned.  
  
"Yes, last weeks raid had injured him very severely. He will not be with us for a couple of weeks. Is that clear Potter? Or would you like me to tell your husband to explain it to you in less confusing terms?" He said through his teeth.  
  
Lily and Diana hated Crouch, especially now. He never referred to the men by their married last names. He, for some reason, did not respect the women. There were only two of them after all. Even though they both had been a huge success in this occupation, they were still looked down upon by him. Dumbledore was the only one who gave these women the recognition they deserved.  
  
"No, sir, that will not be necessary. Thank you." Lily said, submissively.  
  
"Mr. Crouch?" Diana said.  
  
"What, Black?"  
  
"How's Barty?" she asked, with a fake smile on her face.  
  
"That is none of your concern." He said, glaring at her. "And know this: I will now be so lenient in the future. Now take your place with Frank, Potter. And you, Black, get moving!"  
  
"Yes sir." They both said. Diana went ahead, and waved goodnight to Lily, while Lily went to Frank. Crouch remained in front of the house, gave them both the evil eye, and went into the abandon house.  
  
"I am so sorry Frank. Thank you so much for doing this for me tonight." Frank went to her and put his had on her shoulder. He was a tall, dark haired man, with a sweet smile and good nature, and a bit of a chubby face.  
  
"Don't worry about it Lily. It's all right. I wasn't exactly looking forward to patrolling tonight anyway. I needed a bit of a rest." He smiled at her. It was sympathetic, not phony. Lily could always trust Frank.  
  
They began walking from street to street, block to block.nothing. They were dressed as muggles, considering they were in a muggle town. Apparently, Crouch got the word that Voldomort was hiding in muggle towns, and of course, Crouch had to pick the one where Lily grew up.  
  
"I hate him." She said in a sigh. She was tired, even though it was still early. The sun set early at that time of the year. It was only 5:00 and she was exhausted. It had been a very long day.  
  
"Are you talking about Crouch or James?" he asked.  
  
"Crouch." She said.  
  
"Oh, sorry. But, don't say that Lily, I know you don't mean it. He's just a little tough on you. That's all. He's trying to break you because he knows that you are strong. It's just that he is having problems with that son of his. He means well."  
  
"Please. The man is ruthless. He has absolutely no compassion for anyone, especially Diana and me. Don't even get me started on his issues with his son. I know Bart Jr. better than he does and I've only met him twice. Once at my wedding and the other last year at some Christmas Party the Ministry was having. He seems well rounded enough though. It's not like he's a Death Eater or anything."  
  
"Well I hope not. What a scandal that would be." Frank laughed to himself, and Lily smiled back. "Besides, if he was we would know."  
  
"Indeed.Oh Frank, I completely forgot, your little bride-to-be came to see me today, rather unexpectedly. She told me about her choice of a job, and I can't believe you are going to let her do it! There are just to many risks involved! Oh, and I told her I would owl tonight but just tell her that she can start tomorrow with her training, if everyone approved. She can meet me at Flourish & Blotts and we will find a location from there. Oh, and congratulations by the way."  
  
"Thank you Lily. I told her I didn't think it was the best choice for her either but then she told me that she would rather die with me on the field, than be waiting at home for the news if anything happened to me. She told me that she wants to be with me if I die. She is extremely brave. I have to say that I am a bit relieved. Alastor is a great partner but he is a little bit high strung."  
  
"Oh, that's just Moody's way. He can't help it you know. He is one of the most famous Aurors in the world, even if he can be a bit paranoid. It's not like he doesn't have a reason. We all have reasons."  
  
"I suppose you're right." She said, not really listening to him much.  
  
They continued to chat, although not about anything important. He didn't bring up James again, much to her relief. He felt that she had enough of that today. They talked about his wedding to Alice and about the old times at Hogwarts: teachers, classes, relationships (but not James), spells, pranks, etc. They talked and walked for a solid two hours until Lily looked up at the sky.  
  
"Frank.look!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Above that house, they've struck. We had better go."  
  
They threw their disguises aside and put on black robes. They had to blend in after all. They took out their wands and headed for the house, where the Dark Mark was freshly planted.  
  
~**~ ~**~ ~**~  
  
(An/This conversation is going on the same time as Lily and Frank's conversation.)  
  
"Do you think she still loves me?"  
  
"Oh my God, Prongs. Let it go! What did I tell you about time? You have to wait. It has only been 15 hours." He said, as if he were speaking to a small child.  
  
"I know, I know. I just fell terrible, and I want to see her, if only to tell her I'm sorry."  
  
"She'll slit your bloody throat if you come within ten feet of her. Why do you think we switched for the night?"  
  
"I know. She doesn't want to see me. She's with Frank right?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm sure she's fine now, but that woman likes to hold a grudge." He said, searching through his robes for a cigarette. He took one out for James and himself, slowing down his pace, and looking at the stars.  
  
"Oh I second that. Do you think she will eventually forgive me?" he said, lighting it.  
  
"Oh my god. Yes I do, but wait God Damn it! Lets talk about something else.please?"  
  
"You're right, you're right. I'll drop it.so, how is Diana?"  
  
"She's fine Prongs. You saw her last night remember? Or was it this morning? I can't remember. Anyway, She is still fine, still a bitch, and still wants to kill you."  
  
"Well that's great. I am forming new enemies by the day. Ugh, when will this all end?!"  
  
"When will what end?"  
  
"I don't know, everything. Lily, me, the war, everything! I just want things back to the way they were, before him!"  
  
"Well I think we all want that, don't we? Things were so easy then. All we had to worry about was handing in the Potions essay on time, and avoiding McGonagal. Now, well, lets just say we have other worries, more important worries now." Sirius said. Then he paused his walking for a minute and thought. "Never mind. I was confusing us with other people's childhood."  
  
"Yea, ours kind of sucked." James said. "Sexual confusion at its best."  
  
"Uh, I was never confused about my sexuality." Sirius said, looking at James oddly.  
  
"Oh shut up. You know what I meant. Getting our wives was a giant pain in the ass. I had never been so confused about women in my whole life."  
  
"Has it changed? No." Sirius said, and they laughed for a little while. "I still don't understand mine. But she is a wildcat in the sack."  
  
"Ew." James chuckled. They walked on, patrolling, for about an hour and a half. They found nothing, and became bored and sullen.  
  
"You know, sometimes I think that if Voldomort didn't come into our lives, we would somehow be happier. If he would just stop threatening us and leave us alone, we would all be different."  
  
"What do you mean?" Sirius said. He was looking up at the sky when James spoke.  
  
"Maybe Lily wouldn't hate me so much?"  
  
Sirius looked at him with an offended expression on his face. "Oh, see I though you were talking about all of us. Not just you. You are not seriously blaming Voldomort for your failed marriage are you? Because if you are, then you have your head even farther up your ass than I thought!" Sirius began walking at a faster pace, trying to show James his anger.  
  
"Hey, don't you walk away from me! I didn't mean that, and you know it. You have just been trying to pick a fight with me."  
  
"James...I.. I don't even know what to say to you. You don't use Voldomort as an excuse. It isn't exactly a fun one. We are all suffering! IT. ISN'T. JUST YOU!" James was speechless. He had never seen Sirius this mad.  
  
"I, well, I'm sorry Padfoot. I, I, didn't mean it.." Sirius told himself to calm down. He really didn't mean to take his frustrations out on James. He really didn't.  
  
"I know, I know, I'm sorry too. I don't know what just happened to me. I have to calm down. Just give me a minute." He said, and breathed in and out three times.  
  
"C'mon, lets keep walking. We'll shake it off." He said, then Sirius hit him hard and looked up at the sky. "Hold on. Do you see that, there, over that house."  
  
"Oh no! How long do you think its been there?"  
  
"It looks fresh. Let's go." They began to run, wands ready and in front of them. The two approached the house to find Lily and Frank already there. They were panting because they too, had run. They were talking fast and Lily began to enter the house.  
  
"How many are there!?" James asked, looking at Frank.  
  
"Its hard to say! Five at least!" he replied. "Lily's gone in to check upstairs. She saw a green light!"  
  
"Ok, I'll go in the basement. Maybe they're hiding."  
  
"Good idea, I'll stay out here in case they escape. Sirius! You go round the back!"  
  
"Wait! Where's Diana?" Sirius yelled. He was worried. He looked around and could not see her anywhere.  
  
"She's coming!" Frank yelled back. "Now go!" In reality, Frank had no idea where she could be.  
  
Lily climbed the stairs anxiously. Her heart was beating extremely fast. The hallways were dark and she sensed death at the edge of a nearby closed door. She heard movement behind it. Slowly she opened the door. It creaked a little, but she was extremely cautious. She saw a man kneeling there. He was hovering over something, someone. She heard him whisper ever so silently.  
  
"Why? I don't understand, who are you people? What did you want with her?" He began to weep over what was clearly now the dead body of a young woman. At this Lily knew that he was talking to the man, or woman who killed this his wife, or daughter, who knows? She backed up a few feet, took a deep breath, and gave the door a swift, hard kick.  
  
She rushed in and looked around quickly. The man on the floor was shaking with terror.  
  
"Accio wands!" she cried and immediately two wands found themselves in her hand.  
  
The man put his hands over his head, to shield himself. There were two figures, both drenched in black. She couldn't make out faces, or even height for that matter, they seemed to swish back and forth as they moved. With that simple spell they headed for the door, which she was successfully blocking. She kicked it shut, not taking her eyes off of the two Death Eaters.  
  
The two of them began to snicker and laugh at her.  
  
"I wouldn't be so smug if I were you two. Your so-called friends have already been captured, and taken away. There is no hope, at least not for you." She was used to lying, and this circumstance was no different. There was a pause. She hesitated.  
  
"Crucio!" She didn't want to say this, but she felt she must. That word rolled off her tongue with such ease.  
  
Immediately one of them fell to the floor, in excruciating pain, too much pain to scream. With the other on the floor, the second ran to her, and drop kicked her in the stomach. It caught her off guard, and she cringed. She dropped the wands. The second one immediately grabbed his, and snickered. He then transfigured it into a sword. He wanted to play rough.  
  
Lily got up, still clutching her stomach, and did the same.  
  
"That was a big mistake." Lily felt confident now. Her father, when she was young, was gifted in the art of fencing. He taught her well. She lunged at him and he blocked her. They dueled, like two knights in a fairy tale. He knew what he was doing as well. She decided to release the other from the curse. She feared that if she kept it too long it would do too much damage to his brain, and she wanted him in perfect health in Azkaban.  
  
The second Death Eater then got distracted. The sight of his friend getting up impaired his judgment. Lily took this opportunity to strike. She got him too. It was a small wound but it did much damage. The Death Eater clutched his leg in pain; she had made the cut in his upper thigh. In a fit of rage and pain the second lunged at her for the last time, sinking the blade into her shoulder. She screamed, and fell.  
  
"Imperio!" This hit the first death eater once more, rather unintentionally. Lily tuned around to see Diana standing there.  
  
Diana lent her arm out to her injured friend. Without noticing the second Death Eater came up behind her and grabbed her. Lily stepped back to defend her friend. The death eater whispered something into her ear, and her eyes grew wide, and red. She broke free, but when she did he disapparated from their sight.  
  
"OH DAMN IT!! The fucker got away!!" Lily yelled in a frustrated tone. "And this one! Useless!" She stared at the Death Eater on the floor, not moving. Diana then released him from his curse. He still didn't move.  
  
"He's just passed out. Lets get him up. Mobilicorpus!" Diana rubbed her temples, and grabbed her stomach where she was grabbed. "What do we do about him?" She pointed to the man on the floor, who had clearly fainted.  
  
"Oh shit. We've got to get him to a hospital." Lily said.  
  
"Who was the girl?" Diana asked, sighing.  
  
"I don't know I didn't see her face. She is under the man."  
  
"A muggle?"  
  
"Let's see." The two girls gently lifted the man off of the dead body. As he rolled over the two women gasped and Diana covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh no, my God!" she said, trying not to scream. She then turned to Lily. Lily felt as though she couldn't breathe. They stared into the cold eyes of Katrina Miles, their old friend from Hogwarts.  
  
"How could this have happened?!" Diana asked, shocked. Lily was speechless.  
  
"I had no idea she was married." Lily said, not blinking. The two girls just stared in front of them at the now dead body of their fellow Gryffindor.  
  
"We should bring her down too." Lily said, wiping away the fragments of tears.  
  
"Ok. Mobilicorpus!" Katrina's body rose and followed them down the stairs. After a few silent minutes Lily spoke.  
  
"By the way, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU! You had me worried sick." Lily shouted, taking gasping breaths. It was either that or sobbing.  
  
"Oh don't give me that! I was fashionably late. And it should be you who was worried for a change. It isn't easy being alone you know." She said, as a tear rolled down her cheek.  
  
The two women walked down the stairs with the body of the Death Eater and Katrina following behind them. When they approached the front yard, everyone was already outside.  
  
"Nothing?" Diana asked them, wiping her eyes. Sirius looked at her sympathetically.  
  
"No, there were only those two in the house, and Lily had that covered, so we thought." Sirius answered.  
  
"Well, Mrs. Potter did you think that you were here to have a little fun? Did you think you would play a little before you brought those two in? I will not tolerate this kind of behavior from you!! Your job is to capture and/or kill the followers of he-who-must-not-be-named, not to 'fight' them if you DON'T HAVE TO!"  
  
"I'm sorry sir I was merely defending myself--"  
  
"Oh is that so. Well, no matter. Where is the other one?"  
  
"He escaped sir." Diana answered for her, her head up high.  
  
"Escaped...Escaped? How?!"  
  
"If you can't see Crouch she is injured!" Frank hotly added, pointing to Lily.  
  
"Shut up Longbottom. I did not ask you! And whose body is that? I thought I told all of you to leave the crime scene alone--" Crouch was trying best to retain his authority.  
  
"Oh my God." Frank said. "It's Katrina." They all rushed to get a closer look, all except for Lily and Diana.  
  
"30 seconds. 30 seconds and she'd still be alive. It's all my fault." Lily whispered to Diana.  
  
"Don't Lily, not now." Diana rubbed her back to console her. "We have to get you to a hospital."  
  
"I'm fine, really. Don't bother yourselves."  
  
Just then out of nowhere came Millicent Bagnold. Beside her was Albus Dumbledore. Apparently, Crouch had notified them of the disturbance.  
  
"Well done Aurors! Well done! Which one of you caught this disrupter of justice so I can congratulate them?" No one was smiling. No one was moving. They all stared at Lily. Dumbledore took notice of this. He also recognized the pale face of Katrina, once so full of life, once so full of promise. 'Merlin' he whispered to himself.  
  
"Ah Lily, once again you have proved yourself to be quite the hero in these matters! We are so proud, and eternally in debt to you! James! Aren't you glad you have this clever beauty around to whip you into shape?" James' head propped up. He was trying to take his eyes away from Lily. He hadn't said a word all night. Not to her. All he did was inspect, when the true criminals were upstairs, with her. He could have helped her, but at that moment he lacked the courage to do so. He nodded at Bagnold's statement.  
  
Lily noticed his demeanor as well, but said nothing. Dumbledore knew. He knew everything. He sensed the tension as soon as his feet hit the grass.  
  
"I think that is enough, Millicent. These brave youngsters are not up to conversations I am sure. You are all excused at once. Now go home. I will have you all know that I am giving each of you three weeks off to grieve and arrange your lives in order."  
  
"Excuse me Dumbledore but only I can give them time off." Crouch said.  
  
"Not tonight Bartemius. These men and women have lost a friend, if you haven't gathered. Mrs. Potter is injured and needs to see a doctor. You have worked them hard enough. If I am not mistaken, Lily, don't you have to start training Alice Ferguson tomorrow?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Right. Then I give you all permission to leave. Unless, Bartemius, you have a reason to keep them here any further."  
  
"No Albus. All right, that will be all for the night, enjoy your breaks! But, I want you all to know, that if I need you, if the Ministry needs you, you are to be on call twenty-four hours a day! Goodnight to you all!" With that he dissaparated.  
  
"Yes, yes indeed, goodnight, and bless you all." Dumbledore then dissapparated after him.  
  
All five Aurors went up to each other and hugged as if it were the last time they'd ever see each other. Lily wept on Diana's shoulder while she cried in Lily's hair. She then went over to Frank, so did Lily. The three of them engaged in a long, heartfelt embrace. Sirius went to his wife and kissed her. He gave Lily a brotherly embrace before dissapparating with Diana back home. Lily then waved to Frank again and dissapparated herself. James was there with Frank and they hugged too. When Frank was gone he then realized that Lily wasn't there. He wanted so much to hug her, to kiss her. He wanted to take her home with him and make love to her over and over. Instead, he looked around, sighed and was gone in an instant, just like the others.  
  
(Lily and James will get back together soon! Until then, sit tight and PLEASE REVIEW!!!)* 


	6. Old Friends and Enemies

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K. Rowling. I do own, however, Diana Renton Black, and Nicole Portman.  
  
"Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good."-Emerson  
  
(*Two weeks later....*)  
  
For the past two weeks James and Lily have remained apart. James was often seen throwing the quaffle back and forth in his backyard, the backyard that he and Lily shared only a couple of weeks ago. Quidditch seemed to be the safest distraction for him. When he was in the air his head was clear, and he could stay far away from the reality that was his present condition. Otherwise, he thought of her every minute of every day. He thought that he was absolutely nothing without her and constantly reminded Sirius of this. He stayed at their home and Lily still retained her little room above the Leaky Cauldron. Even though the separation was hard and painful, she had grown accustomed to it.  
  
Diana and Sirius remained the same, although Katrina's death was especially hard on both of them. Crouch simply dismissed it in the Daily Prophet as a casualty of war. To him she was just like the others. She had no name, no face, but to Lily and Diana, her lifeless expression was one they would never get out of their minds. It was burned in them forever, and whenever they thought of her they felt a strong sense of guilt, especially for the fact that they couldn't give her a funeral. Crouch would never have allowed it.  
  
The Muggle police found Katrina's husband in the upstairs bedroom the next day. He seemed to have gone mad, and was admitted to the Muggle infirmary for the mentally ill. He kept shouting gibberish about wizards and green lights.  
  
Lily and Alice met five times a week at Flourish and Blotts at 11:00am. They would have lunch and then begin her training. They would have to go to a different location every time, for fear of being discovered. Many of Voldomort's supporters were out and about, and they did not want to be found. They trained for hours; this was Lily's distraction. They practiced every form of combat imaginable. Alice was growing tired of the nonstop training, and grew irritable. On this particular day they decided to train in an abandon warehouse on the far end of Charing Cross Road, about a half a mile from Diagon Alley.  
  
Lily was tired. They had been there four hours already. They had gotten an early start and it was only 1:00pm. Her muscles hurt and she had a headache, but they had to finish.  
  
"Ok Alice lets try it again."  
  
"No, Lily, I'm tired!" Alice sighed.  
  
" I don't care! Do you want to do this or not?"  
  
"I do, but can't we just work on the wand defenses?" she whined. "I hate these muggle training exercises! I mean, punch! Kick! Squat! Block! It's really hard!"  
  
"No shit, now stop complaining. This is what goes into it. We have to know how to fight like muggles as well as wizards. Plus, it gets us in better shape."  
  
"Well, I bet the Death Eaters don't have to train like this. They just use magic to stay in shape."  
  
"Well Alice Ferguson, I am surprised at you. Have I taught you nothing? Death Eaters have NO stamina. They rely on curses, not strategies. And who says they are in shape? We have to fight against them and we don't know what methods they will use."  
  
"Well what about the curses. Surely we could just use those, can't we?"  
  
"We try to use the curses as little as possible. Fighting like a muggle catches them off guard. They don't expect it. More importantly, it improves our coordination and strength. You don't want to be weak do you?"  
  
"Um, no."  
  
"Well let's go then. I'll do it with you this time. Monday we can continue with the Curses, and I'll teach you how to block them."  
  
"Oh, alright. Frank never told me you were going to be so mean about it."  
  
"I am NOT being mean. I am being fair and I am telling you the truth. Do not expect kindness from this job. Crouch alone will make you feel like you are nothing just because you are Frank's fiancée. You will thank me for it later, I promise. Besides, you should be thanking me for doing this for you. Crouch trained me and made me cry twice."  
  
"You, cry? Don't make me laugh." Lily stared at her, wide eyed. She then folded her arms at stared. Alice felt a little embarrassed. "You mean actual tears?"  
  
"No I mean floods of tears. I was only 18 after all. I was a child. Not to mention that I was a newlywed and terrified of Death Eaters."  
  
"Alright, I'm sorry let's do this. When do we finish?"  
  
"About a half an hour. Let's go."  
  
They continued to train for the next thirty minutes. By the end of it they were both sweating and panting.  
  
"Ok, are we done NOW?" Alice asked.  
  
"Yes, were done you big baby. Do you want to go somewhere and eat?"  
  
"Absolutely. Where?"  
  
"How about Florean Fortescue's?"  
  
"Ice Cream again? I thought we had to stay healthy?"  
  
"We can be healthy tomorrow, now lets go, and this place isn't exactly inviting."  
  
They walked out of the warehouse and began to walk down Charing Cross Road. They walked through the Leaky Cauldron in a hurry, not noticing anything or anyone, and went strait to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. Lily ordered a chocolate sundae with whipped cream and fudge, while Alice ordered a banana split. Mid way through they struck up a conversation.  
  
"So how is everything Alice? Is Frank treating you alright?"  
  
"Ha ha. Yes as a matter of fact. We think the wedding will be sometime next month. We are actually going shopping for wedding robes this afternoon. It turns out there will be no invitations. Frank thinks it is best. God forbid one got into the wrong hands."  
  
"Oh I completely understand. It would be Auror central and if it was invaded...well I don't want to even think about what would happen."  
  
"That's what I said. So it will only have to be a few people. You, Diana and Sirius, Nicole and Remus, Dumbledore and McGonagall, and well, James of course, I mean, if that's alright with you."  
  
"Why does everyone think I am a fragile little girl who can't handle him in my presence. I am still married to the man you know. It will be fine, I promise. He is your friend. I understand that. I never asked you to choose."  
  
"I know I just want everyone to get along, that's all."  
  
"I know you do sweetheart. I promise you have nothing to worry about." With that she took Alice's hand in hers, and smiled.  
  
"Do you think you will ever go back?" Alice asked.  
  
"Back to what?" Lily pretended that she didn't understand the question.  
  
"James you silly fool? Who else?"  
  
Lily thought for a minute before answering. She breathed in and out in deep sighs before answering. "I guess..well...he has to give me a reason to go back. He hasn't even attempted to locate me or ask anyone how I am. For all I know he could care less about me. He could treat me like he did before. Why would I want to go back to that?"  
  
"I see your point. I think he is avoiding you because he thinks you hate him."  
  
"Well good. I want him to think that. Let him know how it feels to be treated like crap for once. Maybe now he can make up his own mind about what he wants." Lily looked up at the sky and thought for a minute. "Although..."  
  
Alice's head propped up. "Although what?"  
  
"Well, he did say that our marriage was the only thing keeping him alive."  
  
"What! When did he say that?"  
  
"The night I left."  
  
"How could you leave him like that?"  
  
"Are you kidding me Alice? I hope you are not trying to make me feel guilty? HE cheated on ME! He deceived ME! I did what was in my best interest at the time and I DON'T want to talk about it anymore!"  
  
There was silence as they finished the remains of their ice cream. Then they heard bells. Once, twice, then three times.  
  
"What time is it?" Alice asked. She had a worried expression on her face.  
  
"It's 3:00 why?"  
  
"Oh I have to go with Frank to try on wedding robes, remember? I am horribly late. He is going to be so angry. I'm sorry Lily for bailing out on you like this but I must dash. Give my love to the girls, and I will see you Monday!"  
  
Lily waved back to her friend and gave a sigh. Now what was she going to do for the rest of the afternoon? She had no errands, not that she knew of anyway. She missed James terribly at that moment, but sighed and dismissed it. She reminded herself that she was stronger than that. But, secretly she wanted him back. She couldn't believe what she was thinking. She wanted the lying, cheating, no-good, son of a bitch to come crawling back to her. 'Stop it!' she told herself and realized that she had to do something soon or she was never going to get that thought out of her head.  
  
She thought about where she could go. She absolutely, positively, most certainly did NOT want to run into James. It would be disastrous because at that moment she was extremely vulnerable. He would definitely be around Diagon Alley at this moment and she didn't want to go back to the Leaky Cauldron. Knockturn Alley perhaps? No, how did that thought get in there? She wondered.  
  
Hogwarts? No, what could she possibly do there? Hogsmeade? Maybe, possibly? Yes that was a bright idea; he would never be there. But what would she do there? She thought. Well she did have a craving for a butterbeer, and no one made them like Madame Rosmerta. Yes, that is precisely what she shall do.  
  
With a newfound, yet silly mission she apparated out of Diagon Alley and found herself at the edge of Hogsmeade. She was right in front of Dervish and Banges, the wizard equipment shop on High Street.  
  
Before buying her butterbeer she decided to do a little window-shopping. She spotted Gladrags Wizardwear and went in to take a peak. She noticed the usual items. There were robes for all occasions and a small section on imitation Puddlemere United Quidditch Robes. She got bored quickly and started to examine, for some reason, the gigantic selection of socks. There were odd and came in all shapes and colors. She was slightly amused and then remembered her craving for a nice hot butterbeer. She abruptly left the shop without taking a second glance.  
  
When she walked out she noticed Zonko's and Honeydukes. She smiled to herself. These shops reminded her of her school days. She would come here on weekends with Diana and Nicole, with Katrina following close behind. Her expression suddenly grew sad at the thought of Katrina, but she soon snapped out of it. They would go with their boyfriends and bring huge bags back up to the common room. They hardly slept those nights, playing jokes on each other and eating until their stomachs nearly exploded. Those were the best days of her life, she thought to herself.  
  
She was on her way to Zonko's. She just wanted to look for a minute. Her eyes wandered into the other buildings until she came upon the Hog's Head. She peered into the window, half not paying attention, when she saw a man hunched over the bar. He had shoulder length black hair and she knew who it was instantly.  
  
'It's three thirty in the afternoon' she thought. 'Who gets drunk at this hour?'  
  
She then went in. She had her arms folded. Her old school mate never looked up, or even noticed that she had entered. The bar was deserted, except for a few people crowded around a table in the back. They appeared to be playing poker. She walked closer to the man and sighed loudly.  
  
"Severus." She said, with a touch of pity in her voice. "What are you doing here?"  
  
He quickly got up, as if he were asleep, and looked at her. He had large bags under his eyes and his hair was messy. It looked like he kept running his fingers through it over and over again. He was obviously drunk, but he was coming off it. He immediately knew whom that voice belonged to. It had been embedded in his mind for the past 12 years. He loved that voice, and that voice's owner.  
  
"Lily." He said. His voice sounded raspy and tired. He was overworked and she noticed. He tried to think of what to say. "I was...um..just having a drink before work. It's harmless I assure you."  
  
"Harmless eh. Damn it Severus look at yourself! 'A drink before work'. Do you think I am stupid? What is going on with you? I am seriously worried. Do you even know what time it is?" There was anger and frustration in her voice.  
  
"No I don't. Now if you will excuse me I..."  
  
"Oh no, you aren't going anywhere until I get some answers!" She pulled up a stool next to him before he could get up. "You there! Bring me a Firewhisky!" She shouted at the bartender.  
  
"Please Lily I would just like to be left alone. Your so-called wisdom can't help me. Nothing can help me now." For some reason his attitude got to her. She remembered him being, well, not so happy, but it used to be part of the little charm he actually had. Like a sad, desperate poet.  
  
"Now that's not true. Come on, you used to talk to me, back at school, remember? Now it wasn't that long ago."  
  
"Those days are dead, Lily, and we are two totally different worlds now!" His manner changed from severely depressed to angry and she didn't quite know why.  
  
"What do you mean by that?!"  
  
"Nothing, now just go away!"  
  
"Listen you! You don't have to attack me for trying to help! And it's not fair of you to say that! Just because we don't speak to each other often and I happened to have married your arch enemy doesn't mean that we don't live in the same world anymore!"  
  
"Oh Lily it has nothing to do with that! James is not my arch enemy, although I still haven't quite forgiven you."  
  
"Then what?" She yelled at him.  
  
"I can't tell you!" He said, emphasizing every word. He tried to get up, but fumbled and then fell flat on the ground. As he got up he grabbed his head in pain. He tried to sit on the stool again, but tripped over it and landed hard on his behind. Lily was still angry but the pity in her eyes never left. She shook her head at him and uncrossed her arms. She attempted to help him up but he shoved her away.  
  
"No!" he cried.  
  
"Stop it Severus!" She grabbed him by the arm and yanked him up. He fumbled as he arose but landed in her arms with a hard thud. This then knocked her over into the bar. She let out a cry of pain. The rest of the people in the Hog's Head noticed their behavior.  
  
"Hey! You two! Keep it down over there we are trying to finish a game here!" Lily and Severus ignored them. Instead he got off her and tried to straiten up, with little success.  
  
"You are a mess." Severus just nodded at her words.  
  
"Will you at least let me take you home?" she asked.  
  
"No, it's alright. I can manage."  
  
"Well obviously you can't. Where do you live?"  
  
"No, it's ok, really." He stressed his last word, hoping it would convince her. It didn't.  
  
"I am taking you home so either you tell me where you are staying or we can wander around Hogsmeade for the rest of the afternoon. Either way I am not leaving you in this condition." She crossed her arms, emphasizing her point. Severus groaned and then let out a pitiful "alright."  
  
"I'll lead you." He sighed. He then grabbed his coat and she helped him put it on. They knew each other so well. It was a pity, he thought, that they were not allowed to speak to each other. He thought about what life would have been like if he had gotten to her before James.  
  
They exited the pub with his arm leaning on her shoulder. They walked to the edge of Hogsmeade, near the Three Broomsticks.  
  
"Do you want to take the train in or shall we apparate?" she asked  
  
"Apparate. If not we will be on the train until tomorrow morning."  
  
"Alright. You have to do it with me though or else it won't work. Are you strong enough?"  
  
"I think so. Apparate to The Leaky Cauldron."  
  
"Alright then. On the count of three. Ready? One, two, three." In a flash they were on the Diagon Alley side of the Leaky Cauldron. She helped him through it and then they were on the other side, facing London.  
  
"Would you care to get off my shoulders now? We have to change out of robes before anyone sees."  
  
"Yes. Thank you Lily." The two of them changed out of robes and into muggle clothing.  
  
"Where exactly are we going Severus?"  
  
"It's not much farther. This way." He pointed to the opposite end of Charing Cross Road. On the far side Lily could see an old manor embellished in ivory and alabaster stone. She knew that was where he meant.  
  
They walked a little farther without a word. He was still sobering up and she didn't want to leave him alone just yet.  
  
"I'm sorry Lily." He said looking at the concrete ground. "I didn't mean to shout at you before."  
  
"That's fine." She replied, not really listening. She was thinking of James again. Severus could tell this but didn't really want to bring it up. He didn't know they had separated.  
  
They walked for about a half an hour, not speaking. It was a little awkward for both of them, until Lily finally broke the silence.  
  
"Severus. You never told me what you did for a living."  
  
He tensed up. The question had arisen. He loved Lily but he could never tell her what haunted his dreams at night, and the jarring pain he felt on his arm every time the Dark Lord called. He bit his lip and tried to think of a response.  
  
"Research mostly." He replied. "I can't really say." He thought that sounded good enough.  
  
"I understand. You don't have to tell me." She knew he had a secret, but she could tell he was nervous and didn't want to further upset him.  
  
"That's it, over there."  
  
"Wow, this is where you live? The ministry must be paying you well." She was half sarcastic when she said this.  
  
"Well actually I am staying with a friend at the moment. I am currently looking for a place to live."  
  
"Oh really? How fortunate for you."  
  
They approached the long driveway to the house and Severus struggled a bit getting through it because it was on a hill. He leaned on her again for support. When they approached the door she knocked on it, and he released her. The door opened and the fact that met them gave Lily such a sense of shock that she had an obvious look of disgust on her face.  
  
"You!" She shouted, and then caught herself, but the damage was done.  
  
"Well if it isn't the beautiful Mrs. Potter. You look more and more like a frigid whore every time I lay eyes on you. I think it's the hair; you should really do something about that. It might really loosen you up."  
  
"I think you are confusing me with your whore of a wife. That is, the frigidness, not the hair."  
  
He ignored her.  
  
"Well I see, Lily, that you have brought our dear friend home. I assume you met him at the pub he frequents." A sly smile crept across his face. "Was the happy wife trying to forget her marriage troubles? Or, better yet, was she trying to bide her time while that handsome husband of hers was fucking the student? They looked so happy last time I saw them--"  
  
"That's enough Lucius!" Severus snarled. He then looked at Lily in disbelief as she looked at the floor. He hated James to begin with, but what he did to her, he felt, was unforgivable. She, however, was not going to let that comment slide, but she couldn't think of a thing to say. The ball was, unfortunately, in his court.  
  
"Oh, and I was so distraught to hear about your little friend. What was her name again? I guess it wasn't important enough for me to remember. But hey, just another casualty eh old girl?" He lightly punched her shoulder. She shivered.  
  
"Touch me again, Malfoy, and you and your family will never see the light of day again. I have enough on you to make my actions seem to be another 'casualty' as you so bluntly put it."  
  
"And a threat too. How surprisingly out of character." Lucius said, chuckling. "So tell me, how is you living friend, Miss Renton?"  
  
"Oh, do you mean Mrs. Black?" she asked, cocking her head slightly to the side. "Blissful, if you must know."  
  
"I am happy for her."  
  
"Oh, I'll bet you are." She said. The tables were turning in her favor. He looked heated. "She asked about you the other day."  
  
"Did she?"  
  
"Yes. Not that I would know, I think she was simply thinking out loud. We were eating and she got terrible indigestion, and said it reminded her of you." Lily said smiling. "Something about the desire to vomit must have triggered your face."  
  
"Well Evans, it is so nice chatting with you, but I have a real life, and I can't be bothered with you little threats and pointless inquisitions." He said, while his eye twitched. "Now kindly get off my porch. I don't want your Mudblood odor to linger much longer. Severus, come in when you are finished talking to this filth. Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky, this one's got a broken heart." He laughed at his comment as she shut the door on both of them.  
  
"Lily I am so sorry." Severus replied.  
  
"Malfoy? You're staying with Malfoy?" She was livid. Malfoy and Lily always hated each other. It all started sometime in fourth year, from indifference to dislike to absolute hatred. But it was simply because of how protective she was.  
  
"Only for a little while. I just have to get everything in order."  
  
"Yes well I have to go. I just might vomit if I stay here any longer."  
  
"Thank you Lily, for bringing me back here. You didn't have to."  
  
"I'll tell you one thing Severus. You are so lucky that I care about you."  
  
She turned and left him there on the porch. She didn't say goodbye or wave. When she got to the end of the driveway she apparated back to the Leaky Cauldron. Her mind was swimming with insults she could have thrown at Lucius but didn't. She was infuriated, but also deeply hurt. He had hit a nerve, and it annoyed her that she let him get to her. She was also wondering how he knew about Katrina. The Daily Prophet never said they were friends, and they never stated a name. She knew he worked for the dark side, but she didn't know how to get him, and she had other, bigger fish to fry.  
  
She reached her room and looked at the clock. It was four thirty in the afternoon. She noticed a letter on the windowsill and grabbed it. She ripped open the letter and read it.  
  
*Dear Lily,  
  
Nicole and I want to invite you to dinner tonight. We haven't seen you in weeks and we miss you. Dinner is at 6. This is Remus by the way. (Nicole wants to speak to you alone though, I don't know why?)*  
  
She threw the letter down on the bed and glanced out the window. She missed Remus and Nicole and he was right, they hadn't even spoken in weeks. She felt a little guilty about it too, but they did live far away. She was sure that James or Sirius had told them about what happened anyway. She had two hours to get ready. She sighed. Sometimes having three weeks off was unnerving for her. She was restless and wanted some action. She also wanted James. She still couldn't sleep, especially now. She wanted to be held and touched and loved. She ran her fingers through her hair, got up and plopped down on the bed. She would try to sleep now, if only for a couple of minutes.  
  
She drifted off to sleep at 4:45pm but her dreams were in another time and place. She dreamt of a boy. A boy who looked shockingly familiar. A boy with piercing green eyes....and a small, lightening bolt shaped scar on his forehead.  
  
(Ok I know I said that James and Lily would get back together this chapter, but I needed to introduce two very important characters, Lucius and Severus. I needed to develop more, but next chapter they will, I promise. I want them to just as much as you. I will also introduce Remus, Nicole, and Peter. PLEASE REVIEW!) 


	7. Love Conquers All?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K. Rowling. I own the plot, and the characters of Diana Renton Black, and Nicole Portman.  
  
Author's Note: This is the chapter where Lily and James get back together, but everything still isn't so happy. Like I say these things take time and although they love each other, and recognize it, things still have to be sorted out. I am also entering Nicole and Remus (finally)! It is VERY long, even longer than chapter 5! But, they had to get back together so here it goes! Enjoy and please review, it only takes 30 seconds!!  
  
~*~  
  
"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her."-Oscar Wilde  
  
Lily woke up with a start at 5:30. She had a headache. At first she didn't remember where she was or what her dream was about. All she remembered was a flash of green light and a scream. It sounded like a baby crying. 'Very odd' she thought. She shook her head and then got up. She stretched before looking at the clock. She remembered that she had to be at Remus and Nicole's for dinner. She wasn't even hungry but she felt she had to see them. She felt a little annoyed with herself for not keeping in touch with them over the past few months. After all, they used to be inseparable.  
  
She got dressed in black pants and a long sweater before heading downstairs. There was no point in wearing robes; it was only Remus and Nicole. She was tired, but at the same time surprisingly rested. That was the longest she had slept since Christmas, and that was two months ago. The only thing that ruined her mood was her dream. She couldn't fathom what it meant. Who dreams of little boys with scars, and green lights anyway? She thought. That boy did remind her of someone, but she couldn't remember who it was so she dismissed it from her mind.  
  
She closed and locked the door of room eleven. She thought about how much she liked that room. You could hear the rustling, exciting voices of Diagon Alley, and the street traffic form Charing Cross Road behind her. She liked to think of it as two worlds colliding. One never noticing the other, and she was right in the middle of it. She liked that room.  
  
As she went downstairs she yawned a bit. She forgot what it felt like to awaken after a short nap. She asked Tom, the bartender to fetch her a mug of butterbeer.  
  
"Are you leavin' so soon Lily?" Tom asked her.  
  
"Yes, I am just going over tonight to visit some friends of mine. They are having me for dinner. I just wanted a drink before I left."  
  
"Well here it is. Who are you going to see?"  
  
"Nicole Portman and Remus Lupin."  
  
"Really. I haven't seen them round these parts in a while. They moved far away didn't they? I'll tell you, I don't know how that Nicole comes and goes from Witch Weekly every day. It mus' be awful."  
  
"I think she is used to it by now Tom. She loves where she lives and she loves her job. Besides, she apparates to work so it really doesn't take that long."  
  
"I suppose you are right. Say...How's that husband o' yours? I haven't seen you with him lately and he is in here all the time lookin' for ya."  
  
"Really?" Lily was surprised. She yawned again.  
  
"Ya. Every day he keeps askin' me if I know what room you're in. I keep tellin' him that I don't know because, well, I've been sensin' that ye two have been quarrellin'. I just mind my own business and say that I don't know a thing."  
  
"That is so nice of you Tom. I really appreciate that. Now, thank you for this I must be going. I will see you tonight when I get back."  
  
"G'night Lily. I'll have a nice warm butterbeer brought up to your room." She nodded and then began walking towards the door. Every day? She thought. Maybe he really did miss her.  
  
Just then a face appeared from the other side of a newspaper. The man was reading Transfiguration Weekly. It was James. He had not caught the conversation between Tom and Lily. All he saw was her leaving and her dark red hair shimmer in the moonlight, but only for a second. He thought to himself for a while about what he could do. He simply could not take another day without her. Just the sight of her made him nervous. 'Nervous?' he thought. She was his wife and he was nervous. He decided to go to Remus'. He knew that Sirius and Diana had gone out for the evening and he hadn't spoken to Remus in a while. It also wasn't a full moon. He wouldn't go there right away of course. They were probably eating now. He would wait an hour, maybe, or two. Nicole probably wasn't even home yet; it was only 5:30. Or was it 6:00. He didn't remember or bothered to look at his watch. So he sat there reading about the consequences of being captured an illegal Animigas. James was illegal, so he was laughing as he read.  
  
Lily apparated about a half a mile farther than their home. She felt like going for a bit of walk before dinner started. Nicole and Remus lived in Ottery St. Catchpole, quite a far distance from London. It was a muggle town, and she enjoyed the scenery as she walked.  
  
Nicole and Remus lived on a hill. It was not too tall, but a safe distance from the actual town. It was best because there would be commotion in the village if anyone heard the horrid screams of Remus when he was transformed. The house was brilliantly decorated with large ferns and willows. Lily liked it because of its seclusion.  
  
Nicole was a reporter for Witch Weekly Magazine. She reported things about wizard fashion and celebrities, and music, things like that. Occasionally she would interview famous Witches or Wizards who were honored by the Ministry for some reason or another. Lily and Diana's occupations fascinated her. She was one of the few wizard citizens who actually knew they were Aurors. Then again, they had all been best friends since they were eleven. She longed one day to be a member of the Daily Prophet. There she could right about things that really mattered to her like the war and tragedies. She wanted to become a serious writer. She wanted to write the truth, and the world was so absent from it then.  
  
Nicole and Remus never married (a/n: I know I said they were before, but scratch that). The Ministry would never allow a werewolf to marry a witch for fear of a Lycanthropy spread among the citizens. This of course, was absolutely ridiculous. Remus would never bite Nicole, at least not like that. Also, Remus never mustered up the courage to ask her, even though he knew Dumbledore would have allowed it. He never felt that he wanted to bind Nicole to him forever, because they could never have children. It just wasn't possible and the risk was too high that the child too, would become a werewolf.  
  
Lily approached the front porch of their estate and knocked carefully. Remus Lupin answered the door. His serious expression suddenly grew to joy at the sight of her.  
  
"Lily! Oh, it is so great to see you!" he said in a loving embrace. They kissed each other on the cheek twice and then hugged again.  
  
"Remus I have missed you so much. You haven't been to visit in ages."  
  
"I know but the last couple of weeks I have been, well, you know."  
  
"Really." Lily's voice softened. "I didn't even know it was time. I haven't even looked at a calendar in ages. I'm sorry James and Sirius never came to see you that night. I am sorry that there were things keeping them."  
  
"Oh it's quite alright. Peter came and that was enough." He opened the door and they walked into the front hall. It had high ceilings and a chandelier. "Besides, James told me what had happened, you know, about you two. I was so distraught over it, and I am sorry for you especially."  
  
"Yes I know Remus I was there, but thank you for your concern. You are really the sweetest man I have ever met." She smiled at him and winked.  
  
"Naturally. Oh, Nicole is waiting for you in the living room. She wants to talk to you. She has been a little cross ever since she had to find out through Diana what had happened to you and James. Be nice."  
  
"I will don't worry." A worried expression entered her face. She hadn't spoken to Nicole in a month. She hadn't told her anything. They were extremely good friends and she felt badly not telling her from her own words. Anyone would be cross at that, she thought.  
  
Nicole was standing in front of the fireplace. There were pictures above the mantel of her, Remus, and the rest of the gang. There was Diana and Sirius, and James and Lily. Every woman was in a wedding gown except for Nicole. She was a bridesmaid in all of the pictures.  
  
"Hello Nicky." Lily said. There was a little whisper in her voice.  
  
Nicole turned around to face her. She was a tall, blue-eyed woman with strait honey blonde hair. It was pulled back into a long ponytail, with a few strands framing her face ever so slightly. She was annoyed and took no trouble in trying to hide it.  
  
"What?" she said looking past her. "Did I hear something? I thought I heard one of my old friends talking to me but I must be mistaken because that person hasn't bothered to talk to me in a month!" She then turned back to face the fireplace.  
  
"Oh, Nic' don't be that way. You know that I've missed you." She attempted to walk toward her.  
  
"Well you did a really shitty job showing it. How come I had to hear from Diana that you and James have split up? You and her have the same schedule you know, and she actually took the time to tell me. Not to mention that I work about two blocks away from where you are living now."  
  
"I feel awful about that Nic' you must know that. You know I can't go inside Witch Weekly because of what I do and I have been spending the past two weeks training Alice. I have absolutely no time to talk to anyone. I haven't spoken to Diana since that night either."  
  
"Well what about the weeks before? I knew you were having problems and I wanted to talk but you were always away. You didn't even answer the owl I sent you."  
  
"When did you send it?"  
  
"I don't know. The 13th I think."  
  
"I left that night Nicole, that is why I didn't get the letter."  
  
"Oh. Well still. I would have told you, no matter what."  
  
Lily walked over to Nicole and hugged her. Nicole hugged her back and Lily kissed her on the cheek.  
  
"I would never keep anything from you, you know that. I am just feeling so awful that I have no desire to talk to anyone. I love you and you are one of my closest friends. Lets not fight over a silly thing like this. Although I can't say I blame you. You have every right to be mad at me, I deserve it."  
  
"Well maybe just a little bit. Oh, Lil' I'm sorry too, you know, for holding a grudge. I really shouldn't be mad at you."  
  
"Yes you can be mad at me. Lets just forget it ok. Next time we break up I will be the first to tell you, ok?"  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Yes I promise."  
  
Remus was listening. He was leaning on the wall at the door and smiling at the two women. They solved their problems like they were 16 years old. They were kissing and making up over a silly little fight. Women, he thought. They are so complicated but so loving towards one another. You could never break the bond between them, no matter who they marry, or didn't marry for that matter.  
  
"Everything all right?" he asked, still leaning. "Can we eat NOW Nicole?"  
  
"Yes my love we can eat now."  
  
"Thank God, I thought you two would be fighting for at least another ten minutes, and I can't wait that long."  
  
"What is he talking about?" Lily asked, with her arm intertwined with Nicole's.  
  
"Oh that. Well I told him he couldn't eat until you apologized. I think it worked nicely don't you." Nicole giggled.  
  
"Absolutely." She said.  
  
The two women walked into the dining room and sat down. Lily wasn't hungry. There was chicken and pasta and some vegetables but she didn't want any of it. Remus, however, ate it like it was his last meal. Nicole stared at him and shook her head, half disgusted with his behavior. They ate in silence. No one knew what to really talk about. Nicole didn't want to ask Lily about James but they had to fill the dead air with something. Lily spoke first.  
  
"So Remus, how is the research going?" She needed to start on a light subject, especially after the day she had.  
  
"Oh fine." He answered. Remus worked for a secret research department of the Ministry of Magic. His job was the research of Lycanthropy, the very disease he had. "We are very close to finding a cure. They say that within the next couple of years everything should be perfect. I have agreed to be the guinea pig."  
  
"What! You never told me that!" Nicole replied. She went very quickly from quiet and content to furious. Lily almost fell over.  
  
"Well how else are we going to prove it works? Do you know of any other werewolves who would agree to test a potion like this? Do you think that you can just find these things anywhere?"  
  
"First of all you are not a THING. Second, I don't want your life in danger because of some random combination of potions to see if you could be, well, not like you are. I am against it. You are not doing it!"  
  
"Well that is our only option Nicole, there is nothing I can do about it!"  
  
"You could say no!"  
  
"I volunteered!"  
  
"So that's it then? What if you die, what if it backfires and makes you a werewolf forever? What am I to do then Remus, hmm, what?"  
  
She tried not to cry but she began to anyway. She loved Remus very much, ever since she saw him on the train first year. She was so shy back then. He fell in love with her right away too. They had been together so long that they didn't know what it would be like to be separated. The thought of life without Remus made Nicole scared, and she didn't like being scared. Remus felt horrible and got up to console her. He rubbed her shoulders and kissed her forehead.  
  
"Calm down darling, I am not going anywhere, I promise. I'll see if there is any other way ok? I won't leave you ever I swear. I have the utmost confidence that it will work."  
  
"Just don't scare me like that, and never break news to me like that again. You said it as if it was no big deal. Well I will tell you one thing Remus, it is."  
  
"I know I'm sorry."  
  
Lily was watching them. It depressed her to see her friends like this. They were so in love, she thought. She missed that. She missed the stupid arguments and hissy fits they used to make. When she saw Remus kiss her she realized that she wanted to be kissed so badly. She wanted James. At that very moment she wanted him to come bursting thorough the door and carry her home and never leave her, ever.  
  
Then she remembered. She remembered how she felt when she saw him in that coffee shop. Her heart broke into a million pieces when her eyes fell on her husband, laughing the way he used to laugh with her. He stroked her hair and whispered things into her ear. It was when he kissed her that she knew. It was a sweet passionate kiss. He used to kiss her like that.  
  
"Lily?"  
  
Bastard, that bastard, she thought. He told her that he was having lunch with Sirius that day. Liar, such a liar. He just jerked her around. He didn't care. He never cared. All he cared about was himself. Her feelings mean absolutely nothing. 'HOW DARE HE!' She thought. 'How could he do such a thing?' she wondered in anger. She hated him, she thought. She hated him because he made her love him, it wasn't fair, it's never fair, she hated him, the liar, the bastard, the no good, unfaithful..  
  
"Lily, are you alright?" Nicole asked with concern. Lily looked dazed and angry.  
  
"What?" Lily replied. She had not been listening at all. She did make up her mind however.  
  
"Where were you just now? I am a little worried about you dear." Nicole said cautiously.  
  
"Why is everyone so worried!?" I. AM. FINE!" Lily yelled. "I am sick and tired of everyone asking me that!"  
  
"We're sorry honey but you don't need to take it out on us." Remus tried to calm her down.  
  
"Oh don't even talk to me Remus. You were probably in on it too. You all were, and none of you thought to tell me. We are all supposed to be friends here and you all chose him over me!"  
  
"That's not true!" Remus yelled back. "I had absolutely no idea. No one told me, and rightfully so. I would have told you in a second and so would Nicole! I can't believe you would doubt us! We don't choose. If it had been the other way around I would have said something to him!" He got up out of his chair and ran upstairs. Nicole just looked at Lily, expressionless.  
  
"I'm sorry Nic', it's just that I don't know who to trust anymore." Lily rubbed her temples.  
  
"It's ok. Diana told me that Sirius knew. I will tell you this: we are not against you. It is a tragedy what happened but you can't turn your back on us. We are here for you."  
  
"Well I don't think Remus is anymore." Lily said, cocking her head towards the stairs.  
  
"Oh he is just angry. James and Sirius haven't really bothered to owl him lately and he is upset by it."  
  
"Really? I didn't even know."  
  
"Yes. I thought that you were doing the same to me, which is why I got so angry. We don't want to be alone, especially Remus."  
  
"I know, I know, and I'm so sorry. Work has been absolute hell lately. Don't get me wrong I love my job but enough is enough sometimes. And on top of it I work with James, and it is just all falling apart. This break is making it even worse."  
  
"I understand. You all are Aurors and it must be hard. But, I think that Remus feels left out sometimes. You know he is not allowed to become one because of his condition. I do too, but the reason I don't is God forbid something happened to him or me. Who would be there to take care of him? I know you are stressed because of work, but you can always come here."  
  
"Thank you. It's just that you two live so far away and I barely have the energy to get up in the morning."  
  
"I know, I know." Nicole said, sympathetically. "I also heard about Katrina. Diana told me. We were absolutely devastated."  
  
"Oh yes. It was awful." Lily said shaking her head. There was silence for a moment, and when Lily began to speak again, Nicole cut her off.  
  
"How bout we go into the sitting room ok. We can talk in there." They both got up from the table and went into the sitting room. There was tea and some cookies already on the table. Lily and Nicole each lit a cigarette.  
  
"You know what Crouch told the Daily Prophet?" Lily said. "He dismissed it as a casualty. He also said she was a muggle, that bastard."  
  
"I know. I was infuriated when I read it. Life is not fair these days is it?"  
  
"No it absolutely isn't." Lily sighed. There is a pause. Lily thought long and hard about what she was to say.  
  
"I'm not going back to him, I've made my decision." Lily said, matter-of- factly.  
  
"To James, What, why?" Nicole asked her in disbelief.  
  
"Because I remember what it was like. The silence, the deafening silence. The insomnia, the fighting, everything. He took me for granted. We aren't the same and haven't been for months. I was just his wife. He loved that other woman. He is probably with her right now."  
  
"No, James would never do such a thing, I know him."  
  
"Well so did I. Believe me. He doesn't care and I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself over a silly dream that he put in my head."  
  
"What dream is that dear?"  
  
"Oh, I don't even remember anymore. A family, a child, who knows. The perfect life that everyone thinks we have. Not even Severus knew. But, oh, Malfoy did, boy did he ever. He spat it at me as soon as he had the chance, the bastard." Lily continued to smoke her cigarette. "I just want to be happy and I'm not. I thought training Alice would make me forget but it didn't. Every spare moment he is in my mind. I don't know how much longer I can take it."  
  
"Malfoy? How did he know? He is no sneaky I can't stand it! Always in everyone's business. But James can change. He can I know it." Nicole said, trying to convince her.  
  
"Change? Change! Damn it Nicole, think about what you are saying. He is 'James Potter'! The same man he was ever since he was eleven years old! He is still a child! He is self-centered, annoying, cocky, pompous, and smug, he always thinks he is right about everything, and he is stubborn as all hell!"  
  
"I hate to say it but you are stubborn too." Nicole reminded her. "And besides you love him."  
  
"Love is not enough! We are not compatible, we never were! And stop trying to make me change my mind!"  
  
"I'm not honey, but he does love you, we all know he loves you. Diana told me that he has been over there every day, pining over you to Sirius."  
  
"Well of course, God forbid he is alone, ever! I guess that girlfriend of his wouldn't listen to him! Bastard, such a bastard!" Lily snapped.  
  
"Well, you're not exactly taking to being alone very well either. You are falling apart, just a little."  
  
"I guess your right, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I am so confused you have no idea." Lily's expression changed drastically. She was upset now, and was trying extremely hard not to cry. "It's not fair!" she whispered.  
  
"Of course it isn't. That's what love is. It hurts. Believe me I know. Do you think it is easy? It isn't. Everything will work out I promise." Nicole hugged Lily like a sister. All three women were so close. They couldn't live without each other.  
  
"Do you feel better?"  
  
"No, but thanks anyway. I have to go though. Tell Remus I am sorry if I insulted him, I didn't mean it."  
  
"I know I will." Just then they heard a knock at the door. It startled them. The two girls put out their cigarettes and got up, leaving the tea and cookies.  
  
"Who could that be? We aren't expecting anyone." Nicole said, a little annoyed at uninvited company.  
  
"Who is it?!" The girls heard Remus yell as he was coming down the stairs.  
  
"I don't know we haven't gotten it yet!" Nicole spat back at him. "And calm down will you! Lily is still here!"  
  
"It's probably Peter, he is supposed to pick up his jacket, he forgot it here last week."  
  
"Oh, alright, when were you going to tell me this? Lily could you answer the door." Nicole said, giving an annoyed look to Remus. "I have to get some extra food out of the kitchen. God knows he'll want to eat something." Nicole liked Peter, she always did, but he was ALWAYS hungry.  
  
"Ok." Lily said. There were a few more knocks at the door. "I'm coming hold on!" She said. She opened the door quickly and then almost fumbled backwards. She was shocked to see the face of her husband standing there, and he too looked confused and embarrassed.  
  
"Lily?" He questioned, as if he didn't know who it was. Lily straitened up. She didn't want him to think she had been upset.  
  
"Remus, it's for you." She said coldly, and walked back inside.  
  
"Well is it Peter?...oh, James, what are you doing here?" That was a rather stupid question, as if he were a stranger.  
  
"I'm sorry Remus." Lily said, cutting him off. "But I must be going now, it was a lovely dinner and please apologize to Nicole for not saying goodbye." Just then Nicole walked out of the kitchen with food on a plate.  
  
"Lil' where are you going?.oh." Nicole stopped short when she saw James in front of them. Lily still hadn't left. She was glued to that spot. They all stood around oddly, and James and Lily didn't look at each other once.  
  
"I was just leaving. I'm sorry. She blew Nicole a kiss and gave Remus a long embrace. She then stomped out the door and didn't even look at James. "Bye everyone!" she shouted.  
  
Once the door was closed Lily clutched her stomach and wept. Just seeing him, only once made her absolutely mad. She hated him. She hated him for making it impossible for her to hate him. She gathered herself after a minute and wiped her eyes. Soon, she thought. Soon everything will be all right. She began to walk.  
  
Half way down the walkway Lily saw Peter approaching.  
  
"Hi Peter!" She said, trying to hide the obvious pain.  
  
"Hey Lil' how's it going?" he replied. He had no jacket on and looked extremely cold.  
  
They waved as they passed and Peter went up to the door. He walked in to find three stunned individuals.  
  
"Hello everyone! What's going on? What have I missed?" He said in a jolly voice. They all stared and resumed their positions. Nicole put the plate of food on the table.  
  
"Peter!" Remus said trying to sound cheerful. "How've you been?"  
  
"Good, good." He replied. "Hey Prongs, why so glum?"  
  
"Nothing" James replied. Peter shot James a disbelieving look "Really."  
  
"Food! Great! Nicole you shouldn't have." Peter said, trying to sound suave. It didn't work.  
  
"Well I didn't intentionally make it for you Peter but here it is anyway. We weren't going to starve you, Not that that's particularly difficult." She said under her breath. "I suppose HE is hungry too?" She asked Remus. All the women were giving James the silent treatment, out of respect to Lily.  
  
"No, I'm not staying, I just popped in to say hello." James feebly replied. "Never mind."  
  
"Prongs wait! You just got here!" Remus yelled as James turned around and headed towards the walkway. James turned again.  
  
"Remus!" He yelled. "I love you ok? I'm sorry, I just can't!" He jogged the remainder of the driveway.  
  
He wanted desperately to talk to someone but Remus seemed to be on Lily's side. Everyone was on Lily's side, he thought. He had no one to talk to. No one cared. He could go to HER, he thought. No, his mistress disgusted him, especially now. In fact, he was all talked out. He needed Lily, bad. Every night he lied awake thinking of her and the dreams they used to share. They were all forgotten. They had such high expectations for themselves. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. Even he believed their love would never die. It hadn't but they certainly didn't show it.  
  
It was obvious that he wanted her back. Why was she being so stubborn? He thought. It wasn't fair. He needs a drink, he thought. He needed something to numb the pain, at least temporarily. He knew Lily was staying at the Leaky Cauldron. He didn't care. Let her suffer for a while, he thought. Little did he know, Lily was just as bad.  
  
~*~ (The Leaky Cauldron 9:00pm)  
  
"Lily?" No answer. "Ahem.Lily?"  
  
"What!" she answered. Her head was on the bar at the Leaky Cauldron. She wasn't drunk, but she did have a headache, or did the headache never leave? There were four empty mugs in front of her, which clearly had been previously filled with alcohol. She didn't intend to drink, but she felt it was due. It had, after all, been a rough two weeks, followed by an absolutely impossible day. Tom sympathized with her so he didn't ask any questions. So she just sat there, depressed, heartbroken, and angry.  
  
"What are you doing here?" a voice mockingly asked her. She looked up. She saw who it was and rolled her eyes.  
  
"What is it with you and bars Severus? Drunk again? Well I guess who wouldn't want to be, living with filth like that." She answered, referring to Malfoy.  
  
"No, not this time. But I can see you are." He said. "I told you that I was sorry about that." He paused. "How come you never told me what happened, you know, with James?"  
  
"I am not drunk!" She said, slurring her words a bit. "And I didn't tell you for a very specific reason." She spoke her words slowly.  
  
"And what reason is that?" He pulled up a stool next to her. "You knew what I would say?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"What would I have said?" he asked, trying to keep her awake.  
  
"I told you so," she spoke, mockingly. She was upright on the stool and furious. "I knew that you would tell me that you were right and I was wrong, blah blah blah!"  
  
"Blah blah blah? What is that Lil', you used to be much more articulate." He made eye contact with her officially. She yawned at him.  
  
"Oh shut up, I know you hate him. You said this afternoon that you still haven't forgiven me for marrying him."  
  
"I was wasted what do you expect?"  
  
"People tell the truth when their wasted. Besides, you never showed up that day, so I know you disapproved."  
  
"Lily, that was four years ago, and I didn't think you actually noticed." He hesitated. "I just think you deserve better than him. You are perfect. No man should treat you like that. You deserve a man who would worship you, and love you with all of his undying soul."  
  
"You don't know James, Severus. All you know is what he has done to you in the past."  
  
"The past is the present. The present is the future. People don't change!"  
  
"That doesn't matter, we are not in school anymore, and don't criticize what you don't know! Weren't you the one who told me about the two different worlds thing? I know you are jealous and I have told you, time and time again to GET OVER IT!"  
  
This statement provoked him. A feeling took over that he couldn't control. It was then that he lunged at her. He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her to him. Their lips locked quite fiercely in a hard kiss. For him, it was heaven. She however, was disgusted. He was her friend but she could never kiss him, not like that. He let go hoping to see her reaction. Her face winced and she coughed. She then put her hand on her mouth and shoved him away from her. "I'm sorry but I can't!" she said. Then she looked at him, livid.  
  
"Don't you EVER do that again!" she screamed. "I..." She paused. "DON'T. LOVE. YOU!" she cried.  
  
She was being cruel. She knew it. But she was angry for so many reasons that she didn't care whose feelings were hurt. He was hurt. Severus was extremely hurt. He had openly given his heart to her and she stomped all over it. He was about to leave when he noticed a very angry James Potter enter the pub.  
  
Apparently he had been looking in to see if she was there. He noticed that she was, and she was with him. James despised Severus. He knew he was in love with Lily and hated him for it. She had a soft spot for him and to this day, he couldn't fathom why. He was about to just pass by when he saw him grab her and force her to his lips. He was absolutely infuriated. He went for the door and threw it open.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU!" He fumed, staring right at them. He grabbed Severus by his shirt and threw him against the bar. Lily sat there shocked and dizzy.  
  
"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!" James yelled. The whole bar was staring now. Severus was in pain. The metal bar was digging into his back. He just looked at James, evil in his eyes.  
  
"Oh shut up Potter, you pompous piece of shit!" he then spat in James' eye. James went to wipe it and Severus punched him in the stomach. James groaned and kneeled on the ground. "You are filth Potter! Absolute Filth!" James got up, clutching his stomach.  
  
"Filth huh. Me? Filth! I have to hear this bullshit from a greasy prick trying to make time with my WIFE! Go back to your little, inner circle, you fucking Death Eater!"  
  
"You stay away from her Potter I swear! Do you think I am going to stand here and watch you destroy her! You have ruined her Potter! If you even so much as touch her I will kill you!"  
  
"Not if I kill you first you piece of human garbage! How dare you tell me not to touch my own wife!"  
  
"No, but I suppose you can touch every OTHER woman in town huh?" James rammed him hard. He punched him repeatedly in the stomach and in the face. Severus fell to the floor and James continued attacking him. Severus then got up and tried to hit James in the face. He was weary and in pain, but he hit him square in the jaw. The two of them were against the bar, a few feet from the woman they were fighting over. Lily watched in horror as this event was taking place. She was infuriated with both of them. She didn't take a side.  
  
"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" She screamed. She attempted to pull them apart. They weren't paying attention. Instead they continued fighting, despite her protests. It was like years and years of bad feelings all mixed up. Severus punched James and he fell back. His left hand flung wildly into the air and hit Lily square across the face. She gasped. They both stopped and looked at her. The whole bar looked at her. She put one hand over her cheek. It was bleeding. James had hit her with his wedding ring.  
  
They both started at her blankly. She just shook her head and turned around. She walked towards the door.  
  
They both ran after her. "Don't you dare chase me!" She snapped and exited the pub. James and Severus just stared at each other.  
  
"Look what you did!" James yelled at Severus.  
  
"Me?" He laughed. "Touch her again, Potter and I swear I will kill you." Severus whispered.  
  
"At least she loved me once Snape." He growled. With that he left. Severus just stood there, then apparated to his home.  
  
He looked for Lily everywhere. It was very dark outside and all the streetlights were turned off. He assumed she apparated. But where? He thought. She was probably at Sirius and Diana's. He wanted to go there but he didn't know what to say to her. If he were ever going to get her back he would have to figure out something soon. He sucked it up and apparated to Sirius'. There was commotion inside. He could hear her screaming.  
  
"And then he has the nerve to kiss me! After everything I had just said! Oh, and that isn't even the worst of it. After I was disgusted and annoyed but who comes walking in? James! Oh and was he angry! Don't even get me started. Those two bastards had the audacity to fight over me!"  
  
"Who won?" Sirius said jokingly, and Diana pinched him in the shoulder. "Ow! I was just curious." He whispered to her.  
  
"Then what happened Lily?" Diana asked concerned.  
  
"Then they just keep yelling these horrible things to one another and defending me like I'm not even there!"  
  
"What did they say?" Sirius asked, serious now.  
  
"Oh I don't even remember and I don't even care! How could they do that, especially in a public place where I happened to be staying!" She dropped onto the sofa. She put her head in her hands and grabbed her hair.  
  
"I HATE THEM I HATE THEM BOTH!" She screamed. Diana gave her a shoulder and led her into the other room for she was falling apart. She sat her down on the bed. She took her hand off of her cheek and they both gasped.  
  
"What happened?" Sirius said, concerned. "Did Snape to this to you!?" he said, grinding his teeth.  
  
"No." she whimpered.  
  
"Well then who?" he asked, baffled. Lily and Diana just looked at him. By process of elimination he knew.  
  
"No." He said. "I don't believe it." He was pacing back and forth.  
  
"Calm down Sirius it was an accident." She said wiping her eyes.  
  
"Calm down now, it will be alright, you just have to keep it together." Diana said trying to calm her down. It was then she noticed James in the window. She tried to take Lily out of that view. James took this as the perfect opportunity. 'Idiot' She thought. Then she heard the door open and another set of footsteps enter the house. Sirius had clearly seen him too and tried to ward him off but couldn't. He then cautioned him.  
  
"Don't James, you have done enough." Diana, and this time Lily, heard Sirius say angrily.  
  
Lily got up, infuriated and all of her mixed emotions combining to form one gigantic earthquake.  
  
"GET.HIM.OUT OF HERE!" she screamed at Sirius. "I MEAN IT! DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME POTTER I SWEAR!" She yelled at her husband. Diana tried to ward her off but she pushed her away. Sirius was trying to block James from her but he also pushed him away.  
  
"Lily! Listen to me!"  
  
"NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!" She yelled. "I HATE YOU!" She ran into the kitchen.  
  
"Why don't you just hear me out? We can solve this!"  
  
"What! Just like we solved things back at the Leaky Cauldron? Are you bloody Mad?" she screeched.  
  
"Oh come on Lil', the man KISSED YOU, how could you expect me NOT to react that way!" Diana and Sirius still tried very hard to block them, temporarily. They hadn't actually begun to fight yet.  
  
"YOU, have NO right to be jealous of me!!!!" she screamed.  
  
"YOU'RE MY WIFE!" He yelled back at her.  
  
"Since when does that mean ANYTHING to YOU?!!!"  
  
"SINCE I MARRIED YOU!! Jesus Lil' do vows mean NOTHING to you?" That was bloody stupid. Even Diana and Sirius knew that. He was clearly, not thinking.  
  
This is when she exploded.  
  
"Vows?..VOWS!!! HOW DARE YOU ACUSE ME OF NOT KEEPING MY PROMISES POTTER!!! You have no right, do you hear, NO RIGHT!!" He cut her off.  
  
"Oh, so THAT'S what this is about! You're still upset by THAT!"  
  
"WHAT?!! OF COURSE I AM YOU STUPID BASTARD! YOU MADE A FOOL OUT OF ME!"  
  
"You are so selfish!! You know that?!!!" He crossed his arms in anger.  
  
"Oh my god, you did not just say that to me." She chuckled. "Selfish? I'm selfish?" She continued to laugh. No one knew what was going on. "Are you serious?" She said. "You have to be the stupidest man I have ever met in my life!!!!" She pulled out her wand and pointed it at him.  
  
"Did I fuck another man? Huh? Did I ignore you and make you feel like you were NOTHING?" She was circling the table, with him on the other side. "Did I fucking hit you James?!"  
  
"That was an accident, I wanted to hit HIM!"  
  
"Well you didn't, did you? They were right, EVERYONE was right!" She withdrew her wand and walked out of the kitchen. But before she walked out, she grabbed her left hand and pulled off her wedding ring. She threw it at him, and it landed on the tile with a faint clinking sound.  
  
"Lily!" he yelled, shocked at her action.  
  
"Fuck you, you fucking hypocrite!"  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Home, I am getting my things, I have had enough!" Sirius and Diana still sat there, dumbfounded and confused. They all had watched Lily leave and James follow her. "Oh my God." They both said, looking at each other.  
  
"STOP FOLLOWING ME!!" she screamed as he followed her out the door. She then apparated to her home. It was a flat in muggle London close to Diana and Sirius. She hadn't been there in weeks, and James was right behind her. She arrived in front and threw the door open, he never locked it. She ran upstairs. James still frantically behind her. He walked in on her starting to pack. He tried to think of something to say.  
  
"You are not seriously doing this?!" He asked in disbelief. She didn't even look up.  
  
"And what do you plan to do to stop me?" She spat back. He went over to her, attempting to grab her arm.  
  
"Don't you fucking touch me!" She angrily said. Her hand formed into a fist. She continued packing.  
  
"You know what?" he said. "Fine! Go! I don't give a shit anymore!"  
  
"Good! Now kindly get out of my way!" He was in front of the closet, blocking it. He moved.  
  
"This is just one big roller coaster ride with you isn't it?" he said, leaning against the bedpost. "You just LOVE to torment me!" He threw his hands up in the air.  
  
"Do you even know what you are talking about anymore?" she asked. "That's the thing with you James. You don't give a shit about anything! You want me to leave, and when I do, you say I am tormenting you! Make a fucking decision! But noooo, you are not the insufferable one. It's me! It's always me isn't it!" She yelled, shoving clothes into a small suitcase. She then looked at him intently.  
  
"Oh, and if you don't give a shit, how come I, supposedly, am the only thing keeping you alive?" She cocked her head. James was embarrassed.  
  
"Because..." He didn't know what to say. "Oh, do you always have to twist everything around to confuse me?"  
  
"Yes, well you get confused so easily." She sarcastically replied.  
  
"Don't make jokes, it's not funny." She eyed him wearily.  
  
"I don't care." She sighed. She attempted to walk out the door but James was in her way. "Move." She said. No response. "MOVE!"  
  
"No! You are not leaving things like this!"  
  
"You love to make this my fault, don't you? God, James if you only knew. Now get out of my way!"  
  
"I refuse to let you go. No Lil' not like this. You can't leave me again like this."  
  
"Well tough! I'm sorry if I'm not thinking of YOUR feelings right now!"  
  
She attempted to push him and he wouldn't budge. She tried again and this time he pushed her back. She was still furious that she grabbed him by the shirt and with a zap of her bare fingers, flung him across the room and into the bedpost. The bed was on the other side of the room. She looked at her hands in surprise. She didn't even have her wand on her. It was in the bag. James was surprised too. He was in very serious pain at the moment and looked at her confused.  
  
"How did you?" But speaking hurt him. His back and neck were killing him. She got suddenly scared and picked up her bag and went down the hall.  
  
She was half way down the stairs when she heard her husband call her. "Lily.." He feebly spoke. His voice was raspy and dull.  
  
She suddenly couldn't go another step. She heard him call again. He needed her, she thought. 'Damn it.' She was still furious but felt extremely guilty. She turned around and went back up the few steps. She stopped again, and then went into the room. She threw the bag to the side angrily and shook her head. She walked over to him. He refused to make eye contact with her. She stood there, staring at him.  
  
"Get up Potter!" she spoke. No answer. "Come on, I didn't push you that hard."  
  
He groaned. She then knelt down to him. After a few moments her anger melted. She leant him her arm and he wouldn't take it.  
  
"Just Go." He whispered. She looked at him. "What?" she answered and looked up.  
  
"You can leave."  
  
"Well I can't just leave you on the floor, can I?"  
  
"I'm no good for you, you deserve better. You deserve to be with a man you love, and who loves you better than I can." There is silence. She didn't move.  
  
"Oh, Don't do this now." She said, frustrated.  
  
"What are you waiting for? I am releasing you from me. It's okay." He whispered. "I won't hurt you anymore." A tear fell onto his cheek. She noticed and wiped it away for him. After a minute or two of debating, she touched his hand, and held it. For a few more moments they sat there. Then she pulled him up, he groaned again, then leaned against the bedpost while seated on the bed. She folded her arms and looked at him. 'Pathetic.' She thought.  
  
"Do you remember what it was like?" he asked her. She looked at him. "When?" she replied.  
  
"Before..." he said. "Before all this." She nodded. "We barely spoke that day, didn't we?" he said. She nodded again.  
  
"You were always somewhere else. I never understood it." She said.  
  
"I know, I'm sorry..." she cut him off. If he was like that he was going to listen to why she was leaving, for good.  
  
"I thought it was just because we were going through a rough time and that it would pass. Then I saw you.."  
  
He cringed at her words. If he was guilty of anything it was that.  
  
"I saw you laugh with her and kiss her. Then I knew it wasn't you. It was me. Then I thought that I could change for you and you would outgrow her, but time passed and you didn't."  
  
He still sat there, listening to her reasons.  
  
"That night you tried to make love to me, you remember. Yes, I cringed when you touched me, but only because I knew you had been touching someone else that very afternoon. I had been observing you when you arrived home. You walk differently after you, well, you know."  
  
"Do I, I didn't even know.." She cut him off again.  
  
"Just answer me one question James..." He nodded.  
  
"Why?" There is a pause. He sighed and hesitated to answer her.  
  
"Honestly?" he asked her. "I was afraid." She doesn't understand.  
  
"Afraid of what?"  
  
"Well, you, I just felt that you had outgrown me. You were always so brave and, everyone loves you and, you just became too much."  
  
"Too much?"  
  
"I think a part of me wanted to hurt you. I guess I wanted to make you...not perfect."  
  
"Oh James..." She said, annoyed, but not angry.  
  
"No, wait. I know you are not perfect. You are stubborn and spiteful, and you always think you are right. You get angry for the wrong reasons and hold the longest grudges I have ever seen. You think that I have no idea but I do. I know you, probably better than you know yourself. I know when you are in pain and I know when you are happy. You are not happy. You can hate me it's all right. I know that you are here because I am in pain and you don't want guilt. I understand that. It's guilt that holds you to me."  
  
"Love holds you to me." She spit it out, accidentally. "Unfortunately."  
  
"Love?" he chuckled. "What is love anyway? People who are in love don't treat each other like this, do they?"  
  
"No, I guess not. But, if you know me that well you must know that I don't hate you James. I can't hate you."  
  
"Why not? You have every right to, you know."  
  
"I know, and believe me I've tried."  
  
"I don't doubt that. You used to be the rock upon which I stood, you used to adore me, and when you were gone, I fell, hard. I may say that I am strong and brave but I'm not."  
  
"Yes you are. Why do you think I turned out this way? You're the one who taught me to be brave. You reminded me, when we were young that we can't be cowards in this day and age. Believe me James. I know you too, or at least I think I do. You are a bastard, an absolute bastard, you know. I should have left you months ago, any sensible wife would have. But, I thought that if fragments of you were still left, fragments of our past, then we could work through it. The thing is, now, I don't know how much of you is left to salvage. Is there enough?"  
  
He stared at her blankly before answering. "Enough? Enough. What is enough? I don't know."  
  
"Well, you want me back, you have made that quite obvious. Why? You want me to be happy yet you want me to leave you. But, I know you want me to stay. Why?"  
  
"Because....because to me, you... Because without you, I cease to exist. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for making you come back up here. I'm sorry for not telling you every day that I loved you. I am sorry for her. She means nothing to me. I thought she did, but compared to what you mean to me..." He began to stutter, his lips quivering. Lily's eyes began to water.  
  
"What I am trying to say is, very inarticulately, is that from what I have learned, over these past few weeks, is that I would rather be beside you during the worst times in my life, than having the best times with someone else. I promised you once that you could always count on me, and even if we were separated or divorced, I would go into a burning building for you. I would die for you; feel pain for you, anything. I would go up against anything, or anyone, to make sure that you are safe, and happy.." he reached for her and squeezed her hand.  
  
"It is because I love you that I can let you go.."he said, through tears. "So leave now, and be happy. Marry Snape if you wish, I can't stop you. Do what your heart wants." Lily had her hand over her lips, fighting back the exploding tears that would follow. She got up and walked to the other side of the room. She nodded to him. the she walked out. At first James' heart stopped. That was it, he thought. She walked to the other side of the stairs. She took two deep breaths and let out one loud cry. She then turned around again, tears streaming down her face. She thought for a minute, two minutes, five. She paced back and forth, annoyed, touched, in love, out of love, she didn't know.  
  
Her chest was heaving profusely. She walked back over to him in that room.  
  
"Damn you Potter!" she cried. He just stared at her in disbelief.  
  
She knelt down beside him, and took his hand, calmer now. She put his hand over her heart.  
  
"Do you want me to stay?" she asked, trying desperately not to cry. "Because if you ever." she put her head down.  
  
"Yes. Yes I do." He put his hand on her hair, and stroked it.  
  
"Well then that's it then." She said, wiping her eyes. She stood up. "For now."  
  
"But what about..everything, everything I have done?"  
  
"You can spend the rest of your miserable life making it up to me, that's all."  
  
"It's not because you feel sorry for me?" he said. She gave him her arm and he leaned on her. She helped him to the front of the bed, where he could rest, or at least sit up strait.  
  
"I don't feel sorry for you, you deserved it. Besides, you should know by now that I have never felt sorry for you."  
  
He smiled at her. It was the first time she had seen him smile in months. She smiled back, and it was understood. She would stay that night, and every night thereafter, although she did not know it at that moment. She just looked at him. There was still so much left unsaid between them. At that moment she didn't care. She needed him and he needed her.  
  
"I hate you." She said.  
  
"Well I hate you too." He answered.  
  
They smirked at each other. They each remembered their engagement. They shook their heads at one another. They were crazy, and they knew it. Diana's words had rung true for both of them.  
  
Where there is a James, there is a Lily. One simply can't exist without the other. For the first time they truly knew that, and a small amount of fire was rekindled in both of them.  
  
(Well that's it! It took me forever to write and I would love to know what you think! I told you it was long, and I hope it was worth it. PLEASE REVIEW! I write faster when you do!)  
  
Kaeldra~ Thank you so much for my first signed review!  
  
Moon Princess~ you are so sweet and generous and I'm so glad you like it!  
  
Xnedra~ You are amazing and I am so grateful for such a fantastic reviewer!  
  
Senav Shania Gold~ You know I love you and your stories, your reviews continue to inspire me!  
  
Musicaldreams09~ you are fantastic! Thanks for the support!  
  
~I love all of you, so much. Keep writing, those of you whose stories I adore! I will continue when I get at least 15 reviews, so spread the word! Talk to you all soon! ~Angelxd14 


	8. What She's Worth

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K Rowling. I do own the plot, well, most of it, and the characters of Diana Renton Black, and Nicole Portman.  
  
Author's note: Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the reviews, especially those who reviewed more than once. I will also apologize for the language in the last chapter. I was stressed out the week that I wrote it, and it just came out. I just happen to like the F word, and so do they. I will watch my language in the future, I promise.  
  
~*~ "So, what happens now?" James asked her. Lily thought for a second and shrugged.  
  
"We'll see." She said. Her eyes began to dart back and forth slowly. She wasn't quite sure where to look. She didn't want to look at him, because she felt eye contact might cripple her judgment. She wanted to stay strong, even though she had just given in to him.  
  
"Ok." He paused. He began to lean in close to her face. When he got close to her mouth she stopped him with her finger. She shook her head at him.  
  
"No." she said, extremely proud of herself. He looked confused. "You haven't earned it yet." He nodded, and understood. He shifted his weight on the bed, trying with difficulty not to show her how much pain he was in. She rolled her eyes, without losing her pity for him.  
  
"Turn around." She commanded.  
  
"Huh?" His mind was preoccupied with trying not to make her notice that when she did, he was slightly perplexed, and a little embarrassed.  
  
"Turn around." She was unsure of herself this time. She didn't exactly know if she wanted to help him or not. Her expression never faltered, but remained serene and determined. She acted as though what was about to happen could not be negotiated.  
  
"No, I'm fine really." Not believing him she grabbed his shoulder and squeezed it. "Ow!" he whined, half out of pain, and half out of annoyance. He wasn't expecting that.  
  
"See. You dislocated it. Now turn around and face me so I can fix it." He obeyed and reluctantly turned to her, his left shoulder towards her. She tried to roll up his sleeve, but it wouldn't go past his forearm. She got annoyed and her tugging didn't help his condition. She was trying to think of a logical way to fix the problem, without getting too close. She couldn't get too close, not yet.  
  
"That hurts you know." He complained.  
  
"Well you're not exactly helping me." She still refused to make eye contact.  
  
"What am I supposed to use to help you, my paralyzed back or my sprained wrist?"  
  
"Stop exaggerating, you are not paralyzed. Shut up, and don't move." She sighed out of frustration, and continuing to tug. She stopped and put her hands on her hips. Her feeble attempts were obviously not working, so she had to resort to difficult measures, at least for her. "The shirt has to come off then." She regretted it as soon as the words were spoken.  
  
"Why?" he knew why, but he wanted to make her nervous, just a little.  
  
"Well, do you want me to rip the sleeve, cause I will."  
  
"Well, not really, I like this shirt."  
  
"Fine, then be quiet." She spat. She realized that he couldn't take off his own shirt. More regret over the idea was evident on her face. Then she thought that she shouldn't be so silly. It was too much of a hassle to go to a hospital, when she could easily do it in the comfort of her own home. It is just a little injury, she thought. There is nothing complicated about it, nothing even remotely sexual.  
  
She undid each button, and then stuck her hand on the inside of the shirt. She let it drop off his shoulders. She then took her own hand and held his wrist. Slowly, not wanting to hurt him, she pulled the shirtsleeve off his right hand. She wrapped the shirt around and did the same to the left. The shirt was thrown to the side.  
  
"Stay still." She said, he was squirming, and put one hand on his shoulder and one on his bicep. They were both nervous, she not wanting to make anything worse, and he not wanting to feel the pain he was about to experience. They both sighed and with a forceful push she knocked it back in the socket. James grunted through his teeth and grasped the headboard in pain.  
  
"I'm sorry." She said, forgetting herself and put her hand on his back. James was taking huge deep breaths and his eyes were shut.  
  
"That. Really. Hurt." He said, winded and holding his shoulder. Lily was suddenly more confident about everything else. She straitened up.  
  
"Well suck it up because your back is next." She folded her arms.  
  
"You just love to see me in pain don't you." He joked.  
  
"Every second. Now hold still and lie down."  
  
"Ow, which side?" he reluctantly asked.  
  
"Your stomach." He did so, trying not to scream. Lily couldn't believe she had actually done this much damage without a wand. Lily shivered when she thought about what else she could do.  
  
James' head was in the pillow. He was breathing in and out nervously. Lily climbed onto his back and he groaned. She shushed him. Then, she took her right hand and jammed it into his back, cracking it. James' body leapt up and he screamed out of pain.  
  
"You're killing me!" he yelled, as Lily got off of him.  
  
"Good." She said with a smile on her face, in a twisted sort of way she was enjoying this. "Now what about your wrist." She said, innocently.  
  
"Oh no, you're not touching that." He said, clutching it.  
  
"Oh, don't be such a baby. I'll use my wand this time, I swear." She crossed her heart.  
  
"Fine, as long as you don't hit me with it." He said sorely.  
  
"I wouldn't start giving me ideas at this point, Potter." She slyly replied. "Now stop complaining." She said crossly. She concentrated and muttered a healing charm and in a flash, his wrist no longer hurt him. He flexed it and began opening and closing his fingers.  
  
"Thank you." He said, a little weary and still a tad sore.  
  
"Your welcome." She smiled. There were a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. They both looked away, trying to preoccupy themselves with something more interesting, like the ceiling or the tapestries. It didn't last long and Lily began to get tired. Her eyes fell on James.  
  
She suddenly noticed his body and the fact that he was shirtless. Apparently, his constant Quidditch recreation kept him in excellent shape. 'He looks good' she thought, 'really good.' But, denying herself the visual pleasure of her husband she turned her head and remembered that she was still angry. He noticed her abrupt turn and they both felt a little embarrassed. He chuckled nervously and ran a hand through his hair. She did the same, pulling a few strands away from her cheek. It was then that James noticed the slight gash on the side of her face.  
  
"Jesus Lil'," he said. He hadn't really noticed it before because of all the commotion. He then put his head down. "I did that." He was so angry with himself that he couldn't even look at her.  
  
She simply nodded her head. "You didn't mean it." She answered.  
  
"That shouldn't have happened. It should have been him, or me. I never meant for you to get in the middle of it." There was a hint of abhorrence in his voice. She wasn't quite sure whether it was for Severus or himself.  
  
"How could you expect me not to James? First of all, we were in public. Second, he is my friend, and you are my husband. I have every right to be angry with both of you, fighting over me like children. It was disgraceful. You two don't make it easy you know. Sometimes I think I can't have you both."  
  
'Have us both?' He thought. 'Was she mad?' "Well, to be honest, I don't want him in your life. I never did."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You know we hate each other too. I don't understand why you care for him. He is just a greasy, conniving, no good..."  
  
"That's enough." She put her hand up to silence him. "He's not conniving, he has no reason to be."  
  
"He loves you." James said, grinding his teeth, as if those words and what they meant were dangerous, and not to be heard outside that very room.  
  
"Yes he does. But he knows, hopefully by now that I can never love him like that. My heart does not lie with him." She opened the door again, and it was going to be difficult to close.  
  
"Then who does it lie with?" All he wanted was to make her say it, just to make him feel better, even though he knew the answer. She already said that she loved him.  
  
"Can we drop this please?" she asked impatiently. She did not want to go through this. Their feelings were made abundantly clear and she really did not want to cry again. There were no more tears for that night.  
  
"I'm sorry." He nodded while Lily attempted to change the subject.  
  
"How are you feeling?" she asked, a little fake and upbeat.  
  
"Well it's only been five minutes but, a little better. How bout you?"  
  
"Fine, I guess. I'm tired though." She said, in the midst of a yawn.  
  
"Really, it's not that late." He checked the clock.  
  
"I've had a long day, and so have you. I need to sleep."  
  
"So you can sleep now?"  
  
"No, not really. How did you know about that?" Lily always assumed that he was asleep.  
  
"Do you think you're the only one who has trouble sleeping? Trust me, I knew when you didn't sleep."  
  
"I didn't think you noticed." She said, pushing herself off the bed.  
  
"Well I did."  
  
She stood up strait and walked over to the dresser on the other side of the room. He was watching her every move. He half expected her to run out the door, now that he was feeling better. She didn't. Instead she opened the drawer and grabbed a large t-shirt. She yawned again, and motioned for him to turn his head. He did, and rolled his eyes. He removed his glasses and rubbed them furiously.  
  
Lily then stood in front of the mirror. She removed her shirt and looked directly at the wound on her chest. It was the wound left by the Death Eater a couple of weeks ago. The wound still wasn't completely healed, and not quite a scar, but still bruised all around. She never did see a doctor about it, or even bothered to cover it with a bandage. She was always so busy. She touched it slightly and bit her lip. She couldn't show him this, she thought. He would be upset. She was staring at it for a good five minutes when James spoke up.  
  
"Can I turn around now?" he asked, annoyed she was taking so long. She hurriedly put the shirt over herself. It was long and came past her knees. It was a v-neck and the bruise partially shown through. She decided to put her hair over it for tonight. "Yea ok." She replied.  
  
James turned around to face her. She looked almost ethereal standing there before him. The moonlight shown through the curtains and embraced her in a sort of artificial light. Never, not in his whole life had she ever looked so beautiful. To him she was like an angel, a pixie, a siren, and he was dumbfounded. He was staring. Lily became increasingly uncomfortable so she began to walk towards the bed. She thought that he had seen through her shirt. He didn't though. She pulled back the covers and shyly entered the bed, knees first.  
  
"You don't have to worry Lil, I won't bite you." James said, so in love with her and amused by her girlish mannerisms.  
  
"Hmm, I'm not so sure about that," she said, not loud enough for him to hear. She was acting as though she was a virgin on her wedding night. He wondered why she was so nervous. He didn't even think about sleeping with her until that very moment. He laughed to himself. Did she want to? He thought. No, sex would ruin things more than they were already ruined. When she was ready she would initiate it.  
  
Lily pulled the covers up to her neck. James was still above the covers and would remain there all night. "Goodnight." She said, sounding devoid of any emotion. She rolled over making sure she couldn't see his face. James smirked behind her back.  
  
"Goodnight." He said.  
  
He stared at the ceiling. Yes, he was definitely more comfortable with her next to him. He knew she was still upset and angry, but she had promised to stay. She actually stayed. He knew she loved him. He looked at her. She wasn't asleep yet but would be in a minute. He realized that she brought happiness to his life. She was his reason for getting up in the morning. He stared at the woman he loved since he was seventeen. Her chest was breathing in and out, in sync with the ticking of the clock behind him. She was his savior in a way. She had brought him back to life without realizing it. He would always need her, and always love her. They were the same. They loved spouting insults at one another, to see who would come out the bigger person, to see who would win. At that moment it all meant nothing, even if most of it was true.  
  
His eyes averted back to the ceiling and he put one hand behind his head. He couldn't help smiling even though they hadn't completely made up yet. Everything will be all right, he thought. Things will be different. They will have a family, a child, everything. We can be what we once were, he thought. Anything is possible. You can't repeat the past but you can certainly change your future. He can look at her now, as a woman, as a wife. He had gotten a taste of the fiery red head with the smart mouth, and never-ending courage. She wasn't afraid of him, well; she never had a reason to be. He realized that no matter what happened or how bad things got, that every passing minute was a chance to turn it all around. At that moment he realized that the sweet wasn't as sweet without the sour, and he was put at ease, and was comforted. He could sleep now.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Four hours later...at the Black residence.  
  
Diana was tossing and turning in her sleep. She wasn't having a nightmare, but in her mind no position was comfortable. She was dreaming. She saw herself running and running into a black abyss, without any possibility for escaping. There were intoxicating scents of Jasmine at first, but then, as she ran farther, and faster, it drastically changed. She found herself in a room. It was unknown to her where, for it was not from her childhood, or the present for that matter. It was a simple kitchen, with simple cabinets and countertops. This was odd. The smell of cabbage permeated throughout her surroundings, and she couldn't breathe. The smell took shape and became a fog, an intense, endless mist by which her eyes watered and she started coughing uncontrollably.  
  
She began to rub her eyes and when she looked up again she was in a courthouse. It reminded her of a pensieve because no one seemed to notice her. Amorphous figures surrounded her and they began to speak. She couldn't make out names or faces. They were screaming at something, at someone. At whom, she couldn't tell. The sound was deafening so she covered her ears. She only heard one sound, one that rang loud and clear: "Guilty!"  
  
She woke up with a start and took one huge breath. She was sweating like a madwoman and her hands were shaking. She also had a tingling feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was suddenly so grateful to be in her bedroom that she looked down at her pillow and hugged it. Her strange and abrupt movements awakened Sirius. He thought she was in distress and became worried. He gently placed his hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Diana?...Diana what's the matter?"  
  
"Nothing..it was nothing." She said, incredibly relieved. "Just a dream, a strange dream that's all." She took one of the sheets and wiped the particles of sweat off of her forehead.  
  
"You scared me, I thought something was wrong. Was it a nightmare?" he said, still half asleep but curious just the same.  
  
"No, um, I don't think so. It was all so strange. I wasn't afraid, just confused that's all. I was startled and then I just woke up. I didn't mean to worry you darling, I'm fine."  
  
"Good, good. No, I just thought that you were upset. We have had a stressful night."  
  
She nodded. Then, without warning a sudden feeling came over her, one that she couldn't describe. She couldn't speak. Her stomach was in knots and her body began to overheat. This worried Sirius even more.  
  
She clutched her stomach, trying to numb the pain. It wasn't pain per se, more like intense nausea. Diana was confused. She started to cough and put her hand over her mouth. She jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom as quickly as she could. She knelt down to the toilet but nothing came out. She couldn't inhale. She was gagging. Sirius ran in after her. When he entered he thought that she was choking and tried to grab her around the waist. She kicked him away. Then, she took in two more deep breaths and vomited.  
  
This took a lot out of her. Her arm was resting on the toilet and she was out of breath. Sirius knelt down next to her, and put his arms around her. Her hand was over her mouth while the other grasped onto him.  
  
Sirius was incredibly confused, they both were.  
  
"What happened my love?" he asked, kissing her check and gently rocking her back and forth.  
  
"Nerves." She said, almost absentmindedly. "Just nerves..that's all...."  
  
(Make of that what you will; we'll just have to see what happens! Lots of action in chapter 9, but you'll have to wait on it (. It is about the beginning of the Order of the Phoenix, but that's all I'm going to tell you. I'm evil, I know this.)  
  
Dream Kitty~ I am so glad you enjoyed it, you are a great reviewer!  
  
Senav~ lucky number 15, that's you! I know this took longer than 2 hours, but I hope it was worth it (  
  
Feather~ You are the coolest, and you know it! I greatly respect your opinion and pretty much everything you say! (Whether it does or does not concern overanalization, or our petty obsessions ()  
  
Magicrulz~ thanks sooo much!  
  
Kaeldra~ There will be happily ever after eventually, as we all know, and notice I did not have my usual potty mouth in this one (. You are great!  
  
Moon Princess~ what can I say, but a simple thank you will do I think. I am NOT a genius, in fact, I'm far from it, but I am incredibly flattered!  
  
Xnedra~ you are so lovely, there are no words! I just hope it eventually lives up to everything you say it is. (Love the tears by the way, nice touch(. I am a sappy fool, but aren't we all)  
  
Can we make it to 20? I think so, because that is the next time I will update! Talk to you all soon! ~Angelxd14* 


	9. Pasts That Can't Be Forgotten

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Harry Potter, except, of course, the plot and all my OC's.

Thanks for the reviews! Now onto the longest morning ever….

~***~**~*~***~**~

7:00am at the home of Sirius and Diana Black……..

Diana was in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea. Her thoughts were somewhere else.  Her husband was staring at her from the dining room table in wonderment, for he had no idea what is going on in that head of hers.  She absentmindedly disposed of the tea bag and put the milk and the honey away.  She ran her fingers through her hair only once, when she caught his gaze.  She smiled then quickly averted her eyes.  It was just an ordinary Saturday morning, and they were just a husband and wife having their usual cup of morning tea.  Diana started singing when the silence became too much.  

"Maybe this time I'll be lucky.  Maybe this time he'll stay.  Maybe this time, for the first time, love won't hurry away…."

Sirius picked up the Daily Prophet that was lying in the middle of the table.

"He will hold me fast. I'll be home at last. Not a loser, anymore, like the last time and the time before….."

Neither of them had slept that night, after the unpleasant incident in the wee hours of the morning.  It was unexplainable, and they chose not to discuss it.  The rest of the hours were spent reading and staring at various objects until the sun finally arose.  They were both exhausted.  Diana placed eggs and toast onto the table but they weren't hungry.  They each began to fidget and play with their slices.  They were both thinking the same thing.

"I'm worried." Diana spoke, after the futile attempts at eating were diminished.

"About?" Sirius was trying desperately to concentrate on the Daily Prophet in front of him, and took a sip of his tea.  He did not take his eyes off of the page he wasn't reading.

"Lily and James." She sighed, and pushed the plate to the side.

"What for?" he stupidly asked.

"Don't you remember what happened here last night? I thought she was going to kill him." she said, taking a cautious sip of her tea.  She made a face when she realized that milk and honey were not the best combination.

"She certainly looked it.  I doubt it though." He was only half listening to her, although he was slightly curious about what happened after they left his home in an unearthly rage.

"Maybe we should go over there." She suggested.  He didn't answer her, for he was lost in thoughts of his own.  Her voice was stuck in his head.  She became frustrated and pulled the paper out of his hands.  He leaned back and folded his arms.

"I said I think we should go over there." She said, accenting every word.

"Why? Don't you think it will just make things worse?"  He rubbed his temples.  This conversation was giving him a headache.  She always did worry too much, he thought.

"But what if something's happened? I don't just want to sit here and worry about it."

"It isn't our jobs to worry about it. They can solve their own problems, even if it does result in them ending up dead."

"That's not funny. Don't joke about things like that."

"Who said I was joking.  What I meant was that I don't think what we do is going to make any difference so we should let them solve everything."  He waved his hands as if to say, "that's it."  She stared at him, wondering why he was getting so annoyed.  She began to sigh and tap her feet on the floor.  After a solid minute, this wore him down.  "Or we could just check up on them, I mean, if you want to." He would say anything to make her stop.

"Do you think she moved out?" she chimed in.

"I don't know. Either that or she sure as hell kicked the shit out of him."

"Well, it is a strong possibility.  I'm really worried about them, they really gave me a scare last night."

"So I saw." He stared at her, hoping to read some of the untraceable expressions on her face.  There was something else troubling her, something that she wouldn't tell him.  She began picking her toast with a knife and hitting her nails on the table.

"I have to see her." She said, not looking at him.  "If only to see that she is alright."

"Ok." He said and smiled, weakly but understandingly.  She smiled back, and he covered her hand with his.  "I'll come with you if you like."

"I want you too." She said as she pushed her chair out from under the table, and letting go of his hand.  She walked towards the sink and placed the teacup gently down.  "Not now though, it's still early."  She turned on the faucet and washed her hands, nervously, compulsively.  She began briskly walking about the kitchen, cleaning with a wet towel.  Sirius thought of this behavior as strange, she hated to clean.

"By the way how are you feeling?" he asked, picking up the paper once more.

"Oh fine.  Much, much better.  It was probably just something I ate."  She gave a reassuring smile and exited the kitchen.  

"As long as it wasn't me." He called after her.

"No, not this time." She jokingly added.  Sirius heard her turn on the shower in the bathroom. 

_"Everybody loves a winner, so nobody loved me.  'Lady peaceful', 'Lady happy', that's what I long to be. All the odds are in my favor.  Something's bound to begin…."_ He heard.  

Sirius looked at the cover of the Daily Prophet.  He hadn't really been reading before and it was just now that he noticed the headline.  THE RISE OF THE DARK MARK: Muggles and Wizards Alike Stare in Wonder at the Bright Symbol that Seems to Permanently Illuminate Our Skies.  Why is No One Helping? Who are the real traders? An Inside Report.

_"It's gotta happen, happen sometime! Maybe this time, maybe this time, I'll win!"_

"Unbelievable." Sirius sighed.

~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The flat of Lily and James Potter……around the same time……..

Lily opened her eyes to find a very content James Potter asleep beside her.  She had not moved the entire night and her muscles were a bit sore.  She had slept beautifully though.  It was, thankfully, a dreamless sleep.  She had an enormous amount of confidence at that moment.  The sunlight shone through brightly on this clear, crisp Saturday morning.  She gently, as though not to wake him, pulled the covers off her.  She tiptoed out of the bed and made her way to the stairs.  In the daylight she noticed how scattered everything seemed.  There were clothes everywhere and garbage was all over the stairs.  She had not noticed it the night before.

When she reached the bottom she made her way to the kitchen.  She was going to make breakfast, whether he wanted any or not.  When she saw the state of the kitchen she was absolutely disgusted.

"Oh my God." She said aloud.  There was food everywhere, piles and piles of it.  Nothing was put away and there was everything from discarded banana peels to empty ice cream containers.  She would have to clean up before she started anything.

She let out a frustrated sigh and began looking for something to clean up with.  Her witch intuition hadn't kicked in at that hour of the morning.  She found an empty trash bag and started disposing of the filth that seemed to be everywhere.  James appeared, tired and groggy, from the hallway.  Apparently her movements woke him immediately.  He watched her with an amused look on his face as he leaned against the door.  It was after picking the fruit bowl off the floor that she noticed him.

"This place is a mess." She said in a very annoyed tone.  He just folded his arms.  "Well don't just stand there, help me clean it."

He stood up strait and began to help her.  He chose not to argue about it.  He was still knocked over by the fact that she was in front of him, and they were speaking.  He grabbed a couple of pots and pans that had been lying around on the counter and put them into the sink.  She went over to the closet and grabbed a broom.  There was practically a mound of dirt under the table.

"Uh, this is so gross." She said.  Lily hated to clean.  She could handle anything else but she only cleaned when it was absolutely necessary, as it was at that moment. If only to keep from talking, she thought.  It was still incredibly awkward.

"Sorry." He said.  The dishes were piling up.

"Honestly, this place is a practically a dragon's nest.  I don't think we'll ever get this place clean.  How could one man consume so much crap and then throw it all over the place in a matter of just two weeks?  I can barely see out the windows."

"It's not that bad."

"Not that bad? Look at all this shit!  You couldn't take the time to take out the trash? And look at this counter, there are letters all over the place." She picked a few of them up.  He rushed over to her and knocked them out of her hands.  He then gathered them up and threw them away.

"Sorry.  I didn't realize that you were so touchy about the post." She said while staring him directly in his eyes.  He avoided her gaze.  This angered her.  She could only imagine what was in those letters.  She wondered who wrote them, and how long they had been there.  To prevent a fight she wouldn't open them.  In reality, he was too busy thinking about Lily to even care about disposing of them.  The thought hadn't crossed his mind, but he knew all too well the contents of them. 

"It's nothing, just junk mail, you know."  

"Mm hmmm."  Idiot, she thought.  Then while she was sweeping she came upon a unique object.  It wasn't really unique as much as comical.  Right there in the middle of the floor, was a pair of tighty-whities.  She smirked and picked it up.  She rolled it into a ball and then turned around.  "Yours I assume." She chucked it at him.  It hit him in the face.

"Eww, Lil that's nasty."  He picked it up with his thumb and forefinger and made a face at it.

"They're your underwear.  I don't even want to know how long it's been in here or why you took them off here in the first place."  She began to laugh.

"I'm glad you find it so bloody amusing Lil."  He threw it back at her.

"Oh, that's mature." She said sarcastically.  

After a few minutes of silent cleaning she looked at her surroundings.  They were never going to get this place clean manually.  Then it dawned on her.  Of course, she thought.  

"What are we doing?" she asked him.  

"Uh, cleaning."

"Yea, no shit.  Where's your wand?"

"Upstairs, why?"

"Go and get It.," she commanded.

"Why?"

"It will make cleaning this place a little easier."

"How would my wand….."

"We're wizards you fool.  We don't have to resort to manual labor.  This is ridiculous." She began to chuckle again.  The fact that they were being so stupid was funny to them both.

"Yea, what's funny is that we didn't think of it before."  He said, running upstairs. Thirty seconds later he came down, wand in hand.  He pointed it at the room and said in a relieved voice "Mundo Celarius."  The kitchen was spotless in no time.  Lily began to clap.

"Very nice.  Now I don't know why you didn't do that weeks ago."

"I wasn't exactly thinking of the kitchen." He responded softly, but she still heard.

"Anyway…….are you hungry?" she asked him.  She was trying to sound like a housewife, and there was a hint of falseness in her voice.  She noticed and it annoyed her.  Why was she trying so hard?

"A little bit.  There's nothing to eat in here though."

"Oh, I should have suspected.  So how have you been eating?"  She knew the answer.

"Sirius." They both said.  She shook her head at him.  "I can't believe Diana has been cooking for you."

"Actually she refused."

"Good." Lily smiled.  "I hope you starved."

"You're evil, you know." He smirked, and she chuckled.

"Naturally."  They were talking.  A real conversation, they thought……finally.  "Well, I am starving.  What about you?"

"Hell yes.  Do you want to……..go out?"

"Well, I mean well look at us. Do you?" They were still in their pajamas after all.

"Well we have to eat, don't we?"

She nodded.  "When, um, when will you be ready?" Why is this so hard? She thought. She was annoyed with her shyness.  She was usually so upfront.  She didn't like this new behavior, this girlishness.  She even caught herself twirling her hair.  When she did she immediately stopped.

"Give me five minutes."  With that he proceeded to run upstairs.  "You?" he called down.

"I'll be up in a minute." She said.  Then she remembered that she wanted to try something first, something that she had been thinking about all night.  She put her hands up to her lips and looked around.  Her eyes caught the garbage bag.  She remembered the mail.  Hmmm, she thought.

She stretched out her hand subtly, and imagined the bag in her hands.  A force entered her arm that she couldn't describe.  In an instant the bag flew off the floor and into her hands.  She gasped, and then grinned.  Her mouth was gaping wide.  So last night wasn't a fluke.  She wanted to try something else.  There was an artificial apple in the fruit bowl.  She held out her hand once more, and the apple flew to her.  She let out a cry of triumph.  Then she looked at the bag.  She untied the knot and looked inside.  There were four letters, and all had been opened.  There was no address but she recognized the handwriting.  She couldn't put her finger on whose it was.

She put the bag down and opened the first letter.

**_Dear James,                                                    February 14_**

**_Where have you been?! I came 'round yesterday and you weren't here! Did I get the day wrong? I miss you and I love you.  Don't be a stranger._**

**_                                                                        Yours,_**

**_                                                                            N. B._**

There was a sharp pain in the pit of her stomach.  It made her sick.  It was dated the day after she left, Valentines Day.  He was going to be with her on Valentines Day, she thought. Stop it Lily; stop it, she told herself.  It was the past.  It was done.  She sucked up her nerve and opened the second letter.

**_Dear James,                                        February 20_**

**_Where the hell are you? Is she keeping us apart? I need to see you. We have to talk! Don't give up on me now!_**

**_Always,_**

**_N.B._**

A little clingy now are we, Lily thought.  Psycho.  N.B? N.B. hmmm, she had no idea who it was.  She slowly took the third letter out.

**_February 24_**

**_IT'S BEEN 10 DAYS AND STILL NOTHING! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE JAMES POTTER! IF YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE ME AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO SAY IT TO MY FACE! YOU BASTARD! YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE! _**

**_            Oh, and say hello to that little wife of yours, I hear she's walked out.  Well you know what, good for her! She deserves a shit load better than you.  I never want to see you again!_**

**_                                    N.B._**

Well, isn't she quite a woman, Lily thought?  The strange part was that Lily found her amusing.  He just keeps attracting the crazy girls, doesn't he?  She thought that was the end when she came across the last letter.  It was dated the same day, but it clearly came after the one before.

**_Dearest James,_**

**_            I am so sorry darling.  Please forgive me.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I DO want to see you again.  I love you.  And I know you love me.  You told me so, remember? Please.  I can't live like this anymore.  Things are not well at home, and I'm sorry for yelling.  Please don't leave me; I need you so badly right now.  I realize now I've always needed you.  I hate hurting Lily but I love you more.  Please answer me; I can't stand us not speaking._**

**_                                                            Always and Forever,_**

**_                                                                        N.B._**

The feeling changed drastically.  Lily felt as though she was going to throw up.  He told her he loved her? When? Why?  Who is this woman and why is she stalking him?  'Things aren't well at home', what kind of bullshit is that?  She threw the letter back in the bag with disgust and placed it in its former place.

"Lily!" she heard James call.  It had definitely been more than a minute.  "Are you coming up?"  

"Yes, hold on." She was clutching her stomach with anxiety.  Did he answer her? What would he have said?  She knows me, I know it, Lily thought.  But who the hell is N.B.?  She sucked up her frustration and walked upstairs to their bedroom.  She faked a smile.

James was cuffing his sleeves and looking at her through the mirror.  She was incredibly agitated and he saw through her fake calmness.  She opened the dresser drawer a little too forcefully.

"Are you alright?" he asked, concerned.

"Fine, just fine.  Well, don't you look good." She said, and she meant it.  Upon seeing him like that she almost forgot her anger, almost.  "I hope to god you're wearing clean underwear."

"Ha ha.  I am as a matter of fact.  What are you wearing?"

"Oh, I don't know."  She looked in the drawer.  Everything was so revealing.  Why am I such a slut, she thought?  She wasn't, but she still wanted to hide the scar.  She knew he would have to see it eventually but she felt it could wait a little longer.  Finally she found a turtleneck.

"Do I have to turn around again?" James asked her, half kidding.

"Yes." She spat.  He did.  She turned the other way and quickly slipped out of her shirt and into the thick turtleneck.  Thank god its still winter, she thought.  She found a pair of her jeans folded on a chair.  She grabbed those and put them on.  Muggle clothing was best, at least for breakfast out.  That way, they were not limited to where they could go.

"Shall we." He asked and leant his arm out to her.  She chuckled at him and waved her hand in front of his face.  "Don't even think about it," she answered.  She walked ahead of him down the stairs.  He watched her and just shook his head.  She was out the door waiting when he came down the stairs.  He saw her light a cigarette through the glass.  He glanced at the kitchen before leaving and noticed the garbage was moved.  It wasn't so much moved but it was open.  Shit, he thought, and walked out to meet her.

As soon as the door was closed a large bird flew through their kitchen window.  It found a spot on the counter and dropped two letters in the fruit bowl.  The animal was large and pink, and beautiful.  It was more than a bird, however, it was a phoenix.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***~**~*~

Lily stood outside and began smoking her cigarette.  Then she glanced at her watch.  It read 7:45.  A bit early for breakfast, she thought.  Then as she looked down the street she saw a very worried Diana, and her reluctant husband.  Just then James came out the front door.

"Look." She pointed to him.  He nodded.

"Checking up I suppose." He said, as he buttoned his coat.  "Understandable."

"Where the hell are you two going?" Sirius shouted from about twenty feet away.

"Breakfast." James said, very casually indeed.  Sirius and Diana just looked at each other.  They didn't know where to start.  Lily just glanced at them and shook her head.

"Breakfast?" Diana said. "Breakfast. Huh.  Well we were up all night, worried sick about you two and now everything is peachy?  Did I miss something?" she put her hands on her hips.

"Calm down Renton.  We, um, we talked it out, (ahem) kind of." Lily said, puffing nervously.

"So no injuries then Prongs?" Sirius asked, kidding of course, and punched him on the shoulder.

"Well, we can talk about that later." He answered, grabbing his shoulder and looking at Lily.  "Hey, would you two like to come with us, I mean, since you're here and everything?"

"Do you want us to come Lil?" Diana asked.  Lily didn't look too happy at that particular moment.

"Yea, it's not you.  I would love you to come.  Let's start walking, it's freezing out here." She said, shivering.

"Sure. Where?" Sirius asked.

"Well we can go to that charming little breakfast café around the corner.  How does that sound?" James said.

"That's fine." Lily said, quickening her step.  Diana caught up and grabbed her arm.  They kept walking.

"What's the matter?" she asked, concerned.

"I'll tell you later." Lily answered.

The men eventually caught up and the four of them entered a little café where breakfast was currently being served.  They surveyed quickly and were seated all the way in the back.  When they got to their table, all four stopped.  Right across from them were two people all of them did not want to run into.

"Shit." Sirius said aloud, but not loud enough.

"Shh. Just ignore them and it'll be fine." Diana assured him, although she started to feel a bit nervous.

James simply froze while Lily had a look of shock and hatred on her face.

"What the hell are they doing here? They don't live in these parts." Lily said, without taking here eyes off of the couple.  She sat down.  They all followed.

"Who knows." Diana said.  "Just don't look at them.  Maybe they don't even see us."

"Oh they saw us walk in.  Didn't you see the bastard smirking?" Sirius pointed out.

Just then the man proceeded to get up from his chair.  He slyly walked over to them and put his hands on the back of Diana's chair.  She shut her eyes.  She could feel him breathing.  An evil, almost sardonic grin was evident on his face.

"Well.  If it isn't my four favorite disgraces to the wizarding world. And look, you're all at one table."

"Is this what you came here for Malfoy? Have you come to lose an argument and make a fool out of yourself?" Lily said.  It was way to early for her to be dealing with this.

"Oh, look at you two, isn't this lovely.  I do hope this means your unfaithful days are done, eh Potter.  Yes, the taste for the young eventually dies, doesn't it? Sometimes we just have to buy the cow, since they are so blatantly desperate."  He said this staring at Lily.

James got up and furiously pointed a finger at Lucius.  "You watch what you say Malfoy, I'm warning you."

"That won't be necessary.  I'll just let you kids get back to your meal.  It was lovely chatting with you both.  I hope we will have more of these chats in the future.  I do so look forward to them." With that he walked away.  James was still angry when he sat back down.

"The nerve of that asshole." He said, fiercely opening up a menu.

"Forget it James." Lily said.  She rubbed his arm to calm him down.

"That, and he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.  Student? Where did he get that from?" Sirius said, thinking he was simple contributing.  Diana shot him a nasty glare and Lily just stared at him.  James looked as though he had been betrayed.

"What?" Lily asked, disbelievingly.  All this time she had thought it was some young girl who just got out of school.  She forgot where she heard it but it was true as far as she knew.  So she wasn't a student.  Then it was certain that she knew her.  Lily became severely nauseous.  

"Uh, I mean, well, if he doesn't have it right then he should keep his mouth shut." Shit, he thought.  He had almost blown James' cover.  

"Are you chaps ready to order?" they heard a waitress say.  Lily changed her gaze from Sirius to James.  How come he hadn't bothered to bring that very important piece of information up?  Then she looked at Malfoy.  He was staring at the table.  His wife, Narcissa was staring as well.  Her glance was more nervous than his.

"Uh, yes." James answered.  They each put their order in and their menus were collected.  The waitress came back with coffee and some toast.  Things were silent the next few minutes.  Lily became increasingly uncomfortable sitting there and glanced at Diana.  She seemed to be sweating because she kept wiping her napkin on her forehead.  She noticed Lily looking at her and understood.

"I have to go to the loo." Diana said.  "Lily, will you come with me please?"  Lily nodded and got up.  Diana stared at Malfoy's table in disgust.  He noticed and glared back at her.  The two women entered the bathroom.

"Why are you being so nice to him?" Diana asked in an annoyed tone.

"Well, we sort of made up last night.  He said some very profound things to me and I just couldn't leave."

"Well if everything's great then what's wrong?" Diana asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"I just couldn't sit there, that's all." Lily said, grabbing a tissue and running it under cold water.

"Really, well, I understand.  I don't think I could have either.  Lucius kept burning a hole in my back.  I am sweating over here."

"Lucius?"

"Sorry, habit."

"Yea like ten years ago." Lily said putting the cold tissue on her forehead.

"Forget it, it was a slip ok? Anyway, what was the matter even before we got here?  I'm sorry but things don't seem so lovely and forgiving, now do they?"

"They actually weren't bad.  Last night was actually pretty all right.  I forgave him last night."

"I gathered that.  So, did you beat the shit out of the bastard?  I know I would have." she joked.

"Actually yea I did.  You don't notice anymore because I cured him." she said, applying lip gloss.  Diana wasn't sure if she was kidding or not.

"What?" she laughed. "You, hurt James?  I don't believe it.  You're 5'3'', how did that happen?"

Lily didn't want to tell her.  She wanted it to remain her own secret for the time being.  She decided to change the subject. 

"What, you don't think I can take him?" she joked.  "But, he made it clear that he loved me and that's what counts."

"But you knew that already."

"Yes well, what bothered me is that I saw the post this morning.  There were letters on the counter, about four, and they were from her."

"What? No.  Well what did they say?" she asked, intrigued.

"All I know is that she's crazy……and she apparently knows me.  That was confirmed about five minutes ago when Sirius let out his little comment."

"He's an idiot.  Just to tell you, I didn't know." She put a hand on her shoulder.

"I know.  We couldn't see her face when we saw them.  I can't even remember what the rest of her looks like.  It was all such a shock."

"What I don't understand was how Malfoy thought she was young.  He claimed to see them together right?"

"Yes, bastard.  I knew he was bluffing to piss me off.  Anyway, forget it." she wanted to change the subject.  "So what's new with you? We haven't really spoken since I started training Alice."

"Um, things have been fine.  I do have to tell you something though, and don't get worried."

"I can't promise that Di.  Just tell me." 

"Ok.  I had some sort of, um, attack last night."

"What?"  

"Shh.  It's nothing really but I threw up."

"Maybe you're pregnant." Lily said, somewhat gravely.  "Do—Do you think?"

"God no! Don't even say that! I can't have a baby now."

"I know." Lily said.  "But, you never know."

"It's just not the right time.  Maybe one day, after all this is over." She said, fiddling with the tissue boxes.  This was an uncomfortable topic for her.  Lily sensed it and complied. 

"Oh, well are you alright?" she said trying to make her feel better.

"Yes, yes. Sirius was awfully worried.  It was really just nerves or something." Diana hesitated.  "I did have a nightmare though."

"That's odd dear, about what?"

"Well, it wasn't really a nightmare but more like a strange dream.  I don't know but it smelled awful, like cabbage or something.  I was in a weird kitchen and then I was lost and in a courthouse and then I heard someone say 'guilty' and I woke up."

"Hmm, that is a little strange.  Guilty? Of what? I'm sure your just being paranoid though."

"I know.  Bellatrix was in it."

"Oh…"

"It doesn't mean anything right?"

Lily shrugged.  "Dunno.  You knew her better than I did." She wasn't exactly the person to talk to about strange dreams.  She hadn't told Diana about the one with the little boy and the scar. "Do you think we should go back in, they are probably waiting."

"Yes, the food's probably there too." Diana said, relieved the conversation was over.  "You go ahead because I really do have to go to the bathroom."  Lily nodded and left the room.

When she sat down she got the feeling that they were talking about her, or at least conspiring together.  The food was laid out however, and she began to eat in silence.  She looked up and saw Narcissa stare at the table once more.  When she caught Lily's gaze she quickly went back to her meal.  Nosy bitch, Lily thought.  She didn't mean it though.  Lily actually had a soft spot for Narcissa, although she couldn't understand why.  She only started to become like her husband after they were married.  In school, despite being a Slytherin, she was a lovely girl.  The fact that she happened to be related to Sirius meant, to Lily, that she couldn't have been all bad.  But to him, it was a curse.

Diana clutched her stomach once more in the bathroom.  The nausea was returning, but she straitened up and walked to the door anyway.  She opened it and began to walk a few feet when she felt a strong arm pull her back. It was Malfoy.

"Ow!" she said, and then she saw who it was.  "What the fuck do you want?" she said with an obvious attitude.

"Now Renton, you know I don't appreciate that." He softly said, as he began to touch her hair.

"Let go!" she said loudly, but her husband never heard.

"I would be careful if I were you.  Hanging around with Mudbloods isn't exactly safe, even for a half-breed."

"If I wanted your god damn advice I would have asked for it."

"I'm just warning you Renton.  I wouldn't want to see you dead now, or worse, violated in any way."

"Bullshit!" she pointed at him.  She glanced at his right hand and noticed he was holding a staff.  He had been limping.  A crooked smile entered her face.  " I see Lily did a nice job.  Swords hurt don't they." She whispered.  He just glared at her once more.  "But grabbing me was uncalled for." Diana knew all along that the Death Eater who hurt Lily was Malfoy, but she never said a word.

"Yes, just keep that in mind Renton.  Like I said, you can't trust a lot of people nowadays, so I'm warning you.  I wouldn't want to hurt more of you than I have too.  But remember, my lovely: I spared you.  I could have killed you long ago, but I didn't.  I see you have shown me the same courtesy, and I appreciate it.  Traitor." he took one finger and stroked her cheek.  "Just don't get in my way, or I'll have no choice but to harm more than one pretty hair on you head, Renton."

She smacked his hand away.  "My name is Black! Know it well, because it will be the last name you ever hear! Do you understand me Lucius? Don't you try to threaten me.  I could kill you right now if I wanted to." She said, in a hoarse whisper.

He stepped back.  "But you won't. I know you."

"Oh really, what makes you think that?"

"Because I made you what you are, remember that."

"Like hell you did!" she spat.  "You just stay away from me and my family."

"What, that sorry excuse you have for a husband?  Please, he is a disgrace to all purebloods.  The coward, the traitor, and ingrate to his family.  Why did you marry him?  You could have had so much better." He inched up close to her face, breathing heavily on her lips.

"You really want to know?" he nodded.  "Fine. Because he didn't rip me of my innocence, Lucius.  He didn't corrupt me like you did.  He didn't want to hurt me like you do.  He makes me laugh, and he never bruised my soul or my body.  I am proud to call him my husband, which I bet is more than your wife can say about you.  You are a tyrant, and just know, the next time I catch you will be the last."  

"You won't catch me."

"You're sure, aren't you?  And why is that?"

"Because, I will make sure you and your precious 'family' rot in Azkaban for the rest of your miserable days."

"Oh, but Luicus, then who would you have to torment?" She walked away, not hearing his response, the pain unbearable now.  She should have thrown up again, but didn't.  She sat down quietly.

"What took you so long darling?" Sirius said with a smile.

"Would you believe it, the toilet wouldn't flush." She giggled nervously.  "It took forever."  

Then she wiped the hair off her face and began to eat.  Lily eyed her suspiciously, but continued to eat just the same.  All four of them noticed Lucius and Narcissa get up and exit.  Lily smiled at her, and she just looked away.  She then looked at James, who was still finishing his food.  He never bothered to look up.  Lucius glared at Lily and nodded at Diana, who ignored him.  Sirius stared at everyone and wondered how two people could have tormented so many all at once.  Then he looked at Diana.  She was nervous and he suddenly realized why.  He turned his head to look at him and then stared at her.  She could feel his gaze and knew that the look on his face was that of disappointment and frustration.

They finished their meals in silence.  James paid the bill and was the first to get up.  "Let's go." He said in an unsure tone.  They nodded and got up.  They left still, without a word.  Sirius was angry with Diana; Lily was angry with James; James was angry with himself and Diana was just angry at everything.  

They made their way back to Lily and James' home.  When they walked in James ran upstairs and Sirius followed.  The two women went into the spotless kitchen.

"Wow, someone cleaned up….." Diana said.  Lily silenced her with her hand.

"What?" Diana angrily asked.

"Just don't speak I have a headache."

"Oh yea, from what?" Diana said, walking to the other side of the counter.

"I'm just confused that's all.  I thought things were going to be fine and now I'm not so sure."

"Listen if it's about the age thing then it doesn't matter really."

"No, it's the name.  I just can't figure it out."

"Oh calm down, it'll come to you.  Then we can both march over there and kick her ass."

"Did I tell you that he told her he loved her?"

"No, but you know, Lily this is really depressing me.  Can we please postpone this until later." The nausea never left, but now it was like sharp shooting pains.  She was squinting.

"Diana?" Lily worriedly asked.

"One second." She turned around and reached for the sink.  All Lily could here was her cough and throw up again.  She rushed over to her and pulled her hair back.  She continued vomiting.

"Holy Merlin!" Lily said, disgusted and confused, but worried all the same.  Diana got up and turned on the sink.  She began to rinse her mouth out with water.

"I want you to go to a healer." Lily insisted.

"No! I mean, no it's ok.  I'm fine." Diana said, wiping her mouth.

"Well obviously you are not! What is all this?"

"I don't know." Diana shook her head and leaned back.

"It's him isn't it?" Lily said through her teeth.

"Who?" they heard a voice say.  It was James, with Sirius standing beside him glaring at his wife.

"Everything alright in here ladies?" James asked, trying to lighten the mood.  They nodded.  "You do see that we have mail here right?" he said looking at Lily.

"Oh. No I didn't even see." She walked next to him and noticed three white envelopes in the fruit bowl.  Two of them were yellow and had green writing while one of them was white with black writing.  

"These two are from Hogwarts." Lily said.  "One of them is addressed to you two." She gave one to Diana.  Sirius inched up next to her and snatched it.  All four of them opened it at the same time.

"Well, what does it say?" Lily impatiently asked.  James was reading it to himself.  Then he started reading it aloud.

"Dear Mrs. And Mrs. Potter,

            Your presence is requested at the office of Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  He asks that you arrive promptly at 12:00pm and that you bring only yourselves.  Details will be given at the time of the meeting, and not sooner.  If, for any reason you cannot attend, an owl should be immediately sent to the school with a detailed explanation.  He looks forward to meeting with you both.

                                                            Sincerely,

                                                            Minerva Mcgonagal, Deputy Headmistress"

"Ours says the same thing." Diana pointed out.

"What do you think they want?" Lily asked.  Both men just shrugged.

"There's another letter there Prongs." Sirius said.  James glared at him.

"I'll open it."  Diana said, reaching so neither of them could grab it.  "There's no return address."  She carefully opened the letter.  James was growing increasingly hot and Lily wasn't that comfortable either.  Diana read it silently.  When she was finished she looked up.

"It was from Nicole and Remus." She said.  James let out a sigh of relief, a little too obviously, as if everyone was stupid or something.  Lily looked at him and rolled her eyes.

"What did it say?" she said.

"They got a letter too, and wanted to know if we got one."

"Really?" James asked.  "Well I wonder what all this is for?"

"It is a little strange.  I mean, it's only been what, four years since we graduated? What could they possibly want to talk to us about?" Sirius asked.

"Maybe Crouch died." Diana evilly commented.  

"Oh, that would be nice." Lily beamed.

"Ok, honey, you're scaring me." James said.

"Don't you honey me! You're lucky I'm letting you call me Lily." She turned her back toward him.

"Anyway," Sirius exclaimed, "Shouldn't we owl them back.  They should come over here, don't you think?" he was looking at James.

"Yes, definitely." James said.  "When should we ask them to come?"

"How 'bout now." Lily said.  "That way we can stop pretending to be civilized." She spat and abruptly left the room, her arms firmly placed at the sides.

James let out a frustrated sigh.  "Now what the hell is this about?!" he called after her.  She came back into the room.

"You wouldn't know, would you?" she said and turned around once more.  She quickly went upstairs and slammed the door.  James just looked at Sirius.

"I….uh…wh….." he stuttered, his arms flailing.

"Well what are you waiting for? Go after her you git."

James nodded and reluctantly walked up the stairs to their bedroom.  They heard him open the door and gently shut it.

 Diana reached for Sirius' hand.  He didn't take it.  Instead he put his hands in his pockets and lit a cigarette.  She was hurt.  Then he walked over to the table, grabbed a piece of paper and started writing.  He was answering Remus' owl.  He simply stated that now would be a good time to come over so they could all go together.  He sealed it and walked over to the owl cage.  He attached the letter to Pegasus, James and Lily's owl, and then sent him off out the window.  He turned to face his wife.

Diana walked over to him, and attempted to kiss him on the cheek.  He turned his head.

"What is all this?" she asked, confused.

"Just do me a favor Diana and stop talking." He rudely answered.  Sirius knew all too well the past of Lucius and Diana.  For some crazy reason he thought that she still loved him.  It was the only insecurity he had.  He figured they had been talking and then she lied about it, which hurt him.  It wasn't so much that Lucius loved Diana.  He wasn't human enough.  He did, however, want to make her feel miserable without him.  He punished her, more than once, and it angered Sirius to see her nervous around him.

"Why?" she asked.

"I just can't stand to hear you."

Diana was distraught.  As if things weren't bad enough, she thought.  Now he doesn't trust me.  She respected his wishes and said nothing.  They remained silent for a good half hour.  They heard no yelling from upstairs, so they assumed it was a civilized argument.  Diana sat at the table while Sirius was leaning on the counter, facing the opposite direction.  They both jumped when they heard a knock at the door.  It wasn't locked.

Remus and Nicole entered in a jolly mood.  They had no reason to be upset.

"Hello all." Remus cheerfully exclaimed. Diana and Sirius got up to greet them while James and Lily came slowly down the stairs, hand in hand. 

"Well look at you two." Nicole said.  "Everything alright?"

James and Lily nodded.  Lily even let James kiss her softly on the cheek.

"Fantastic." Nicole said.  She turned to Diana and gave her a huge hug.  "Hello darling, it's so great to see you." Diana kissed her on the cheek.

"Same here Portman.  Wow, it's been ages." She said.

"I know.  Sirius, how are you?" Nicole said walking over to him.  She hugged him too.  He just smiled.

Then Remus walked over and hugged and kissed them both.  "Everything all right Padfoot?" he asked.

"Sure Moony, everything's great." Sirius smiled at his old friend.  James and Lily greeted them both and said their hellos.  Then Lily winked at Diana.  She smiled back.

"Well everyone, how much time have we got to kill before this bloody meeting?" Remus asked.

"We should leave now." Lily said.  "The letter said noon, and it's about ten now.  Since we can't apparate strait there we'll have to go to Hogsmeade and just walk a little."

"Sounds good." James said, and hugged Lily tighter.

"Let's go." Sirius said, without looking at Diana.

"Well, let us apparate first.  We have a lot of catching up to do." Nicole mentioned.  Lily and Diana nodded and smiled.  The three joined hands and in an instant were at the edge of Hogsmeade.  They began to walk the long path to Hogwarts.  The three men followed and were about fifty feet behind the women.

Lily, Diana, and Nicole talked about trivial things at first, but then the talk turned to Lily.

"How did it happen? I mean, yesterday you were livid." Nicole spoke.

"I still am, to a degree.  I don't know.  There's just something about him, I just love him too much." Lily sighed.  "He's my damn weakness and I hate it."

"What went on upstairs?" Diana asked.

"Oh well, he asked me what he did.  I told him that he should have been truthful about her age and he said I never asked about it.  He knew what I assumed though which means that he didn't want me knowing who she was."

"Hmm." Nicole said.

"So he admitted it." Diana said.

"Well, sort of.  He gives so many mixed signals that I never know what to believe. He apologized, again, and said that he just didn't want to hurt me.  He said he did it to protect me."

"From what?" Nicole screeched.

"I don't know.  I didn't cry or anything, thank god.  I just told him that he had to earn my trust if we were going to stay married."

"That was the right thing to do.  At least he trusts you." Diana said, looking at the ground.

"Well he still has to earn my trust, but what do you mean? Sirius doesn't trust you?" Lily asked, disbelievingly.

"Not today, at least."

"When did this happen?" Nicole asked.

"So he knows?" Lily said.

"About what?" Nicole knew nothing about breakfast, and why would she.

"We ran into the Malfoys this morning at breakfast." Lily recapped.  

"Oh.  Well, this is a problem." Nicole said.  "Well, did you talk to him?"

"Sort of.  It was more like threats on both ends though."

"Damn it Diana! You know better.  I knew it too, I knew it from the second you sat down." Lily angrily said.

"Listen you two, I'm not a little girl I can handle my own problems!" Diana yelled.

"Look at yourself! A thirty second conversation and you get all defensive." Lily replied.

"Yes.  And lets not forget Renton, that you couldn't handle your own problems when he was dangling his precious Dark Mark in front of your face.  Remember how pretty it looked, ma chere?"

"Please don't bring that up." Diana became jittery.  

"Ok, ok.  Calm down, and walk slower.  Breathe.  Sirius just has to calm down.  It'll be fine.  You know his history, and his family, what they were.  He almost lost you to that, and, well, I can't say that I blame him.  I think he's tried too hard to flush that all out, you know, he only does it because he loves you so much." Nicole was always good with things like that.  She had the most soothing voice that Diana began to instantly feel better.

"Ok.  I just don't want to ruin anything, you know."

"We know you don't sweetheart." Lily said rubbing her shoulders.

"Look our boys are catching up." Nicole pointed out.

"Hmm so they are." Lily added. "I wonder what they're talking about."

"Us I expect." Nicole chuckled.

"Yea, they don't really have lives so I suspect they would be." Lily said.  The three of them laughed.

*~*~*(The boys…..)

"What the hell is the matter with you Padfoot?" Remus asked.  "You've been awfully quiet."

"Yea, what's going on?  When Lily and I came down you looked a little off.  Not to mention that Diana looked upset.  Were you two fighting?"

"No, well it was more like not speaking.  I couldn't look at her." Sirius said, sadly.

"Why? This is random." Remus said.  "You guys don't fight."

"Was it Malfoy?" James asked.

"Oh, so that's it." Remus suddenly understood.  "I thought you were over that whole thing.  It was years ago."

"It doesn't matter how long ago it was Moony.  Sometimes I just think that she only married me to get away from all that.  It was sort of sudden." Sirius explained.

"No it wasn't.  You were together the majority of seventh year.  And you did sleep together at the end of sixth." Remus reminded him.

"I slept with a lot of people at the end of sixth."

"Manwhore." James coughed.

"Shut up.  Anyway, she didn't love me."

"Like hell she didn't.  You saved her, remember?" Remus said.

"And that's what it was, gratitude, nothing more."

"You stupid ass, how could you say that?" James angrily spat.

"Well it's true."

"No it isn't! Get over yourself man.  That woman adores you." James told him.  "She chose you over Malfoy, and she had a lot more to gain from him, remember.  She chose being an outcast and put herself in mortal danger so she could be your wife.  Does that mean anything to you?"

"Being a Black's not all it's cracked up to be.  I don't think she realized.  I'm not like my brother, or the lot of them."

"She knows that." Remus said.  "Believe me she does.  She loves you, not your family."

"Then how come she doesn't talk to me?  I never know what's bothering her, and she doesn't take the time to tell me."

"Well this sounds familiar." Remus said.

"Take last night for instance.  She had some sort of a panic attack and she told me it was just nerves.  Then this morning she tells me it was something she ate."

"Maybe she doesn't know what's bothering her." Remus said.

"That's true.  If she doesn't know, then how do you expect to?" James added.

"I don't know.  I love that girl.  Ask me 7 years ago and I'd have told you that you were bloody mad, but I do."

"Same with me and Lily.  Talk to her.  Ask her tonight.  You can't let it bottle up, its not right." James advised.

"Whatever." Sirius dismissed the conversation.  It was a little too heavy for him.

"Hey look there are the girls, lets catch up." Remus said.  

"Yea we're almost there." James added.  They quickened their steps and in a minute they were walking side by side with their significant others.  The only difference was that Remus and Nicole were in between Diana and Lily, and Sirius and James.  They just looked at each other and shrugged.

They finally saw Hogwarts in the clearing, the majestic, towering monstrosity that they had called home only four years ago.

"Wow, look at it." Nicole said as she grabbed Remus by the hand.

"Yea it's amazing." Lily said in wonderment.

"The place where dreams were created, huh guys?" Remus said.

"Best years of our lives." James said.  "No worries, no problems, well, not big ones anyway."

"Just major ones." Remus added.

"I wonder what the old coot has in store for us in there?" Sirius wondered.

"I don't know but it better be good, my feet are killing me." James said.  They all agreed.

All four of them walked, arm in arm practically, remembering the days that had long since past.  Their hearts warmed at the site of it, and each of them smiled and looked at each other.  They stopped for a few seconds and just stared.

"Well chaps, let's go." James said.

James walked ahead, and Lily, who was walking briskly, was right there next to him.

(Whew. Finished. As you can see I happen to like ridiculously long chapters.  Bear with me.  I hope you liked it, please READ AND REVIEW!!! :)I need them damn it! ~Angelxd14)


	10. The Original Order of the Phoenix

Disclaimer: all I own are my OC's and some of the plot. I am so sick of writing these.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Do you know where we have to go?" Lily asked as she tried catching up to James. He was walking ridiculously fast and he and Lily were way ahead of everyone else.  
  
"Yes, it said Dumbledore's office, remember?" He was in such a hurry to get there that Lily had to walk twice as fast just to keep in time with his long strides.  
  
"Will you slow down." She pleaded. She was starting to run out of breath. He stopped and waited for her to catch up. His step was slower and they were walking side by side up the pathway to their former school. They stopped at the entrance.  
  
"Shouldn't we wait?" she asked as she saw the other four straggle up the pathway, trying to keep up. He nodded and put his hands on his hips.  
  
"Will you lot hurry up!" he shouted, frustrated. He couldn't wait to get inside the building. It had been four years since he had last seen it, the day he proposed to Lily at graduation. The place had an aura about it, one that brought out the best in him. When they attended he was almost like a celebrity with his Quidditch glory and Head Boy status. Just standing in front of it seemed to transform him, from twenty-two to eighteen again. He was impatient and began to fidget, acting as though he would be waiting for all eternity unless they hurried up.  
  
Lily looked at him. It was almost like wiping away years off their lives. She felt it too. She was angry before, but her bitterness faded at his childish movements and adolescent demeanor. She felt like laughing. She wanted to grab him and pull him to her forcefully, if only for a second recapture everything that had been lost. She wanted to be eighteen again, if only for a second.  
  
Sirius, Remus, Nicole and Diana finally got to the end of the pathway. When they were finished panting they looked up at Hogwarts and smiled. Remus hugged Nicole as tightly as ever, while Sirius looked away from his wife. Lily saw this and grabbed Diana's hand. She smiled and they walked inside first. James hurriedly followed with Nicole and Remus right behind him. They never let go of each other's hands. Sirius straggled behind with his hands in his pockets.  
  
As they walked they scanned the inside of the school in awe. They remembered exactly where to go. While they attended they spent quite a bit of time in Dumbledore's office.  
  
They looked eagerly at all of the children running past them, none of them stopping to notice the six strangers. There were Gryffindors and Ravenclaws, Slytherins and Hufflepuffs, each one wearing the robes that defined their character. They were on their way to their respective common rooms. It was time for lunch in the great hall. Smiles crept across their faces. Even Sirius smirked at the sight of a Gryffindor boy slipping a dung bomb into another little girl's cauldron. His grin became wider as he heard it explode and a scream permeate the halls. "I'll get you for that!" he heard her say. Then he looked at Diana. She was looking behind her at the noise, laughing with Lily. She caught Sirius' eyes and tried to smile. He then looked the other way. They rounded the corridor and made there way to the teacher's wing.  
  
"It's exactly the same." Remus said, as they approached the office of their old headmaster.  
  
"I know. But why do I feel like I'm about to get in trouble?" James asked. He was fidgeting even more.  
  
"Maybe because when you came here you usually were in trouble." Lily said, still clutching Diana's hand. "And will you stop that. You look as though you have to go to the bathroom or something." Lily told him.  
  
"Sorry." He became steady. "Hey, hold on. Did the letter give a password?"  
  
The thought just hit all of them at that moment.  
  
"Of course, a password." Remus said, shocked at himself for forgetting such a crucial necessity. "Well now how are we going to get in there now?"  
  
No less than five seconds later they heard hurried footsteps coming down the hall. It was Minerva McGonagal, deputy headmistress, Head of Gryffindor house and their old Transfiguration teacher. She stopped when she saw them. She simply looked at them with her usual straitlaced glare.  
  
"You're late!" she spat. "We have been waiting at least ten minutes for you. You are the last to arrive."  
  
"So we're not the only ones who have been called here?" James asked.  
  
"Is that what you thought Mr. Potter? Well I'm sorry to inform you that it is indeed, not the case. He hasn't started yet so I suggest you six get up there as soon as possible."  
  
"Um." Diana actually started to raise her hand.  
  
"Yes, Miss Renton what is it?" McGonagal said, shaking her head.  
  
"We don't know the password." She feebly spoke; she didn't like feeling like she was twelve again.  
  
"Oh yes I completely forgot to write it in the letter, didn't I? Well no matter." She said. She turned around and faced the office entrance. "Fizzing Whizbees." She sighed. James and Sirius chuckled and looked at one another. Everyone else just rolled their eyes at their immaturity.  
  
"Wait, wait!" they heard a squeaky voice behind them call. They turned around and to their astonishment saw Peter hurrying towards them, panting uncontrollably.  
  
"Peter?" Lily asked, and the three girls looked oddly at each other.  
  
"Ah, Mr. Pettigrew." McGonagal sighed. "I figured you would be tardy as well. No matter, hurry now, all of you."  
  
"Nice to see you Wormtail." James said, patting Peter on the back. Peter nodded and smiled at all of them in turned.  
  
"All the Marauders are here." Remus said, fondly and gave a smirk to each of them.  
  
They each climbed up the stairs looking at one another. They had no idea what to expect from this sudden call back to Hogwarts.  
  
James and Lily entered first and were startled to see sixth other individuals there. Everyone crowded into the room with Professor McGonagal being the last. She took her place next to Dumbledore.  
  
"Ah, I see that our usual stragglers have arrived at last. It's wonderful to see you all." Dumbledore spoke, as he nodded at the lot of slightly nervous former students.  
  
"Hello Professor." They each said, not quite all at once.  
  
"Now, enough formalities. Let me get to the point of this rather sudden meeting. I am delighted that you all were able to attend on such short notice. I will take the liberty of introducing everyone, although I am sure you all know each other. It will make things easier." Dumbledore started pointing to the people in front of him. He paused after each name. "Mundungus Fletcher, Alastor Moody, Arthur and Molly Weasley, Frank Longbottom, Alice Ferguson, Dedalus Diggle, Marlene McKinnon, Emmeline Vance..." he took a deep breath. There were quite a lot of people that he managed to squeeze into his office. Some of them looked calmer than others to be there.  
  
".. Benjy Fenwick, Edgar Bones, Sturgis Podmore, Caradoc Dearborn, Hagrid, Elphias Doge, Fabian and Gideon Prewett..."  
  
Needless to say they were surprised yet comforted by the fact that Hagrid was there. He nodded and smiled at them, excited and nervous as the rest of them.  
  
"....my brother Aberforth..." he continued. Many people stopped and gave quick glances to the man Dumbledore refered to as his 'brother'. They had no idea Dumbledore had a brother, and they all wondered how similar the two could possibly be. They were similar in appearance, both having long white beards and elegant robes, but Dumbledore had that certain twinkle in his eye that Aberforth seemed to be lacking.  
  
"...and Dorcas Meadowes."  
  
He made his way to the back. "Remus Lupin, Nicole Portman, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans Potter, James Potter, Diana Renton Black, and Sirius Black."  
  
Everyone looked at each other. Alice was utterly relieved when she saw Lily and Diana. No one spoke out of nervousness. Everyone however, did know each other, whether it was from Hogwarts or their occupations. Some were surprised and some were uncomfortable. They all, however, were nervous. They still didn't know the purpose of this meeting.  
  
"Now then." Dumbledore spoke. "Let us get to the reason that you are here. As you all know, there is a war going on inside our world. The Dark Arts have virtually taken over our society, although some won't admit it. We have to recognize the problem and try to repair it as soon as possible. The attempts of the Ministry are futile, and the war has become too public. Propaganda pollutes our periodicals and has made people afraid, when our goal is to remain calm in such situations. We are to fight against the powers of evil and those who desire world domination. Now this fighting is not necessarily in combat, although many of you are, in fact Aurors. At this moment I will not unmask you. That is purely coincidence, however.  
  
"This meeting was called as a last resort. I do not choose to get involved any longer with the pain and tragedy that comes with what I am about to ask you. Instead I leave it up to all of you. In all my years here I cannot think of any others who I trust more than all of you. You have all, in the past shown me great loyalty, and in return I give you great responsibility. It is your choice whether or not you join me, I am asking a great deal. This is not an army, I will never tell you to kill others to bring peace. It can be achieved in other ways. Whether or not you kill is entirely up to you.  
  
"What I am proposing is a chance to take part in a very secret mission, an Order if you will. Its purpose, to summarize, is to bring down the Dark Arts. That is, the symbol that seems to permanently illuminate the skies of both muggles and wizards. The symbol of Voldomort. Do you all understand?"  
  
They were in shock. Some shuddered at the mention of Voldomort's name, while others remained unfazed. Every one of them had no idea what to think or say. Do they say yes? Do they refuse? The only person who even attempted to speak was Lily, and she was incredibly cautious in phrasing her words carefully.  
  
"I just have a question professor." Lily stuttered.  
  
"Yes Miss Evans?" he understandingly replied.  
  
"Why us? I mean, surly there are other wizards, ones with more talent, more experience, who are.."  
  
"Older?" he smiled.  
  
"Well..yes. What I mean is, we haven't exactly been out here too long. We're not even in our mid twenties. We haven't really experienced anything this catastrophic yet. What makes us so extraordinary?" she was baffled. Never in all her years could she have ever expected something this huge to be put on a silver platter in front of her. It was a tremendous responsibility and she wanted his reasons as to why it was given to them.  
  
"I know all to well what makes each of you extraordinary. And I think you do as well." He eyed Lily carefully. She shuddered. "So then, who will join me? I am sorry but we have limited time, and I can't give any to you to think it over."  
  
They all just looked at each other; none of them knew what to say. If only someone would speak first.  
  
"I will!" Everyone turned to see Lily and James quickly look at each other. They had both said it at the exact same time.  
  
Then all of them stood up and pledged their allegiance to Dumbledore and swore to honor the Order. When they were all finished even McGonagal was smiling.  
  
"Excellent!" Dumbledore spoke with joy. "I am incredibly relieved." Everyone was smiling now, each one jitterier than the other.  
  
"Now, I must say to you all one thing. If, for any reason one of you, or more than one, perishes while a member of this Order, you will have to be replaced. The Order is continuous and only this number of people shall participate. When the number, if ever, reaches very few, then the Order will have to go on hiatus, until others are chosen. Eventually all of you will be replaced. Some will die in the midst of all this, and some later in life. This Order is ancient and dates back to the time of our very own Hogwarts founders. It is, for lack of a better word, a secret society, one in which the name of can never be uttered around non-members. You will each have your own duties that I will assign to you, and know that you are a member of this Order until death. Have I made myself clear?"  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"Professor?" Nicole asked. He nodded.  
  
"What, exactly is this called? I mean how are we supposed to utter the same of a society that we don't even know?"  
  
"Excellent question Miss Portman. The name comes from a very dear friend of mine, one whom you all know." He gets up from his chair and slowly walks over to Fawkes' perch, and lovingly rubbed his smooth feathers. "It is called none other than..The Order of the Phoenix."  
  
"Thank you sir." She answered, not really knowing what to make of anything.  
  
"Now onto your duties." He spoke. "Six of you are Aurors, and will remain so for the time being. It is important that we have some who are experienced in the art of battle. For those who are not, I have other duties for you. Firstly, Mr. Lupin, you are a researcher am I correct?"  
  
"Yes sir." He responded.  
  
"Lycanthropy yes?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
Remus nodded.  
  
"In addition to that I will need you to do one other thing. I need to research everything that has to do with Dark Magic. You will have to observe certain lifestyles. That is, you will need to spend quite a bit of time in Knockturn Alley. You will find that history has the tendency to repeat itself. It will be up to you to find a pattern, a certain code. You will not be working alone, however. Mrs. Weasley, will you be able to assist him?"  
  
"Of course." She answered. It was the first time she had spoken. Molly Weasley was a mother; it would be very difficult for her to do anything that was severely in demand. Dumbledore, of course took this into consideration. She had already given birth to three sons. She was a homely, caring woman who was a great asset.  
  
"Excellent." He said. "Mr. Weasley, are you still working in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office?"  
  
"Yes sir, I am." He confidently spoke.  
  
"Well Arthur, your love of Muggles certainly places you very highly on my list. There are, after all, more of them than there are us. Your job will be to assist in protecting them. This is very broad, I know. You will do whatever is possible, to make sure they are not in danger, and do not find out about our world."  
  
"Of course. Thank you Professor." Arthur replied. He did, in fact love Muggles. He found them absolutely fascinating. He took it as an honor to protect them.  
  
"As for you Miss Portman. Your job will be to put an end to all of the so- called, yellow journalism in our papers. You and Mr. Fletcher will infiltrate any information that seems to be suspicious, or might create a panic."  
  
"Yes Sir." They both said.  
  
"Oh and one more thing Miss Portman. You will, in addition to your position at Witch Weekly, will have a job at the Daily Prophet."  
  
"Oh thank you sir!" she cried. He put up his hand to silence her.  
  
"However, you and Mr. Fletcher will be writing under a pen name, you may choose it."  
  
"Sure Sir. I don't mind." She was so happy. It had been her dream to work at the Daily Prophet. Now she finally had the chance to write about things that actually mattered. She was beside herself with excitement.  
  
"Fletcher?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, sir, of course." Mundugus Fletcher was a few years older than the rest of them, about the age of the Weasleys. They all knew him, however, he was swindler as they say, and was all too familiar in bootlegging and crime. He was a great supporter of Dumbledore because of a favor he once did for him. He knew the streets well, which would prove a great asset to the Order. He would help Nicole convey the truth.  
  
"Fine. Now onto you six. Miss Evans, is the future Mr. Longbottom finished with her training?"  
  
Lily looked at Alice, who was anxious. "Indeed she is sir." Lily said, with a smile across her face. She was very proud of how far Alice had come in these past few weeks.  
  
"And when do you go back to Mr. Crouch?"  
  
"Monday Sir." Lily said.  
  
"Excellent. She will start then. The jobs of Mr. Potter, Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Black and Mr. Moody will remain the same. You will continue to fight against the Death Eaters, but you will now serve under my orders in addition to those of Crouch's. If they contradict, it will be up to you to choose. You all have a very clear understanding of what you're doing?"  
  
"Yes." They all answered.  
  
"As for you, Miss Renton. Your job will be the same as theirs; only I must ask you and Miss Evans to give a little more, if you will."  
  
"Um, alright sir." Diana answered. She didn't know why she was being singled out.  
  
"I believe you are the only one here who has experienced the Dark Arts first hand. Am I correct in this assumption?"  
  
"Yes sir." She sighed. She hated discussing this. She just stared at the floor in disappointment.  
  
"Therefore, you know more than there can ever be discovered in any book. Your experiences are valuable, although unfortunate. I need you to reveal as much as you can to us, but not at this moment. I also need you to find out more. What I am about to ask the both of you is a lot. Are you prepared?"  
  
"Just one thing sir." Lily spoke. "Why me as well? I mean, I have never.."  
  
"I realize that Miss Evans, but, I doubt your dear friend wants to be alone in this mission." He smiled at Diana. Diana then turned and smiled at Lily.  
  
"You two, will have to infiltrate the meetings and gather first hand what is happening in the depths of the inner circle."  
  
"What?! Are you mad?" Sirius spat, angry as all hell.  
  
"Do you have any idea what you're asking?" James joined him.  
  
"Now, now, now listen to me for a moment boys. I know precisely the amount of risk that goes into this. They will not be in public. I am not asking them to join the Death Eaters."  
  
"Oh." James said. " We're sorry sir. We just thought.."  
  
"I understand Mr. Potter, it is perfectly alright. I know these women we are speaking of are your wives. I do not want them in any more danger than you do. I will give them something that will make them inconspicuous. In fact, now I will present it to you all.  
  
He nodded to McGonagal and she left his side. She came back a minute later with a medium sized trunk. She opened it. She then took out one of the items and held it in front of her. He body seemed to disappear. They all stood there in awe.  
  
"This my friends, is an Invisibility Cloak. As you can see, upon draping it over one's body it makes a person invisible. You will all have these for your own protection. I trust you will use them wisely. Miss Renton and Miss Evans may wear these as they see fit, as may the rest of you. There are other measures, however, that I will discuss with you two privately and on a different occasion. Do any of you have any questions?"  
  
"Sir?" Diana asked. "I..I just..don't think that I can..well, I mean.."  
  
"Silence Miss Renton. I have absolute faith in you and Miss Evans. It is a challenge I know, but I believe in you. We all believe in you."  
  
McGonagal nodded as well, and actually smiled at her. These people had grown up so much in the last four years, she thought. They were ladies and gentlemen. It seemed like only yesterday that they were making trouble in the common room and cramming for their O.W.L.s. She was so proud.  
  
Diana simply nodded.  
  
"Professor?" James asked.  
  
"Yes Mr. Potter." He said, nodding his head.  
  
"I.uh...I already have one, you know, of those." He said, pointing to the cloak.  
  
"Yes I am aware of that." He simply said. "One more can't hurt can it? This will be a spare, or in case anything happens to the one your father left you."  
  
"Right. Thank you sir." James said.  
  
"As for the rest of you, you all know what you must do, as you were here earlier. Now, this meeting is adjourned. You will receive owls whenever there is another. If, for any reason I cannot get in touch with you, someone will contact you personally. I will be checking up soon on all of you, to see how things are going. You are to start immediately after leaving this room. I am eternally proud of you all, and I wish you luck."  
  
Upon saying those words he retreated to the back of his office. People began to hug each other as they left, but they waited until they were outside to speak of anything. Molly Weasley approached the girls as they began to walk away, and hugged each of them warmly. Then she grabbed the hands of Diana and Lily.  
  
"Oh my, girls. Don't worry about a thing, it will all turn out right as rain, I know it. And if anyone can do this, you two can." She was so sweet and lovely to them. She smiled and hugged them once more.  
  
"Thank you Molly." Lily said. "How are those gorgeous sons of yours? They must be quite the handful these days." She said trying to make light conversation.  
  
"Oh they're wonderful. Percy is a little devil these days, and this is Charlie's first year here at Hogwarts."  
  
"Are you kidding me? Already?" Diana asked, shocked. "Time certainly flies nowadays. First year? My god I feel so old."  
  
"I know it seems like yesterday that you two came 'round to baby-sit the little monsters."  
  
"Oh my yes." She laughed. "How are the little twins? Do you want to put your hair out yet?" Lily joked.  
  
"Oh, don't get me started." Molly said. "I think they are plotting my downfall as we speak." They laughed. "But, Arthur and I must be getting home. I don't think Percy can handle them. I suspect the house will be upside down when we get back."  
  
"Of course. Bye Molly." Lily said as they all hugged. Molly then took her place next to her husband and they all waved goodbye. Lily then turned to Alice as she was leaving with Frank.  
  
"Alice dear, are you ready?" she called out.  
  
"Yes." She answered as they proceeded to leave. "I hope I don't disappoint you!"  
  
"You won't! I promise!" Lily shouted. They all waved goodbye to Frank and Alice.  
  
Sirius, who was talking with James and Fletcher, called after Moody who was walking away.  
  
"Alastor old boy," he said. "How are you feeling, I mean is everything alright?"  
  
"You do not need to concern yourself with me Black. I am perfectly capable of dealing with things myself, but thank you, and good day." Moody said as he was leaving.  
  
No one could understand Moody really. He was a paranoid sort of fellow who was considered, by most to be the best Auror in the world. He was friendly to his fellow peers, even if they all were slightly younger than him. He respected them all and was deeply respected in return. They, after all, had kinship with one another through their experiences. His face alone told thousands of stories, and his mysterious blue, traveling eye had secrets of its own.  
  
Everyone proceeded to leave Hogwarts and when they came to the entranceway they couldn't help but feel a hint of sadness. Nicole was beside herself with happiness, having received the job she finally deserved. She didn't care at all that it would be under a pen name and that she would be working with Fletcher. It was a blessing to her.  
  
"Oh Fletcher I am so excited aren't you?" she asked as she hugged him goodbye.  
  
"Yes of course. It is..er...an honor..really." He answered, tipping his hat to her.  
  
"Well, I'll see you Monday." She called as he quickly left the grounds. He just waved back at her. Then she turned to Remus and gave him a long, hard kiss.  
  
"Well, what was that for?" he asked. His face was all red.  
  
"I just love you that's all." She said, stroking his cheek.  
  
"I love you too, baby." He answered, and kissed her hair. "So what do you want to do now?"  
  
"I don't know. Lets just get out of here." She whispered. The other four, who had remained silent, were listening and feeling a little bit uncomfortable.  
  
"Ahem!" Sirius grunted.  
  
"Oh sorry lads." Remus answered. "Um, we'll catch you guys later ok? Not to be rude or anything." They all made their way to the gates and stood on the other side of it.  
  
"See you later." Nicole said, not taking her eyes off of Remus.  
  
"Bye." They all feebly spoke. Then Remus and Nicole apparated out of site to their home, where they could be with each other.  
  
"Isn't that cute?" Lily said to Diana, nudging her.  
  
"Oh yea, real cute." She sarcastically replied.  
  
"Seriously. So I guess Moony doesn't have time for his old friends when he wants to get laid." Sirius said.  
  
"Oh shut up Black." Lily said, as she punched him in the shoulder, not quite playfully.  
  
"At least one of us is getting laid around here." James said, a little too loudly. Lily just looked at him, wide-eyed and furious. Any amount of affection she had for him before was gone.  
  
"I'm going home." She said, shaking her head in rage. She didn't know where to begin.  
  
"Uh, Lil do you want me to come with you?" Diana said, trying to calm her down a bit.  
  
Lily just shook her head, waved and let out a weak "I'll owl you later," and disappeared back to London.  
  
"Uh, you idiot!" Diana said, as she slapped James upside the head. "Do you ever think, at all?"  
  
"Ow! What I...was.just.." James tried to explain.  
  
"You know what, save it." Sirius answered. "I have to get home, I'm tired." He put his hand on James' shoulder. "I'll see you later mate." With that Sirius apparated back home. Diana was still there.  
  
"Well, I guess that means I should be heading out too. I guess we'll talk later." She said.  
  
"Listen Diana. Um, maybe you should talk to Sirius when you get home. He seems a little upset." James advised.  
  
"I don't need your advice Potter, I can handle my marriage thank you."  
  
"Hey, you don't have to attack me, I'm just saying.."  
  
"You have no right giving anyone advice, do you hear me? She may have accepted your apology but I see right through you. Leaving letters on the counter, honestly. You had better fix it and quick because you are both ridiculously confused. If you hurt her again I swear.."  
  
"Alright Diana, I understand. I'm working on it I promise, it WILL work out."  
  
"You make sure it does Potter. Now I'm sorry for being so forward but I've told you what she means to me. Now I'll talk to you soon ok? Goodbye." Then she apparated home to Sirius. When James realized no one was there he quickly disappeared to join Lily at home.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~**~*~ The Black household...  
  
Diana apparated into the kitchen to find some food had been left out. Sirius was in the living room eating a slice of apple pie. She put the food away and proceeded to join him. She did acknowledge the fact that they had to talk. When he saw her enter he got up and made his way back to the kitchen. He loudly threw the dish in the sick and then went into the bedroom. He made sure to slam the door as he closed it. Disgusted, she got up angrily and walked over to their bedroom. She threw the door open and walked in with her hands firmly placed on her hips. She was glaring at him, infuriated that he was acting this way towards her.  
  
Sirius was lying down with his arm wrapped around his head.  
  
"What?" he asked with obvious attitude.  
  
"You want to tell me why the hell you're acting this way? Because I don't have a clue."  
  
"Oh like hell you don't." He didn't move.  
  
"Don't give me that 'like hell you don't' crap. Why are you acting so immature? Giving me the silent treatment isn't going to solve anything."  
  
"Works for me." He nonchalantly exclaimed.  
  
"What did I do? This morning everything's fine, and now it's like you hate me or something. It's like night and day with you. I don't like this."  
  
"What? You don't like me?"  
  
"Well, right now I don't." This wasn't quite what she meant, but it was what came out, and it made him only feel worse.  
  
"Oh yeah, why not?"  
  
"Because you're acting like a prick, that's why. You have absolutely no right to be angry with me."  
  
"Well that's debatable." He was still retaining his careless yet angry attitude, but he wanted her to know precisely why he was hurt.  
  
"Ok then. Why don't you give me a reason and then we can figure out if you are allowed to be mad at me. But if you're not going to tell me anything then we have a problem because I am not going to sit here and give you permission to be an asshole!" she screamed. This was only getting worse. The fact that the true reason wasn't coming out was making her severely irritated.  
  
He got up from the bed and looked her strait in the eye, angrily. Her yelling provoked him, and him became overpowered with frustration, grief and animosity. This anger had been bottled up the entire day.  
  
She flinched at his anger, just a little but not enough to cripple her strength. She wasn't afraid of him, but she did feel intimidated. She was, after all, the reason for his anger.  
  
"You really want to know why I'm upset?" he rhetorically asked, breathing heavily onto her face.  
  
"Well it would certainly be helpful." She replied, trying to remain calm.  
  
"Ok. You said that this morning was fine, right? Think! Think about what happened this morning." He wanted her to figure it out, maybe then she'd understand.  
  
"Oh god, I don't know. We, uh, got up, sort of had tea, went to James and Lily's..uh, this is stupid, I don't want to play games." She was getting annoyed and really wanted this argument to get to the point already.  
  
"Finish it." he said as he folded his arms and leaned against the wall.  
  
She sighed. "Well, we, um, we went out to breakfast."  
  
"And what happened at breakfast?" he condescendingly asked.  
  
"I don't know, we ate!" she threw her arms in the air out of intense frustration. "Will you just tell me this is ridiculous!" She felt like a child, being interrogated by an angry father who wanted to make his daughter know the reason for her unnecessary punishment.  
  
"No, I want to hear you say it. What else happened Diana?" He reached in his pockets and grabbed his cigarettes. He lit one and without offering, stuck them in his pockets.  
  
"You want me to say it. I don't believe this. You are such a child, you know that. I have no idea what the fuck happened this morning so why don't you just stop beating around the bush and spit it the hell out!"  
  
"No, think about it. Who did we run into this morning hmm?" Suddenly it dawned on her. The Malfoys, of course. She was beyond infuriated at him. How could he have gotten so upset? Did he know that they had spoken? She couldn't believe it. Was he really that insecure?  
  
"Oh my god." She said, putting her hands over her face. "Are you kidding me? THAT'S what is bothering you? All they did was sit by us, that's all there was."  
  
"You're lying!" he screamed and rushed in front of her. "You spoke to him I know it."  
  
"Why would I speak to him? There is absolutely no reason for me to!" She knew she was lying, but she knew how upset he'd get. But by now there was not turning back.  
  
"Please, I can see it all over your face. You were nervous and scared. You were sweating." So he did notice, she thought. She felt guilty.  
  
"I didn't feel well, you know that!" She was avoiding it, and he knew it.  
  
"Oh don't use that as an excuse. When you came back even Lily saw it. You can't lie to us. Now admit it!"  
  
"Fine! Fine!" she was tired and had to tell him. I don't see why it bloody matters. It's not like I was going to run off with him!"  
  
"Well I always have to worry about that don't I?" This topic was an incredibly difficult one for him. He secretly knew that she would never do such a thing, but he was never all that confident about it.  
  
"Oh you're pathetic! Do you really think that? Is that how weak you are? You really don't trust me." She was taken back by his blatant distrust for her. She really had never thought about how much it hurt him until now.  
  
"I'm weak? You're the one who shudders at the mere sight of him. Why can't you just admit that he gets to you?"  
  
"Because he doesn't." This was only half true. There was a part of her that was still afraid. "It was years ago. Do you really think I still care about him? Damn it Sirius, YOU are my husband, only you! Listen, I can't change what happened, but you saved me from all that. I adore you for it, and this is what I get: jealousy, anger, disappointment, and mistrust. You should know better."  
  
"Can you honestly blame me? Why don't you just admit that you only married me because I was a safe bet. You knew that I would protect you. I was your escape from that world." There is a pause. She had no idea he felt this way. She takes a seat on the bed and just stares at him. Her eyes began to water. She truly loved him, and hated the fact that he didn't think so.  
  
"How could you say these things?" she cried. "Is that what you think of me? All this time you thought I didn't care? You think my heart is HIS?! I don't even know what to say to this. You really must not know me at all. I didn't choose you, Sirius, because you were a safe bet. I chose you because I love you. You are the only man who has ever made me happy. Malfoy? Malfoy never loved me, and the love I had for him was stupid, and foolish and blind. He deserves to rot in hell for what he's done to me. And to think, that the only thing that was truly constant, the only thing I believe in is you, and you have the audacity to doubt me. Your extensive insecurity breaks my heart."  
  
She wept there on that bed for about ten minutes, alone, until Sirius began to cry as well. It was too much for them both. Years and years of bottled feelings made there way to the surface, and the anger drastically changed to intense despair. He made his way to her, and picked her head up. He felt horrible. He did not want to be the reason for her tears. She grabbed onto him tightly and cried harder. After a few more minutes she looked up and him, tears streaming down her face.  
  
"I'm so sorry honey. Please don't be angry with me. We've been through so much. I don't want to lose this."  
  
"I know, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have been so judgmental. I am such an idiot." She had told him the truth, and he felt guilty for not believing in her. It was just that he loved her so much; he didn't want to lose her, like he almost did, years ago.  
  
"No, you had every right to be. I wasn't exactly stable when you found me. It's my own fault." She wished so hard that she could undo the past, that she could go back and do those last two years all over again. But then again, maybe they wouldn't be as close as they were at that moment.  
  
"I can't help it if I'm a little overprotective. I just know it would kill me, if.god forbid."  
  
"It's over. It's all over. You're my guy, even if you are a jerk sometimes." She tried to crack a smile as she ran her hand through his thick, black hair.  
  
"Well you have your moments too. You can be quite the bitch." He said, wiping his eyes. He felt a little silly, a grown man crying in his wife's arms. It was surprisingly out of character for him.  
  
"Would you have it any other way?" she joked. She and Sirius were the same, they both knew that, just as they each had their demons, but would only be truly complete with one another.  
  
"I think not. But I will say one thing; I need you to talk to me, to tell me things. Even if you know I'll get upset, I need you to talk to me."  
  
She sniffed. "Ok I promise I will. Try not to get so jealous over stupid things."  
  
"Alright." He smiled back at her. "Are you sure you're feeling better? What is the matter with you?"  
  
"I'm not really sure. A lot of things I expect. And it also didn't help that your darling cousin kept staring at us too."  
  
"Who? Narcissa? Well, she wasn't staring at us." He said, not really under his breath.  
  
"Hmm." She said. " I noticed that."  
  
"Maybe we should take you to a healer." He said, changing the subject and reaching for a tissue on the nightstand and giving it to her. She dabbed her eyes with it.  
  
"I don't know. I really don't think it's that big of a deal, but if you want me to I will."  
  
"No. It was just today. Only if it continues." He took the tissue away and threw it in the wastebasket.  
  
"So are we ok?" she questioned. They could never really stay mad at one another, not like Lily and James.  
  
"Yes we're good. I just think we needed a fight, we don't have them too often." He joked, but it was true.  
  
"I don't like them. I don't know how James and Lily do it. It's so exhausting."  
  
"Yes it is." He grabbed her face in his hands and kissed her cheek lightly. " I love you, Diana Arabella Renton, so much you have no idea."  
  
"I love you too, Sirius." She kissed him softly, but long. He grabbed her tightly and pulled her to him with a gentle force. He let go of her and began kissing her neck.  
  
"I guess Remus isn't the only one getting laid in the middle of the afternoon." He whispered. She began to laugh as she pushed him away. That comment, to her, was so inappropriate she became totally uninterested.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"You killed it. You just killed it." she laughed, as she pushed herself off the bed.  
  
"No. Wait. No. Please?" he begged. He couldn't believe after all that she was actually going to leave him high and dry.  
  
"Oh that's masculine. If you need me I'll be in the kitchen getting some food. I think it will satisfy me a little more." She left the room. Sirius just sat there, thinking that he should have never opened his stupid mouth. He was fidgeting, totally unsatisfied and restless. He needed some sort of pay off. She was being unfair. Then he got up and walked into the kitchen. Diana was getting ice cream out of the fridge.  
  
"Hungry?" she mockingly asked him. It was funny how quickly their arguments were practically forgotten. He didn't say a word. He thought her a goddess standing there, and was incredibly intrigued. He just walked up behind her and put his hands around her waist. Then, to her surprise he lifted her up and turned her around to face him.  
  
"Masculine? I'll show you masculine." He roared as he hoisted her into his arms and dragged her, playfully kicking and screaming back into the bedroom. He slammed the door and let out another growl. She was laughing for another five minutes until he stopped her with his own mouth, hushing her. This was, in their opinion, the best way to make up.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Back to the Potter household..  
  
Lily is in the bedroom straitening up when James walks in with a nervous look on his face. He was very aware that he had said something profoundly stupid and really did not want to fight with her again.  
  
"Lily I didn't mean that." He cautiously said. "Really it just came out, I wasn't thinking."  
  
"Yes well you're never really thinking are you?" she shot back. This annoyed mood was becoming somewhat of a habit for her. She didn't like it. Lately it didn't take a lot to upset her but a comment like that put her a bit over the edge.  
  
"I was really only joking.."  
  
"I don't care. We are going to have to make some huge changes around here. It wasn't nice of you to say. You know, it took a lot to make me stay here James, a lot. I don't appreciate this. If you want to get laid so badly then.."  
  
"Lily, please, I'm sorry but I am so tired of fighting with you. Can't we just be friends? I really want to be on good terms with you, please." He pleaded with her.  
  
"You know, you think that just because you have apologized three times in less than twenty-four hours, that everything is going to be great. Well, so far it sucks. Just because we have made it clear that we really do love each other doesn't mean that I am going to just hop in the sack with you. It doesn't work that way. You have to be patient."  
  
"I know. I want this to work. You can take as much time as you need."  
  
"Well, gee thanks for your permission. Do you think I don't want to? Is that it?"  
  
"Well, why else."  
  
"I'm trying to make you suffer you idiot." She realized that she probably shouldn't have said that. '' I mean, I'm a woman, I have needs just as much as you do."  
  
"So what, you have just been biding you time? Trying to see if I'll crack?"  
  
"Calm down, I haven't even been here a full day." She said, lighting a cigarette. She offered him one. He refused.  
  
"So, hold on. Do you want to.now?"  
  
"Not particularly."  
  
"So you're basically saying that when your finished punishing me, that then you will reward me with, well, you. Jesus Lil haven't I been punished enough?" he asked.  
  
She started laughing. "No, I really don't think so."  
  
"Well, when will it be enough? You've already beaten me senseless. When can I prove to you my true and undying love and devotion for you? Do you want me to castrate myself?" She continued laughing.  
  
"You're funny James you know that. You think everything can be erased in a single day. Well it can't. This is reality. I love you, you know that, but you are also my least favorite person on the planet."  
  
"Oh that's great. That's really really nice. You know, you're not my favorite person right now either." He said, reaching for his own cigarettes. He had to calm down. He was really frustrated.  
  
"I'm not trying to be." She sighed. "Oh James.. you are a relationship fool." She said walking towards him. "You think a little I'm sorry is going to make it all better. It's sort of cute really." She smirked.  
  
"I'm glad it amuses you." He sighed, staring at her. She was so tempting it made him sick.  
  
"And you shouldn't leave letters from your mistress lying around. Someone just might pick them up." She casually stated, to unnerve him.  
  
"So you actually read them?" he asked, shocked. He remembered seeing the bag open.  
  
"You bet your ass I did. Fascinating woman, although a bit on the scary side." She was till retaining her casual behavior, to both their surprise. She expected herself to be a bit more nervous when this was finally discussed. "And she is absolutely nothing like me."  
  
"I know." He added, and this made her a little jealous. "You're ten times better than she'll ever be." This did make her smile, even though it was a blatant attempt to get him on her good side. "I wasn't thinking."  
  
"No you weren't." she said as she walked closer to him. She tried to smooth his messy black hair, with no success. Then she put her hand on his cheek and sighed. "I really can't take you sometimes, you know that. You are my bloody weakness Mr. Potter."  
  
He covered her hand with his and pulled her hair away from her face. "And you are mine. I will never be free of you Lil, 'till the day I die."  
  
"I do have my ways." She joked. "Some say I was a veela in my past life."  
  
"No, you're too pretty." He said, staring into her perfect emerald eyes. Those eyes could hypnotize him. All she had to do was look at him a certain way, she knew, and he was completely and utterly aroused.  
  
"Ah the Potter charm, I was wondering where it'd gone." She said smiling.  
  
Then she did something she didn't expect. She pulled him to her and kissed him, savagely, ravenously. He gripped her tight as if there was no better feeling in the world than being with her at that moment. She needed to be kissed too, badly. They took deep breaths in between that even they thought they would never be able to come apart. It was a long kiss, and highly enticing. They couldn't get any closer. Well, not quite. It was when he began to feel around that she stopped him.  
  
She stepped back a few feet and cleared her throat. Then she walked to the other side of the room and grabbed her purse. When she passed him on her way to the door he pulled her back.  
  
"Where do you think you're going?" he suavely asked.  
  
"Oh, to the store. We do need some food in this house after all. I'll be back later." She said patting him on the shoulder. He just stood there, dumbstruck and confused, not to mention incredibly aroused. And she just left him there like that, completely unsatisfied. He didn't understand. Then it hit him. Bitch, he thought playfully.  
  
She had done it on purpose. She wanted to leave him wanting more but not being able to get it. She had just left him there, alone and excited. More punishment, he thought, fantastic. He was pacing back and forth around the bedroom, laughing to himself. She is downright evil, he thought. Of course they would eventually be together soon. They were married after all. The question of when tormented him so that he was restless and drunk with sexual frustration.  
  
As Lily left her house she realized that it was exactly what she wanted to happen. She couldn't think of a more fit punishment for her dear husband, and as she began to walk down the street to the market, she couldn't stop giggling.  
  
(Yeah I know another long one, what can I say. Just so you know I have no idea what the hell I'm writing next so bare with me. :)Thanks to all who reviewed, I really appreciate it, and PLEASE review, thanks!) 


	11. The Promise

Disclaimer: I, unfortunately own absolutely nothing that I am about to write. Well that's not true, the plot is mine! All Mine!  
  
A/N: this is basically just a transitional chapter, not really much happening here.but it's long anyway because I can't seem to shorten anything, ever, so bear with me.  
  
~*~Lily was so elated as she was walking down the street that she almost forgot her purpose. Oh yes, she thought. She was supposed to be going shopping. She laughed to herself and paid absolutely no attention to the outside world. She almost began to skip when she saw the postman eye her suspiciously. She retained normal character but never once did she lose her amazing smile.  
  
She was feeling slightly overheated even though it was charmingly cool out. She had almost forgotten what it was like to be kissed like that, with so much force and passion. She missed being kissed like that and it had been so long since it had actually happened. It felt good. No, it felt amazing. She got a certain high off it that she couldn't explain. She had to stop herself from running back through the door and jumping into his arms. She really did want to be consumed by him. She wanted to give herself to the man she loved with full force, and feel the rapture that was his everlasting embrace.  
  
She was fantasizing for so long that she had no idea how long she had been walking. Had she turned? What street was this? When she realized that she was only four blocks away she remained calm and centered her mind on the direction of the market. She walked, almost skipped there with the energy of a small child.  
  
She was still wearing her muggle clothing so she remained inconspicuous. She walked in the market, her thoughts centered on what she should buy and what they needed. She passed down every aisle in a daze, floating as if she was on a cloud. She paid no attention to the voices around her or the mindless conversations of strangers. She simply caroused around, picking up items here and there and placing them in a basket. Then she came to the desert aisle. She wanted to pick up some ice cream for after dinner. Yes, she thought. James would like that. She searched for Chocolate Chunk but there seemed to be none left. She walked to the end of the aisle and wanted to check on the last shelf but someone was blocking her way. His back was to her.  
  
"Excuse me Sir, but would you mind stepping out of the way..."  
  
The man turned abruptly, almost startling her. He looked oddly familiar but she couldn't quite place him.  
  
"Well, well, well if it isn't the pretty little Gryffindor, have you lost your way again?" he casually remarked. Lily was still very unsure about where she had seen this man before, but his voice seemed to strike some familiarity within her mind.  
  
"I'm sorry, do I know you?" she suspiciously asked. He just grinned at her. It was an evil, sort of unfriendly grin, and one that seemed to think it knew more about certain things that were common. The grin, she thought, seemed to see right through her.  
  
"We met, briefly.." He started. "You were lost, and you found yourself in a little shop on the not so safe side of London. Have you forgotten already?" He began to circle her slightly, she felt uncomfortable. "The opal necklace...the one that fascinated you?"  
  
She suddenly remembered. This was the man from Borgin and Burkes. The one she didn't care to see again. She thought it odd that he had remembered her. It seemed so long ago that they had their brief encounter. She remembered feeling like a child next to him. His voice seemed to calm her and frighten her at the same time. These unsure feelings made her think twice before answering him.  
  
"Oh yes. Uh, how do you do?" This didn't feel right at all. She felt that these formalities were futile, and only seemed to amuse him.  
  
"Well I do fine Miss. And yourself? Have you come to terms with whatever was troubling you last time we met?"  
  
"I'm not quite sure what you mean. I was perfectly.." She began, confused that he sensed so much.  
  
"Now, now there is no reason for you to be dishonest with me, my dear. I could sense it. I can smell fear and heartache just as you can smell that jasmine scent you're wearing, or the sweet honey you have purchased in your quaint little basket. And I sense now that you are more confident, more sure of what you are about to do. You have successfully completed a long awaited task and you are proud of yourself. You are proud of your ability to resist temptation. An ability I happen to personally prize."  
  
"Well, how fortunate for you. I will have you know sir that you must dispose of your theories. I don't know where you think you have the right to judge me and patronize me but I won't have it.."  
  
"Hush. That smart mouth won't get you out of everything, you know." He warned. She became increasingly uncomfortable.  
  
"Works for me quite well, thank you." She said, trying to leave. He just walked slowly behind her.  
  
"It's rude to abruptly leave people you know." He said, and she stopped. Then she turned around again and looked him strait in the eyes.  
  
"Well then, what else can I do for you sir? This small talk isn't exactly proper you know." Again with the honesty, she thought. What the hell was the matter with her?  
  
"Do I frighten you?" he casually remarked, changing the subject.  
  
"No sir, you do not." She bluntly said.  
  
"Well, I'm glad. You know, there are not many people like you who would say such a thing. You must be very bold."  
  
"People like me?" she said, confused. "Whoever would be afraid of you sir would have to be mad. I don't know what you think of yourself but you are not exactly threatening, not to me." She stayed strong. He began to snicker.  
  
"You must be very sure of yourself my dear. I like that. Yes I suppose one would have to be mad to be afraid of an old bloke like me. I don't understand it really."  
  
"Alright then. Well it has been really lovely chatting with you but I really must be going now. Good day sir." She said, turning to leave once more. She tried to smile at him but she found that an impossibility. She hurried over to the register and paid for the few things she actually bought. She never did reach for that ice cream. She was so intent on getting out of there in a hurry and the whole time she felt eyes on her, watching her.  
  
She exited the market only to find that man standing outside, leaning against the brick wall of the establishment.  
  
"You know, you are not being very polite. Now I'm afraid you have no choice but to tell me your name." He suavely annunciated.  
  
All Lily wanted to do was get rid of him. That was all she wanted. It's just a name, she thought. It means nothing really and she hated herself in his presence so badly that she would say anything to make him leave.  
  
"Oh alright. If I give it to you will you leave me alone?" she nervously asked the stranger.  
  
"Of course my beauty. All I want is the name of the vision that has been brought to me not once, but twice this month."  
  
"Um, ok. My name is Lily, Lily Potter." His eyes seemed to widen in surprise at the mention of her name.  
  
"Lily Potter. That is a beautiful name. Yes, I have heard all about you, and your husband. James is it?" How did he know that? She thought. He was beginning to cross the line.  
  
"Now why would the beautiful Mrs. Potter be in such a rush to get home at this hour? It is not quite dinnertime is it?"  
  
"Well it is a little past four now.I should be getting back.."  
  
"Yes I suppose your husband will be waiting for you. He is quite the impatient boy really...suppose he'll be wanting a treat when you arrive."  
  
"Please stay out of my affairs sir. They are none of your business whatsoever." She spat.  
  
"I didn't mean to intrude my dear. I am just merely delighted to finally meet the woman I have heard so much about over the years. You are just as pretty as they say, you know."  
  
"Well thank you, I suppose. Who exactly have you been speaking to?" she was a bit curious as to who could have possibly told this stranger about her. She would definitely kill them later, she thought.  
  
"Oh just some friends of mine, and yours. One of them though, has not been round to see me lately, and I am worried. We will have to have a long chat about that."  
  
"Well sir as you can see that it is getting dark soon. It was interesting seeing you again but I really must be off." She walked over and shook his hand, much to his own amusement. He just snickered as she left.  
  
"Farewell Lily Potter. I do hope we chat again in the future. Goodnight." He called after her.  
  
She was so delighted to be rid of him but she couldn't escape the slight rumbling of her stomach. She wasn't sure if she was hungry or nervous. She was just relieved to be rid of him. Who was that strange man? She thought. She didn't like him, not at all. He made her uncomfortable. What was worse is that now he knew her name. What was odd was that she felt he always knew it, but was keeping it as his own little secret.  
  
She was on her own street at last and she was so relieved to see her door that she jogged to it.  
  
"Well we are in a hurry now aren't we?" she heard a voice say. It was that same man. She looked up to see him leaning against a lamppost. How the hell did he get here that fast? She thought. She rushed all the way home to purposely avoid him. She just stared in disbelief.  
  
"So this is where the Potters live? Charming little place really." She just nodded and rushed into her house. She made sure to lock the door behind her. She also pulled down the blinds. She was very jumpy and almost screamed when she felt a pair of large, strong hands on her shoulders.  
  
When she turned around she saw James and she gasped a sigh of relief. Confused by her behavior, he smirked and picked the packages off of the floor. She had apparently dropped them.  
  
"A little jumpy are we?" he jokingly asked. "Lily, are you alright?"  
  
"Yes. I'm fine." She said, peeking out the window. He was gone. Thank god, she thought. "Just a little paranoid." She said, dismissing her jitters. She strolled into the kitchen and put all of the groceries away. It only took her a minute. She hadn't bought much. He is still eyeing her with that hint of suspicion in his eyes. She paid no attention to him.  
  
"I'm just going to go upstairs to change, ok?" she said, not even looking at him. Without waiting for his answer she hurried up the stairs and ran into her bedroom. She didn't even bother to close the door. She just felt that she had to get out of those clothes, she was uncertain why.  
  
She grabbed a random shirt from her dresser and tossed it on the bed. Then she lifted up her turtleneck over her head and threw it, inside out, on the floor. She was so preoccupied that she didn't even hear footsteps climbing the stairs.  
  
She was standing in front of the mirror but not really looking at her reflection. Before she could reach for the shirt on the bed she heard a loud gasp. It startled her and she was taken back. She didn't have to turn around to realize that it was James. He had his hand over his mouth and his eyes were open wide. At first she was confused but then she noticed something.  
  
All she was wearing was her bra and when she briefly glanced back at the mirror she saw her injury. She had never told James about it, and it clearly upset him.  
  
She was speechless. All she could do was stare back at him until his hand left his mouth.  
  
"Come here!" he forcefully commanded. She just shook her head.  
  
"James really.."she started. He rushed over to her, anger evident on his face. She tried to cover it with her hands but he just pulled them away. He absentmindedly held them tightly while he just stared at her.  
  
He then saw that she was slightly afraid so he calmed himself down.  
  
"Oh my god." He said, shaking his head and staring at the floor.  
  
"Its really not that bad." she said, still trying to calm him down. He let go of her and began pacing back and forth.  
  
"How did it happen?" he cut her off. He was obviously freaking out and she was suddenly upset that she hadn't told him about it earlier. It was just that it never seemed to be the right time, and she hadn't even been there a full day.  
  
"Well..." she began  
  
"No, you know what, just hold on..just one second.." He said, rubbing his forehead. He breathed in and out a few times and then lifted his head. "Ok, I'm ok...When did it happen?" he said, in a calm, but equally nervous tone.  
  
Lily bit her lip. "Um..a couple of weeks ago." She flinched.  
  
"Weeks? Weeks!" he started pacing again. Shit, she thought. "How could you not have said anything? All this time.."  
  
"Well it's not like you were around or anything." She said, getting a little annoyed, as if it was her duty to tell him strait away. "What did you expect me to do, run strait home? I can take care of myself, thank you."  
  
"Has Diana seen this?" he asked, changing the subject. "Does she know?"  
  
"She was there when it happened." She said.  
  
"Oh really, well she could have told me. It's great to know that I have such honest and trustworthy friends. That makes me feel so great. What else don't I know Lily?" he said, frustrated. He was constantly finding out things lately and he hated not being informed.  
  
"Oh will you cut that out. I've never kept anything from you ever, and you know that. I just didn't feel it was right, that's all. There were other things that had to be discussed first. You are really making this into a bigger deal than it is."  
  
He sighed. "Well I don't think so Lil. I mean think about it. A husband walks in the room to find that his wife has a serious and unexplainable injury, for which she gives no information about, and then acts as if it's a mere paper cut. I mean, have you even gotten that thing looked at?" he said.  
  
"Well no." she reluctantly said. He just sighed again.  
  
"And why not?" he said, as if he couldn't believe she could have been so careless.  
  
"Because they would start asking questions..and they would have looked at you."  
  
"Don't even say that, you know I would never purposely.." he said, pointing to her.  
  
"I know." She stopped him. "But you know doctors, and it's not like I can tell them the truth."  
  
"I suppose you're right." That part made sense to him, but he was still curious. "Would you care to tell me the truth Lily? Would you mind letting your husband know what's going on?"  
  
"You were there." She said, grabbing the shirt and slowly putting it over her chest. James turned around and sat on the bed.  
  
"What do you mean? ..oh." he suddenly remembered. "It was that night, at Katrina's. Frank said so, why don't I remember it clearly? You went up to her, you tried to fight them off.."  
  
"That came afterwards." Lily began, growing sadder. "She was already dead." She was entering a frame of her mind where guilt and sadness reigned. It had happened so quickly. She had never actually properly grieved for her friend. She was always so busy.  
  
"Oh, I didn't know..."  
  
"Her husband was there..." she started, not listening to him. "He seemed so distraught." Tears were forming in her eyes. James got up and went to her, noticing the drastic change in her mood. It was clear to him that this had hit her hard. When he was next to her he put his hand on her shoulder. She brushed it off and walked in the other direction.  
  
"Lily." James began.  
  
"He didn't understand. That poor man...driven mad by his wife's death." She was really crying now. He followed her again, and put both hands on her shoulders.  
  
"It was a real tragedy." He whispered. "She of all people didn't deserve it."  
  
Lily shook her head in agreement. "There was a Death Eater who escaped." She said through her teeth. "I couldn't do her justice because of it."  
  
"Was he the one? The one who did this to you?"  
  
"Yes. But only after I injured him worse." She slightly smiled and turned around.  
  
"Now there's something. See, that's my girl." He said, smiling back at her. He was trying to cheer her up a bit.  
  
"I bet he's still limping." She said.  
  
"So you know it was a man?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, no woman could do that. I just know it wasn't a woman. Something about the way he walked.."  
  
"Well still." James said. "How did he do it, there was no spell?"  
  
"A sword. He was actually quite good at it. I became distracted and he struck me. Then Diana came in and tried to curse him but she missed. I was in too much pain to try. When we tried to gather ourselves he slipped passed us. It was my fault."  
  
"Don't say that, it couldn't have been helped. You had to think of your safety and your health. If he had tried again you could have died."  
  
"I suppose. But at least he would have been killed, or better yet, caught." She said, annoyed at herself for forgetting what was, to her, the most important objective.  
  
"Oh how could you say that? I don't like it when you talk like that." He said, sitting back on the bed.  
  
"You don't like when I talk about what?" she asked.  
  
"When you put them before you. You act as if that is the only thing you live for."  
  
"It's our job." She spat. "That's all we're supposed to care about. You heard Crouch." she began, getting slightly angry.  
  
"Yes I did, and he's an asshole. There are more important things in life then that."  
  
"Oh really. Like what? You?" she mockingly asked him. She knew, after all, that it was what he wanted her to say.  
  
"Well, your family, and yes, me I suppose." He said, matter-of-factly.  
  
"Well don't you think of yourself in high regard. You have now transformed yourself into a reason to live. That's amazing." She said, sarcastically.  
  
"So what you're saying is that if you were to die, you wouldn't care at all about my feelings?" he asked, astonished. He wasn't all together sure if she was joking with him.  
  
"Well I'd be dead, but you'd get over it. You're resilient." She said wistfully. "I would just be the first wife. Within a month of my passing you'd be remarried."  
  
James just stared at her. He was hurt and confused. "Are you serious?" he chuckled. "I can't believe you just said that. Come over here."  
  
"Now that is the second time you have ordered me about Mr. Potter. I really don't like it." She playfully exclaimed. In her own way she was play fighting with him, but deep down she really did think that, if for any reason, she should die, that he would get over her easily.  
  
"Well I refuse to get up and I don't want you all the way over there." He said and she nodded. She walked over to him and sat down next to him. She sighed and folded her arms. He reached over and pulled them apart. Then he hugged her.  
  
"What do I have to do to get it through to you? If anything ever happened to you Lily, well, I just don't know what I would do." She pushed herself away.  
  
"You don't have to embellish your words for me James. It's too much of a corny speech anyways." She let out a nervous laugh. "Listen I know you love me but.."  
  
"No, no buts. I'd never be the same if you were gone. You should have seen me lately. I was inconsolable and you were only across town for god's sake."  
  
"Let's not go there." She said.  
  
"Fine. Well what would you do, I mean, if I died?"  
  
"Well that all depends." She bluntly said.  
  
"Depends? Depends on what?" he asked, annoyed.  
  
"On the circumstances. There's how you died, and why, and whether or not you're going to leave me all alone to take care of a child. If that happened, there would always be a hint of resentment." He just stared at her and smiled. She was so precise, and logical. It amused him to think she had actually thought of this.  
  
"So you would resent me if we had a kid. More than you do now I expect? Well remind me never to have kids with you. I don't want a grudge against me when I die."  
  
"Sure. We'll just forget about it then. We can just go on being the selfish adults that we are, and die miserable and alone. Sounds like a plan." She said, getting up to go to the bathroom.  
  
"Hey, you'd miss me." He said after her.  
  
"Probably at first." she said. "But then I'd suck it up and find someone else more attractive then you are, and with neater hair." She smirked.  
  
"What are you talking about, no one is more attractive than me." He said. They were obviously joking with one another now. Things were certainly getting easier.  
  
"I don't know James, Sirius is looking pretty sexy lately. And since he and Diana are fighting I think I should be fine without you. After all, he and I always were very close."  
  
"Don't even fucking kid about that. Not to mention that he is like your brother and it is so disgusting that you just said that. And that was mean, dismissing Diana like that. I'll make sure to tell her your secret plan to steal her husband." He joked as he laid his head down on the pillow.  
  
"Fine, go ahead." she said, coming back. "You were never good for anything anyway."  
  
"I beg to differ." He amusingly stated.  
  
"I mean, above the waist, James." She said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.  
  
"I'm glad you acknowledge my strengths." He said, grinning.  
  
"Shut up. It's really not great enough to boast about." she said, picking up her discarded shirt, and throwing it back in her drawer. "I'm going downstairs. When you're done pleasuring yourself, you can come too."  
  
"Bitch." He said, without a thought.  
  
"Pervert." She said, with the same carelessness.  
  
"I love you." He said, without really meaning to. She sort of just looked at him, nodded, and said "Thanks," before jogging down the stairs.  
  
Lily was back in the kitchen only this time there was yet another letter in the fruit bowl. She sighed and walked over to it. This one was different, however, because this one was red, and it was from Barty Crouch Sr.  
  
"Shit." She said. "What the hell does he want?" She was pissed. Crouch only called when it was an emergency, or to remind them of a useless meeting. This envelope was red, which could only mean one thing.  
  
"James!" she yelled.  
  
"What?!" he answered, coming down the stairs. He joined her in the kitchen. She lifted up the envelope so he could see it.  
  
"Who's it from?" he asked.  
  
"Crouch, he sent us a howler. I guess he didn't think written words were nearly as threatening." She said.  
  
"Shit. Well I guess we had better open it now, it'll just be worse is we wait. Maybe it's important." He said.  
  
"You do it, I don't have the patience." She said. She was so sick of Crouch that even a mere letter changed her mood to annoyed all over again. She handed it to him. He looked at her and tore open the seal.  
  
"POTTERS!" They winced. "WHERE ARE YOU TWO? THIS LETTER WAS DELIVERED PRECISELY AT 4 PM AND I KNOW YOU WAITED TO OPEN IT! THERE IS AN ERGENT CALL FROM THE MINISTRY AND WE NEED YOU TWO TO GET YOUR SORRY ASSES DOWN HERE NOW! DETAILS WILL BE GIVEN THERE SO DON'T BE LATE!!!! THE MINISTRY NEEDS YOU NOW HURRY UP AND MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!"  
  
"Ugh." Lily said, rubbing her temples.  
  
"Alright we had better go. The Ministry needs us." James said, in a slightly mocking tone.  
  
"Do we have to?" Lily asked, irritated. "We still have a couple of days left of vacation."  
  
"Now, now, you can't be like that. You know what the world is like now. We have to go. Besides, everyone else will be there."  
  
"That, and if we don't go, Crouch will personally make his way up here and kill us both." Lily said as she went to the closet in the hallway. She grabbed her and James' robes and threw them at him.  
  
"Good point. Can we say, anger management." James said. She chuckled. Lily and James grabbed their wands and tucked them under their robes, which were tucked under their arms. They couldn't very well walk outside with wizard robes and wands in the middle of Muggle London.  
  
They simply looked at each other, smiled, and headed out the door into the darkness. They had no idea what was in store for them out there, which is why before they reached the bottom step, James stopped. A thought had just stuck him and he became slightly afraid. He looked at the sky to see quite a disturbing image, and his stomach began to turn. He had to get something out of the way before he continued.  
  
"What are you doing? Lets go." She said, a tad frustrated.  
  
"I just want you to promise me something." He said.  
  
"Ugh, fine, what?" she said.  
  
"If anything happens, I mean, anything at all, to me or you..promise me you'll forgive me when it's all over."  
  
"Forgive you? This is no time to be sentimental James, and if nothing happens."  
  
"Will you just say yes..please? I need to know I have that before I go in there risking my life." She looked at him strangely.  
  
"What makes you think something's going to happen?" she asked.  
  
"I don't really know. But I have a feeling this isn't an ordinary meeting." He said pointing at the sky. Through the pale twilight he could see a shade of green evident in the sunset, and it didn't look right. There was a sinister breeze in the air, and when Lily saw it she shivered. It perplexed then both to see such an unusual color in the sky, and as they stared it only seemed to expand.  
  
"Alright." Lily said. "I promise." She wasn't sure if she meant it or not, but it was all she could say to him then. She even forgotten what he had asked her, but she could tell he was nervous for some reason. It unnerved her to see him this way. But, he went down the remaining couple of steps and they walked side by side, growing nearer and nearer to the sylvan fog.  
  
(I'll leave you there considering I haven't written anything else yet. I have a strange feeling that something terrible is about to happen, I don't know where that one came from, hmmmm, I guess I should just follow it. Thanks for the reviews! I really do love them. They are a great motivation! Don't stop them! I am going to continue when I get 35, possibly 40 because I do have to go to school occasionally. But I will do my best : ) 


	12. Intoxications of the Sweet and Sour

Disclaimer: I don't anything from Harry Potter. All I own are my original characters and some of the plot. Please forgive me if this jumps around a bit. It was a very difficult chapter to write and I appreciate any suggestions. And again, it's a long one.  
  
Lily and James hurriedly walked, side by side in the direction of the Ministry of Magic office in London. It was only a couple of blocks away. The sky was getting bleaker and as the sunlight faded, the shapes of the images became clear. They knew what they were immediately. Lily's heart raced as James hurried to keep up. They were horribly late and they knew it. Their previous banter seemed meaningless, for the night brought out their worst fears, and terrible anticipation.  
  
The Ministry was in Muggle London, but on a convenient side street. It was rare that any Muggles passed by, and they would certainly question the reason why there were so many people, many of them with wands and mysterious robes. No one took this into account and even if Muggles did pass by, no one would have cared. There were bigger problems at that moment.  
  
No one had bothered to go underground, which is where its true location was. The red telephone booth was swarming with people, leaving and entering, but the majority were outside, wondering, and waiting.  
  
As they drew nearer they could see Diana and Sirius already there. They were panting, presumably because they had been running as well. Next to them were a very nervous Alice Ferguson and Frank Longbottom. Alice kept looking up at the sky and cringing at what she saw. Alastor Moody was there as well. He was the first to see James and Lily approaching and pointed them out to a flustered Bartimius Crouch. He nodded when he saw them. No screaming, no scolding, just a simple nod. It was not common behavior for him, so they assumed something must be terribly wrong, and the evidence was burned into the sky like a hot poker on fair skin.  
  
As Lily and James went up to Crouch for instructions they were slightly alarmed at the amount of people outside. It wasn't just Aurors. The entire Department of Magical Law Enforcement was there, along with the Mistress of Magic, Millicent Bagnold. There were Hit Wizards and random Ministry officials. The Department of Magical Catastrophes was also there. They only dealt with major crimes and disasters. They were not usually affiliated with Aurors unless Dark Magic was involved, which it clearly was.  
  
"What happened?" cried Lily as Diana ran up to her. They quickly embraced and Diana just shook her head. Then she looked up, the evil photographs casting a peculiar light over their beloved city.  
  
"The Dark Mark." Crouch said simply. There was nervousness in his voice and Lily actually sympathized for him. He obviously had a lot riding on his shoulders.  
  
"But not just one." Moody joined. James looked up and actually counted. From this angle and spot in London the whole city seemed like it could be seen.  
  
"There's so many." James began. "And they stretch too far to even count them. They must reach Wales from the looks of it."  
  
"But where are they?" Sirius chimed in, looking up. "It's like he decorated with them. Are they even over anything?"  
  
"I don't understand, when did this start?" Lily asked Crouch. "I was out not even an hour ago and I didn't see anything."  
  
Crouch just shook his head, speechless.  
  
"We don't know Lily." Moody said. "But people are dead, we know that for sure." Just then they heard ambulances, it was hard to tell how many, all at once driving from street to street. People started peering out their windows to see what all the commotion was about. When they saw the sky people gasped, some screamed. Windows were shut and blinds drawn. There was no point in hiding it now.  
  
"Oh my God." They heard Alice cry. She ran to Lily and hugged her. "I can't do this!" she whimpered. "It's too much, I can't, and I'm scared!" she was breathing hard.  
  
"Shh." Lily said, trying to calm her down. She looked to Frank to see he was nervous and kept scratching his head. "Yes you can."  
  
"But I don't even know the wand defenses yet!" Alice screamed.  
  
"Quiet! Do you want to start more of a panic then there already is?" Lily whispered, loudly. Alice breathed and calmed down. "Yes you do, you just haven't practiced them yet but I know you can do them. You are brave, Alice, we can do it. But you HAVE to get it together." Lily spoke, slowly. It was hard to be supportive without being stern. Lily cared for Alice but she was going to be damned if she was going to let her disrupt their mission.  
  
Alice sniffled. "Focus is the key." She said, smiling at Lily. She had always said that during training. Lily winked back.  
  
"That's right. Now go back to Frank. If we have to fight, better he next to you than me."  
  
Alice nodded and turned to her fiancée. She was calmer after talking to Lily. She always trusted her. Then Lily was jolted by the sound of a forceful yell.  
  
"Tell us what you want us to do Crouch!" Sirius forcefully said as their so- called leader just sat down and put his head in his hands. He had cracked under the pressure. This unanticipated act was more then he could bear. Patrolling and battles he could handle, but this. For the first time Barty Crouch wasn't as confident as he seemed. Moody sighed.  
  
"Calm down Black, calm down. Alright." He sighed. "I guess I'll have to take the lead here."  
  
Everyone's ears perked up as Moody said this. He was shaking his head at the cowardly Crouch. Moody was by far the most experienced out of all of them. He had been around since the very beginning, watching, waiting for something this catastrophic to happen.  
  
"Now my friends, here is what we must do." He whispered to all of them. Lily, James, Sirius, Diana, Frank and Alice listened intently. "We'll split up, that way we cover more ground. Go in the direction of the Muggle ambulances; they are clearly going to areas that have been hit. He's not just going after Wizards now, so you must pay very close attention. Trust no one, and keep your eyes open for any sudden movements in dark areas.." He paused and motioned for them to move a little farther from Crouch, who wasn't listening anyway. They followed him, no one speaking a word or asking questions.  
  
"Have you all brought your cloaks?" he whispered so only they heard. James and Lily forgot and the thought hit them hard. They cursed under their breaths, but didn't blame each other.  
  
"We're so sorry. I can't believe we forgot them." James said, incredibly upset at his lack of prevision.  
  
"It's alright James. What about the rest of you?" he asked. They all nodded and pointed under their arms. Moody nodded in acceptance. "Very well. They will prove exceedingly important in this mission. Capture whomever you can, kill if you have to. No games, just business. As of right now, none of you have feelings. You are not people, you are Aurors, understand?" he asked, looking at each one of them for their answers.  
  
They all nodded nervously, but ready to fight. "Constant vigilance, my friends. I will do what I can here, and try to make Crouch come to his senses. He's worried about that son of his." He explained. He seemed to see right through people, and learn their deepest thoughts. "Dumbledore will be coming, and I am surprised that he isn't here yet." He looked around. "No matter, now go, all of you, and earn some points for our side, Merlin knows we need them." He exclaimed, gravely.  
  
"Alastor?" Diana asked. "What about the people?" she asked, looking at the windows of the street and down the block.  
  
"Don't worry Diana. Arnold Peasegood is here, and he will obliviate whomever he has too, Wizards and Muggles alike. He has apprentices helping him. That is not our focus. You can all go with your respective spouses and significant others if you wish. You can decide where each of you will start, meet up, whatever. I have complete faith in you all, and I trust you." He said, pointing at each one of them. "And I don't trust a lot of people. Do us some justice, I am afraid the Muggle world as well as the Wizarding world is in danger now. Bagnold has informed the Prime Minister, and she is currently working on a story that will, hopefully sound believable. Now, I'm, rambling now go, and be careful." He warned. All of them stood there, ready for action. Their hearts were beating fast and they turned around to decide where they should split up.  
  
"Ok." James said, turning to his wife. "Here's what we'll do. Lily, you and I can start at the north. We had better tackle this from the outside and work our way in. Sirius, Diana, you two can go south, and Frank and Alice, um, east."  
  
"We don't have enough." Lily sighed. "There is only six, that is nowhere near enough."  
  
James ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Singles then. We'll all have to be separate." He reluctantly said. They all realized it was the only way.  
  
"Every man for himself?" Sirius said. "But what if something happens? We have to stick together."  
  
"I'm afraid we don't have that option right now Padfoot. I'm sorry but it is the only way."  
  
"Hold on. I can't be by myself." Alice cried.  
  
"Alice, we don't have a-"  
  
"No, she's right." Lily clarified. "She can't do it all by herself, not yet."  
  
"Fine, go with Frank." James said.  
  
"Um, can I go with you Lily?" she meekly asked. "I.. well, I would just be more comfortable with you around that's all."  
  
Lily smiled at Alice warmly. "Sure honey. Frank?"  
  
"You're the trainer. I'm just going to be her husband." He casually replied. They both smirked at him.  
  
"Ok." Lily sighed as she thought about what she was going to do. "We'll stay here."  
  
"Fine." James replied. Then they each went in the opposite directions, not speaking because they were very intent on what was to be done at that moment. When they got to the corners, making sure not to be seen, they apparated to their respective locations. Diana landed by the north entrance, while Sirius went to the south. James and Frank went east and west, respectively, while Lily and Alice started from the heart of London, scooping out anything they could.  
  
They walked slowly, for the street lights were out now. Alice hooked her arm with Lily's as she walked. Lily didn't seem to mind. After a few minutes their eyes were accustomed to the darkness and Lily silently ordered Alice to take out the cloak. They wrapped it around themselves and found, surprisingly that it could hold more than one person at a time. It must have been a certain expanding method that Dumbledore neglected to tell them.  
  
Their footsteps were loud crackling noises on the pavement. There was no wind, no rustling, only silence, deafening silence. Alice began to shake and breath heavier. Lily saw no point in trying to silence her now. The streetlights were out, and no one was around, no animals, no cats, nothing. Lily stopped.  
  
"What?" Alice whispered.  
  
Lily covered her mouth with her index finger. "Silencio." She whispered, and Alice understood.  
  
After about fifteen minutes they were getting tired and restless. Alice's arms hurt from holding up the cloak, but it was necessary even in the pitch- black night. Then suddenly they were jolted by the sound of an ambulance coming their way. They were in the middle of the street so they quickly jumped onto the sidewalk. Even Lily had to admit that it took her by surprise.  
  
Then she motioned to Alice and indicated that they should follow it. She was reluctant but Lily glared at her and she sheepishly came anyway. The ambulance stopped around the corner, conveniently, and Lily and Alice swiftly walked toward it. By the time they reached it, its lights were off and it was suddenly desolate again. Lily was puzzled but she wasn't fooled.  
  
"Are you sure this wasn't here before, but it was dark and we couldn't see it? Are you sure it even stopped at all?" Alice whispered, even though no one would be able to hear them anyway.  
  
"I'm not sure." Lily said, questioning herself. She sighed and looked around once more. "Ugh, where is everyone?" she whined. She felt odd, and she knew something was not right.  
  
Then they noticed another ambulance parked on the other side of the street. It too was silent and stationary. Lily removed herself from under the cloak. It limited mobility for her and she felt more comfortable out in the London air.  
  
"Lily!" Alice whispered, and motioned her back under. Lily, however, couldn't see it, but she heard her quite well. The silencing charm was removed.  
  
"Quiet Alice." She ordered. Lily noticed something on the street. Well it was more than something. It was a door, the only one on the street that was boarded up. She surveyed it briefly, and raised an eyebrow at it, questioning its significance. After brief contemplation she dismissed the feeling and turned to her friend.  
  
"I don't like this." Alice spoke. They walked towards the middle. This was a dead end on a side street. There was an alleyway in the direction they were walking, and they stopped dead in the middle. Suddenly another ambulance turned on that street. It stopped about twenty feet in front of them and it too, turned its lights off.  
  
"Oh no." Lily said, her voice cracking. A thought had suddenly hit her. This was no coincidence.  
  
"What? What?" said an impatient and frightened Alice.  
  
"It's a trap." She said and Alice rushed to her side, although stopping behind her.  
  
Just then the lights of the white vehicles lit up, each one brighter than the other. Lily shielded her eyes from its glare while grasping her wand as tightly as ever. She could hear commotion but was blinded by the fluorescence. There was sniggering and some laughter and Lily shook her head at her own misjudgment. How could I have been so thoughtless? She thought, scolding herself.  
  
"Nox!" she yelled and the lights went off immediately. It was obviously magic that kept them on in the first place.  
  
She and Alice gasped in unison at the sight that met them. There must have been fifty of them, all dressed in black, hissing and lurking amongst the shadows. Their wands were out and ready, and they were all pointed at her....  
  
~*~(Diana's Post-Northern London)  
  
Diana was so bored after about ten minutes that she actually started to hum. When she caught herself she stopped. She sighed and searched desperately for something to do, something to find. It was dark, but her eyes adjusted rather quickly. She had her invisibility cloaked tucked under her arm. She didn't see the point in wearing it just yet, for the city seemed completely deserted. Follow the ambulances, she thought. I don't see any bloody ambulances. Her mind came to her senses when she heard a tree branch crack. She wasn't sure which direction it was coming from, or whether it was coming from above her or on the ground.  
  
She walked toward it, her wand in front of her; ready to attack when she saw a pair of yellow eyes stare at her through the darkness. She jumped back at first until she saw that it was only a little cat. She sighed out of immense relief and put her hand over her heart. Then she shook her head and walked over to it.  
  
"What are you doing out here little one?" she asked it, sweetly. She had always loved cats. She had grown up with about four.  
  
The cat eyed her suspiciously, but seemed to calm down at the sight of her robes. This cat must belong to a wizard, she thought, reading its expressions carefully. She gently caressed its ears and picked it up from the ground.  
  
"Would you like to walk with me?" she whispered to it. Right away she sensed the cat was a bit odd. It didn't behave like a normal cat would. Usually you have to earn a cat's trust before they let a human handle them, and this cat came quite willingly into her arms. Then she looked down to see a branch. That must have been what cracked before, she thought. But where could it have fallen from?  
  
The she heard a scream. It was a bloodcurdling, piercing scream that jolted her out of the slightest calmness. It was followed by a cackling laughter that Diana had recognized immediately. She dropped the cat accidentally and it let out an annoyed whine. She searched the sky frantically for an open window, a door, and then she saw one. The very building she was standing in front of seemed to be producing the shrill cries of what sounded like a woman, or worse, a child. A light went on, surprisingly, on the sixth floor and she took no time trying to pry open the entrance to the lobby.  
  
The cat didn't seem to like this at all. It jumped on her robes and tried to pull her away. She found this incredibly frustrating and she tried to pry it off her.  
  
"Get off!" she yelled, but the cat seemed determined to keep her from whatever was inside that building. After giving up she decided to let it stay there. She couldn't be too late, not again.  
  
"Alohomora!" she yelled and the door opened easily. The cat dropped off her robes and hissed loudly at her. She turned to look back at it with a puzzled look on her face. She always could read animals, and tell what they were feeling. This cat clearly did not want her going up there, and before she turned her head gave her a pleading look as if to say it wasn't a good idea.  
  
It was dark and she couldn't see where the stairs were and she wouldn't waste any time taking the elevator.  
  
"Lumos" she muttered, searching frantically for the stairs. When she found them she darted for them and ran as quickly as she could up those six, tedious flights. When she reached the top she was shocked once again to see that same cat there. In the light she could make out its appearance more. It was a ginger cat, her favorite, and it had a squashed flat face and a bottle brush tail. After simply blinking it turned and darted to the end of the first hall.  
  
Since she didn't quite make out what room the scream came from, she followed this mysterious cat down the hallway. She couldn't quite fathom why. There was commotion inside that room and she was about to open the door when the cat growled and seemed to shake its head. She ignored it and frowned. Then, since the door was strangely unlocked, she opened it quickly, wand at the ready.  
  
"What!?" she shouted out loud. There was nothing in there. No people, not even a dead body. Where the hell was that noise coming from then? She thought. The light in this room was on.  
  
Then she heard the door creak, then slam shut. She gasped but didn't loose face for a moment.  
  
She turned around to see five masked figures walking slowly toward her. She backed away, not afraid, then fell backwards to find five more behind her. They had dissaparated to get her inside, and when she was, they apparated back to the room.  
  
"Shit." She muttered when she saw them circle her. Then one of them grabbed her by the arm and her hood fell off. Some of them gasped at what they saw and muttered to each other. Without realizing the one that held her released her and backed away a few feet.  
  
"Can't you see, you fools." Came a voice from the back of the mob. "She is one of us." He said, casually walking over to her. He grabbed her left arm and she winced. His grip was tight. He forcefully pulled up her sleeve but to his amazement, as well as everyone else's, nothing was there. He looked incredibly disappointed and let go. She grabbed it in pain.  
  
"How disappointing you are, Arabella." He said shaking his head.  
  
"Lestrange." Was all she could muster. She had such malice for this group that she had to force herself to speak.  
  
"Where is it?!" he yelled.  
  
"Gone!" she shot back.  
  
"That is not possible." He said." And you know it. Morsmordre Revelus!" he screamed, grabbing her arm once more. She screamed out of pain, a burning sensation permeating through her entire body. She fell to the ground.  
  
He let go, completely satisfied. She clutched her arm to her chest, afraid to look.  
  
"Now, now, now, was that really necessary Rodolphus?" came the voice of a woman, who was presumably next to him.  
  
"Quiet Bella, and what have I said about our names-" he began, playfully scolding her.  
  
"Hush." She said, walking over to Diana. She helped her up and Diana leaned on her for support. When she was strait Bellatrix took off her hood to reveal a raven beauty with black, penetrating eyes. "Can't you see she's lost her way? Oh Arabella, how you have shamed us." She said, putting a hand on her cheek. Diana hated this woman, and knew it was her laughter that jolted her so.  
  
"Hello Bella." Diana whispered.  
  
"You know, we were quite worried, weren't we Rololphus?" she said, condescendingly. He simply chuckled and nodded.  
  
"Kept us up at night." He said sarcastically.  
  
"Our little kitten had to betray us and she didn't even say goodbye. That was very rude indeed, Ara, very rude. Where did your manners go anyway? I would have thought my dear cousin had at least taught you something."  
  
Diana got up and looked Bellatrix squarely in the eye. "Well..the Blacks aren't really one to judge on manners now are they? You would know, wouldn't you Bella, being one yourself. The likes of you have poisoned the blood of this family. You are a discredit to your name. You don't deserve one letter of it."  
  
"Now you shut up you little half-blooded wench. You poisoned my family with your dirty Muggle father's blood. And you could have done so much better. It is your husband, my dear cousin, who is the discredit and you know it. Fools, the both of you, to tamper in what you know not. Since you happen to be technically my cousin, dear, I will not kill you now, not that it would matter if I did." She said, casually.  
  
"You think so?" Diana said, hotly. "then I guess that makes you a coward, now doesn't it Bella? Honestly, I am surprised at you." Diana said, folding her arms in mock annoyance.  
  
Bellatrix glared at her. "I want to play with you my dear." She said, with sinister sweetness. "Yes, I think you and I could have tons of fun. And I could teach you a thing or two, about how traders are punished.." Diana noticed her neglecting her wand, as she began to clap childishly at the thought of torturing Diana.  
  
"... and those who pollute the blood of the most noble and ancient of families."  
  
Diana took this opportunity to strike. She was not, under any circumstances going to put up with this, it was over and done with.  
  
"Crucio." She said, her wand pointed at Bellatrix's stomach. She writhed in pain and fell to the ground in a burning seizure.  
  
"How dare you!" Lestrange began when he too was hit with that same curse. The eight remaining backed against the wall, her wand circling each and every one of them.  
  
"Move once, and I will curse you so hard you'll be begging me to kill you!" she shouted. Then she released the two Death Eaters from her curse and knelt down next to them.  
  
"That was a warning, Bella." She spoke softly, but as she tired to get up Rodolphus reached for her wand and grabbed it, disabling her. He helped up Bellatrix, his wife, and pointed her wand right back to her.  
  
"Insolent girl." He whispered, still shaking off the pain. "Imperio."  
  
A feeling hit Diana which she couldn't describe. It was a tingling sensation in which she felt saturated by numbness, unable to control her movements. Even her thoughts had been sequestered, and were hers no longer.  
  
"From a Bella to a Bella..." Bellatrix started. "We have much to say love, much to say...."  
  
She couldn't speak, and Bellatrix's words faded. She was dormant. All she could see were shapeless figures, unclear and rapidly mobile. The black cloaks swarmed around her, creating a hellish blanket of iniquity. And then, darkness...  
  
~*~*~*~(James' Post- Eastern London)  
  
James was walking cautiously on a main street with, surprisingly, no cars. There were a few streetlights on but they were merely flickering. He had no cloak with him so he had to be extra careful, in case he ran into anything suspicious. The sky was still illuminated with the Dark Mark, and he tried to see if it was over a particular location, anywhere. But, they only seemed to be there for sport, or as a threat. This could only be the beginning, he thought.  
  
He wasn't sure how far he walked. The minutes seemed to be getting longer, morphing into hours, or at least feeling like hours. He didn't know how much time had passed. He strolled as if he were patrolling, a task that became increasingly uneventful.  
  
It was then that he became aware that pair of eyes was upon him. He felt it in the pit of his stomach. He turned a corner slowly, sticking one hand in his pocket. Then out of nowhere came a large beast, barking furiously at him. He was so taken aback that he fell onto the ground. The beast then, with his great black eyes pounced on him, pinning him to the ground. At first James was ready to strike the animal until he saw what it was in the light.  
  
When the animal caught a clear glimpse of James it quickly calmed down. It seemed to huff at him out of disappointment. The animal was a dog. A large, black dog. James let out a sigh of relief. "Padfoot, get off!" he yelled. Then in the shadows the animal transformed into a very annoyed Sirius Black.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here? You scared me half to death!" Sirius yelled.  
  
"Me? You're not at your post." He said, pointing at him.  
  
"What are you talking about? You said 'go to the south,' and I did." Sirius said, matter-of-factly.  
  
"This is the east." James said, although he wasn't quite sure to be honest.  
  
"No, look at the street. It says, Harbourough Ave, South." Sirius said, annunciating every word and pointing at it with his wand. "You fucked it up."  
  
"What?" James couldn't believe himself. "How could I have done that?"  
  
"I don't know but we have a problem if you can't apparate properly." He said, in all seriousness.  
  
"Yea." Said James thinking. "But we don't have time for this. There is nothing here. We have to find Lily and Alice. They're in the center. We have more power together anyways, so we might as well go."  
  
"You're right we're wasting time here. Should we go find Frank?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Soon. Let's see how the girls are doing first. They might need help, what with the rookie and everything." James said.  
  
Sirius nodded and together they apparated about three blocks away from Lily and Alice. They were on the Ministry block, and it was shockingly empty. They both raised an eyebrow and darted to the supposed location of the girls. They were running for less than a minute when they heard Lily's voice. It was slightly muffled because there seemed to be an alarming number of people surrounding her. Sirius had to stop James from running to her. They would both be killed instantly.  
  
"You go get Frank." Sirius ordered his flabbergasted friend. "I'll stay here. Don't do anything you'll regret."  
  
"But-"  
  
"GO!" he whispered. Despite his silent protests, James apparated out of site to retrieve Frank Longbottom, who was at his post in Western London.  
  
James searched frantically for Frank, and rather impatiently. He wanted to get back there, to Lily. He was worried. She was in trouble, and he had to go and do this stupid errand.  
  
"Frank!" he started calling, not trying in the least to hide himself. There is no answer so he walked a little father down the street, his heart racing uncontrollably. "Frank!"  
  
"James?" he heard and turned to the direction of the sound. He rushed over to Frank, who seemed to be busy at that moment. "What the bloody hell are you doing-"  
  
"We have to go, now!" James ordered like an impatient child. Frank eyed him confused and was a bit taken back.  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"The girls, they're in trouble we have to go!" James speedily spoke. He was losing his breath with worry. Frank took this news rather hard. He was worried about Alice from the start, and now she was in trouble and he was wasting time. He cursed himself for ever leaving her, when James snapped him out of it.  
  
"What is that?" James asked when he noticed something, more like someone on the floor of the abandon street.  
  
"Well I meant to tell you but-" he began, retaining his position.  
  
"It's one of them." James said, stating the obvious.  
  
"I know." Frank replied.  
  
"Dead?" he asked. Frank nodded. "Great. Well we can't just leave the piece of shit here. Pick him up." He said, rubbing his temples. He felt this was wasting time.  
  
"No, we have to leave him here, we don't have time." Frank said rationally. "They could be dead by now." Frank said, gravely.  
  
"Oh god, don't say that, don't you ever say that!" he spoke, forcefully. "Fine, he stays. Hang on, take his robes." James had an idea.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just do it!" James was getting more and more restless as the precious seconds passed. Frank became angry but didn't show it. He kept reminding himself he wasn't a person, and if he wasn't a person, he couldn't drop kick James in the chest. He quickly took of the robes of the anonymous Death Eater and threw them at James.  
  
"Ok, apparate to The Ministry." James ordered before disappearing. Frank followed but when he got to the ministry no one was there, so he followed the voices, like James and Sirius had done. He spotted Sirius, who was crouched behind a wall, listening intently.  
  
"What's going on?" he asked, curious. "Where's Alice?"  
  
"Shh. I don't know." He said, shaking his head with worry.  
  
"What's Lily doing?"  
  
"She's, uh, trying to...reason with them?" Sirius wasn't quite sure; her voice was muffled by sniggers. After a few moments another voice rose above the crowd, silencing the rest. He casually walked forward, until he was face to face with her. It was none other than Rodolphus Lestrange. He seemed to be the leader of the inner circle.  
  
"Where are they?!" he yelled, pointing his wand at her. She said nothing, she only remained still. She was taught never to negotiate with Death Eaters. She kept thinking of her parents, even though they had been dead for five years. He slapped her because of her lack of cooperation.  
  
She flinched, but remained silent. "I said, where are the rest of them you cunt?!"  
  
"I don't know!" she yelled back. He was clearly asking her to turn on her friends, something that she would never do, even if her life depended on it.  
  
"You lie!" he accused, and punched her in the stomach. She fell to the ground. She was in pain, but refused to cry, or even show it.  
  
"Stupid girl! Your bravery means nothing to me. I'll kill you if I have to." He said, and pointed his wand once more.  
  
"So do it." she whispered. He didn't quite hear her.  
  
"What was that?" he asked, and forcefully pulled her up by her hair. "I didn't quite hear you."  
  
"Kill me! It won't solve anything! You won't be any closer than you are right now. This is pointless." She spat.  
  
"Pointless?" he laughed. "Pointless! Brazen whore, your death would be a triumph. You have put so many of us behind bars. It would be a treat watching you die. But I think a little persuasion is in order." With that he snapped his fingers, and two Death Eaters went to the ambulance. She watched them go inside, and pull out a body. They carried in to them and dropped it in the ground in front of her. She gasped.  
  
"Oh don't be alarmed, she isn't dead, oh no. On your feet!" he yelled, pointing his wand at what seemed to be the unconscious body of Diana. She got up slowly, her eyes opened but a little, and her face was unrecognizably bruised. When she was fully on her feet Lily could hear her whimpering.  
  
Lily tried to touch her but she was smacked away. Sirius was watching, breathing hard and trying to restrain himself. He was helpless.  
  
"No." Lily said under her breath.  
  
"Yes we found her. She is quite the little snoop." He said, stroking Diana's cheek. "But she has proved useful in other ways, isn't that right my dear?"  
  
"We had a little chat." Bellatrix chimed in. "a little girl talk seemed to do her well, rightAra?"  
  
Diana nodded against her will as she was trying to fight back tears.  
  
"You know, it's funny. One can learn so much from such a simple curse. Our Arabella here seemed quite the chatterbox once she was properly persuaded. I suppose she has realized where her loyalties lie." He said, smiling.  
  
"You bastard!" Lily screamed, but restrained herself from lunging at him. I am not a person, I am an Auror, she had to remind herself.  
  
"My, my aren't we a bit touchy. Now tell the lovely woman Arabella, what you have done." He said, as if he were speaking to a child.  
  
No, Diana thought. Fight it, fight it. You have to. You are strong, they don't control you, think, Diana, think, harder. I will not, I will not, no, no...  
  
"No!" she shouted, thus removing the curse. She was more powerful than even she could have imagined. An echo of murmurs permeated the street, as the Death Eaters lowered their wands, one by one.  
  
"What?" he asked, dumbfounded by her abilities. She straitened herself and took her place next to Lily.  
  
"I said no, Crucio!" she yelled. Everyone jumped back. Lily just stared at her, and Sirius began to sweat.  
  
"Foolish brat!" Bellatrix yelled. "Crucio!" This time it hit Lily, who screamed and fell to the floor.  
  
"No Bellatrix, not this time!" Diana fumed. She stepped backward a few steps and tripped over something. It was Alice, who was crouched on the ground. She had fainted.  
  
Bellatrix laughed. "Well, well, what have we here?" she asked, ripping the invisibility cloak off of Alice. "I think I'll keep this, for now." She sniggered. Then she pulled Alice to her feet. She jolted and was shaking feverishly. "What a lovely little present." She said, admiring it.  
  
"Frightened my dear?" Bellatrix asked. "You should be." Alice couldn't stop her tears as she watched her friend Lily gyrating on the concrete in obvious and unexplainable pain.  
  
Bellatrix grabbed Alice and pointed her wand at her. Then she looked at Diana.  
  
"Release him!" she yelled.  
  
"No." Diana said plainly.  
  
"Very well. Avada-"  
  
"Wait!" Diana quickly said. She cursed herself. Then she reluctantly released Lestrange from Imperious. Bellatrix threw Alice at Diana when her husband was freed. She fell into her arms, sobbing.  
  
"Now her!" Diana ordered, and Lily was released as well. She was still shaking as she got up.  
  
"Is this really necessary Arabella?" Bellatrix asked, calmly. "Just hand them over and we will leave you alone."  
  
"Like hell you will!" she spat, and spit in her face. Bellatrix gasped. She was incredibly insulted.  
  
"How dare you!" she screamed, as she inched closer to Diana's face. "Do you really think all of this self righteousness is going to free you? Did you think that just because you stopped coming around that you were suddenly off the hook? Well let me tell you, you little half-blooded whore, there are some marks that don't wash off, no matter how hard you scrub." She whispered, scratching her long nails into Diana's skin, making it bleed.  
  
Diana just shut her eyes, trying to block out her words. Bellatrix uttered and amused but disturbing laugh.  
  
Lily became infuriated when she heard this. Weak or not she was not going to let that slide. She slowly reached for Diana's wand and held it firmly in her opposite hand.  
  
"Avada Kedavra." She whispered, incredibly soft.  
  
"Excuse me?" Rodolphus asked. Lily straitened up.  
  
"Avada Kedavra." She said, and with her wand and Diana's the curse hit two Death Eaters at the front of the line. They dropped to the ground, instantly lifeless.  
  
With that Rodolphus lunged at her, knocking Diana and Alice to the ground. Lily tried to fight back, but he was a strong one.  
  
"Petrificus Totalus!" Bellatrix yelled, making it impossible for them to help her.  
  
This was the last straw for Sirius and Frank. Suddenly Bellatrix felt a sharp pain in her leg and when she looked she saw a black dog biting her. She tried to hake it off but it wouldn't budge.  
  
She was shocked when she saw a man in its place. She had not seen it transform. "Well, dear cousin." She said, through her teeth. "I should have known. Coming to rescue her yet again?" she said, while clutching her leg on the ground. "Traitor." She whispered.  
  
"And honored to be one." He replied with animosity. She glared at him with utter revulsion.  
  
"Crucio!" they heard and turned to see Frank cursing as many unsuspecting Death Eaters he possibly could from the back. He knocked down at least five before Lestrange averted his concentration from Lily. He had only knocked her down and she had jolted right back up, ready to battle as best she could.  
  
"Incendio!" was the next sound they heard, this time from the very center. The Lestranges were shocked to figure out which of their side would say such a thing. The whole middle erupted in flames, killing two Death Eaters instantly. It was James. He put on the robes to get a closer look.  
  
Chaos was manifesting. Death Eaters running around spouting curses at whomever they could, for it was difficult to distinguish who was on their side and who wasn't. James ran to the front to fight at Lily's side, the fire still blazing. Sirius released Alice and Diana from their curse and helped them up. Diana was ready, and at this point Alice was too. Some instinct inside her had triggered, and she had a thirst to put an end to all this.  
  
Some Death Eaters had Muggle weapons such as knives, and used them however they could. Diana was fighting one in particular for a good ten minutes, and using up her strength rather quickly. She tried to focus, but the images became blurry, and she felt feverish and hot. Her forearm was struck more than once, and she tried to use her remaining good hand to finish the job.  
  
Sirius went quickly from one Death Eater to another. He transformed from man to dog more than once to distract them. They couldn't tell there was a difference. It worked. He had killed two already and four others were stupefied and frozen on the floor.  
  
James and Lily fought next to each other, fighting the Muggle way. They kicked and punched what they could, and when they got tired they cursed them. Sweaty and bloody they meandered through the black crowd, taking five at once, and catching most of them.  
  
Spells were yelled out at anyone who would come near Alice. Sometimes she forgot the curses and yelled out things from her school years. She screamed anything, from Accio to Rictusempra. When she realized her stupidity she concentrated on the simple, but deadly three: Imperio, Crucio, and Avada Kedavra. She mastered them rather quickly, and with remarkable diligence.  
  
Diana, Sirius, Lily and James, and Frank and Alice had kept in mind what they were sent out to do. They killed who they must, captured who they could, and disabled everyone else. This lasted for a good half hour. They were not people, they were Aurors, and damn good ones at that.  
  
Rodolphus and Bellatrix were amongst them, infuriated at their failure to bring at least one of them down. Their goal, as discussed with their master, was to capture every Auror out there, and to bring them to him, alive or dead. They had failed, quite horribly. In the midst of the chaos they decided to desert, and deal with their fate on another occasion. No one noticed their departure, except Sirius.  
  
"See you soon cousin." She said, winking. "Take care of that disloyal wife of yours, I suppose you all have to stick together in the end. Tell her I had fun playing with her tonight, although she wasn't very respectful-"  
  
"I'll kill you!" Sirius screamed, lunging at her.  
  
"Oh no, darling." She said, hysterically. "You should be thanking me. She's alive because I let her live. If anyone is going to do the killing around here, it'll be me." She whispered, and vanished from site with her husband.  
  
There were about twenty left at that moment, but none of them stopped for anything. They were ruthless, fearless, and wanted so much not to disappoint their master. Diana was bruised and battered as she continued to fight, until her dizziness became increasingly worse. Before she knew it, her world began to spin and she was struck hard by a metal object to her head. She dropped to the ground.  
  
Lily was covered in her own blood as well as the blood of some Death Eaters. She didn't know how many she had killed, or how many were still under her curses. None of that mattered now. Her cheeks were slit and the wound on her shoulder became more bruised and started to bleed again.  
  
James averted his concentration for only a moment to see how Lily was when he felt his flesh sear in a burning slice as a knife penetrated his chest. He screamed and Lily took notice.  
  
"James!" She yelled, and ran to him. He couldn't hold up his head and was losing consciousness.  
  
Then suddenly, out of nowhere appeared Moody and Dumbledore. The Aurors didn't notice at first until the Death Eaters who were left began to rapidly dissaparate. Frank noticed first, because the one he was fighting suddenly disappeared from sight. They all looked at each other in shock and disappointment, but were relieved to see the two just the same. And then there were none. Above all else the Death Eaters were taught to fear Dumbledore, and his mere presence drove them all away. Too weak to formally acknowledge their old Headmaster, they simple stood glued to their spots. Lily began to cry over her husband, thinking about what he had said to her only a few hours ago.  
  
Sirius was panting. His shoulder had been hurt badly, and he was clutching it and frantically searching for Diana. He too ran to her when he saw her on the ground. He said nothing. He only picked her up and drew her close to him.  
  
"Look at them Alastor." Dumbledore said, shaking his head. "They're in shambles."  
  
Moody nodded. "But look at what they have done. There must be at least ten dead, and the rest are stupefied."  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat, and they all looked up with exhausted and disappointed expressions on their faces.  
  
"Children, you have done what you can. Now you all need immediate medical attention." He simply said. This was no time for words of wisdom or consolation. They wouldn't have wanted to appreciate it anyway. They just stared, and nodded.  
  
"Alastor. Take them to Madame Pomfery. She'll know how to handle them. I have a feeling they need to go home, at least to recover there."  
  
"Of course Albus. And what of these?" he said, pointing to the lifeless bodies of Death Eaters on the ground.  
  
"I will call Bagnold, it is his job to deal with it. We can do nothing more. It is out of our control." He said, rather coldly. One by one Moody took then to Madame Pomfery. In this special circumstance Dumbledore allowed them to apparate into the hospital wing. When they were all there and the street was empty, Dumbledore surveyed it. A tear escaped his eye as he thought of all they must have gone through that night. He partially blamed himself. He asked them to put themselves in danger and all it brought them was pain. "So young." He muttered to the brisk, night air. Then in a flash, he was gone.  
  
~*~*~ (Hospital Wing-Hogwarts, around Midnight)  
  
Lily never fell asleep. She was too worried to sleep. Her muscles no longer ached because Madame Pomfery had given her a temporary tranquilizer. It was supposed to make her drowsy and numb the pain. At least half of it works, she thought. She was in a separate room from the others. She was all alone. She had no idea where James was, or even if he was alive. She shuddered at the thought.  
  
'If anything happens to me, promise me you'll forgive me when it's all over..' She repeated to herself. She began to cry. Just the thought, the mere thought of him not coming out of this tore her to pieces. She started muttering his name and burying her face in her pillow. "James!" she yelled a bit too loudly and Madame Pomfery rushed in.  
  
"Now, now dear what is it?" she sweetly asked, turning her over. She pulled the hair away from Lily's face in a motherly manner.  
  
"I want my husband." She cried, tears streaming down her already salty cheeks.  
  
"I'm afraid you can't see him just yet dear-"  
  
"Bring him to me.now!" she said, slamming her hand on the bed.  
  
"Hush Lily. He's all right, he just needs rest, and so do you. You can see him in the morning, I promise." She said, trying to calm her down.  
  
"He's alive?" Lily asked, rubbing her eyes.  
  
"Well of course dear. He's fine." She answered, tucking Lily in. "Now get some sleep" she ordered and left the room leaving only a single candle lit.  
  
Diana was in the room next to her, with Sirius by her side. He wasn't injured as badly as she was, and insisted to Madame Pomfery that he stay by her side continually. She reluctantly agreed. They weren't students anymore after all.  
  
He was stroking her hair and gently caressing her cheek. She was unconscious and the bruises were so severe that they were difficult to remove. Her robes were tattered and filthy, and the longer Sirius stared at her, the deeper his heart sank.  
  
"She needs her rest Mr. Black." She said, thinking only of Diana's health.  
  
"Shut it Poppy." He said, not caring at all what she had said. He knew this was rude to say, but he had other things on his mind. "Please just leave us." He said, not looking up.  
  
"Fine." She said, a little offended, but understanding. She shut the door so they would not be disturbed. She had given Diana a potion to heal the bruises overnight. So far nothing changed.  
  
Sirius sat next to her on the floor, his hand gripped tightly around hers. He stared at her wedding ring, and ran his thumb around its square cut ridges. It was stained in blood. He broke down crying. He put his head on her lap and wept for what seemed to be hours. He never let go of her hand. Then to his surprise he felt something tough his hair and stroke it. He jolted up to see Diana awake, and staring into his dark, mysterious eyes. She wasn't smiling; in fact her expression was rather untraceable. She just continued to pet him.  
  
"Get up." She whispered, and he did so right away. He sat on the bed facing her, her hand still clutched tightly in his. She put her free hand on his cheek and motioned him closer. He kissed her sweetly and put his head on her chest. She breathed heavily in and out until she moved the covers next to her, opening a space for him. He got in, fully clothed, but stayed above the covers.  
  
He embraced her tightly, as if he were afraid she would slip away. She silently cried as he kissed her hair.  
  
"I'm so sorry Sirius." She whimpered, trying desperately not to show her despair. "It's all my fault."  
  
"Shh. None of that." He whispered. He rubbed her shoulders to sooth her, and she calmed down a bit while increasing her grip on him.  
  
"Hold me tighter." She said, sniffling. He obeyed. "Promise me something."  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Don't you ever leave me, do you hear? I need you." She whispered and closed her eyes. A tear fell from his eyes and he smiled. They fell asleep together in each other's arms.  
  
~*~James stirred. He could feel himself gaining some energy, although his body was still a bit achy. He was tossing and turning. He had been up for hours, thinking of one thing only.  
  
"Lily." He whispered. He had blacked out after he had been stabbed and didn't remember where she had gone, until he heard her cry for him. That must have been an hour ago, or was it a minute? He thought. He sighed loudly and wanted so much to see her. If anything this potion was only keeping him awake. He couldn't take it. She was his wife and he had every right to see her. Madame Pomfery wasn't around. She must have gone back to her quarters, he thought. The rest of the wing was surely asleep. They were all adults so they didn't need people to watch over them.  
  
He made up his mind and slowly got out of bed. This was a little difficult since the entire potion had not circulated yet. He knew which room was hers. It was directly adjoined to his. The door was closed and he was almost certain she was asleep. He opened the door slowly and it creaked. It was opened enough for him to see Lily jump up in surprise. She was wide- awake.  
  
He felt a little embarrassed just standing there, and she seemed frozen to her spot. He was about to leave when she motioned for him to stay. She threw the covers off walked over to him. He never moved from that spot. He wasn't looking directly at her however; his eyes were fixed to the floor. She picked his head up and forced him to look at her. Then she ran her hand across his slightly cut face, moving from one cheek to the other. Then she hugged him around his neck as if she hadn't seen him in years. He was shocked by this act and slowly put his arms around her waist, slowly embracing her tighter.  
  
When she released herself she looked deep into his eyes. He needed her, she thought. And I need him, she realized. She inched her face closer to his and their lips met, briefly at first, but then longer and harder the second time around. She exhaled out of relief and pleasure, as James pulled their bodies closer. He began kissing her cheek, then slowly made his way down to her neck.  
  
She tugged on his shirt, biding him to take it off, and she quickly pulled it up over his head. It was tossed to the side. She put her hand on his chest, over the bandaged wound. He took her hand and intertwined it with his, as they slowly made their way to the bed.  
  
And there, in the hospital wing of their former school they gave themselves to each other. It was not as a favor, or because they needed a distraction from the pain. It had been three months since they made love, and the longer they abstained; the more they needed one another to feel complete. Neither of them was the dominant one. They were past that now. They simply gave into temptation, if that's even what it was. Once again James silently apologized, while Lily in her own way truly forgave him. She could never forget, as no woman can truly do, but she knew she had to ultimately forgive. It was for her happiness as well. Her completeness, her essence, her heart, and her soul belonged to James, as his did to her.  
  
They would forever be each other's weakness, strength, misfortune, blessing, pleasure and pain. But, that moment was a turning point in their lives. It was a perfect mirror of their past while being a stepping-stone into the future.  
  
They were Lily and James again, one word practically. She didn't back away. She didn't cringe or fight. He became himself again, the one that had been gone for so long. He was her James, and she was his Lily. The feeling of ecstasy that had been absent for so long had returned with full force, and devoured them both. This requisite expression of their sentiments proved to be everything more than sweet intoxication.  
  
(Sorry it took so long. I do hope it was at least somewhat worth it! It really did take me a very long time to piece together and sorry if its not the best. Remember to review! I really love them! But, no I don't know what happens next :) :) 


	13. Guilty Consciences

Disclaimer: See previous chapters. You will have to excuse this chapter if it is not up to par. I am watching American Idol right now and I keep getting up and dancing to it. Season finale! That said, and I do know that it is posted after we have found out, but I am addicted to this show! Sorry for all of you non-U.S. citizens who haven't taken the drug that is American Idol, but it is incredibly addictive. I know I rambled and I apologize for the people who actually read this long ass disclaimer, but on with the show! (Yes I am a loser, I acknowledge) oh and by the way, don't expect a short chapter any time soon.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Good morning Mrs. Potter." James whispered as he saw Lily's eyes flutter open. It was a beautiful Sunday morning and they were both rested beyond the capacity to contain themselves. Lily looked up at him and she smiled.  
  
"Good morning Mr. Potter." She replied as he leaned down to kiss her.  
  
Their wounds were healed and their bodies no longer ached. The potion from the previous night had worked wonders on them both.  
  
There was an opened window a few feet away from them. They just stared at the sunrise and felt its warmth. From what could be seen it was an unusually warm day. Spring was approaching early. James looked down at Lily to see that she was completely tranquil. He held onto her tightly, as if insuring she would never slip away. She put her hand on his chest and felt him breathe in and out steadily. Her head was so close to his heart she could actually hear it beating. James was so assuaged with happiness at that moment that he was almost sure it wasn't real. He figured he would wake up at any moment to find that she wasn't there. She felt him shiver at the thought.  
  
"What's the matter?" she asked as she positioned herself so that they were face to face. She leaned against the headboard and folded one leg over the other. He smiled.  
  
"Nothing." He said, moving her scarlet mane away from her porcelain face. "I just missed this."  
  
"What?" she asked, smoothing his hair. A task she had done so many times, it was habit by now.  
  
"You. Just being here, with you, like this. I didn't think we'd have it again, or that it would be different."  
  
She grabbed his glasses off of the small table beside the bed. She put them on herself. "It is different." She said.  
  
"How?" he wondered, unsure of what she meant.  
  
"Well considering we are in a hospital wing, and at school no less. I must say that I didn't exactly envision our consummation quite like this." She said, surveying the small, sterile room.  
  
"You always were picky. But I find it funny you are actually complaining."  
  
"I am not complaining, believe me." She said. "In fact, you have proved yourself more than worthy of me, so today I shall get my things that have been lying in the Leaky Cauldron these past few days, and bring them home." She said, pulling the covers off herself.  
  
He found this incredibly amusing. "More than worthy huh? I told you." He said, mildly congratulating himself. As she got up she chuckled.  
  
"You know what I've noticed about you?" she said, searching for her clothes.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"You must be the cockiest man on the planet. I mean, given all the shit I let slide with you, and all the things I am willing to overlook, despite my morals and pride, you have the audacity to act incredibly arrogant about a silly little thing like sex. It's quite comical really." She said, picking up his shirt and throwing it over herself. Then she picked up his discarded boxer shorts and threw them to him.  
  
"Silly huh? Arrogant? Thank you, oh queen of compliments." He said, yawning. He slipped them on while under the covers. She got back in bed with him.  
  
"Damn right." She said. He kissed her again. There was no reason to ask for permission now. She let him run his strong hands down her stomach and she giggled. He refused to stop and she began to laugh uncontrollably. He knew how ticklish she was.  
  
"Stop, stop!" she yelled, when it became unbearable. He reluctantly did so and she playfully pushed him off. He laid back down on his back. "You'll regret that." She said.  
  
She then took this opportunity to climb on top of him, straddling his stomach. Needless to say it took him by surprise. Then she uncrossed both his arms and pinned them to the side. James felt oddly aroused.  
  
"And what, pray tell, do you hope to accomplish from this?" he asked.  
  
Instead of answering him she leaned in and kissed him forcefully. Since he was stronger than she was his arms came free and he grabbed her around her hips. He attempted to tickle her once more until he felt a sharp, yet pleasant pain on his bottom lip.  
  
"Ow!" he cried, blatantly overreacting. She had bitten him, and she enjoyed it. "What did you do that for?"  
  
"For trying to tickle me again. Don't." she ordered before moving her hands lower and lower down his stomach.  
  
"My aren't we feisty this morning." He said, caressing her back.  
  
"Mm hmm. You have no idea." She whispered.  
  
"AHEM!" They both heard.  
  
Lily gasped and James threw her off him. She landed with a thud on the edge of the bed and she grabbed her face in horror and embarrassment. There before them was their division leader, old headmaster, and Madame Pomfery.  
  
"Oh my god." Lily whimpered, incredibly humiliated. James began to stutter.  
  
"Uh.uh-"  
  
"That won't be necessary Mr. Potter." Dumbledore said, trying to suppress his laughter. "Well, I am glad that you two have, uh, worked things out I suppose. It seems that you two are feeling better."  
  
They were speechless, and for the first time they were seen blushing feverishly. They had been caught by one of their teachers, and Crouch was there no less, looking incredibly not amused.  
  
"Mr. And Mrs. Potter." He began. "Congratulations. You two have officially broken the record of the most Dark Arts supporters captured. Last night seven Death Eaters were sent to Azkaban, and nine more were found killed. You, along with Mr. And Mrs. Black have both received the Order of Merlin, first class."  
  
Still, they were speechless, but incredibly honored just the same.  
  
"Uh."Lily started. "Thank you sir." She said, trying to sound professional. She had pulled the covers up to her neck, even though she was wearing James' t-shirt.  
  
"Your welcome." He said, and nodded himself out.  
  
James and Lily just looked at each other, not knowing what to make of that.  
  
Dumbledore just grinned from ear to ear as he addressed them once more. "Well you are all welcome at breakfast. I do hope to see you both there, that is when you are dressed of course."  
  
Lily winced.  
  
"But, all jokes aside, I am so proud of you both. I know last night was difficult and that many of you might not recover fully. However, your bravery has surpassed expectations, and you are all more powerful than even I knew. The Wizarding World is lucky to have you." He said, tenderly. He too then nodded and left their room, making sure to shut the door. When his footsteps were no longer heard, James and Lily stared blankly at each other. Lily looked at her blushing husband and broke out into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.  
  
"What the hell is so bloody amusing?" James asked, flabbergasted.  
  
"You should see your face right now." She said, releasing her grip on the covers. "It's priceless." She said, infatuated with his discomfiture, and jubilant with attraction.  
  
"That was by far, the most awkward, inconvenient, mortifying experience of my entire life." He said, extremely heckled.  
  
"Aw, you're cute, my love." She said in adoration. She put her hand on his cheek. He smiled and chuckled at her.  
  
"Yea, yea." He said, and pulled her closer.  
  
"James?" she asked.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I love you." She said in all honesty. It was the first time she had actually said it since their separation. "I don't think you know how much."  
  
"I think I do." He said. "I've never stopped loving you."  
  
"Well I should hope not, especially after last night." She said, a simpering smile spread across her face.  
  
"Well, who's gloating now?" he asked, kidding with her.  
  
"I'm not gloating I am stating fact." She said.  
  
"You know that is profoundly unattractive."  
  
"Now you know what it sounds like." She said, putting her head back on the pillow.  
  
He shook his head. "Oh woman you are going to be the death of me."  
  
She laughed. "Shut up and get dressed." She said, getting up and leaving the room.  
  
"You're wearing my clothes!" he called as he jolted out of bed and followed her to the showers, not caring who they ran into. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Diana and Sirius hadn't moved the entire night. They remained in each other's arms, breathing in sync with one another.  
  
Diana awoke first, hot and bothered, but she quickly calmed down when she saw Sirius fast asleep beside her. He looked peaceful so she didn't want to wake him. She ran a finger down his cheek and smiled. This poor man, she thought. He loves me too much.  
  
When Sirius felt her touch he was instantly awakened. He grinned at the pleasant sight that met him. He looked up to see his wife, smiling. There were no bruises, no cuts, only her. Her face had an ethereal glow about it, and he was pleased to notice she wasn't in any more pain.  
  
"Hi." He said, putting his hand on her cheek.  
  
"Hi." She said, and removed it.  
  
"How do you feel?"  
  
"Fine. I'm a bit queasy though." She told him truthfully.  
  
"Really?" he said, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. He was in incredibly uncomfortable position all night and he had to stretch.  
  
"How did you sleep?" she said, slightly changing the subject.  
  
"Alright. I was worried about you there for a moment Diana. I thought was going to lose you." He said, gravely.  
  
"Well I'm here aren't I? Focus on the positive. You worry too much."  
  
"I worry too much? You've got to be kidding." He said. " And I have my reasons."  
  
"I know, and I've told you-"  
  
"No Diana. No more apologies. We are past that. I am sick of talking about it."  
  
"I suppose you are right." She said, fiddling with her sleeve. "But it is always there, it will always be there."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The constant reminder of my so-called quest for acceptance. I wanted to be loved, well, I guess I got what I deserved." She explained.  
  
"What do you mean? Dumbledore got rid-"  
  
"No, no. He didn't." she said, and took out her left arm. She slowly pulled up the sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark. It was just as grotesque as last time she saw it, and she had to look away. Sirius grabbed her arm, not forcefully, but hard enough. He looked hurt. For the first time that day he wondered what exactly did happen in that ambulance.  
  
"How?" he said angrily.  
  
"A spell. It was out of my control." She said, pulling her arm back.  
  
"My god, will they ever leave you alone? This has gone far enough." He said, rubbing his temples.  
  
"Leave me alone? Oh my dear they will never leave me alone. Don't you understand? I am a deserter. I betrayed them. The only reason I am not dead now is because they are choosing to keep me alive. They are afraid I will rat them out." She said, sighing.  
  
"Rat them out? You mean you have actually had that option. I'm sorry, um, why don't you?" he said, getting a tad snippy.  
  
"You know why and don't pretend like you don't. It's the same reson why you won't turn Bella in, or Regulus. They have come after my family once and they will do it again. I chose to do it, no one forced me-"  
  
He glared at her in disbelief.  
  
"You know what I mean?" she clarified. "Listen, they came after me last night, but because of who I am now. It was a pleasant surprise for them you might say. A treat."  
  
He just had a look on him of shock and anger. It was not directed at her though.  
  
"Sirius please don't be angry with me." She pleaded. He didn't answer her. He was just running a list of names in his head. She sighed. "I wish I never brought you into all this. I figured that once I was an Auror, and we were married that it would somehow fade away. And here it is smacking us across the face. Sirius, look at me please. Sirius?"  
  
"I'm sorry. Never mind. Lets forget it now alright. Whatever Dumbledore gave you before he will give you again, and that's it." he smiled, reassuringly.  
  
Then there was a soft knock at the door. It was opened slowly, and they saw a long white beard through the doorway. He wanted to survey the room before he fully entered it. They had puzzled looks on their faces. They didn't know why he was being so cautious.  
  
"Good morning you two." He smiled when it was safe.  
  
"Good morning Professor." They both said, straitening up.  
  
"How do you feel Diana?" he asked. "You look marvelous, as always."  
  
"Thank you." She said sweetly. "Madame Pomfery is a genius."  
  
"Thank you child." They heard as she walked in, checking up. "That potion works wonders, doesn't it?"  
  
"Indeed." Sirius said. "No pain at all."  
  
"And you my dear?" she asked, walking over to Diana. "Any nausea?"  
  
"Um, why?" she asked quizzically.  
  
"Well it is custom to have nausea in your condition." She answered plainly, fixing her sheets.  
  
"Huh?" Sirius asked. "What condition?" he looked at Diana for the answer, and she just shrugged, not knowing what Madame Pomfery meant.  
  
"You mean." She paused. "You don't know?" she asked in disbelief.  
  
Dumbledore's eyes scanned their faces in amusement.  
  
"Uh, apparently not." Diana said.  
  
"Well." She began. "I took some tests on you last night while you were unconscious."  
  
"Tests?" Diana questioned.  
  
"Yes, just to see that there was no damage to your insides."  
  
"What exactly did you find?" Sirius asked. He was feeling a little worried, as if something was wrong.  
  
She chuckled. "Well Mr. Black, it seems that in seven months or so, you are going to be a father." She said, proud to break the news to them.  
  
They just looked at her in shock.  
  
"Excuse me?" Diana asked. "You mean I'm.."  
  
"Yes my dear. You're pregnant."  
  
"But how?!" she asked rather stupidly.  
  
Madame Pomfery laughed. Sirius was beaming from ear to ear. He grabbed Diana and hugged her tightly. She was still shocked. Dumbledore noticed that her expression showed neither zealousness nor joy. She actually looked pretty upset. Her breath was shortening.  
  
"Oh my love do you hear that? A baby!" Sirius cried. When he released her she laughed nervously.  
  
"A baby." She repeated, trying to sound happy. Then she swallowed loudly.  
  
"Well that explains why you've been feeling sick." Sirius mentioned. She nodded.  
  
"Yes, well congratulations, Mummy." Madame Pomfery said, cutely and hugged her.  
  
"That will be all Poppy." Dumbledore spoke, trying to change the subject. Diana looked as if she were about to scream. "Thank you." She smiled at them both, and then left the room.  
  
"Do you need anything Diana?" she asked. She just shook her head, so she left.  
  
"Well, I'm sure you two are feeling better. I came in here to congratulate you. On something else, however." Dumbledore resumed.  
  
"Yes?" Diana asked, delighted to change the subject. Sirius still grinned at her, and she feebly returned the smile. A baby, she thought. She kept running the words over and over again in her head. Each time they sounded the tone was even more solemn. The color had faded from her face.  
  
"Well, you two, along with James and Lily have received the Order of Merlin for your bravery. There were a number of supporters who were captured and killed due to the four of you. I was pleased with your performance. You have done us all proud."  
  
"Well thanks old man." Sirius exclaimed, thrilled by such good news on this Sunday morning. He felt it couldn't get any better.  
  
"Your welcome. Now I will invite you to breakfast, and I must be going-" he said, proceeding to leave.  
  
"Wait." Diana asked.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Well I, um, something happened last night, to me, and well..." she spoke, her voice cracking. Then she pulled up her sleeve and showed Dumbledore what was clearly no accident.  
  
"Ah." He replied. "I figured that would happen eventually." He walked over and pulled up a chair beside her. He took her arm once more and examined it.  
  
Years ago, when they were still students Diana had become a Death Eater. Late one night, before graduation she went to Dumbledore in a frightened and desperate state. She had been running and crying all the way to his office. She confessed everything to him and demanded that it be stopped. When she rolled up her sleeve it was bloody and terribly red. He was calling them, and she had neither the strength nor the will to go. She was too much in love with Sirius at the time, yet Lucius was constantly persistent. She was young, confused and scared. Dumbledore kept her secrets, and gave her a potion that would take that mark away. It would be underneath the surface, but the ability to feel it and see it would be gone. She had to take it every six months. A secret she had kept from Sirius ever since.  
  
"Well." He said. "What do you want me to do about it?" he asked.  
  
"Get rid of it of course." Sirius answered for her.  
  
"Diana?"  
  
She bit her lip. "I don't want to see it." she exclaimed, tearing her eyes away.  
  
"Sirius would you mind if I spoke to your wife alone for a moment?" he asked.  
  
"Sure." He reluctantly said. He slowly got up and exited the room. He shut the door behind him. He began to pace back and forth. He wondered what they were talking about.  
  
When he came out Diana was behind him, faking a smile. They all went down to breakfast. Lily and James came down about twenty minutes after everyone else did. Diana eyed her suspiciously, winked and then laughed at her. Lily couldn't control her feelings. She was beaming like a child. Diana could always tell when she was truly happy, and it was clear to Diana that her and James had made up. They were never discrete about things like that.  
  
"Twice?" she asked, even though she knew.  
  
"Shhh." Lily said, loudly.  
  
Diana shook her head. "You are a real trip you know that Lily? When, last night?"  
  
"You know I don't like talking about it." she said.  
  
"Bullshit." Diana said, rolling her eyes at her. Lily laughed. "Was it good?"  
  
"Fuck yea." She said, blushing. Diana smirked and resumed her eating.  
  
Both girls turned as they heard James loudly congratulate Sirius.  
  
"Congratulations mate!" he yelled as they embraced like brothers. Lily turned to Diana and gave her a confused look.  
  
"And Diana!" James yelled as he hopped over his wife. He hugged Diana tightly and kissed her on the cheek. "Wow! I'm going to be an uncle! I am so proud." He said and released her.  
  
Lily stared at Diana, wide eyed and shocked. Diana tried to smile, but Lily knew she was full of it. Diana just nodded, confirming the news to her best friend. Lily raised her eyebrows, and put her hand on her back. Lily knew how Diana felt about this. If anyone knew how Diana felt about children, it was Lily.  
  
"How long?" she whispered.  
  
Diana held up two fingers. Lily shut her eyes. Then she turned to look at Sirius. He smiled at her lovingly; his face brighter than it had been in months.  
  
"It's ok." Lily said, turning back to Diana and rubbing her back. Diana looked as if she were about to cry. Lily saw her reflection in her eyes.  
  
Diana shook her head. "No." she whispered. Then she picked up her head and dabbed her eyes gently with her napkin. She looked at her reflection in her dish to make sure she looked alright.  
  
After a time Dumbledore stood up and congratulated them again. They stood up and received applause from teachers and students. Dumbledore didn't actually mention what they were getting awarded for, but no one asked questions. He let them retain some sort of anonymity. Alice and Frank were not there, to everyone's amazement. They had been discharged earlier that morning, and did not receive awards. Alice was too new, and Frank had already received one.  
  
Breakfast ended and they were allowed to go back home. They said their goodbyes to Dumbledore and McGonagal, as well as to Madame Pomfery. Diana was congratulated once again, and faked her excitement. Lily and James went one way, towards Hogsmeade. Lily wanted to go to the Leaky Cauldron to pick up her clothes, and she wanted to use the Floo Network out of the Hog's Head.  
  
Diana and Sirius walked to the edge of Hogwarts and apparated home. Lily motioned for her to smile as they embraced, but to Diana, things couldn't get any worse. The only good part of it was how happy Sirius had seemed. He kept kissing her and hugging her, wrapping his hands around her stomach in adoration. As long as he's happy, she thought, and suppressed her intense uneasiness.  
  
Once Lily and James got to Hogsmeade they immediately went to the Hog's Head. They entered, both in ecstatic moods. James nodded at the bartender and he pointed them to the back of the bar, knowing they were headed for the fireplace.  
  
Lily grabbed a handful of Floo Powder.  
  
"I'll run upstairs and get my things alright?" she asked.  
  
"Sounds good." He said, rubbing her shoulder. "I'll get a drink and wait for you."  
  
"It's noon James." She reminded him. "It's a bit early for a drink." Just then about five men in the bar turned and huffed at Lily. She didn't exactly lower her voice as she said this, and they were in a bar.  
  
"Actually by drink I meant, butterbeer, but whatever." He chuckled.  
  
"Right." She said and threw the powder into the fireplace. "The Leaky Cauldron." She shouted and in a flash of green smoke she was gone.  
  
As soon as she appeared in the Leaky Cauldron she rushed over to the bar.  
  
"Tom!" she shouted and he appeared from behind the counter.  
  
"Lily!" he greeted back. "I expected you to come back here but where have you been? Your things have been sitting in room 11 for two days now."  
  
"I know, sorry about that I hope you didn't need the room." She said.  
  
"No, no."  
  
"Whew. Good. I'll just run upstairs then." She said, as she noticed a pair of eyes upon her. She turned to see Narcissa Malfoy staring at her from a table in the back. Lily didn't know why but she felt the need to go over and say hello. She felt she had been quite rude the day before. Narcissa seemed unnerved when she saw Lily approaching, but remained seated.  
  
Lily was in such a pleasant mood that she started acting a bit animated.  
  
"Good morning Narcissa!" she shouted, waving. She stood up and gave Lily a hug, reluctantly.  
  
"Hi Lily." She said, trying to smile. "Beautiful day."  
  
"It is, isn't it?" Lily said, breathing in the fresh air. "So how are things?" she asked.  
  
Narcissa sighed. "Fine."  
  
"Liar." Lily said, not really meaning to. She caught herself when Narcissa began to turn red. "Sorry. So what have you been doing with yourself lately? What is it you do again?" Lily never was quite sure.  
  
"Nothing really. I'm a homemaker mostly. Lucius doesn't want me working." She said, faking ever word.  
  
"I see. Do you want to work?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrow at her.  
  
"I don't know." Narcissa said, sheepishly. "Things are well..difficult I suppose. I don't want any trouble."  
  
"Trouble? What kind of trouble?" Lily asked, folding her arms.  
  
"Anyway." Narcissa cut her off, feeling she had said too much to begin with. "So how are you? You look...happy."  
  
Lily thought for a moment. "Yes I suppose I am." She said, smiling, thinking of James. Narcissa sensed it, and tried to keep from exploding right there.  
  
"Well what are you doing here?"  
  
"Oh, well I'm getting my things. I don't know if you heard-"  
  
"I heard."  
  
"Oh. Well I'm moving back to our flat." She explained.  
  
"So I guess you two are...back together?" She said, swallowing her saliva.  
  
"Well, for now." Lily said, noticing Narcissa's fidgety movements. She was about to finish her sentence when she heard her name being called.  
  
Lily turned around to see James. She waved him over. When James was in five feet of her he stopped abruptly and his smile faded. Lily looked at him with a perplexed expression across her face.  
  
"Come here and say hello." Lily ordered as if he was a child. "Look who I ran into." She said, linking their arms together. He put his arms around Lily's waist and nodded.  
  
"Hello Narcissa." He said, and held his hand out. She shook it, smiling. There was silence then, and Lily released herself from James' grasp.  
  
"I'm running up I'll be back in a moment. Catch up, whatever." She said as she jogged up the flight of stairs. When she was midway up a thought suddenly hit her. Why was he so quiet? She thought. He wouldn't shut up on the walk down here. She felt something in the pit of her stomach, telling her to run back, but she didn't. She wanted her things.  
  
The door was locked. Damn it, she thought. She had to run back down anyway to get the key back from Tom.  
  
"Hey Tom!" she called. He was on the other side of the bar, serving a drink to a young couple and chatting. She leaned over the bar to attract his attention when her eyes darted, accidentally, to Narcissa and James. They were sitting at her table, talking. Actually it was more like fighting. He was shushing her in a fuming rage, trying desperately not to attract attention.  
  
"What can I do for you Lily?" Tom asked. Lily didn't know how long he had been standing there but he gave her a strange look.  
  
"Uh, the key Tom. I need it." she spoke rather quickly, holding out her hand.  
  
"Oh that's right. Silly me. Here you go." He said cheerfully handing it to her.  
  
She snatched it and ran upstairs, not taking another look. She unlocked and threw open the door to find it exactly as she had left it.  
  
She silently packed her things when a thought suddenly struck her. She found herself thinking about Narcissa, running over in her head their relationship. She liked Narcissa, they were even friends for a time during sixth year. Come to think of it, Lily thought, she was dating James at the time. That's funny, she thought and smiled. She was always correcting Narcissa's Charms homework for her. She was her tutor and read over many of her essays, making changes where they were needed. She never was very good at Charms, Lily thought.  
  
Lily's thoughts were interrupted by a loud and impatient knock. The door was open but he chose not to attempt it.  
  
"Lily?" James called to her.  
  
"It's open." She said.  
  
She heard the door open but she didn't turn around. He was leaning against her doorframe with a subtle smile on his face. When she did turn around she smiled back, but then continued to busy herself with her clothes.  
  
"What's taking you so long?" he asked, picking up some of her clothes for her. He threw them in a bag. She didn't answer him.  
  
"Lily?" he said carefully. "Everything ok?"  
  
"Yes." She answered. "Didn't you want a drink?"  
  
"Oh right. Well, we have drinks at home."  
  
"No we don't." she said, packing the last of her things into her bag. There wasn't much.  
  
He nervously laughed. Lily noticed he was fidgeting.  
  
"You alright honey?" she asked. Narcissa's face flashed into her mind, much to her own surprise.  
  
"Of course." He said with a reassuring smile. "We should go."  
  
"Why? I thought we'd have lunch or something." She said, innocently. "We haven't done that in ages."  
  
He hesitated. "Well.." she looked at him at batted her eyelashes. It always worked. "Alright, but I pick the place."  
  
"That's fine. What do you want?"  
  
"How 'bout ice cream?" he suggested.  
  
She groaned. "Ugh, fine." Lets just bring these down. Tom will put them behind the bar for me and we can pick it up in an hour or so. I want to do a bit of shopping while we are here."  
  
"Shopping?" he whined. "Lil, do we have to?"  
  
She smiled and put her arms around his neck. "Yes."  
  
They walked downstairs, James carrying down both of her bags. When they exited the mirror said "bye dearie" much to James slight humiliation. He always thought that talking mirrors were a bit unnatural. They gave him the creeps.  
  
Narcissa was still there at her table. She seemed to be reading the Daily Prophet now and smoking a cigarette. Lily handed her bags to Tom and waved goodbye. James tried to hurry out the door but she held back.  
  
"Shouldn't we say goodbye to Narcissa? She seems awfully lonely back there." Lily pointed out.  
  
"You go ahead I'm going to wait here." He said, growing hot.  
  
"You know that is so rude. It's not her fault that she is married to a tyrant." Lily whispered, putting her hands on her hips.  
  
James sighed. He didn't want to see Lily cross, so she dragged him back over there and he feebly said goodbye.  
  
"Nice to see you dear, and I'm sorry about yesterday." Lily said, hugging her. James felt himself beginning to sweat.  
  
"Oh don't worry about it." Narcissa said as they embraced, not taking her eyes off of James. He refused to look at her.  
  
"Goodbye then." Lily said and they left.  
  
Lily slapped him on the arm when they were safely outside.  
  
"Ouch, abuse." He said, annoyed.  
  
"You are so mean." She said, folding her arms. "It wouldn't kill you to be nice."  
  
"I'm sorry Hun, it's just that I'm hungry and I want to eat." He replied, looking at the ground.  
  
"Still." She said. "And did you too get into a bit of an argument when I was upstairs?"  
  
James' face paled. "Not really, why?"  
  
"No reason. You just looked like you were that's all." She said. He was so nervous he forgot to swallow.  
  
"Oh, well, you know-"  
  
"I have a feeling she doesn't like you too much." Lily bluntly said.  
  
"Why do you think that?" James answered, playing the fool.  
  
"Well you did fuck her over." She said, just as plainly as she had done before.  
  
James' temperature was rising so high he could feel the trickles of sweat forming on his brow. He tried to pass them off as effects from the heat.  
  
"What..what do you mean?" he stuttered.  
  
"Don't tell me you don't remember." She said, astonished. "If you had treated me the way you had treated her I would certainly hold a grudge, even if we were sixteen."  
  
James privately let out a sigh if relief. It was too low for her to even notice.  
  
"Right, yes, I was quite the asshole." He said, trying desperately to avert from the subject.  
  
She laughed. "Mmm hmm. Poor girl, she got dealt the wrong cards."  
  
"Uh, yea." James said, scratching the back of his head, compulsively. "Shall we?" he asked as he took her arm. She forgot about Narcissa quickly, and smiled at him. Not once did she notice his fidgety movements, his heavy breathing. Not once did she see him flinch every time Narcissa was mentioned, or when her face flashed before his eyes. He looked at his wife, whom he truly loved, and the feeling swept over him again. Guilt. If you only knew Lily, he thought as they walked. He prayed to God she never would.  
  
They walked hand in hand to Flourean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. They found a table in the sunlight and ordered their dessert.  
  
And so they ate, legs toughing, James' arm wrapped lovingly over his wife's shoulder. They talked, laughed and kissed, just like they had when they were young. Lily was consumed by her love for him and her desire to forgive. Yet all the while, James sat there, laughing with her, burdened by the weight of a guilty conscience.  
  
~*~*~(Finished! Next chapter will take place months later because I have realized that it has taken me, what, four chapters to get through one day. That's right, only one day. Yea I'm picking up the pace just a bit. Ok, in response to my horrible author's note, I would just like to announce that Ruben won (in case you all didn't know) and I am sooo happy. But that aside, review! These chapters are all going to be long for the rest of it. I don't think I can ever write a reasonably short chapter ever again. Thank you for the reviews, and don't stop them!)~Angelxd14 


	14. The Obvious Answer

Disclaimer: See previous chapters.

This chapter still leaves a lot of unanswered questions, just bare with me please.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~

June 21, 1979……..3:00pm (About 3 months later)

"Diana! Get out here please!" Sirius yelled over the fizzling of the barbecue.  

It was the Summer Solstice as well as the celebration of Diana and Lily's birthday.  They were born less than a month apart.  Lily on June 20, and Diana on May 24.  They were 23 years old.  

"Will you shut up Padfoot, I have a headache." Remus said, walking through the backdoor, the sun shining so brightly he had to use his arm to hide his eyes from its glare.  

Since the Potters and the Blacks lived in simple London flats, the party was being held at Remus and Nicole's estate in Ottery St. Catchpole.  It had been a tradition since they graduated.  Remus had inherited this house after his parents died seventh year.

"Where is that woman?" Sirius asked, flustered.  Sirius was often flustered.

The heat of the barbecue combined with the summer temperature caused him to overheat rather quickly, and Sirius did not take well to being uncomfortable.  Not to mention that his life didn't exactly get easier when he found out there was a child on the way.  Life had become, well, a little complicated for him, and despite how much in love they were, Diana wasn't exactly helping.

"Upstairs getting dressed." Remus replied.  "She and Nicole have a 'dilemma'" he said, chuckling.

"Dilemma? Oh great.  She'll be in a fabulous mood when she comes down." He said, sarcastically.  

He threw the spatula down onto the skillet and plopped down on a nearby lawn chair.  He took out his cigarettes and his sunglasses and leaned back, taking a break.  Remus rolled his eyes at him and took over the barbecue.

"Well she is pregnant mate, what do you expect?" Remus said, trying desperately not to burn the steaks and chicken.  He wasn't very good at this, and wasn't crazy about fire.

Sirius huffed.  "Yea, well still.  I cannot wait until this kid comes, it will put me out of my misery." 

"What do you mean? Aren't you excited?" he said, closing the cover to let the food cook on its own.  He had given up rather quickly.

"Oh yea, I am.  She…..well…..I don't know what the hell she thinks." He answered, shoving his cigarettes back in his pocket.  He lit one and sighed.

"Well, you know women.  She is probably just nervous, and it doesn't look like a particularly comfortable state to be in.  How far along is she?"  Remus said, pulling up a chair closer to Sirius.

"I don't know, five months, ten years.  It's taking a bit of a toll on her, I can see it."

"How do you mean?"

"It's just that ever since she found out she hasn't been the same." He said.

"How has she been then?"

"Well, she's tired all the time for one thing.  She gets up in the middle of the night a lot.  She has ridiculous cravings for food I didn't even know existed.  She hates the way she looks and refuses to wear anything that even remotely shows her stomach.  It's not even that bad.  It's like she doesn't want to acknowledge that she is going to have a baby."

Sirius inched up closer to Remus ear, afraid she might just hear them.  "Oh, and let me tell you, I thought she was a bitch before; lately she has been downright cruel."

Remus laughed.  "All of this is normal mate.  You are overreacting." He said, crossing one leg on top of the other.

"Oh I'm not done.  She still throws up, which I don't understand.  I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be that way, especially this far. And she won't even let me touch her." Sirius said, with a hint of desperation in his voice.

"You mean like, sexually?" Remus said, shifting his position.

"I mean any form of physical contact.  It's mostly been these last couple of weeks though.  I think she's afraid I might knock her up twice."

Remus chuckled.  "Well that's not possible."

"Let's hope not." Sirius said, shuddering at the thought.  "Take last night for instance.  I lean over to kiss her goodnight and she goes all crazy on me.  She told me that if I wanted sex so badly that there was some lotion in the bathroom I could use to relieve myself."

Remus started laughing.

"It's not funny!  I swear Moony, she is starting to scare me.  One minute she is my beautiful, loving wife who I adore and the next she is the psycho bitch from hell.  I don't know how to handle her and I have a funny feeling she resents me for some reason."

Remus found all this terribly amusing.  "Wow Padfoot.  Both of you are too much.  And I'm sure that she is just nervous and you are just paranoid.  It'll be fine."

Remus felt sorry for his friend but he secretly wished, secretly hoped that he was the one going through it.  All the bickering, blaming everything on hormones, the name picking, the cravings.  He knew he would never have that, and although Sirius complained, Remus thought he was the luckiest man on the planet.  He was going to be a father, something Remus only dreamed about.

Just then they heard the screen door open and they turned.  Nicole stepped out in her shorts and a white t-shirt.  Remus smiled while Sirius turned back around.  He was expecting to see his wife there, the disappointment immediately configured on his face.

"Where's Diana?" Remus asked, noticing Sirius' expressions.

"She'll be down in a minute, she's getting changed, finally." She said, walking over to the drink table.  She poured herself a glass of white wine.  "Lily here yet?" she asked.

"Does it look like she's here?" Sirius asked, wiping his forehead with his sleeve.  He was sweating in the heat.  It only increased his attitude.  Nicole glared at him.

"Don't mind this one Nic', he's being an ass." Remus said, slapping Sirius in the back of the head as he got up.  Then he gave Nicole a kiss on the cheek.

"No problem. I'm immune to it." she said, taking a sip of her drink. 

She fanned herself for the next couple of minutes with a handful of napkins.  She didn't like the heat either.  Sirius got up and poured himself a gin and tonic.  It was still a bit early.  Nicole had told people to come at four.  

"Strange weather we're having isn't it?" she asked, not looking at anyone in particular.

"Mm Hmm." Sirius said, wiping his forehead a second time.  He wasn't really listening to her.

The three sat there until they saw two bodies come around the back of the house.  It was Lily and James, and they were holding hands.  They were getting along, although James was complaining about the heat.  It was not typical England weather, no matter which season it was.  

Things had gone smoothly for them lately.  They seemed happy enough.  James would be the first to tell you how well things were going.

But one thing kept troubling Lily, one thing only.  It was the thing that kept her up and night; it was the thing that made her doubt herself.  She felt that she had to know who she was, the woman James had slept with instead of her.  

There were clues of course, and she had pieced most of them together.  She even came up with a few names.  Katrina was one of them, but she quickly dismissed that one.  The initials didn't match up, and Katrina was dead.  After a time she even forgot what the initials were.  She didn't know why she couldn't figure it out.  She was an Auror after all.  She was good at figuring out things like that.  But then again, it was the first time she had experienced it first hand.  It was obviously a different outlook on the situation.  Her sharpness wasn't exactly at its best.

Despite her constant curiosity, secretly she was unsure if she really wanted to know, although she was plagued by it.  Sometimes, he caught her staring at him.  She felt that if she stared long enough, she could make him blurt it out.  Then she feared it might break them again, and she didn't want that.  Things were going to well, better than she imagined.  She just didn't have the heart, or maybe it was the courage, to ask him.  And she knew he would never tell her…...

"Hey Prongs." Remus said and walked over to them.  Sirius turned to Nicole.

"There she is." He pointed with the pinky of his drinking hand, while wearing a childish smirk.

She playfully huffed and lightly punched his shoulder.  "Annoying." She muttered before walking over to say hello.

"Hey Lily." Nicole said as she kissed her on the cheek.  "Happy birthday."

"Thank you honey." She said, letting go of James' hand.  "Is Diana here?"

"Yep, and she's in one of her moods.  She's upstairs.  She refused to let anyone see her in what she was wearing so I lent her some things.  It took us about twenty minutes to find something she would actually put on."

"Oh dear." Lily said sighing.  "I'd better go up."

"Don't, she'll throw a hanger at you." Nicole earnestly warned.

Lily laughed at what she figured was a joke and proceeded to say hello to Sirius and Remus.  She hugged Remus, thanking him, once again for holding their little party at his home and walked over to the drink table to where Sirius was standing.  She could tell from the moment she arrived he was in a somewhat desolate mood.

"You know Sirius, we practically tripped over your monstrosity parked in the front yard.  You really should move it." Lily said, referring to Sirius' motorcycle.  She sounded more whimsical than annoyed.

"Hey it's not my fault you guys don't look where you're going.  Not all of us apparated here." He said.

"Why didn't you?" she asked.  Apparating always seemed easier to her.

"Well we're not sure if it's good for Diana, well, you know." He said, gesturing a round shape over his diaphragm.  "It takes a lot of energy and Madame Pomfery said if she doesn't do it right…..well, you get it."

"Right, right." She said, trying not to think of what could possibly go wrong.  "How are you holding up?" she asked Sirius as she put some ice in a glass.  She knew he was in a bad mood.  He had been that way for days.  Plus, Diana told her that he had been difficult lately.  Then again, everyone was difficult as far as Diana was concerned.

"Well, I haven't jumped off the London Bridge yet.  But if I wait a while, she'll push me off it." He said.

She snorted.  "You're such a bastard."

"Yea well, what else is new." He said, while mixing her a whisky sour.  He did it almost without thinking.

"You're too hard on yourself, my friend.  She'll come around, and when she does you are going to feel horrible that you acted like such an ass while she is going through this hard time.  You have to be there for her."

"I am.  She is just being so—" His throat tensed at these words.

"Impossible?" She asked, taking her drink.

"Yes." He said, as if that had been the answer he was looking for.

"I know dear.  Just suppress that attitude for a little while.  It's hard being with the two of you while you're like this.  One bitch is enough, believe me."  She said, taking a sip of her drink.  He just shrugged.  

"I suppose you're right, although I don't think you should be talking."

"Of course I'm right." She said, leaning against the table.  "And shut up." She winked at him.  "Now let me see that smile, Black."

"What?" he seemed annoyed at her request.  "Get over yourself.  This is no time to try to be cute with me."

"Let me see it." she said, smiling and putting her drink down.  She folded her arms and looked directly at him, as if saying the situation was unavoidable.

Sirius thought this was silly but just her asking it made him smile anyway.  It turned into a grin and then a laugh.  Lily was always decent when it came to making her friends feel better.  When her life and its catastrophes were in order, she was the self-proclaimed psychologist.  He just shook his head at her.

"Bitch." He said, playfully. She nudged him with her elbow.

"Slut." She replied, in the same tone.  Immaturity gets us through almost everything, she thought.

"Who's a slut?" James said as he wrapped his arms around Lily's waist, kissing her lightly on the cheek.  He had tried helping Remus out with the food, but it didn't go over to well and Nicole kicked him away from it, literally.   

"You are." Sirius said.  James glared at him.

"Well, we all knew that." Lily said, pinching his arm a little too hard.  Then she reached in his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes, breaking free of his embrace.  She still needed her distance, what with all the thoughts swimming around in her head.

James flinched.  "Well, I can see where I'm not wanted.  I'll leave you two alone.  Oh and Sirius, try not to steal my wife while you're at it." he said, walking away.

"If I really wanted to it wouldn't be that difficult." He answered, playing with the ice in his glass.

"Oh, and re-park that god damn motorbike! I nearly shattered my knee."  James complained, not hearing him.

"That's your problem, not mine." He said.  "It is parked just fine and it's going to stay there."

"It's on the porch."  James said and threw his hands in the air in exasperation.  

"You're just mean to everyone today aren't you?" Lily asked when James was out of sight.  Sirius handed her a lighter and she lit her cigarette.

"Pretty much.  So I see James isn't free of the wrath that is Lily Evans.  Still punishing him?"

"No, not really.  I just like doing little things to piss him off sometimes, but for the most part things are going well.  He's very, um, generous, one might say.  He is very focused on my needs, and rightfully so." She said, smirking.

"Mm Hmm." Sirius said, returning her expression.  "So what did the cheapskate get you for your birthday anyways? Diamonds, or let me guess, a palace?  After all he needs something to tame that ungodly temper of yours."

"And you think buying me off does the job?" she said, amused.

"Well you are a woman." He said, very nonchalantly.

"I deeply resent that." She said, half serious.  

"I know." He smiled again. Sirius had got the reaction he was hoping for.

She sneered at him.  "Actually, he didn't get me anything." This thought suddenly dawned on her.

"Huh? That doesn't sound right." He said, with a knowing look.  He immediately stopped when he heard the sound of the screen door open again.

He turned around and there stood a very uncomfortable Mrs. Black.  She was wearing a semi-large t-shirt that went down to her knees and thin, oversize sweat pants.  The only good thing that could be said of her outfit was that it matched.

She was not in the best mood and she was holding a cigarette in one hand and her Jackie-O sunglasses in the other.  She had no makeup on and her hair hung loosely around her face.  Her skin looked pale, the color had almost completely faded that it clashed with her chocolate brown hair.  She wasn't that heavy.  It was all baby weight.   Her breasts were a bit larger, and her hips a tad wider.  Her cheeks were puffier, but not by much.  Diana was never prone to gaining weight in her face.  

She didn't look healthy.  She was worn and tired.  Simple tasks left her overexerted.  She complained of headaches, sharp pains that plagued the psychological nerves of her mind.  She was mid-way through her second trimester, and still lacked the joy of an expecting mother.

Lily just looked at Sirius, who shook his head in return.

"Hi Lily." She said, walking over and kissing her on the cheek.  She took a sip of her drink.

Sirius looked at his wife wide-eyed but she dismissed him.  Then he went in front of her and snatched the cigarette from her hand with an attitude.

"Hey!" she screeched.

"No." he simply said, and threw the cigarette to the ground.  Then he squashed it with his shoe.  He did this quite often where she was concerned.

"Ugh." She said and put her hands on her hips.  "You didn't have to filch it like that.  If you would have asked me to I would have—"

"No you wouldn't have.  I have been telling you that it isn't healthy for you to be smoking while you're pregnant."

"How would you know? Are you a bloody doctor?"

"Stop it you two." Lily said as she came between them.   Diana huffed again and then walked over to Nicole.  

"Do you see what I have to put up with?" Sirius said, pointing to her.  Lily just shrugged.

"Oh come on, admit that you love it when she's like this." Lily said, mischievously. 

"Oh please.  And why would I love being treated like shit?  Every day the same goddamn argument."

"Because you get to chase her, you know, work for her affections.  And she's not treating you like shit.  She loves you.  She doesn't mean any of it."

Sirius thought about what she had said for a minute.  He came to the conclusion that she was right, but he was annoyed nonetheless.  "I never thought about it like that."

"Ah yes. The drama that comes with a wife like Diana Renton." She said, looking back and forth between Diana and Sirius.  "So much contemplation."

Sirius simply snorted and nodded his head.  "Yea." He said, smiling as thoughts of a family entered his mind.  A little girl like her, daddy's girl, with a sweet smile and wild black hair.  Or a little devil, a monstrous little boy who would probably bring them to tears the first couple of years, but grow up to be a man.  A man with her cleverness and his strapping good looks.  Then he looked at her, and by her countenance he saw that the thought of a family, their family, was unspeakable, and unwanted.

After a time more people started to arrive.  Alice and Frank came, carrying some gifts.  Frank took over the barbecue because Sirius didn't feel like doing it and James and Remus didn't know how.  James couldn't cook anything if his life depended on it.  Growing up with house elves and money made him slightly inept to the real world.

 The Weasley's were next to arrive, all seven of them.  Bill and Charlie were in Hogwarts already, and the twins, Fred and George, were only a year old.  Percy was almost three.  

As soon as they set foot in the backyard the party seemed to come alive with the yells and screams of children.  They occupied themselves quickly.  The twins thought it would be incredibly amusing to attack Remus' legs and refuse to let go for about twenty minutes.  He got used to it, however, and began jogging in wide circles around the back of the house.  Nicole stared at him with adoring eyes as he looked to her for help.  She thought about what a great father he would be.  But her expression soured at the impossibility.

After saying hello to Molly and Arthur, Lily went right over to Bill and Charlie.  She called Diana over as well.  Diana's mood brightened a bit when she saw them.  There were even fragments of a smile.  She and Lily had babysat them when they attended Hogwarts, and they became friends with the oldest Weasley boys.

Charlie ran to Diana first and hugged her.

"Ana!" he screeched, even though he was a first year at Hogwarts.  She laughed at his childishness.

"Well hello Mr. Weasley." She said, hugging him.  When she released her grip she surveyed him.  He was almost her height.  She couldn't believe it.  "My, my how big you've gotten."

He cooled down his demeanor and shrugged.  "Yea. Well you know, I had to grow up sometime."

"Now don't go making me feel old." she said, pointing a finger at him.

"Oh, wait 'till you see what I bought you for your birthday, oh ancient one." He said, sarcastically.

"Oh god, what is it?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

"Hold on.  Bill, shall we give the girls their presents?" he asked his older brother.  

"I think so.  Hello Diana." He said, and they too hugged.  

"Bill." She said.  His voice had deepened, and she gave a quick glance to Lily, who just shook her head.  Bill had started Hogwarts the year they graduated.  "You know it is so not fair how old you are."

"Yep.  You two are old farts by now.  And look at you, ready to grace the world with another Renton, or worse, another Black." He laughed at his own wittiness.  

"Very funny." Diana said, raising an eyebrow at him.

"So where are our presents?" Lily asked, changing the subject.

"Mum!" Charlie yelled to a very preoccupied Molly Weasley.  She was trying to catch Percy, who was running around with the barbecue spatula.  She got up to look at what her son could possibly want.  He mouthed 'presents' to her and she pointed to her bag, which had been placed on a nearby chair.  They walked over to it and pulled out two shiny mahogany canes.

"Here you go ladies." Bill said, proudly.  Just by looking at them they could tell they had made these themselves, and with great care.  Lily and Diana just looked at each other, half disgusted, and half touched.   They looked to the side of their respective presents and saw their initials engraved.  Lily's read L.E.P, while Diana's read D.R.B.

There was one card for the both of them.  Diana opened it and read it silently.  Lily read along with her.  It said: Happy 23rd Birthday, to our two favorite old ladies.  Love the forever young and handsome, Bill and Charlie.

Lily and Diana both thought the same thing.  They looked at each other again, and then at the boys.  The boys them became a tad nervous, but ran like the wind when Lily and Diana started to dash after them.  However, as soon as Diana picked up speed, she had to immediately stop.  Her body couldn't handle it. This upset her greatly.  She so wanted to participate.

They circled the backyard three times, with Lily gaining on them.  Lily successfully caught Charlie, but Bill was unstoppable.  She was panting and parched when she joined Diana, ten minutes later.  She grabbed a seat next to her.

Bill and Charlie walked over to them, disappointed.

"Sorry boys, but we old ladies need to take a rest." Diana said, putting on her sunglasses.  They shrugged at each other, and nodded understandingly.

"Alright.  We'll bring you back some prune juice." Charlie said.  Then they went to occupy themselves with something else.

"I missed those boys." Lily said, putting her feet on the chair in front of her, while leaning back on another.

"Yea."  Diana smiled, remembering the days of paint ball fights and food experiments gone horribly wrong.  Those were the good times, the innocent times.  The time before Voldomort, the time before death and suffering.  A time of hope.

"What's the matter Diana?"  Lily said, somewhat out of the blue.  "Sirius and I are worried about you." 

Diana sighed, coming back to reality.  "Yes I know."

"So why are you asking this way? Huh?  Listen to me Ana." Lily said, inching closer to her.  She put a hand on her shoulder.  "I know what you are feeling now."

Diana took of her sunglasses and glared at Lily angrily.  Diana felt this coming on, and gently removed Lily's hand from her shoulder.  She felt like screaming 'How dare you!', but she didn't.

"Ok, maybe I don't know, but I understand.  I know you don't need anything worse to happen.  I know that, this, a baby, is not what you want—"

"Oh Lily come off it!" Diana spat.  "I am not in the mood for a god damn pep talk."

"I am not trying—"

"Oh please." Diana began to chuckle.  "You have no idea what I am feeling and don't pretend that you do.  You think just because you and your precious James are all fine and perfect that you, once again have the right to give me advice.  But answer me one question Lily, since relationships seem to be your forte lately. " She said, her voice slightly rising.

"Ugh, what?" Lily said, somewhat offended, but she knew Diana was prone to mood swings.  Consequently enough, she just sat back and listened.

"Did you even bother to find out who the woman was who actually distracted James long enough to cause him to fuck her, or did you just forget about it like a good little wife?" she said this louder than she should have.  "I figured I should ask, because well, you seem so happy." She said, her words leaving a sharp pain in Lily's heart.

Lily stared at her, dumbfounded and embarrassed.  She certainly wasn't expecting that.  She put her hand over her mouth and got up.  What Diana had said was cruel and she knew it.  Diana didn't care.  She was too hurt, too nervous, too confused to care about anything other than her condition.  She sat there, and watched Lily leave.  She saw her run in the house, just as Peter was arriving.  Diana put her sunglasses back over her eyes, when she saw Sirius stand in front of her, blocking the sun.

He had his hands on his hips and looked positively livid.  Their brief conversation wasn't exactly secret.  Sirius was only a few feet away.  He also heard, and what somewhat hurt by the fact that Lily said Diana did not want a baby.   It just seemed so much more horrid when it was spoken aloud.  All of his hidden queries seemed correct, and he hated her for it.

"What?" Diana asked, looking at the ground.

"Can talk to you for a second?" he said, trying to sound casual.

"Um, I don't think that would be a very good idea." She said in a monotone voice.

"Get up Diana." He ordered.

"I most certainly will not."

"If you don't get yourself up, I will." He said, sighing.  She didn't move.

This infuriated him even more.  Then he yanked her up despite her protests.  She was dragged into the kitchen and practically thrown against the counter.  When he let go, she grabbed her arm.  He felt terrible, so he simply sighed and shook his head at her.  Diana felt bad as well.  Guilt was not something she liked feeling, nor felt often.  She was feeling a lot of things she didn't want to feel.

 "How could you be so heartless?" he said through his teeth.  She shrugged.

"Someone had to say it.  You know who it is and you won't open your stupid mouth."

"I am protecting her, unlike some people who only give a shit about themselves."  This argument was incredibly overdue.

"Oh now you're just trying to piss me off.  You know that it's not even remotely true.  If you haven't noticed, dear husband, it is eating her away!"

There is a pause.  Sirius sighed.  "I didn't know that."

"Well you don't know a lot of things." she said, crossing her arms.

"Uncalled for." He said, and did the same.  "What things don't I know?" he asked, rather curiously.

"Shut up.  It's not important.  And you do know, don't you? You've seen her face." She asked, pretending she didn't hear him.

"Yes, yes I have.  But—"

"Tell me who she is." She demanded.

"No." he said, walking over to the refrigerator.  "You'll tell her."

"You're damn right I will.  She needs to know."

"No, no she doesn't."  He said, grabbing some mineral water.  "Believe me."

"And why not? If you ever cheated on me I would want to know."

"I would never to that, and you know it." he said, opening the bottle with his fist.

"Yea well, Lily thought she knew that too." She said, uncrossing her arms.  "People don't always trust what they know, no matter how certain it may seem.  How do you know that one day in the future you might slip and--"

"Diana, you know how much I love you and how much I respect you.  I would never.  I just can't see myself with anyone other than you." He poured some of the water in a glass and handed it to her.  She took it and shrugged.  He was no longer angry, just frustrated.

"Well what do you think that says about James? Do you think he doesn't love her enough? Do you think he doesn't respect her?"

"Well, uh—"

"See.  That doesn't matter.  No one knows what the future will bring, or what it will take away." She said, absentmindedly rubbing her stomach.  Her anger melted too.  Now she just seemed solemn.  "Things don't always turn out the way we want them to Sirius."

Sirius stared at her.  She seemed to be off somewhere in her own thoughts.  It was so hard for him to anticipate her next emotion.  

"Like what?" he whispered.  She became fidgety and turned around, not wanting to look him in the eye.

"Nothing.  It was just a hypothetical, that's all." She lied.

"Don't lie to me." Sirius said as he shook his head.

She turned around to face him.  She knew he saw right through her.   "Tell me." He said.

"I……I can't." she said, trying not to blink.  If she blinked, he would have seen her tears.

All he could do was watch her, hurt and confused, and he buckled.

"Alright." He said, hoping it would calm her down.  "If I tell you, I need you to promise me you won't tell her.  She has to figure it out on her own, alright?" he said.  He walked over to her and pulled the wild strands away from her face.  She let him do it.  

"I don't know."  She was hesitant.  

"She'll figure it out. She just needs to look at the obvious clues. In fact I'm surprised she hasn't figured it out already."

"Lily said something about knowing her. Do we know her?" she asked, quizzically.  She was calmer now that the attention was focused on Lily once again.

"Yes." He said.  

"Well?" she asked.  "Who is it?"

He then whispered a name into her ear.  Diana pulled back in surprise.

"No." she said, disbelievingly.  Sirius nodded uncomfortably.  "But, but……why?"

"Hell if I knew---"

"It doesn't make sense.  Talk about going backward." She said, not listening to him.  "She is just so……so……..Ugh! I can't believe he could go back to her, even for a little while.  And Lily…." She took a gulp of her water, flinched and threw it into the sink.  "She's not going to take it well."

"I know." Sirius said, shaking his head.

"I am disgusted." She spat, getting annoyed at James now more than ever.  She began to make her way to the stairs.  Lily had presumably gone up there to get away from her.  She climbed them two at a time.

"Diana!" he whispered loudly.  She turned around.

"Don't tell her!" he said.  She nodded reluctantly and walked down the hallway.  

She expected to hear some crying or at least heavy breathing.  She heard none of that so she searched from room to room, peaking in doorways until she came to Remus and Nicole's bedroom at the far end of the hall.  The door was open and Lily was standing there, facing the window, and looking out onto the backyard.

Diana hesitated before walking in.  She didn't know if Lily was still angry or hurt.

"Lily?" she asked, and then knocked on the side of the door.  "Listen—"

"I don't want to hear it Ana, I know." She sighed.  "I am an idiot."

"No I was being—"

"Nope, you were right.  You'd think I would have known by now, its been long enough.  I guess I thought if I pretended for a while it would all disappear.  Like a bad dream or something."

"Lily, I had no right to say that to you." Diana said, more like herself.  "It's just these hormones—"

"Don't make excuses, Diana, I know.  And don't think I haven't tried finding out, I have." Lily said.  "But I don't know if I want to know anymore."

"Why not?" Diana said, walking closer to her.  Lily put her hands in her pockets.

"Because he has just been so great." She said, fidgeting.  "And I'm happy." She cracked a small smile, as if recovering a lost memory, or remembering a recent kiss.  

"I'm glad honey." Diana said, trying as best she could to apologize without actually doing so.  "Listen, I am a bitch.  I know that.  I shouldn't have yelled, it's your prerogative whether you want to know or not.  Have you even thought about it, I mean really thought about it?" she said, trying to trigger something in Lily's brain, something that would make her see what was staring her in the face.

"All the time.  See that's the thing, you would think I would know by now right?  I don't know.  All I know is that she is right in front of me and I just can't see her." Lily said, pulling her hands out of her pockets and tugging at her hair.

Diana figured she should change the subject for fear she might slip.  She didn't want to see Lily dwell on this.  She figured that, if she knew that woman, she would show herself in time.  She knew she had that much integrity.

Diana glanced out the window.  Moody had arrived, much to their surprise.  He was carrying something, actually four things, in a large sack.  

"Our awards." Lily said, looking at the same thing.  She smiled.

"Its about time." Said Diana.  "It's only been, what, two months since it happened?"

"Three." Lily clarified.

"Right."  Diana said, reluctantly remembering.  Her expression suddenly soured.  Lily saw her shudder.

"Diana?" Lily said, distracting her attention.

"What do you say we go back down and say hello." Diana said, averting her eyes.

"What happened that night?" Lily asked, not moving.  Lily had never really asked until now.

Diana started to walk towards the door.  She turned and stared at Lily blankly.  She inattentively clutched her left arm.  "What are you talking about? You were there." She said, as if it was nothing.  She proceeded to leave again.

"Yes, but……..Diana what happened in that ambulance?"  Diana stopped short.  "You never did tell me."

"I'll see you downstairs Lily." She said, without feeling.

"Diana—"

"Not now." Diana said, cutting her off.  "The food's ready, I think, and I'm starving." She said and forced a smile.  Then she disappeared from Lily's view.

Lily chose not to go down just yet.  She wasn't finished thinking.  She stared out the window again.  James was playing with George on the lawn.  Or was it Fred? She didn't know.  She smiled at him, thinking he would be able to see her.  He didn't.  She saw him remove his glasses, rub them, then put them back on.  His disheveled hair was drenched in sweat, but not once did he show that he was uncomfortable.  He didn't want Molly to have more work than she already did.  She was lying next to her husband on a large picnic blanket, apparently sleeping.

Remus and Nicole were on the other side of the yard, playing with Percy and the other twin.  They were laughing and smiling.  Lily thought airily what great parents they would make.

Lily's eyes wandered over to the drink table to where Moody and Sirius were standing, and chatting.  She couldn't tell what they were talking about, but she noticed Sirius look at his watch several times.  He was also looking past Moody from time to time, and then looking over his shoulder towards the screen door.  After about a minute, Moody went to get some food and left Sirius alone.  While his back was turned she saw Diana walk through the screen door.  She stopped for a few seconds, scratched her head, and then crept up behind him.  She took her right hand and placed it on his shoulder.  Sirius tried to act annoyed as he turned to face her, but when she whispered something in his ear, he couldn't.

Lily closed the curtains of the window, tired of observing.  It was just wasting time.  The room was dim.  Shadows slithered across the walls.  She tried not to think about anything.  She was just stalling.  

She got up and walked over to their dresser.  There was an unmarked book sitting on the top, and she took it to be a photo album.  She didn't bother to look through it.  She didn't feel like reliving anything.  She wandered over to the bed in the corner of the room.  She swung over one of the bedposts and plopped down onto the thick, cotton bedspread.

Before her head hit the pillow, an image flashed into Lily's mind.  It wasn't a name.  It wasn't a face.  It was a peculiar image actually.  The handwriting, the kind in the letters.  She had seen it so many times, in her head that is.  She was permanently fixated on it.  She didn't know what about it she dwelled on, or why at that particular moment it had hit her.  But she felt that she had seen it elsewhere too.  

Now her mind was racing.  Where? Where had she seen it, it was so obvious but where?  She felt she was so close, so close that she began to sweat.  She had gotten up from the bed, practically jumped.  

Come on Lily, come on, she thought.  She was shaking her arms and cracking her neck, pacing back and forth.  After about ten minutes her thinking was tired.

"Shit!" she said out loud and slapped the wall in frustration.  Then her eyes fell once more on the photo album.  'She knows me I know it.' she thought.  She remembered saying that.  She had forgotten the girl's initials; the letters had been thrown out.   She practically ran to it and threw it open.  It was from school.

There were useless pictures in the beginning.  Remus and Nicole in the Great Hall, Nicole and Remus by the lake, Sirius and Diana studying in the common room, everyone laughing in the common room, Peter and Katrina when they dated, the three girls, the four boys.  After a while she had given up.  This is useless, she thought.  She continued to flip……Sirius and Lily, James and Lily, Lily, Diana and Narcissa, the Quidditch team, James and Sirius..…. 

Hold on, she thought.  She flipped back two pages:  Lily, Diana and Narcissa….Odd picture, she thought.  They were outside, in front of the school.  Diana and Lily had their arms linked while Narcissa stood next to them with her hands behind her back.  She remembered Nicole saying that she wanted her in the picture so she could remember her.  It was the last day of school.  Lily had been engaged for about thirty minutes when this picture was taken.  

She stared at Narcissa, quite intently.  She raised an eyebrow at the photograph.  A picture is worth a thousand words, she thought.  The handwriting flashed into Lily's mind once again, but this time she saw herself not in her kitchen, but in the library with Narcissa.  Narcissa was never very good at Charms, she thought once again.  Suddenly she put two and two together.

_*…..I know you love me. You told me so, remember?*_

Lily gasped out loud.  The letters, she thought.  She had practically tattooed them into her mind, and she knew every word instantly, and just like that they came flooding back to her.

_*Things aren't well at home…..I need you………I realize I've always needed you.*_

Lily couldn't breathe.  She felt her head growing hot.  She actually thought she might faint.  She stared at the picture again.  She started speaking the passages out loud.

"I can't live like this……." Lily began, hearing Narcissa's voice in her head.  "Please don't leave me…..I need you……you love me, you told me so……"

Lily fumed at the thought, running her hand though her hair and practically pulling it out by the roots.  She got up and walked towards the mirror.  She stared into it, tugging at her hair still, her eyes growing so salty they burned.  

"Always and forever…." She whispered.  "N…….B………" Lily hissed the last letter with absolute hatred.  That was it, she realized.  It was clear as day.

Lily shut her eyes in disgust and private humiliation.  She grabbed her stomach, feeling like she was about to vomit, but the feeling never reached the point where she had to.  Her room spun around but she straitened up anyway.  She wanted to slap herself for being so naïve and stupid.  It was right there, in front of her face the whole time.  

She had seen her, less than an hour after she had read those words, and again the next day.  She was staring, Lily remembered.  James refused to acknowledge that she was even there.  Narcissa seemed hurt by it.  Of course, Lily thought.  Who wouldn't be hurt by a reaction like that?  Narcissa had been married to Malfoy for what seemed like forever that Lily had forgotten her maiden name.  It was funny; most of her life Lily had addressed her by it, and it also happened to be the same last name as two of her best friends.

"Black." She said aloud, clenching her teeth.   Narcissa fucking Black, she thought.  Gorgeous, blonde, sweet, stupid, predictable, innocent Narcissa.  No, nothing was ever her fucking fault now was it?  James had broken up with her.  Sixth year was it? Lily couldn't remember.  After that she had wandered very willingly into the persuasive, wicked arms of Lucius Malfoy.  Of course, he was still corrupting Diana at the time.  Narcissa was the girl on the side, and now she had fit that description once more.

At that moment Lily didn't know whom she hated more.  Her egotistical bastard of a husband or the brainless whore.  When she couldn't have gotten any angrier she heard a loud and impatient knock at the door

She realized that she had to quickly collect herself and stopped pacing, trying to fill her head with happy thoughts.  This failed miserably however, because all she could think of was James and Narcissa, together, in their bed, over and over and over……..

"Sweetheart?" she heard and shut her eyes.  The door opened slowly but she refused to turn around.

"Lily, are you alright?" James thought she was acting very peculiar.  He walked over to her and gently caressed her arms with his hands, attempting to engulf her in his arms.  She cringed at his touch and shimmied him off.  Instead of turning away he forced her around so they were facing each other.  She was pale, and then he saw it.  He saw the look of distrust and coldness in her eyes again.

She stopped herself from yelling.  He looked at her with his pale blue eyes and she suddenly could not bring herself to scream.  Memories of the night before crept into her mind.  There was so much love there, so much longing and passion.  She remembered how wonderful it had been, and what a beautiful lover he was.  It was something she knew he couldn't fake.  And she knew, he wasn't that good of a liar.

"Uh, no, I mean, yes." She said, trying to hide it.

"Oh." He said, trying to read her.  "Well, the food is ready downstairs.  Thank god Frank is here because otherwise we wouldn't have been able to eat.  Merlin knows I have no idea how to operate a barbecue."

She nodded.  "That you don't." she said, not looking at him.

"So, do you want to go down?  People are asking about you down there." He said.

"Are they?" she asked, not really there.  She had to think about how to react.  She had to go through the motions in her head.  One foot, then the other.  She felt like falling, crying.  She wanted to hit him, hard…….but she didn't.  "I'll be down in a second." She whispered.

"Ok." He said, and awkwardly put his hands in his pockets.  He turned and headed for the door.  "Oh, darling?"

"Yes?" she said, her eyes growing moist again.  He had to leave, now, she thought.

"You don't think I forgot about your present do you?" he said, leaning against the doorframe.

She just shrugged, incapable of complex speech.  "It's ok, don't worry about it." was all she could manage.

"Well," he said.  "I didn't." and with that he went back downstairs and out the back door.

Lily took three deep breaths, trying not to dwell on anything.  It was her birthday, she thought.  She was twenty-three.  She was young, pretty, smart, clever……… she was an adult.  She had done more growing up in the past five years than most people would ever do.  She had no more tears left.  None could express the disappointment and sorrow she felt at that moment.  Suddenly she felt as though she wasn't enough.  She chased him away, and to Narcissa no less.

She descended the stairs slowly, grabbing onto the railing with each step.  When she got to the bottom she walked into the kitchen to grab herself a glass of water.  Instead she noticed a bottle of red wine under the sink.  She pulled out the cork and guzzled it for about ten seconds.  Her throat burned and her eyes began to water.  She squinted and made a face.  It was bitter, but it had done what she wanted it to do.  She felt calmer instantly.

They were gathered around the table in the back.  The awards were opened and in the center of the table.  Lily could tell that each of their names had been engraved.

She walked over to the table and stood next to Diana, on the opposite side of James.  All Diana did was look at her and she knew.  She smiled and Lily returned it, weakly, and it was confirmed silently between the two friends.

"It's heavy isn't it?" Sirius said, picking his up.  "Must be about ten pounds or so."

"And just think, Padfoot.  In a couple of months you'll be carrying this much weight everywhere." James said, patting him on the back.

Sirius smiled at the thought and looked at Diana, who tried not to cry.  He grew slightly sorrowful at her spiritless visage.   She tried to ignore him and sat down.

"Look Lily." James began, and made his way to his wife.  She looked at him blankly.  "Amazing huh?" he said, and handed her the Order of Merlin.  Some wizards would look at it as something honorable, which it was.  Lily thought nothing of it.  She just saw it as a reminder of incidents she would rather forget, but knew she never would.

"Sure." She replied, and took hers.  She stared at the inscription.

                        _Lily Potter_.  Above her name it read _Order of Merlin, First Class._

"First Class," she whispered.  

Then she noticed that the usual Evans in her name was gone.  She was Lily Potter……….not Lily Evans.  Lily Evans was a girl, a child.  Lily Evans was scared and weak.  Lily Evans was pretentious, more so than Lily Potter.  She was ignorant, silly, but Lily Evans knew what loss was.  Lily Evans grew up, quicker than most, orphaned in her blossoming years, her impressionable years.  Lily Evans was book smart, while Lily Potter knew very well the vicious laws of the streets.  Lily Potter could fend for herself, while Lily Evans needed……..him.

But then she realized that there would be no Lily Potter without him.  He had shaped the cold, frightened teenager and made her into the woman who stood before him………his wife.  And that is what she would always be.  Despite what has happened, despite everything they had ever gone through, her love for him ran deep.  It was out of her control.  She knew this would pass, this feeling.  It always did.  But she knew at that moment, that she couldn't bear to look at him.

(Um, yea I don't feel like writing anymore right now. Its long as it is and I'm tired. And writers block is a bitch, just to let you know. Thanks for the reviews! Now click it on the bottom! Love ya!)


	15. The Truth and the Means of Avoiding It

Disclaimer: see previous chapters

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Lily couldn't eat.  She was jittery and depressed and she had a headache that made the backyard spin.   By eight o'clock she had four glasses of wine and a whisky sour.  It was not the best combination and she felt her stomach turn and gurgle when she shifted positions.  The lawn chair she was seated on had to be the most uncomfortable piece of furniture ever constructed as far as Lily was concerned.

Three hours.  That was how long it had been since she had her little revelation.  Three hours of pretending nothing was wrong, actually, three months of pretending nothing was wrong, but now there was a name, and a face.  

James knew something was amiss.  He knew ever since he went to look for her.  Was she crying? He didn't know.  From her expression it didn't look it.  Her cheeks were pink and she kept feeling her forehead to see if it was warm.  Maybe she's sick, he thought.  It happens.

"Lily—" he began, putting his hand on her leg.  She was shaking.

"Excuse me." She said, and abruptly got up and left the table.  

Lily practically ran inside, her right hand over her mouth, the colour completely absent from her face.  Nicole gave Diana a quick look after about five minutes, when Lily had yet to return.  Diana nodded and the two women got up at the same time and went inside.

Without a word they searched the large house quickly, looking from room to room on the first floor.  Nicole found her in an instant, crouched on the ground in the guest bathroom next to the kitchen.

"Oh God." She whispered.  "Ana, in here." She said, motioning Diana over to the door.

The room was drenched with the smell of vomit and alcohol.  Diana sheltered her mouth in an attempt to thwart the smell from penetrating through her nasal passages.  Lily was breathing in and out deeply without picking up her head.  She well knew they were there, but couldn't bring herself to get up.

Nicole slowly walked over to her and put a worried hand on her shoulder, attempting to turn her around.

"Lily." She said, stroking her hair. 

"Don't." Lily grunted.  She sniffed loudly and slowly picked up her head.  She grabbed a fist full of toilet paper and wiped her mouth with it.

"I'll get you some water." Nicole said grimly, as she got up and hurried out into the kitchen.  Lily could hear the sink turn on and the water run.  Diana just stood there.

"Get her something for her head." Diana said, turning over her shoulder.  Nicole nodded and grabbed something quickly from her medicine cabinet.  

"You've had too much to drink." Diana muttered.  Lily nodded consciously.  "This is no way to deal with these things, sweetheart."

"What is the matter with you?" Nicole asked upon returning.  She handed Lily a cool glass of water with several ice cubes, and two unmarked pills, presumably aspirin.  Lily took it gladly, the toilet paper still clutched in her hand.  She answered Nicole with a burp, however, before she cleared her throat.  

"I….I." Lily tried speaking, but words didn't come out. Instead she keeled over the toilet once more and coughed stridently, but nothing more came out.  She had nothing to eat that day anyway.

When the coughing fit ended, Lily plopped down on the cold, hard tile with teary eyes and a migraine.  She took a sip of her drink and popped the pills into her mouth, swallowing in one large gulp. She rubbed her temples agitatedly.

"It'll kick in, just give it a few minutes." Diana said in a monotone voice.

Lily sniffed again and put the cold glass up to her forehead.  "I'm sorry Nicole." She garbled. 

"For what?" she answered, crouching down on the ground beside her.

"I…I……..I don't want to be a……a burden." Lily said, in between hiccups.

"Don't be ridiculous." She said, soothingly as she took the glass out of Lily's hand and placed it on the floor beside her.  "I am just a little confused.  What is all this so sudden distress?"

"Well…." Lily began, sounding slightly more like herself.  "You remember that woman, you know, James' girlfriend?" Lily said, pulling her hair back and twisting it between her fingers.

"Um, no.  When?" Nicole asked.

"I think what she wants to say is mistress." Diana chimed in.  "As in, most recently."

"Alright.  And what about her, dear?" Nicole said, looking at Lily awkwardly.

"Lily knows who she is, and judging be her state, she wasn't happy with her conclusion." Diana said.

Lily confirmed this by nodding.

"Oh, damn." Nicole said, shaking her head.  "Who was she?"

Lily hesitated, as if speaking that name would cause her to have some sort of breakdown.  She opened her mouth but no words escaped her lips.  It was certain she had some tears left after all.

"Don't make her say it." Diana said, softening at Lily's reaction.  "Come here, I'll tell you."

"You knew?" Lily whispered as she jerked up her head.  Her eyes had the look of disloyalty in them.  Lily had felt she couldn't trust anyone anymore.  She started to get up, but couldn't balance herself on her legs.  "I knew it." She said, through her teeth.

"No, no." Diana said frantically.  "I found out when you did, a little before.  Don't go all crazy on me Lil, I am not against you."

"Tell me." Nicole said, a little impatient.  Diana looked over at Lily and she nodded, granting permission.

"Alright.  Do you want me to whisper it or can I speak it aloud?" Diana said, taking into account Lily sensitivity.

"I don't give a shit." Lily angrily mumbled.

"Hold on, I think I know." Nicole sighed.

"Ok….." Diana said, inquisitively shaking her head.

"It's Narcissa isn't it?" Nicole said, extremely cautiously.

Diana and Lily looked up at her, shocked.

"How the hell did you figure that one out?" Diana asked.  "Even _I_ had to be told." 

Out of the three, Nicole was the only one who knew nothing about her.  But Nicole was far from stupid.  She had seen the signs everywhere.  She had heard them describe her, when Lily first found out, that day in Muggle London.

Nicole just shrugged at them.  "Who else could it have been?"

Lily almost chucked at Nicole's response.  She found it rather funny, that she was the only clueless one among them.  Her confidence dropped to the lowest degree.

There was silence.  No one knew what to say, so Diana walked over to Lily, crouching down next to Nicole.  She had some difficulty though.  Her backed ached a little when she plopped down on the ground.  Lily looked away from the both of them, but Diana grabbed her hand and forced her into a hug.  

Lily began to sob.  She hugged Diana tighter, making the corner of her shirt damp.  Diana started crying too, against her better judgment.  She didn't know who she was crying for, Lily or herself.  She lightened the grip on Lily and Nicole joined them.  The sight of her two best friends on so much pain made her heart break, and the three just sat there, bawling on the floor together, letting out whatever was building inside of them for so long.

"What is happening to us?" Nicole whimpered.  Their grip became looser as they tried to stop.  Nicole rubbed her eyes with the bottom of her shirt.

"I don't know." Lily whispered.  "Everything's just……."

"We are so pathetic." Diana said, sniffling.  "Look at us."

"We're a mess." Nicole said.

"Girls?"

They turned around abruptly, suddenly embarrassed.  Peter had come in to use the bathroom.

"Peter." Nicole said, trying to sound the least bit cheerful.  She cleared her throat.  "How are you?"

"Uh…..fine.  What's going on?  Do you want me to get someone?" he asked in one short breath.

"No!" the three said at once.

"Everything's fine Peter, really." Nicole said, wishing he would leave.

"Are you sure?" he asked, hesitantly.

"Yes." Diana said, rubbing her eyes.

"Um….alright." he said, not believing a word they had said, but Peter wasn't going to ask questions.  "Is there another bathroom down here or—"

"Oh, right.  Um, there's one upstairs.  It's the first door on your left." Nicole said.

"Thanks." He said, and with a reluctant smile he left.

"That was annoying." Diana said, sighing.  "Talk about bad timing."

"Yea." Lily said.  "Oh, what am I going to do?" she asked shaking her head.

"With James?" Nicole asked.  Lily nodded.

"It's just……I can't……How could he do that to me?" she said, banging her fist on the toilet seat in aggravation.

"Lily, we've been through this." Diana said.  

"But why her?!" Lily cried.  "Anyone but her!"

"But I thought you liked her." Nicole said.

"I did! Until I found out she was fucking my husband behind my back.  Friends don't do that!" she screamed.  If she didn't take it out on James, someone was going to hear it.  "And that bastard outside trying to be nice to me, when he knows all along……….he doesn't want to feel guilty, that's it.  No, god forbid James Potter feels guilty about anything!  He's trying to avoid it, thinking I'll forget.  Ugh! I could kill him right now!" she yelled, clenching her fists.

"And I swear, sometimes I could smell her, that nastily expensive perfume, and I ignored it.  That……that coward."

"Do you really want to do this Lily?" Nicole asked, concerned.  "It will only make it worse.  If you—"

"She's right honey." Diana said.  "Now come on, get up.  It's not as bad as it seems—"

"Oh, because you would know." Lily chuckled, angrily.  "Sirius never cheated on _you_."

Diana looked at her, and reluctantly shook her head.  "Don't pick a fight with me because you're hurt.  It's not fair."

Lily sighed loudly.  "I know, I'm sorry.  It's just that……why can't I have a marriage like you two?  You guys are perfect together." Lily said taking another sip of her water.

Diana gaped at her.  "Are you kidding?  Oh, Lily, please tell me you're joking." She said, all too seriously.

"Please. He fucking worships you." Lily replied.  Diana felt a knot in her stomach begin to form.

"Lily I think those drinks have gone to your head.  We're not talking about me, nor do I want to right now. Do you understand?  Listen, let's just get up and go back outside—"

"I can't go back out there."

"Yes you can." Nicole said.  She stood up and lightly dusted herself off.  She looked at her reflection in the mirror, checking to see if tears were still visible.  "You both are, right now." She demanded.  "And Diana—"

"What?"

"You have to tell Sirius the truth as soon as possible." She blurted.

"What are you talking about? Truth about what?" Diana asked.

"You know what." She said, nonchalantly.

"Elaborate." Diana answered, propping herself up by hanging onto the sink.

Then Nicole walked over to her and put her hand over Diana's diaphragm.  "He has to know."

Diana took Nicole's hand and gently removed it.  Then she walked over to the door and quietly shut it.

"Do you _really_ want to go there?" Diana asked, clenching her fist.  "And you can't just bring this up.  We were talking about Lily's problems." She said, trying not to sound juvenile.

"You can't avoid this, you know.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.  Did you think that you could just, well, not have children? Don't you think he would have noticed?" Nicole inquired.

"I never said I didn't want children………..ever…….But listen I don't want to talk about it." Diana said.  "Let's just go, ok?"

"Then why did you shut the door?" Lily asked, still sprawled on the tile.

"Ok, well, I sort of have to tell you both something." She said, hesitating a bit.  "Before we go outside.  Now, it's a little off topic--"

"And you're choosing now?" Lily asked.  "This is a little random." Her headache medicine hadn't kicked in yet.

"Well I have to tell you in private, and this way I don't draw attention to myself and the men don't ask questions." She explained. 

"Alright." Nicole said.

"But you have to swear you will never tell Sirius." Diana whispered.  "Never."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? What if he—" Lily started.

"You can't Lily alright? I need your word." Diana said.  "Both of you."

"Fine." Lily sighed.

"Fine." Nicole agreed.

Diana locked the door and drew closer to Lily and Nicole.  They had their ears open; ready for whatever it was she had to say.

"Do you remember that night? The night of the attack three months ago?" she whispered.

"Yes." Lily said.  Nicole continued to listen.

"Well the next day, after everything had happened I had a talk with Dumbledore in the hospital wing."

"What about?" Nicole asked.

"I'm getting there.  He had given Sirius and I notice of our awards and, well, I found out about this." She said, motioning quickly over her stomach. 

"So Sirius was there? Then why can't we tell him?" Nicole asked.

"No, Dumbledore had asked him to leave the room so he could speak with me."

"Oh, I understand.  Well what did he say?"

"Well, Lily remembers the night before.  I ran into the Lestr—um, a few of the old Death Eaters, and they sort of made the Dark Mark reappear."

"Good lord, why?" Nicole asked, intrigued.

"I think they found it mildly amusing." Diana said, earnestly.  "Anyway—"

"Hold on." Lily said.  "I though you got rid of that thing.  How could they possibly make it reappear?"

"Because I never got rid of it.  Err, that was a lie."

"Well that's lovely." Lily said.  "Let's just lie to everyone." She said, sarcastically, still untrusting.

"Lily, you don't understand.  I can't get rid of it.  There is no way.  I've tried.  You both remember all the ways I've tried." She said, shuddering.  "It's permanent."

"But no one can see it.  It's not still there so how—" Nicole began

"I'll explain.  Dumbledore gave me a potion.  Now, I have to take it every six months.  It's so I can't see it or feel it.  Now no one knows this and it is very complicated which is why he made me promise not to tell.  It is only meant to use on Dark Wizards and if it was ever found, well; I'd be in real trouble.  Not to mention that this is its only use, and if the Ministry ever found out who I was, I'd be in Azkaban for life."

"So that's what he did? He just gave you the potion again? Is it Dark Magic?" Lily asked.

"Well, yes, but………..well, he asked me if this is what I really wanted, you know, getting rid of it."

"Why would he ask you such a question?" Nicole asked, in shock.

"Because………he explained to me the, uh, uses for it.  No there are the obvious ones of course, but……..we are members of the Order now.  We must take desperate measures."

"How will leaving the Dark Mark on your arm help in any way?" Lily asked, extremely interested.

Diana sighed. "Its not there. I can't _see_ it." She faltered.  "But I can feel it."

"What? Are you serious? Are you mad?"  Lily asked, raising her voice.  "Do you have any idea how much risk is involved?  You could get yourself killed!"

"Shhh! I know, I know.  Shut up!  This is why you can't tell Sirius.  If he finds out, he'll kill me.  Do you understand that?  The last thing I need is for him to find something else to be cross with me about.  He won't forgive me.  I promised him………and I am deliberately breaking his trust."

"This is big Diana." Nicole said, troubled.  "How do you know? Have there been any meetings? What if someone comes looking for you?  What if it happens in the middle of dinner or something?"

"Nic, Nic, calm down.  I know how to control it.  It's not as bad a people think.  Now Lily….." she said, averting her attention.  "Dumbledore said that whenever this happens," she said, pointing to her arm, "that you must come with me, especially now.  We have our cloaks, and our wands.  Now I don't know what we do when we get there, but……..well, we'll figure that out when the time comes."

"Ok, Diana." Lily said.  That was all she could say.  She knew Diana was terribly worried, but she didn't show it.  She certainly had a lot of weight on her shoulders.  Lily didn't understand how she could do it.

Suddenly they heard a knock at the door.  They had been in there for a long time.  Whoever was on the other side of it tried to open it and found it locked.  They knocked again.

"What the bloody hell are you three doing in there?" They heard.  It was Remus.  It turned out that they did notice they were gone, but James and Sirius were too afraid of their wives to attempt the search.

"We're coming." Nicole said.  "One minute."  She lent her hand out to Lily, who groaned and propped herself up.  Lily glanced in the mirror reluctantly and wiped her eyes.  There were no dry tears.  She looked all right.

Then the door opened.  Diana had opened it.  There was Remus, but a few feet behind them stood James and Sirius, presumably not wanting to be seen, and looking a tad nervous.  Diana smirked at them.  Were they really that intimidated? She thought.

"Is there something the matter boys?" she lightly asked.

"What were you doing in there?" James asked her, strangely.  He narrowed her eyes at her.  "You were in there for an awfully long time."

"Were we?" she asked, looking back and forth from James to Sirius.  "I wasn't aware." She shrugged.  She felt a bit calmer now that she had at least one heavy item off of her shoulders.

"Where's Lily?" he asked, in the exact same tone, as if Diana was purposely hiding her from him.

"Don't worry, she didn't escape.  Not yet anyway." She said in a mock attitude.  James seemed to be on her hit list too.  She hinted at it.  She strolled over to the sink and filled an empty glass with water.  She glanced behind her to see that Lily was still in the bathroom making herself decent and Nicole was putting the food Remus had brought in the sink. Then she looked at her husband.  He was just standing there.  

"Why so silent?" she said, as she turned back around.  "Don't you have anything to say?" she asked, enquiringly.

"I assume you are speaking to me." Sirius said, walking to the other side of the counter.

"Mm hmm." She replied, gulping loudly and turning around.  "No opinions?"

He shook his head.  "Have a nice pow wow with the girls?  Bashing us horribly I expect."

She smirked.  "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?"

"Well, what else would you have been doing, purposely ditching us?  We were forced to listen to Alice's ghastly wedding plans.  You women can talk until you're blue in the face you know, about things like marriage." He said.  Diana could tell he was tired.  "Lily alright in there?  She didn't look too good."

"She had too much to drink." She replied, off hand.

"You didn't tell her, did you?" he asked, in the midst of a yawn.

Diana shook her head.  "I told you I wouldn't.  I don't go back on my promises."

"Good." He said, as he took her glass, which was now empty, and placed it gently in the sink.  "If you did, I'd have to kill you." He said, jokingly.

"You look exhausted." She said, noticing him blinking furiously, and yawning.  He just nodded.

"Long day.  Lots of stress." He said, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm sorry." She said, honestly, knowing much of it was her fault.  "I didn't mean—"

"No, it's not your fault.  Well, not all of it." He replied.   

She hesitated, then took her arms and wrapped them around his waist.  She clung to him for a minute, and he returned the hug.

"What's this for?" he said, in all curiosity.  

"What? I can't be sweet to you?" she said, defensively.  He raised his eyebrow at her.

"I don't know. I'm a little afraid of you.  You're a little scary sometimes."

"Gee, thanks." She said, even though she knew it.  "But, I am sorry sweetheart. I know I have not been pleasant."  She figured she should be sweet, since she was lying to him and everything.

"And I get a pet name and everything." He said, grinning at her.  "You should lock yourself in the bathroom more often."

"Not funny.  And we were in there because of Lily, not me."  Then she leaned up and kissed him lightly.  

"Well, how long will this charm last?" he said, as she squeezed his hand.

"I don't know.  Say something else unintelligent, and we'll see." She said, kidding.

"And the abuse is back.  That was fun though." He said.  "Good times."  Then he actually saw her laugh.

"Ana! Ana!" she heard and quickly turned around.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley?" she asked, as she saw Charlie run through he doors.  Does he ever tire out? She thought.

"Wanna play Exploding Snap with me?  Bill's acting like an idiot and refuses to play.  But that's because he sucks but it's not my fault he doesn't know how to play, and it's not even that hard---"

"Whoa, slow down." She said.  He was talking so hastily.  "Hey! I thought I was too old to associate with you?" she put her hands on her hips.  "I don't know sir, I never did get my prune juice, and I will need that can just to get over there.  It just might tire me out to the point—"

"Ok, ok, you're not old! You're young, in fact, you look younger than me, but I am so bored will you please play with me?" he begged.

"What are you, four years old?  Of course I'll play with you.  Just stop whining." She said, and yanked one of his ears.  "Where is it?"

"Outside, come on.  It'll be dark soon." Charlie said, grabbing her by the hand and dragging her outside.  He always acted like such a child around her.  She sort of liked it.

They played for over an hour.  Nicole kept jumping in the kitchen because she was so startled.  The sound wasn't exactly discrete.  It was after all, a came where cards exploded.  Charlie, of course, found it hilarious.  Diana had a headache, but didn't show it.  She just liked spending time with him.  He was a nice distraction.

Molly was furious.  The game kept waking her up, and she hadn't slept in about ten years.  Percy started to cry, and the twins were absolutely hysterical.  Sirius walked outside to watch.  The wind was cooler.  It was the longest day of the year, he noticed.

He tried catching the twins, who were attempting to tickle their poor father to death.  Their mother was almost in tears.  He scooped them up, despite their giggles, and dragged them to the other side of the backyard, trying to get them as far away from Molly as possible.

"Keep them away from me Black!" she pleaded, turning red.  Then she quickly laid back down again.  Poor Molly, Sirius thought.

Sirius sat on the grass with them, tickling them until they surrendered.  Even at only one year old, Sirius had the odd feeling that the twins were trying to explain themselves, thrashing their hands about, in an attempt to say 'it wasn't our fault!'

"Why so glum Ana?" Charlie asked, as he saw Diana's expression sour at the site of her husband.  She felt guilty, and she knew that she had to explain everything.  Tonight, she thought.  She couldn't take it anymore.  He was so good with children.

"Nothing, sugar.  Who's turn is it?" she asked.

"Mine." He said, eagerly, and in about thirty seconds the entire backyard seemed to shake as Charlie had won for the fifth time in a row.

**~*~**

"Lily?  What do you say we go for a walk or something." James said, cautiously.  Something was wrong, he knew it, but he didn't dare ask what.

She turned around.  She was the last to leave the bathroom and was sitting on the couch in the living room, thinking.  James joined her immediately but she had refused to talk to him.  Instead she ignored his presence and looked in the opposite direction.  She didn't know how long hey had been sitting there until he spoke up.

"What would be the point of that?" she asked in a monotone harshness.

"I think we should talk for a bit.  You've been awfully quiet." 

"Have I been?" she asked rhetorically.

"C'mon, let's go." He said, and got up and lent his hand out to her.

"Ugh, fine, as long as you're not annoying about it." She said, figuring she might as well do something.

They got up and walked outside.  It was twilight.  To avoid stares from Diana and Sirius, Lily suggested that they went out the front door.  James yet again ran into Sirius' motorbike, and complained for about a minute.  Lily ignored him.  

"Do you want to tell me what the hell is the matter with you?" he asked, impatiently.  "You are starting to freak me out, Lily." He said.

"James, you said a walk.  You never said we had to talk about anything." She said with an obvious attitude.

"I'm sorry, I thought it was understood that when two people take a walk, it prompts them to have some sort of discussion." 

"What do you want to talk about?" she asked, trying her best not to throw him in front of a moving car.

"I just told you." He said, incensed. 

"Oh right." She replied with a sigh.  "Nothing, I'm just not in the best mood."

"Does it have anything to do with me?" he asked.

"Oh no, never, my love." She said, with a hint of sarcasm that he couldn't quite place.

"Lily…." He said, leaning on Sirius' motorcycle.  She secretly hoped it would fall, maybe even crush him.  She dismissed this thought as childish, however, and resumed her grudge.  This was going to take a while.

"I want to give you your present now." He said.

"Now?  James can't it wait until we get home? I am really—"

"No, I've been waiting since yesterday to do it.  And I'm hoping it will, um, lighten you up a bit." He said with a nervous smile.  She wasn't falling for it.

"Well?" she said, quite callously.  Everything she thought before, everything she knew she ignored.  She didn't care.  She hated him right now.  She thought about how he would feel if she had slept with Sirius, or Malfoy even.  But she was attracted to neither of them.  She was actually thinking, as he was speaking, about whom she could sleep with, right then, just to piss him off.

"Well……..it's not here." He said, still confused.

"Then where is it?" she asked impatiently.  "I don't have time for this."  She opened the front door.

"No, darling, wait." He said.  "I'll apparate home and bring it here."

"You take me out here to give me my gift, and then you say you forgot it at home.  You are so thick." She said, rolling her eyes.

"Sweetheart." He said, grabbing her arm.  She didn't move.  "Let's go home."

"I'd rather not.  We haven't even had cake yet." She said, tapping his watch with her free hand.

He sighed.  "Alright." He reluctantly said, and let go of her.  She walked inside, slamming the door in his face.  She walked through the house in a rush, and out into the backyard.  The cake was on the table, and Alice, who was talking to Frank, was lighting the candles.

"There you are Lily." She said.  "We had wondered where you'd gone."

"Well here I am." She said, in her best fake voice.

"Diana! Come here, we're singing now!" Alice called, and Diana got up and walked over to the table.  She was quite relieved to end playing with Charlie.  Her ears were ringing from that horrible game.  She couldn't understand why she loved it so much when she was a child.  That, and Charlie had invented his own version of Your Song, a tune by a Muggle musician names Elton John.  He was singing it at the top of his lungs.

They sang happy birthday to Lily and Diana, Bill and Charlie singing louder and longer than all the rest.  Molly slapped them upside the head for being so annoying.  Nicole cut the cake, while Remus served, and they all gathered back around the table.

Even Moody was sociable.  They all talked and laughed and almost forgot about their troubles for a little while.  The combination of sugar and alcohol seemed to lighten everyone's mood.  Peter actually attempted a joke, which everyone laughed at out of pity, and general intoxication.  The only one who didn't drink was Lily.  She couldn't risk it.  And of course, Diana couldn't, so she made fun of everyone who did, especially Sirius, who had quite the stomach for wine, but not the mind for it.

After about twenty minutes, the sky had grown completely dark and the subject was shifted to the expecting couple.  Diana had decided to take it in strides.  After she had been properly fed, she didn't have the heart to upset Sirius with her negative attitude.

"Absolutely not!" Diana yelled and slapped James hard in the back of the head, on purpose.  Lily just leaned against her chair, folded her arms and listened.  That was appropriate, she thought.

"Why not? I think it's only fair that you name your child after me." James answered, quite offended.

"No offence Prongs, but the day we name a child James Black is the day I have a sex change operation." He said.  His cheeks were red.  He had clearly had one too many gin and tonics.

"And we all know how cross Diana would be being married to a woman." Frank said, his arm around Alice.  "She'd have to turn into a lesbian." He said, and started to laugh.

"You all are so immature." Diana said, shaking her head.  "I would just leave him and marry someone else. That or go on a sex spree. I haven't decided.  Let's see, how much would I charge?" She said.

"Well that's just mean." James said, faking his disappointment.  "It's a good name.  It's only proper to name him after his godfather."

"What the hell makes you think YOU are going to be the godfather?" Diana said.  "The last thing I need is my child to have bad karma."

"Why would I give him bad karma?" James asked.

"I prefer not to get into that." Diana said.  "You're just bad luck." She said, pushing him.

"But seriously now." Peter began.  "What are you going to name this kid?" 

Diana turned slightly red.  "I really have no idea."

"Well, it has to be a good name, a strong name." Nicole said.  "One that people don't forget."

"Like what?" Remus asked, pouring himself a rum and coke.

"How about…..Sirius Jr." Sirius said, lifting his head up in the air.  Diana did her best to laugh at him.  She seriously did not want to discuss this, but she didn't want people to start talking.  She was a very good actress, pretending nothing was bothering her.

"Oh god no." She said.  "I would never do that to a child."

"What are you saying?" Sirius playfully asked.  "What's wrong with my name?"

"Nothing." She said.  "But I can't imagine calling a baby that."

"Oh and what would you call a baby?" James asked.

"I don't know." She said, pretending to think.  "I would rather call him Snuffles."

"Now that's just cruel." Sirius said.  "And it doesn't mean anything important."

"And Sirius does?  You're a dog for fuck's sake.  Since when is that something to be so bloody proud of?" She said.  "Besides, I want this kid to be human, thank you very much."

"I'm human." Sirius said.

"Well, the jury is still out on that one, my love." Diana said.

"Oh is it now?" Sirius said.  "Thanks.  Make me all self conscious why don't you."

Diana actually smiled.  "Do you want to be Snuffles?" she said in a baby voice.

"Stop it."

"Do you? I'll call you that if you want.  It's cute."

"I don't want to be cute." He said.  "I am a grown man."

"Hardly." She said, chuckling.

"She has a point.  You guys don't want a little black puppy running around now do you?" Alice asked.

"Great. One more thing for me to worry about. Thanks Alice." Diana said.

"You worry too much Diana." Moody said, joining in.  

"Do I?" she asked, and narrowed her eyes at him.

He nodded.

"Lighten up." He said.  Diana looked at him as though she had never seen him before.  Either he is making a joke or he can see right through me, she thought.  So instead of contemplating it, she ignored it.

"So what's new with the Potters?" Peter said, light-heartedly making conversation.

"Nothing really." James replied.  "Same, good, boring, you know.  We're not that fascinating." He chuckled.

"What about you, Lil, any little Potters on the way yet?" Peter asked.

She smirked.  "No, not soon at least." She said plainly.

"Oh come on, honey.  We want little Sirius Jr. to have a cousin." He said, taking her hand.

"Well he'll just have to wait, now won't he?" she said, shooting him a glare.

"You'd better be careful, James." Frank said.  "You don't want Lily to slip through your fingers now.  It's easier to run off when you don't have children." He said, making a joke.  His cheeks were excessively crimson.

"Oh, shut it Longbottom." James said, chidingly.  "What ever happened to trust?" He said, squeezing Lily's hand tighter.  He looked at her and smiled.  She returned it feebly.

"I guess it's dead along with chivalry and fidelity." Lily said, bluntly.  James just looked at her.  He couldn't believe how quickly she had altered that day.  Maybe she wasn't as forgiving as she seemed, he thought, vexed.

The rest of the table laughed, except for Diana and Nicole, who knew she was far from making a joke.

The night grew darker, and it was very late by the time people were ready to leave.  Even the Weasley boys had to admit they were tired, and the twins had fallen asleep next to their mother and father.  Percy was on Remus' lap until he too, fell asleep.  

"It is so late." Nicole said, yawning.

"Indeed it is." Said, Arthur Weasley, stretching.  "Molly, Molly wake up we have to leave now and get the children to bed." He whispered, nudging his wife.

"Children? What?" she said, jolting up.  "Oh yes." She said, rubbing her temples.

They packed the children away into the car, an old Ford Anglia, and said goodbye to everyone.  The boys hugged Lily and Diana tightly, as though it would be forever until they would see each other again.  They kissed them on the cheek and wished them a happy birthday once again.  Then the Weasley's drove away, but not before Molly spoke with Remus about 'Important Ministry Business.'

"We'd better leave too." Sirius said, more flushed and tired than ever.  He glanced at Diana, who nodded exhaustedly in return.  She got up from her chair.  She said goodbye to whomever was remaining.  When she got to Nicole she stopped her.

"Talk to him, honey." Nicole whispered.  "You owe him that."  Diana nodded and finished kissing everyone goodbye.  She suddenly dreaded going back to London.

"You ok?" Diana asked, when she came to Lily, lastly.

"Yea.  I will be, just give it a couple of days." Lily replied, twitching. 

"Days? Well good luck." Diana said, hugging her.

"You too." She said, winking at her.  "You need it."

Diana walked outside to the porch with Sirius, staring at the motorcycle in disgust.

"I can't believe we have to ride all the way home, at night, on this……thing." She complained, crossing her arms.

"No choice." He said, before yawning again.

"Wow, Sirius, that is quite the motorbike." Frank said, surveying it.  "Compensating for something?" he laughed.

"You know Frank, you can be a real dick when you're drunk." Sirius replied, before starting it up.

"Where'd you get it?" he asked, pretending he didn't hear him.

He jerked his head to his wife behind him.  "This one right here."

"Don't look at me like that." She said, because Frank was staring at her in disbelief.  "I had no idea he'd care about it more then me.  You should see him, polishes it every day." She said casually.  Sirius started it up again.  It was louder and more impatient this time.

"It was her bloody idea." Sirius said.  "Said it gave me an edge."

"I was kidding." She replied, reluctantly climbing on the back of it.  "You had an edge to begin with.  A rather annoying one really." She said, smirking.  Then they sped off, defying limits, and were back in London in less than thirty minutes, about a quarter of the time it would have taken them to drive.  By the time they arrived home Diana was white with fear.

"You…..are…..the worst driver……in the history of the world……." She said, panting.

Sirius found this exceptionally amusing, considering he was still a bit tipsy.  "Yep." He said, proudly and went inside.

Oh god, she thought.  Either this is going to go really well, or horribly wrong, she thought.  And he wasn't even 100% sober.  I'll wait a bit, she told herself, and went in the house after him.

"I am starving." He said, thinking out loud.

"What are you talking about, you just ate." She said, watching him grab an entire steak out of the refrigerator and begin heating it up.

"Well, you know, all that gin.  It'll make me sober up faster.  You know what alcohol does to you." He said, searching for something to drink.

"Sirius, your not high are you?" she asked, all too seriously.

He began to laugh as he closed the fridge and grabbed a teacup out of the nearest cabinet.  "No, my love, I'm not."

"Hmm, pity." She said, under her breath.  It would have made it easier. 

"Hand me those." He said, referring to the teabags behind her.  She grabbed one and handed it to him.  "Want one?" he asked.  She shook her head, refusing.  Then he reached for his wand, which was on the counter, and heated his cup, which was now filled with water.  It was steaming.  Then he reached in his pocket, grabbed a cigarette, lit it with the tip of his wand, and offered her one.

"I thought you said—" she began.

"Oh right." He said, retracting them.  "Sorry."

"Uh, Sirius?" she asked, trying to make her voice not shake.  She had to get it over with, or it would be bottling up forever.

"Yes? How is my pretty brunette?" he asked, giving her a light peck on the cheek and rubbing her shoulders.

"My god, you _are_ hammered." She said, shaking her head.  " I should have driven home."

"No, I am fine to drive, and we're alive and that's what's important." He said, grabbing a knife and a fork from the drawer next to the sink.  Then he looked at her.  She didn't look right.  "Did you want to talk to me about something?" he asked, leaning against the counter.

"Well, um, yes actually, but finish eating first." She said.

"No, I can eat and listen at the same time." He said, grabbing a stool and putting it in front of her.  She didn't sit down, so he did.

"No, it's ok, it's not important.  I'll tell you later." She said, sighing, cursing herself for being such a coward.

"Ok, babe, but listen….." he began, shoving a piece of steak into his mouth.  It was about a week old, so it tasted a little tough, but he didn't care.  He just made a face, but continued eating anyway.  "We have to discuss how things are going to change around here, you know, once the baby is born."

"Oh, Sirius, not now." She begged, but he didn't notice her hands begin to shake.  "Can't we just—"

"I was thinking about turning my office into a nursery, you know.  That way we can have our privacy.  I can work in the living room and the baby can have its own room.  And once he, or she gets older we can get a house with a yard, and who knows, maybe a pool……"

She was overheating.  It broke her heart to hear all of his expectations.  She had to lean on the counter to keep from tumbling over.  He continued eating.

"…..and we can stop having all those parties at Remus'.  It'll be great, just like it used to be, well, with a kid now of course.  With a big backyard you could teach them how to play Quidditch and I can teach them useful little spells here and there.  Our baby's going to be a little genius like me, and a gorgeous creature like you.  And who knows, maybe I can teach it to transform like me.  Of course, that means you'll have to learn too.  We can be a whole little family: a dog, a cat, and well, uh, maybe a polar bear." He laughed.  He was rambling.

"Oh it'll be great, you'll see dear.  Could you imagine? And then when James and Lily have a child we can all be those annoying little parents who only live for their children.  Parent meetings, Hogwarts letters, trouble making.  They'll have your Hispanic temper, and my Scottish sensibility………."

He was interrupted by a loud sob.  It sounding like she was gasping for air.  She had her hand over her heart, and her face was cherry red.  He dropped his utensils immediately and got up, not knowing what was wrong.  He walked over to her but she pushed him away and ran into the bedroom, slamming the door.   He sobered at once, running after her.  When he threw the door open he found her crouched in the corner of the room, beside the bed.

"What? What?" he asked, frantically, crouching in front of her on his knees.  "What happened, what did I say?" he asked, trying to pick her head up.  It was buried in her hands and she was crying loudly.

"I—I" she began, in between gasps.  "I can't have this baby!" she cried.  It sounded worse when it was finally said out loud.

He was beside himself.  "What? Why? Are…..are you scared? If it's the pain—"

"No." she whispered, shaking her head.  "It's not that. I just, I can't!  I don't want children!"

"I don't understand.  What's wrong, my darling? You _have_ to talk to me!" he yelled, shaking her slightly.

"I can't have a baby, I won't.  I would make a terrible mother.  I lack all feminine maternal qualities."

"You would make a wonderful mother--"

She looked at him with intense shame and put her hand on his cheek.  "Oh, Sirius, my sweet husband…….." she sobbed.  "I'm sorry………."

"Sorry for what?" he asked, incredibly worried about her.

"You are married to catastrophe." She cried.  "A cold, unfeeling, wicked catastrophe."

"Catastrophe? What are you saying?" he whispered, looking at her with difficulty.

"This child." She took a deep breath.  "It's cursed.  Don't you understand?  Nothing good can come from this.  He'll know, he always knows."

"Who?" he hesitated. "Voldomort."

She nodded.  "They'll come after us.  They'll kill us; they'll murder us and take the child."

"Why? What does he want with our child?" he said, a hint of anger in his voice.

"This child……..is the heir of Ravenclaw, he knows that.  He knows who I am.  Don't you understand? He knows, he's waiting, biding his time……..he can see everything.  When I give birth….my baby…..it goes to them.  Not to mention that he, or she, will be the very last Black.  It would be a tremendous asset."

"But they can't---I mean, they can't just—" he stuttered.

"Oh but they can, and they will.  A deserter never gets off without punishment. You know this.  As far as they're concerned—"

"But you've been punished.  Jesus, Diana, you've been punished!" he shouted.  "No one has suffered more than you!"

She shook her head.  "No amount of physical torture satisfies their appetite.  It's insatiable.  They'll keep coming until there is nothing left of me.  They won't stop until they get everything they're after.  Me……….you.  They'll stop at nothing until I am dead, or insane, or unrecognisable.  Oh Sirius………I hate that I brought you into all this.  You deserve so much better than me, you don't even know…….It is selfish of me to keep you."

"Don't you dare talk like that." He said, viciously.  "Don't you ever let them make you believe that." 

"Actually it's quite the opposite." She muttered.  "They hate you."

"They should." He said, gravely.

"I screwed up your whole life……..my whole life……..all because of a girlish crush, a desire……..I was foolish and now I'm paying for it.  My mother always told me….Slytherins are trouble. I should have listened to her." She blubbered.

"Diana, you had no way of knowing—"

"I was selfish.  All I cared about was myself. And then, everything changed.  Lucius Malfoy wanted me.  He wanted _me_.  I was blinded by charm and a pretty face.  How was I to know? How was I to know his plans for me were different? I was special, he said…."

"Diana, I—"

"And then there was you.  You with your bad-boy ways, and your charisma. I loved flirting with you, I still do…….why did you choose me Sirius? You could have had anyone.  I cannot bring you happiness.  We can never have a family………."

"Yes we can." He said, clearly.  "And we will."

"But—"

"Do you think I care about him, about the lot of them? It's you I care about, and I'll be damned if I let anything happen to you.  You're safe with me." He whispered, forcing her into an embrace.  "We'll fight them off, you'll see.  This child is also mine, and I'll protect the both of you until I breathe my last.  I promise.  You never have to go near them for as long as you live.  I'll protect you both, my wife, my child."

Diana's crying calmed and she hugged him tighter.  "You love me too much." She said, half jokingly.  "I don't know how you put up with such a burden."

"Well I chose this burden, and if I were to do it again, I would have gotten to you before Malfoy did."

"But you hated me when I was with Malfoy."

"Maybe a little, but in some respect I have to thank him." He said.  She looked at him like he was insane.  "Well, think of it this way: if you hadn't taken a fancy to him, I never would have seen you as a piece of ass, now would I?"

She chuckled slightly.  "I suppose not.  It's nice to know what part of your anatomy you were thinking with at the time."

He smiled at her.  "I know now it was for the best, and I love you and that's what matters.  What's happened is not important, you're important. And if he was right about one thing it was that you _are_ special.  Diana, you have so many people around who love you.  You are well protected here, and Dumbledore won't let anything happen to us.  Alright?"

She said nothing, only nodded slightly.

"This baby is a blessing, as all babies are."

She sniffed.  "We'll have a pool…….."

"And a house…….we can beat them…….I'm here, I'll always be here."

"I know.  But I don't know if I will."  She tried to get up, but she couldn't.  He got up first, and lent his hand out to her, pulling her up.  "I'm sorry I am so cruel to you, to everyone.  I don't mean any of it."

"I know.  And I love chasing you."

"Chasing me?" she asked, walking over to the bathroom.

"Yes, you know, work for your affections."

She smiled.  "I see."  She opened the door and closed it, sitting on the toilet seat cover.  She breathed in and out several times, thinking.

Everything will be alright, she thought.  Sirius loves me. He'll protect me.  We will have all those things, a house, a family, everything he wants……..everything I want.

She stood up again and looked in the mirror.  I look a fright, she thought, disgusted by her reflection.  She tried cleaning herself off by washing her face with cool water.  She didn't know how anyone could sit there and tell her she was beautiful with a strait face.

When she went to grab a towel off of the rack she stopped suddenly and grabbed her stomach.  A strange feeling came over her, but it wasn't pain, no.  It was a faint thumping, in the pit of her belly, as if something wanted to make its presence known.  The baby was kicking, and as she looked in the mirror once more, she couldn't help but smile.  Her heart lifted and colour had flooded to her face in an instant. 

She threw the door open.

"Sirius." She said, beaming.  He looked at her strangely then walked over to her.  "Feel this." She said, taking his hand and putting it where she had felt the beating.

"What is that?" he asked, strangely. He had never felt that before.  

"Wait, go higher." She said, guiding his hand.  "Do you feel that? That consistent beat?"

He nodded.  "That's the heart." She said.

He grinned the widest she had ever seen it.  "Beautiful." He said, kidding her hair.  "Absolutely beautiful."

(Forgive the mushiness.  Next chapter, since this one is so long, will be mostly Lily and James, since I got this out of the way.)

Kaeldra~ I always love when you review, you were one of the first :) I'm glad you were able to stomach all the romance; I know you're not crazy about it.  Neither am I but it fits here. And yes, you were right about Diana. Dramatic, no? I had fun with that one. Love ya, and thanks!

Lelegurl9~ oh yay! you read this one too! I am excited now! And you thought it was finished, no, it has A LONG way to go just yet :) I am thrilled you like them both.  This one is a continuation of The Things We'll Never Say, but I'm sure you caught that. Thank you for adding both my stories to your favorites.

Feather~ yes, such pivotal moments, but I'm like that :) I sort of answered some stuff see? And Lily's redheaded grudge is back! And well, she's pissed. Love ya! And I'll talk to you soon!

Alexia S. Luclwit~ you are the awesomest, and I really love that you love it! Hell to bike riding in jeans! And I'm glad that I finally got the Click it or ticket bit :)

Ashley~ I am glad that you are so enthusiastic about it! Yea she found out, she had to right :) keep reading, you're lovely!

Senav Shania Gold~ oh please don't cry dear! I know I can be depressing, but they'll get all fluffy and stuff too. About the dirty stuff, I have to keep it PG-13, and I do know I have young readers like you :) you have also been with me since the beginning, and I love you for it :) 

DancinEvy~ thank you! I still didn't answer the present question but I will in the next one, this was getting way too long. And I plan on continuing this story until a little past their deaths, until Sirius goes to Azkaban and Harry is dropped off at the Dursely's, so I have a lot to go, but I love that you think it's amazing. I hope its all you make it our to be :) and thank you for putting me on your faves, I appreciate it :)

Xnedra~ oh faithful reviewer, who even has time to stop and say hello despite all your horrid exams! So this is the chocolate cake, oh well, the mud pie (or whatever you called it) is up too, and I'm glad you like both of them.  I like my work being compared to deserts. I think its quite fitting, and I love chocolate.

Lily's Star~ you gave me 5 reviews at once so I adore you for that! You are lovely, but you overrate me, just a little :)

James Fan~ I haven't seen you lately but if you are still reading then you are lovely too :) I am sorry, however, that you wasted your entire evening to my little story. I do hope it was worth it.  

For everyone: ok, well we all know that Order of the Phoenix is coming out in, well, three days, so, there will be a little pause considering I have to read it.  And, since I know we are suppose to find out a shit load of secrets, and the true identity of certain people, there might need to be a little tweaking in the story, I haven't decided yet.  I want it to be true and make sense, after all.  Hmmm, but for those of you who are going to then I do hope you enjoy it! Have fun, and don't lose too much sleep on it, like I will be doing.  Have a lovely weekend! 


	16. Undercover

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lily slammed the door as she came in the house after James.  The only way she could show her fury without screaming her head off was to use up as much energy as possible without actually hitting him with anything.  He hurried upstairs while she straggled in the kitchen and tried desperately to look for a cocktail.

After about a minute of tearing through the fridge she found an old bottle of Kahlua that dated back to 1970.  She surveyed it briefly and remembered that it was a wedding present from Sirius and Diana, as a joke.  She snorted, but brushed it off anyway and then began searching for a glass.  She forgot about her little bad liquor experience and cheerfully threw some ice into her wedding goblet and poured eagerly.  

It tasted old and bitter, and her throat burned with every gulp she took.  Then she caught her reflection in the window.  She saw herself, 23, alone in her kitchen with an ancient bottle of Puerto Rican rum and disgustingly unsatisfied expression on her face.  

"What are you doing?" she asked, out loud to her reflection.  This wasn't her.  She was not going to get drunk twice in the same day, especially after such a bad reaction the first time.  There were other ways of dealing with this, she thought.  She wasn't going to act middle aged and depressed before her time.  She refused.

"What?" she heard a voice behind her say.  She turned around and saw James leaning against the doorframe, oddly pleased.  He flicked on the light switch.  She hadn't seen him come downstairs.  Since they lived in a Muggle flat, it had electricity.

"Um, nothing." Lily replied quickly.

"What is that in your hand?" he asked, referring to the rum.  "Is that—" he started, walking over to get a better picture.  He grabbed it and started to laugh.  "Where did you find this?"

"It was in the back of the refrigerator." She muttered, uncomfortably scratching her head.

"God, this must be ten years old." He said, looking at the label.  "Sirius gave us this."

"On our wedding day.  It was a gag gift." She said, taking it back.  She gently placed it in the sink.

"Yeah.  It was funny." He said, remembering.  "Well, now that you've opened it how bout pouring me one." He said, taking his own glass.  She shrugged and did so.  

"You're not going to like it." she warned.

"I'm sure I'll be able to handle it." He took a sip and quickly spit it back into the sink.  "Oh, that is ghastly." He said, spitting every essence of it out of his mouth.  "Why on earth would you want to drink that?" he said, filling the glass with water.

"I told you so." She laughed.  "Besides, I try not to be sober around you for too long."

"And why is that?" he asked, amused.  

"You see, I start thinking really hard, and that's dangerous." She was half kidding when she said this.

"Dangerous huh? I see." he said, wiping his mouth.  "What sort of things do you think about?"

"Things I shouldn't be thinking about." She said evenly.

There was a pause, and he looked into her eyes, trying to uncover her emotions without letting her know it.  "You're mad at me." He sighed, and ran his hand through his hair.  "I can tell."

"Yes I am." She said, honestly.

"Well, I am sorry to hear that, Lily, I really am.  I don't know what else to do, what else to say—"

"I don't want to hear it James, I really don't." she said, drained already of the conversation.  "You don't have to say anything.  Just give me few days.  Then, I'll see you the way we both want me to see you.  It just gets harder every time I think for too long.  It always goes back to the same thing."

"What do you mean?"

"I know you try James, I know you do.  And I adore that you love me that much, I really do.  But right now, I want nothing better than to take this glass right here, and jam it right between your eyes." She said, with callousness in her voice.

"You know, honey that—"

"Hurts you does it?  Well good, I want it to.  I hope it hurts like hell, and do you know why?"

"Because I deserve it." he said, unquestionably.  He just stared at her, expressionless.

"Precisely." She said, and hopped on the counter.

"But, Lily, you know…..you know how sorry I am and that I honestly would never—We were doing so good--"

"Stop it! Stop it!" she yelled frustratingly.  He just didn't get it, and she was growing impatient.  "You're caught, and I caught you!  You cannot talk your way out of this, do you hear?  I don't want an apology.  I don't want sympathy, or affection.  In fact, honestly, I only want one thing from you, and right now I am afraid I may be too angry to even enjoy it!"  She didn't really know what she meant by this, but she let it pour out anyway.

James smiled at her, letting her rant on as she pleased.  As long as it makes her happy, he thought, she could say whatever she liked.

"So what you are saying, my love, is that you can't even look at me……but you can sleep with me?"

She thought about this for a moment.  "I'd say that was about right." She said, coldly.

"So you could just sleep with me, without feeling any emotion, not love or tenderness, or even general partiality?"

"Well, why not?  You do it all the time."  He voice was getting lower.  She hadn't the energy to yell like she had intended.

"That's not true." He spit out, rather hurriedly.

"Sure it is, don't deny it.  You are a man after all." She said, airily.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" he said, curtly.

"It means whatever the hell you want it to mean."  She felt weary; she wanted to go to bed.  This day was over as far as she was concerned.

"Mm hmm." He said, rolling his eyes at her.  "Get down from there." He commanded, childishly.  If they were going to talk he wanted them to be eye to eye, even though he was eight inches taller than she was.

"What for?" she answered, and began swinging her legs to bother him.  "I like it up here.  I have authority up here."

"You could think that if you want." He said, shrugging and walking over to her.  "If it makes you happy."

"It does." She said, evenly.  "It doesn't take much."

"Well I would rethink that one." He said, and grabbed her hand.  He intertwined her fingers with his and she let him.  "You're pretty high maintenance."

"No I'm really not. You should know that—"

"I'm kidding." He said, looking into her eyes.  "But do I make you happy, Lily?"

"If you didn't you wouldn't be here, James.  Well, I wouldn't be here."

"But you hate me right now, don't you?  This morning you didn't."

"No, but, I don't know.  It doesn't matter. You've been so…..well, I have enjoyed your company tremendously lately.  Sometimes you just bother me." She said, almost fondly.

"So what is it then? I don't really understand.  You were fine until you came back outside that first time.  Did Diana say something to you, about me?  Did Sirius?" he was getting frantic.

"No, no, don't worry, he didn't betray you." She said, hopping off the counter and heading upstairs.  "He kept your little secret."

"Hold on, Lily, wait." He pleaded, going up after her.  He didn't even want to think about what she had meant by this, but he was certain she knew.  How could she not, by now, he thought.

She turned around in the middle of the stairs.

"What is it?" she replied hotly.  He caught up with her and crouched down on the step she was standing on.  She had no choice but to join him there, leaning against the banister. 

"Please, Lily. Don't be this way now.  You know that if I don't have you I've got nothing." He whispered.

"Yeah, so you tell me." She said, unflinching.

"Lily…" he said, wanting her to soften

"I know." She sighed, complying.  "I'm sorry.  So…..what is it, why am I sitting here?" she said, noticeably changing the subject.

"Oh….yes." he said, smiling.  "I never did get the chance to give you your present.  That is, if you want it."

She had no choice but to smile back.  "Well, of course I want it silly.  Where is it?  We don't have to apparate to it do we?"

"No, no.  But come upstairs and I'll give it to you." He said, getting up and walking into the bedroom.

"There is an awfully unnecessary amount of set up for this you know.  It had better be worth it." she said, getting up and following him.  When she entered the room she was somewhat touched by the decoration.  There were a dozen roses on the bed and a few candles were lit.

She was almost in tears at this hopeless attempt to win her affection. "Oh James, you really are clichéd."

"Thanks for ruining it." he said, smirking.  He came up behind her and put his hands around her waist.  He guided her to the bed and she sat down on it lightly.  James walked over to his dresser drawer and she saw him rummage through it, searching for something.  When he found it he tried to hide it but she wasn't fooled.

"Let me have it." she said, rather impatiently.

"Ok." He said.  "But first……Lily, do you remember that night, when we first got back together, when we had that ungodly fight and you stormed out of Sirius' house?"

"Um, yes." She said, wondering what in the hell this had to do with anything.

"Do you remember what you said?"

"Vaguely." If he kept this up, she thought, they were never going to get anywhere that night.  She couldn't think of a worse way to set this up then bringing up one of the worst painful days she had ever experienced.

"Well, you called me a hypocrite and said I was selfish and that I was the stupidest man you had ever met in your life."

"Get to the point James." She said, rolling her eyes.  "I know what I said."

"I'm getting there.  Anyway, you threw your wedding ring at me, do you remember that?"

She nodded.  Then she glanced at her left hand.  It did appear unnaturally bare without her wedding ring.  She had forgotten about it this whole time.  She was absorbed in other things, more vital things, it seemed.  "What about it?" she asked.  

James pulled out a little black box and placed it on the bed in front of her.  She looked at him strangely, then picked it up herself.  She opened it, and sure enough, there it was.  It had been polished, she could tell, but when he put it on her finger it felt right, like it had never left.

"Re- gifter." She said trying desperately to hide a smile.

"Hold on, there's more.  I just felt that I should give this to you, to show you that I don't want to go anywhere, and I don't want you going anywhere." He said.

"Oh, so it's a leash too? Clever."

"No, darling, not a leash.  But it's different this time."

"The ring?" she asked.  "Looks the same to me."

"Look inside the stone and you'll see." He said, eagerly.

"It's too small. I can't see anything." She said, peering into it.

"Rub on it."

"What? Is a genie going to pop out?" she said, cutely.

"That'd be kind of creepy, wouldn't it?" he chuckled. 

"Mm." She said, nodding.  Then she looked at him, shrugged and began to rub on the stone.  Instantly, an image came out of it, like a hologram.  She jumped back in surprise, but then stared closely at what seemed to be the image of people, like the stone was a movie projector.

As she stared closer the images became clearer and she could tell who they were and where they were.  They were in the Hogwarts courtyard, by the lake.  It was everyone she would have wanted to see.  She saw herself first, soaked and wet in her weekend clothes.  She was shivering but laughing.  She picked up a bucket that was carelessly thrown to the side and she dipped it in the lake.  She saw herself sneak up on her seventeen-year-old husband and dump it over his head with all her might.  He screamed and started chasing her.

In the background she could see Diana and Sirius lying down on the grass, Diana trying to get a tan, while Sirius tried to analyse the clouds.  She saw her laugh at him and kiss him, taking her sunglasses off, while he pushed her hair away from her face.

Katrina and Peter were playing Gobstones a few feet away from them while Remus and Nicole had their feet in the water, hand in hand.

Lily saw James catch her and throw her to the ground while she childishly tried to fight him off, not expecting to win.  He started to tickle her and she laughed like a hyena, all the while getting grass stains and dirt all over her clothes.

She heard Sirius yell, _"Shut up Prongs!"_ before getting up.  Diana followed as they tried to pry James off of her.  When he was off Lily pulled Diana down on the ground beside her, giving her a sisterly hug, which Diana didn't understand. 

_"What's this for?" _Diana asked, and it sounded like an echo.__

_"I just love you Renton, that's all." _Lily said, beaming.  

"Well Lily, you know what they say, God made us friends, but fate made us sisters." She answered.

"That's exactly right." Lily said laughing.  "You are my sister, and I'm glad you're home."

"Me too honey." She said. 

"You look happy."

"I am." Diana said, beaming. "Bout time right?"

"Perfect timing too, with all of us together now. This is what I missed. This is what I wanted."

"Me too, I guess." She smiled, again.

"Isn't this nice?" Lily said.  "Being in love with best friends." 

"It's nice to not get treated like shit is all I can say." Diana said, looking around.  "Wait, where are our stupid boyfriends?" Diana asked, and before she knew it they heard two roars and they were drenched again, from head to toe with lake water.  Lily and Diana tried to get up but they slipped and fell down again in a fit of hilarity.

James and Sirius picked them up, only to be attacked by them again, and the boys running for their lives.  They hid behind Remus and Nicole who had no choice but to join in.  They kicked and splashed to get away but Nicole was forced up by James, creating a puny shield for him.

"Portman, whose side are you on?!" Lily shouted playfully.

"Leave me out of this—" she shouted back, until she too, was covered with water.  "Lupin!" she screeched.

All Lily saw after that was water flying, people laughing and playing, until it became one giant water park and they were soaked to the skin with lake water.  By now, even Katrina and Peter joined in, their game trampled while the boys were being chased by their girlfriends. 

Lily had never seen herself so happy, with wet hair, which was frizzy now, and sagging clothes, finally catching up with James and him grabbing her and kissing her all over.  She remembered that day.  It was a week before graduation, and it was the hottest day of that year.  It was the time when they couldn't get enough of each other.  They were intimate by then, and she loved him.  It was probably puppy love at the time, but she felt he could do no wrong, that he was perfect, and he felt the same way about her.  She even respected him, and he took her seriously.  It was, in her opinion, the best part of their entire relationship, when James had to fight for her.

The reel ended and Lily was taken back to her world now.  Her eyes felt salty she was so touched.  She looked at her hand again, and then at him. He looked like he was about to cry too.

"Oh babe." She said, trying not to crack her voice.  She sniffed once and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly.  "How—How did you know?" she whispered.  

"Because." He answered.  "It was the same for me."

She let go and stared deep into his hazel eyes.  "You're good." She said, before she leaned in and kissed him.  "How did you do that? Put a Pensieve in a ring?"

"Now that's my secret.  I have to leave some mystery for you."

"I think I've had enough mystery for one day, ok?"

"Ok. Happy Birthday, Lily. And I want you to know, anytime you think I don't love you, or don't respect you, I want you to remember. Because I am that same guy, I really am. Just like right now, I see you as that girl."

"Why do you have to do that?" she asked.  "Make me all softy when I really want to be mad at you."

"See, then it worked." He said.  "You know you adore me, even if I can be a pain in the ass."

"Yes, but you're my pain in the ass." She said, jokingly.

"Lucky you." He said, and adjusted his position on the bed so that he was lying down.  It was dreadfully late, Lily noticed, and she began to yawn.

She crawled to her pillow and took the same position.  He grabbed her hand and drew her closer to him, resting her head in the nook of his arm.  She liked it there.  She felt safe there.  It didn't take long for the both of them to fall asleep.  Lily stayed awake longer, thinking about the day in general, and what she had discovered.  

Then she realized.  It didn't matter who she was, James' mistress.  It didn't matter because Lily knew that knowing would just make her more insecure.  But she did know, although she was relieved, yet hurt at the news, that he wasn't faking anything.  She always knew he loved her and she never really did know why.  She figured that after all the shit and all the fights and useless arguments and accusations, that they had once been inseparable.  They had once been James and Lily, one word.  He was her first, and would be her last, she knew that.  And she remembered how happy she was, fully confident about their relationship.  She trusted him then.  He was so hard to trust now because of how many times he had lied to her. She didn't know he was capable of such deception.  

This is what made it so confusing, because if he had changed, then she must have, because she never loved him less.  And if they could survive each other and they could survive this, then they could survive anything, really.  The past months, she noticed, he had tried exceptionally hard to made her happy, which showed he wanted her and he loved her and that they could be as they were, even for a little while.  Sure he was a bit cocky and naïve, but he was brave and smart and funny too.  He had never lost those qualities, even when they fought.  She knew Narcissa would show herself too, in time.  She knew Narcissa to be clingy and she knew James didn't end things well.  But that was another time, and not that night, she thought.  I am allowed to love him tonight…

4 a.m……….The Black Residence. 

Diana woke up in a cold sweat.  She hadn't had a nightmare, and the baby wasn't in distress.  She didn't feel queasy or sick, but she by no means could go back to sleep.  She had only been sleeping for two hours but now she was as wide awake as she could ever be.

She hurried out of bed, careful not to wake her sleeping husband, and went into the kitchen.  She could feel it.  It was faint at first; so faint she thought she imagined it, that she was just being paranoid and overreacting.  It could just be an itch, she thought.

I'm just hungry, that's it, she reasoned.  I just need some food. I am imagining things.  She went to open the refrigerator door and when it was halfway open she felt it again, stronger than the last time.  She let out a painful squeak and jolted backwards onto the counter, clutching her left arm.

"No, not now." She whispered.  The burn intensified and as she looked at her arm she saw the faint outline of it.  It was read with a throbbing sensation.  "No, no, no, no….." she muttered, lightly pounding her fist on the table.

"Diana, are you alright?" asked a yawning and slightly puzzled Sirius. 

"I have to go." She said, straitening up.

"What? Go where?" he asked, edgily. 

"Work." She said, simply, walking past him and throwing off her nightgown.

"Nice try." He said.  "Why now?" he said, getting irritated.

As she grabbed the nearest thing in her closet she shot him a disbelieving glare.  "You know what Dumbledore said." She said.  "I—I'm going to Lily's. We have to leave from there." She was dressing hurriedly, not stopping to look and see if she matched.

"You're not going to—to one of those things are you." He stressed slowly.

She looked at him.  "I have to."

"Oh no you don't! You are pregnant and I'll be damned if I let you deliberately put yourself in danger.  Lily can go by herself"

"Don't be stupid Sirius." She said.  "Lily doesn't know where she's going—"

"I don't like this Diana. I don't want you to go—"

"Well it's not your decision." She said, flatly.  Then she sighed, fully dressed, and putting her hair back.  "Baby, I know that this is hard, and believe me I have more care to stay than will to go, but I also know, that if it was you, you wouldn't go back on your orders and stay in the house like a good boy.  You would fight, which is what I have to do now." She said, extremely professional.

He sighed. "Are you sure?"  She nodded.  "Be careful."

She smiled and put her hand on his cheek.  "I will. If I'm not back before tomorrow morning, go to James' and stay there." She warned, her voice cracking with anxiety. 

"Jesus Diana." H said, worriedly.  "Don't say shit like that."

"Bye." She said, and opened the door waving him goodbye.  He waved back and she apparated on the front lawn.  When she got to Lily's she didn't bother ringing the doorbell or knocking.  She said a simple "Alohomora" half-heartily and ran upstairs.  When she got there Lily jolted up at the sound of the intruder, grabbing her wand from her bedside, which jolted James awake.

"Get up Lily." Diana said, rushing into her room.

"What the—" James started, rubbing his eyes.

"What the hell is going on?" Lily said, unnerved by her sudden wake up call.

"We have to go." She answered.

"What do you mean? Go where?" Lily asked, forcing herself out of bed.

"Good, you're dressed." Diana said, not listening.  "It'll make this quicker."

"Is there a mission Di?" James asked, as he instantly became more alert. 

"No, James, you stay here." She answered.

"What is this Diana? What happened?" Lily said, still clutching her wand. 

"Well Lily." She began.  "Lets just say we are missing a very important meeting……." She said eyeing Lily closely, hoping that she understood.  She did, and nodded silently.  

"Now?" Lily whispered.  

"I don't understand." James said, looking back and forth form Lily to Diana.  "Where are you two going?"

"We'll be back later, James." Lily said, searching frantically for her invisibility cloak.  When she found it she sighed out of relief.  Diana already had hers in her robes.

"Is this for the Order?" he asked.  "Just tell me and I'll shut up."

"Yes." Diana said.  He nodded, although he looked very troubled indeed.

"Don't worry James." Lily said, noticing his expression.  "I'll see you tomorrow."

"And if we're not back by tomorrow morning." Diana said.  "Sirius is coming here to stay, alright."

"Why would he need to—"

But it was too late, Diana and Lily had already dashed down the stairs, ready for whatever they were required to do.  When they got outside, Lily looked to Diana for directions.

"Well?" she asked.  "Where do we go exactly?"

"Well we're supposed to apparate there, but we can't that would be a death wish.  We're going to walk." Diana said, the sweat on her brow becoming more apparent.  She wiped it away with her sleeve.  It was summer after all, and it had to be at least 90 degrees.

"Yes, but walk where?" Lily asked frantically.

"It's not far." Diana said, picking up her pace.  "I'm not going to wait for you, we are late as it is."

"Oh shit Diana." Lily said.  "Um, I'm a little—"

"Don't be silly.  You know I can't do it by myself. I'm scared Lil, I'm not going to lie.  But, if we can accomplish something without being killed, then, well, I think we should stop it and move on.  It's different now, and they won't be expecting anything.  Its not like they'll see us."

"But what if they do?" Lily asked, trying to keep up.  For a pregnant woman she was walking unusually briskly.  Then she stopped.

"If they do. Well, then we just curse until we can't speak anymore.  I—well, I sort of know what I'm doing.  If he's there, which I doubt, then…….we just have to be careful, Lily." Diana took two deep breaths, calming herself down, and continued walking.

They rounded on a street, one that Lily recognized.  It was the street she had crossed months ago, when she had battled the Death Eaters in the middle of this very street.  It was a dodgy street, and there were no cars or people.  The buildings were unfinished and condemned.  It was a dead end too.  Diana looked around, closing her eyes and thinking with all the energy she had.  When she opened them she looked determined and scared at the same time.  She stopped abruptly in front of a particularly shabby door, one that Lily felt she had recognized.

"This is it." Diana said, noticeably shaking.  Lily saw her trying so hard to stand her ground, but she felt she might cripple if she didn't keep her mind centred on what they were supposed to do.  "Alright, get out your cloak." Diana ordered.

Lily did as quickly as she could, looking around her frantically, not wanting to be seen.  When they both were successfully invisible they looked around again.  Diana was the first up to the door.  It creaked open slightly, and Lily followed. 

"Silence yourself." Diana whispered.

"But what if I need to speak to you?" Lily asked.

"Don't. Just listen.  When it's over we will wait behind and be the last to leave, do you understand?  We can talk after.  We can't risk it Lily, we just can't."

"Alright." Lily said.  "I love you Renton." Lily said, shakily.

"Don't be silly." Diana said, slightly chuckling.  "But I love you too.  Silencio." Diana whispered, and that was the last thing Lily heard her say.

As they entered the building, slowly and cautiously, Diana stuck her hand out of the cloak so that Lily could see it.  She groped for Lily's hand and Lily gave it to her.  The cloaks were joined and they could see each other under their own protective tent.  Diana tried to smile at Lily, but Lily could tell she was by no means comfortable in this desolate place.  She hoped to God that they would get out of this, for it was incredibly dangerous.

They rounded a particularly dark corridor when they both saw a light, a dim one, at the far end of the hallway.  Silencing their footsteps as well they drew closer, fearful that their hearts were beating too loudly that they could be heard.  The door was open, obviously and Lily's heart stopped at the sight that met her.

There weren't many, only ten or so by the looks of it, and as she scanned the room, it appeared that Voldomort was nowhere to be found.  This relaxed her a little bit.  Death Eaters she felt she could handle.

They were masked and robed and no one was speaking except for one person.  They were standing, listening fixedly. As they drew closer, but careful enough to stay to the back, they recognized the voice, and from the far corner, they could see the face of Rodolphus Lestrange.  Lily looked at Diana once, whose chest was heaving.  She squeezed Lily's hand tighter for support.

"Now then!" Rodolphus said.  "As I was saying…….." he paused for emphasis.  "What has been happening has been a total and utter disgrace! His Lordship was not pleased." He said as he gulped at the thought, and they saw the crowd shift uncomfortably.

It was then that Lily and Diana noticed that he had a scar than ran down his face, from the bottom of his earlobe to the beginning of his shoulder.  It was only seen when the candlelight flickered a certain way.  It was clear to both of them, that Rodolphus had been punished.  His eyes were also droopier than last they saw him.

"Now, he does not know about this meeting." He continued, his voice trying to sound stronger.  "It is for us only, the original inner circle, all twelve of us—"

"Eleven." They heard a woman say.  It was Bellatrix.  "One of us is missing, well, voluntarily so anyway."

Diana swallowed loudly.

"Right." Rodolphus said, smirking at the thought.  "But no matter……" he dismissed the interruption.  "We had one job to do, and one only.  Now it wasn't difficult.  In fact, it was rather easy.  All we had to do, this one miniscule thing……..kill the Aurors, capture them……." He said, with feeling.  "Make them suffer as they have made us suffer.  Wipe them out, torture them, rape them, anything….." he said.  Then he shook his head.  "And what did we do? We failed.  They wiped the floor with us, why? Because we were careless that's why.  We took our Dark Lord's wishes for granted, didn't we?"  There was another uncomfortable rumble in the crowd.

"Must you speak to us in this way Rodolphus?" the voice of another man spoke, sounding ostensibly bored.  "No one appointed you leader of the circle did they? We are not children.  We don't need to be spoken to in questions." He said, uniformly.

"Well Lucius, when you call a meeting you can speak to everyone any way you damn well please." Rodolphus shot back.

"I'll remember that." Lucius replied sarcastically.  "If I ever royally screw up."

"Boys." Bellatrix said with a sigh.  "Can we get back to the point Rodolphus? I would like to get home before sunrise if that's alright."

"I agree." Scattered people said.  

"We're exhausted." One man said.

"You can sleep when your old, Avery." Rodolphus answered coldly.

"Or when you're dead." Lucius muttered.

"Get on with it Lestrange." Another voice said, one that Lily found unmistakable.  She looked at Diana in surprise, and Diana avoided her eyes.  "Unless you all would like to continue bantering, like children. I say we let him finish, we'll say what we must, so that we can all retire somewhat peacefully to our residences."

"Excellent point Severus." Rodolphus said.  Lily shook her head at Diana, hoping it wasn't true.  Diana rubbed Lily's hand and nodded.  Lily wondered how could he look her in the face knowing something like that, after he made it clear that he cared for her.  Diana firmly placed her finger over her mouth, fearing she might do something moderately stupid.

"As I was saying….." he continued.  "These Aurors are trained extremely well, even harder than we are.  They are intelligent, let's admit, but most of all, they have Dumbledore on their side……..and the Ministry.  Which brings me to my point." He said.  "We, and I think all of you will agree, took the orders a little too lightly, and as you can see, we have paid dearly for it." He was absentmindedly rubbing his neck.  "This cannot happen again, we lost too many over something so ridiculous."

"We got distracted." Bellatrix added.  

"I know, my dear, but you see, we can't let ourselves get in the way of what we must do—"

"Let me get this strait." Lucius interrupted.  "How exactly, Bella, did you get distracted?"

"You weren't there Lucius.  I was thinking of you though." She said, suppressing a laugh.

"Charmed." He said.

"You'll have to excuse him." Snape said.  "He and I had other orders, Bellatrix.  But I doubt you will mind summarizing it briefly so we understand a little bit better."

"Not at all." She said and walked to the front.  She threw off her mask and dropped her hood, presumably so the sound could travel faster.  "Yes, we were thwarted," she began.  "But not before we put up one hell of a fight.  I found it quite enjoyable myself.  But, what my husband neglected to mention was the fact that these little Aurors, these intelligent well-trained beings, are none other then the annoying little twits we all had the pleasure of attending school with.  They neglected their disguises, you see. They were careless as well--"

"Hurry up, Bella." Snape said.

"No need to be rude Severus." She snapped.  "They are unmistakably the most aggravating people, at least, that I have had the pleasure of duelling with.  They are, and this is in no particular order, Frank Longbottom, Alice Ferguson, Lily and James Potter, my dim-witted cousin Sirius Black, and his pretty wife……" she said, smirking.

"I thought we all knew that." Lucius said rudely.

"Maybe you did." She spat.  "But neglected to tell us, hmm?  Like say, she is doing for you."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Lucius said.

"You know very well Lucius that you are only here because she has neglected to inform anyone of your identity, and you have been cautious enough so as to not get caught." Rodolphus said.

Lily shot Diana another look, which she safely ignored.

"That's why we're all here." Snape mentioned.  "Because she hasn't opened her mouth……yet."

"Oh will you all be quiet!" Bellatrix impatiently yelled.  "I don't want to discuss our obligatory gratitude for that blasphemous, unappreciative traitor!  Besides, she won't open her mouth.  Not as long as we have enough filth on her to land her and her unborn child in Azkaban for the rest of her life. Well that, and we'll kill her." She said, offhand.  "And the rest of her faithless family."

"Unborn child?" Lucius said, through his teeth.

"Don't tell me you didn't know." Bellatrix said, smirking.  "I saw her and the Mudblood walking around Diagon Alley the other day.  She looks a she's been hit by a bus." She laughed.

"Ugh, revolting." Lucius said.  "Why she would ever have the baby of someone so, so—"

"Not like you?" Snape spat. 

"Anyway…."Bellatrix stressed, shaking her head in irritation.  "Where was I? Oh yes.  They disillusioned us, but not before we had fun playing with them." She said, smiling to herself.  "Nosy little wretch, our Arabella.  She tried to play the hero, but I made sure she was unable to fight back.  And she was oh so generous enough to give us a little bit of information, which is why I still have some respect for the little whore.  So I guess, in a way, we weren't totally without merit on this mission."

"What did she say?" someone eagerly asked. 

"Excellent question Nott.  Well, apparently, in addition to being Aurors, these little pains in the asses are part of something bigger.  That great old fool Dumbledore actually trusted them enough to form this little club.  It's secret, supposedly, but their mission, get this, is to get rid of the Dark Lord."

A few people laughed, some just shrugged in a subdued manner, knowing it was impossible.

"That was precisely my reaction." She said.  "They, and a bunch of our other old schoolmates and business partners in everyday life seem to be a part of it, but unfortunately, we didn't get any names.  She is trained harder than we thought to fight Imperious, but we got what we needed to know.  Cruciatus finished what Imperious did not." She said, smiling.  "Not to mention my very own brand of torment."

"So what, you, beat the shit out of her?" Lucius said.  "You're not exactly the first to come up with that." He said, sardonically. 

She glared at him. "No, I believe that was you as far as that brat was concerned."

"You're the brat." He said.

"How dare—"

"Bellatrix!" Snape yelled, trying to end the clash.  They both silenced.  "Did we at least walk away with anything?"

She paused to think for a minute, when her husband grunted, and pointed to her robes.

"Oh yes!" she said, getting all giddy again.  She reached into her robe pocket and pulled out a large piece of fabric with silver strands embroidered into it.  "This, my friends, is something I pulled off of that ignominy, Alice Ferguson.  It's a pretty thing isn't it?" she laughed.

"Show them what it does, precious." Rodolphus encouraged. 

"It's a cute little trick, really." She continued.  Then she held it up so everyone could see, then, a tad too dramatic she swooped it in the airs and embraced herself in it, erasing her image from sight.  There were a couple of claps, but mostly praises and sounds indicating awe.  Diana and Lily exchanged one quick look of shock and disappointment, in themselves.

"I think this will come in quite useful." She said; although her voice was the only thing they heard.  Then she took it off, admiring it again.  "We'll be able to do a little bit of spying on our own with it." she said, mischievously.  "The Dark Lord was very pleased--"

"Are you sure about that Bellatrix?"

She gasped, and so did everyone else.  Lily put her hand over her heart in surprise while Diana widely rubbed the sweat off of her forehead.  She was hungry, and the baby was kicking furiously, creating actual pain.  

"M—My Lord." Bellatrix wheezed, glancing at the fireplace.  People started to move away form it, except a select few.  Lucius, Severus, Rodolphus and Bellatrix stayed firmly in place, even though she started to move about uneasily. 

"Now tell me Bella….." he began in a hoarse whisper.  "Why, pray tell, are you all here, meeting, without me?  Are you trying to hide something from me?"

"No—never my Lord!" she said quickly.  "We just—"

"You just nothing!" he boomed, and Bellatrix backed away slightly.  "Insolent fools! Did you think I wouldn't find out that my so called 'devoted' servants were all away from their homes at the exact same time?! Did you think you could hide from me, or that I simply would not find out?"

"My Lord, we were just discussing the problem at hand.  We were just simply—"

"Problem, what problem? You were given specific orders.  If they were not comprehensible then you should have come to me!"

"Yes, but, my Lord, we were afraid that, well, we want everything to go as planned sir, and we figured if we met privately, that it would only benefit your genius sir.  Never would we not include you, oh Dark one.  We simply, are carrying out your orders by planning ahead, as you so cleverly advised us." Lucius said, choosing his words enormously carefully. 

"I see….." he answered.  "Now what is it then, that you are planning ahead Lucius?"

"Well, my Lord." Rodolphus butted in.  "We were trying to recount the events of the last attack, to see where we might improve."

"There is nothing to recount." He said bitterly.  "You failed, that is all there is to it!  It was disastrous, disgraceful…….you were defeated, by a bunch of swaggering children with fancy robes and sharp intellect.  I thought I had a stronger army, but no.  You made me out to be unfair, and savage." He then glared at Bellatrix especially, and when he turned his head, Lily could almost make out what he looked like.

"Did you want to play, Bella?  Did you think you were correct in doing what you did? Going against all I have taught you and unmasking yourself in front of an Auror!"

"But—but my Lord, she knew anyway, you know who she is—"

"Silence!" when he screamed this, the entire room shook.  Lily wondered why the whole street didn't hear, and why no one seemed to barge in.  "I don't care who she is Bella! And…. you also neglected to inform me what exactly that is you are holding! Now if you're going to withhold more information from me at least have the decency not to talk about it with such indifference! 

"No! My Lord I would never—I had planned to—"

"Well it's too late, Bella, now isn't it?" he roared.  "What is it?!"

"It's, um, an invisibility cloak, my Lord."

"And whom did you get it from?" he asked, as if she was a child.

"One of them." She answered.  "One of the Aurors.  Ferguson."

"Ah….very usefull.  Excellent work, even though it was incredibly overdue!  Now that wasn't so difficult now was it Bella?"

"No, my Lord." She stuttered.

"Good……although……..there has been something that has been even more valuable to me.  What is the status on Dumbledore's little fellowship? Has anyone been keeping tabs on anything lately?" he said, curtly.

"Well, um, well—" Bellatrix began.

"We have spies stationed everywhere, my Lord." Lucius said, finishing her sentence. 

"Good……and the girl? What of her, is it finished yet?"

"What do you mean, my Lord?" Severus joined in.

"I mean……has she been terminated, or do I have to do it myself?!" he said, angrily.

"But, my Lord, you said, well, that she must be punished, and death would be too easy sir.  You said that." Bellatrix muttered hurriedly.

He chuckled evilly.  "So I did…..no matter, you know what you must do, correct? I am done giving her chances.  Lord Voldomort shows mercy to no one.  I was lenient, too lenient.  It is a pity.  She had such potential……."

"What about her child, my Lord?" Rodolphus asked.

"The child? The heir of Ravenclaw?" he chuckled.  "Kill the child.  I realize now I have no use for it.  Only the followers of Salazar Slytherin shall live on, as I have said, over and over, but yet again I seem to be speaking to myself!" he yelled.  "Do what you want with her, I couldn't care less…….torture her, rape her, mutilate her, I don't care.  But, I want one message clear.  She will be sorry she deceived me.  She will be sorry she chose the wrong side. But keep her alive.  She has proved useful to me whether she is on my side or against it.  And as for the other Aurors, who have sent so may of you to Azkaban, proceed with caution.  The Potters are quite difficult….the Longbottoms shall be quite easy……it is a loss, not having our second Bella, but we have enough Blacks than I would care to mention….." he said, as his face twisted in disgust.

"We are deeply sorry, my Lord, to have angered you so.  We didn't mean any disrespect…." Bellatrix said.

"Fine." He said cutting her off.  "Go, all of you, I am ending this meeting."

"Very well, my Lord—"Lucius said.

"Oh, and all of you…. keep on the lookout for Dumbledore's little clan, won't you? I am positive they have spies of their own, who have the ability to intervene in our secret affairs.  Be careful for disguises, potions, ancient magic, methods of concealment……….invisibility cloaks…." He said, stressing the last item so coarsely and letting his eyes wander through out the entire crowd, stopping especially at the space where Diana and Lily were standing, immobile by fear and astonishment.

"Yes, my Lord." Everyone said at odd times, and in a small flash of green smoke he was gone.  There seemed to be a giant exhale in the room as his presence had left.  Bellatrix practically fell as Rodolphus went to her side, linking her arm and leading her out the door.

People began to chat as they left, about the meeting and their plans for the next day, and the ones following it.  Their masks were off, and being held firmly in their hands.  Lucius and Severus were the last to leave, lingering a moment longer than the rest.

"Narcissa at home?" Severus asked.

"Yes, asleep I expect.  I didn't feel the need to wake her." He replied casually.

"Has she begun speaking to you yet?" Severus asked.

Lucius huffed. "No, but you know women."

"What's bothering her?"

"I don't know, but I'm certainly not going to force it out of her.  She can huff and priss about whining and complaining about how this is 'not what she wanted' and how I am a tyrant who doesn't love her." He said, as if he didn't care in the slightest.

"Well, do you love her? You married her for Merlin's sake." Severus reminded him.

"I married her because she is a pure blood.  You of all people should understand that. I can barely tolerate Narcissa, always moping about, snapping at me.  But I set her right when she needs it.  All women need it once and a while, to remind them of their place. As for love, well, no woman is good enough for me to love her the way she wants to be loved."

Lucius started walking while Severus lingered for a moment.

"Let's go." Lucius said.

"What about Renton?" he asked.

"What?" he replied irritably.  "Oh her.  Severus, old boy……Renton wasn't a woman, she was a desire, temptation.  She couldn't be controlled.  She was a whore and made it very clear to me.  She wanted me to love her and when I did, what did she do? She let Black fuck her.  No, Renton was by no means a woman, which is why I had to resort to violence to tame her, the creature that she was."

"But you almost married her."

"Yes, well, we all make mistakes.  That was hers.  Now lets go, before the sun rises.  This building isn't exactly bringing me comfort."

Severus and Lucius left, and when their footsteps could no longer be heard Dian jolted forward from their hiding place and threw the cloak off of her head.  Lily stood there, and slowly removed hers too.  They were both drenched in sweat.

"Oh my god." Lily said, breaking the silence.  Her voice echoed slightly in the empty room.  "Diana……"

Diana's knees gave way and she sprawled herself on the floor, clutching her stomach.  

"Diana, he knows……..about the Order."

Diana nodded uncomfortably.

"How could you have done that?" she whispered loudly.

"I didn't exactly do it willingly!" she wickedly spat.  "I'm sorry Lil." She said shaking.  "I wanted to tell you but….."

"Forget it." she sighed, and crouched down next to her.  "They're after us…..all of us, and they know who we are."

"I know." Diana said.  "This is bad, Lily, really bad."

"They have Alice's cloak.  This means that at any time, anywhere—"

"I know."

"That's so creepy, that he knew.  They wanted it to be secret."

"I told you Lily, he always knows.  I'm fairly certain he sensed us here today.  This will be difficult.  We cannot do this again like this.  We have to come up with something else.  Something riskier, but more foolproof."

"Diana……" Lily said, cautiously.

"What?"

"Doesn't it bother you?" Lily asked.

"What?"

"Those things they said? It was awful.  The threats—"

"I'm used to it, this is nothing new.  I told you, they want to make me suffer.  It doesn't matter." She said, getting herself up.  She felt incredibly weary and she needed something in her stomach.

"No, it does matter.  To me.  I'm worried, you should be too." Lily said, getting up also and looking Diana in the eye.

"I didn't say I wasn't worried Lily, I just said I was used to it.  It just sounds worse when it comes from his actual mouth."

The walked through the hallway, their cloaks tucked under their arms, and the sunlight streaming through the boarded up windows.  The door creaked open as it had done before, and they felt a surge of relief as their feet touched the pavement. They started towards Lily's flat with eagerness, not stopping until they reached the door.

"So that's what it's like then huh?" Lily asked.

"Yep.  But that was nothing…."Diana said, seriously, shuddering at the thought of past meetings.

Before Lily could reach for the doorknob it had already been opened quickly by a very worried and tired looking James.  And right behind him, to Diana's delight, stood Sirius, who didn't look like he had breathed since she last saw him.  They both lunged at their wives and hugged them as tightly as humanly possible.  Diana laughed as she saw Sirius' face, so full of relief that he planted kisses all over her face, as if she had just returned from some endless expedition.  Lily thought she saw James tear at the sight of her, as he rubbed her back and whispered to himself, things she couldn't make out.  No one spoke, but James and Sirius hurried Diana and Lily into the flat, thinking there might be the slightest possibility that things weren't that safe outside.  The door was slammed and locked, and no one could tell who was happier to see each other, the apprehensive husbands, or the dazed wives.  But as they clumsily made their way through the house to the kitchen, Lily and Diana were flooded with the questions and conjectures of what had happened, no one knowing who should speak first.

(Whew, done. It I so late right now, you have no idea. I was worried about this chapter, and I didn't reread it so I really don't know if it turned out the way I wanted it to.  Whatever. Sorry for the wait and everything, but I had to read Order of the Phoenix, you get it.  hope you all enjoyed it!,, oh, and don't forget to review…..ALL of you…Bye then, and thanks!)


	17. Vile Methods

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.  Another transitional chapter. I am sorry, but these are necessary :) and sorry for the wait.

James and Sirius hurriedly rushed their wives into the flat with childlike eagerness, practically pushing them.  They showered Lily and Diana with kisses as if they feared they would never lay eyes on them again.

The women, quite bewildered by their husbands' behaviour, followed eagerly as they entered the kitchen, exhausted and dumbfounded by the previous night's events.  Sirius pulled out a chair for his wife, all the while his hands shaking out of discomfiture and relief that Diana was still with him, that she had not succumb to some unnatural fate of death or torturous punishment.

James' heart was still beating ridiculously fast as he took Lily's hand, fearful that she might be some cruel manifestation of his mind that he could not bear to let go of.  The expression in his eyes told Lily he had been afraid, although he thought he hid it extremely well.

"Drinks?" James asked, trying greatly to steady his voice.

"Absolutely." Sirius said, clasping his hands together, as if suggesting James had had a brilliant idea.  

Lily and Diana just looked at each other, touched and amused at how deliriously happy their husbands seemed to be upon their return, which they thought was nothing out of the ordinary.  

"Vodka?" James asked, searching frantically for a drink that would be suitable for what seemed to him, a cheerful occasion.

"James, it's seven o'clock in the morning." Lily said, suppressing a laugh.  James stopped and looked at her.

"My God, you're right." He said, slightly embarrassed, running his still nervous hands through his untidier than usual hair.

"Do you want breakfast?" Sirius asked of all of them, while looking at Diana with somewhat misty eyes.  She just shook her head at his request, beaming at his adolescently adorable demeanour.

There was silence for a few minutes as both men looked upon their wives, thinking they might provide some sort of explanation of what had happened.  James looked at Sirius, and then at Lily, who had been watching him awfully closely since she had walked in.

"Well?" Sirius asked, taking the words out of James' mouth.  Lily and Diana just glanced at each other, privately deciding whether or not they should tell them first, or wait until Dumbledore was present.  "What happened?" he asked, hoping it would clarify the question.

Lily looked at Diana and shrugged, as if suggesting _'they were going to find out eventually'.  _Diana nodded.

"Well………" she began, somewhat uneasily.  "What…. uh…..what do you want to know?"

James and Sirius flooded them with questions so rapidly that neither Lily nor Diana could comprehend a syllable.

"Hold on boys, slow down." Lily said.  "We can barely understand you." She chuckled.

"Sorry, sorry."  James said briskly. "It's just that……."

"We're so happy to see you."  Sirius finished.  James nodded in agreement.

"That's sweet." Diana said.  "Although……we weren't gone that long."

"It was only a few hours." Lily said.

"Yes but……" James said.  "The way you just rushed out of here; no warning, no goodbye, nothing.  Then you both tell me that Sirius would come if you weren't back, and then he did, about five minutes after you had left, which freaked me out even more and—"

"I'm sorry." Lily said.  "We didn't mean to—there just wasn't time and—"

"It was very last minute." Diana said.  "There was no time for mushy goodbyes and pleasantries like that.  We (ahem) had a job to do……" she trailed off, and Sirius noticed she wasn't looking at him at all.

"Ask what you want." Lily said, pausing.  "But, we may not be able to answer all of them ok?  Some things," she said, looking at Diana, "need to be sorted out by Dumbledore first."

Sirius and James sighed in unison, respecting their wishes and thinking diligently of a question that might be suitable without being overwhelming.  The whole time trying to block whatever it was they thought they might be forced to hide.

"Well then…….um……uh—" Sirius stuttered, looking at James for guidance. 

"Can I have some tea first?" his wife asked.

"Certainly." He said, and quickly walked over to the cupboard, grabbing the nearest teacup.  She watched him closely as he filled it up with water and gently placed the teabag into it.  Then he placed it in front of her, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Thank you." She said.

"So……" he started, folding his arms, preferring to stand.  "How many were there?"

"Twelve—"

"Eleven—" the women said in unison.

"Well we have huge problems if you ladies don't know how to count properly." James said.

"Well, there were eleven at first, then twelve." Lily said.

"Was _he_ there?" James said, apprehensively.

"He was the twelfth." Lily answered.

"I see.  So Voldomort didn't come to his own meeting on time? That seems surprising." James said.

"Oh, and believe me, they were surprised." Lily said.

"Were they?" Sirius asked, interested, "why?"

"Well, you see," Diana said, "It was supposed to be secret, but to their distress, it wasn't." 

"Interesting." James muttered.  "What was it about, since they obviously didn't think he would show up?"

"Nothing really." Diana responded.  "It was more of a _we fucked up and here's why_ type of thing."

"I see.  What did they mess up on?"  Sirius inquired.  "Anything we know about?"

"Yes, it was about the commotion that happened back in March." Lily said.

"What about it?" James asked.

"Their mission, we discovered, was, well, to kill……..us, to be blunt." Lily said, gravely.

"The Aurors." Diana clarified.

"Because we're a threat." Sirius said.

"Yes." Diana answered.

"An obstacle.  We were causing to many problems for them, am I right?"

"Exactly.  Considering we are all alive, and in somewhat decent heath, they failed, and were punished, so it seemed." Lily said.

"Did they say why they failed?" Sirius asked.  Lily looked to Diana for answers.  

"Distractions." She said, taking a sip of her neglected tea.

"Distractions?" Sirius repeated.  "What kind of distractions?" he said, not thinking anything of it.

"They didn't say." Diana said, before Lily had a chance to speak.

"That's odd." James said.  "Why wouldn't they—"

"Well that's when Voldomort showed up." Lily said.  "He, uh, sort of disrupted everything."

"Uh huh.  What did he say to them?" Sirius asked.  Both men were significantly calmer now, from both confusion and general concentration.  Their fidgety movement had ceased completely. 

"Well, he, uh," Lily began nervously, knowing that she couldn't say the total and complete truth, out of respect to her friend, who wouldn't have wanted it.  Consequently, it made it rather difficult to give a strait answer.  "He said they had failed, and was beyond infuriated about it, even though it was a while ago……and that it shouldn't happen again and they were a great disappointment and—"

"Lily, please, if there is a point, get to it." Sirius said, sensing the fact that she was withholding.  

"Well, err, um……" she paused and took a breath.  "He knows."

"About what?" James asked, growing frantic in his mind, although it was not visible.

"About the Order." She said.

"What?!" James and Sirius said together.

"How? It's a secret.  How could he have possibly—"

"He has his ways James, you know that." Lily said, remaining calm.

"But, but—How?" he repeated.

"He just does." Lily said, with a stern tone.  "It could not, in any way, have been prevented, at the time."

"How long has he known?" James asked. 

"He didn't say." Lily replied, although she knew exactly how long it had been.

"Oh my god." James said, uncrossing his arms and beginning to pace.  "And……and, does he know….who we are?"

Lily nodded.

"Oh great, bloody fantastic! Now what are we going to do?"

"Tell Dumbledore of course." Sirius said, not wasting his enthusiasm on the inevitable. 

"There's more." Diana chimed in.  "They have Alice's invisibility cloak."

"Well, this is bad." James said.

"Anything else?" Sirius asked, looking at his wife with a peculiar interest.  She had been awfully quiet, but the manner in which she held her cup suggested she was devilishly uncomfortable.  He also saw it in her eye contact, or lack thereof.

"Nope." Lily answered, unsurely.

"Oh yeah?" Sirius questioned, "Did you two catch who was there, by any chance?" 

"What do you mean?" Diana asked, in a tone that matched his own, intentionally. 

"Any faces?" he clarified.  "Any names?"

"They were all masked." Lily interrupted.  "And the only voices we made out belonged to Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange, and we already knew those."

"That's true." James said, looking at Lily's expression and silently agreeing to what she was doing, what she was hiding.  He had figured it out.

"So, are we done? What are we going to eat?" Diana asked, shifting the subject to something she, and everyone else was more comfortable with……food.

"Yea." James said.  

"I am starving.  I need food." Lily said.

"Ugh, you took the words right out of my mouth." Sirius said, averting his attention.  "I was wondering when someone would bring that up."

"We have no food though." Lily said.

"I noticed." Diana said.

"Do you want to go out?" Lily asked.

"Do you?" Diana answered.  "James?"  Diana noticed him looking a bit nervous, since last time they went out, it didn't go as well as they'd hoped.

"Well, you know, I don't know, it's really early, nothings open, and I don't want to—"

"Run into anybody?" Diana finished for him

"Well, to be blunt, yes." He said, shrugging.  Diana shot Lily a look, one that Lily understood perfectly.

"I have an idea." Lily said. "Let's owl Remus and Nicole.  It'll be fun. All of us together." Lily said.

"That sounds good." James said.  All of us.  I'd like that."

"That's fine." Sirius said.  "And Moony hasn't gotten out of the house in a while."

"Yes." Diana said.  "And maybe afterwards, we can go shopping."

"Huh?" Sirius said, looking at her in disbelief.  "You? Shopping? Now?" he asked, flabbergasted.  "Really?"

"Well why not, I need a good walking around, besides, and we never go out, all the girls, you know." She shrugged.

"And what are we supposed to do?" Sirius asked.

"We'll stay behind." James said quickly.  "We wouldn't want to interfere or anything."

"Wow." Lily said, rolling her eyes. 

"What?" he answered, defensively.

"In a matter of a minute." She said, looking at her watch. "You are ready to part with us already, all because the word 'shopping' was mentioned."

"Well meet at Diagon Alley." Diana said, grabbing a piece of note-sized parchment from the counter.  "Unless, do you boys want to come?" she said innocently.

"No." Sirius said.

"Absolutely not." James seconded.  

"Aww, I guess you two aren't as whipped as we thought." Lily said.

"Pity." Diana answered.

"Alright, well, do any of us have to get ready?" James asked.

"Not really." Lily said.  "I'm pretty ok."

"I'm fine too." Diana said.

"I showered already." Sirius said.

"You did?" Diana asked.

"Well I had to do _something_." He said, defensively.  She just giggled.

"Well, _I_ need to change." James said.  "I'm still in the same clothes as last night."

"Oh yea." Lily said, glancing at her body.  "I totally forgot."

"We'll be down in a bit." James said.

"Five minutes." Lily said.  She regretted the fact that she had to leave Diana alone for a minute, even though she knew she was capable of taking care of herself.  But, she was afraid Sirius might interrogate her further.  She regretted withholding information from him, well, the both of them really.

They went upstairs quickly, James leading, Lily glancing behind the stairs as she followed.

In silence they went to their respective dressers.  James was watching Lily with interest, and she noticed after a minute.  She still had the same frame of mind as the night before, but she seemed to like pissed of Lily as opposed to mushy Lily.  It was just who she was.  After years and years, she figured, he should know that.

"I missed you terribly last night." He said, as she lazily shut the drawer, not even looking at what she was about to put on.

She laughed.  "Is that what you wanted to tell me?"

"Huh?" he asked, walking over to her.

"You were staring, James."

"I know that." He answered, leaning down and kissing her on the cheek from behind.  Then he hugged her, so tightly she felt like he was suffocating her.  "You know, a part of me, this little tiny part of me, thought that I would never see you again."

"James, don't be rash—" she said, brushing him off.

"I mean it.  I knew where you were going, and your warning told me that it might get dangerous, and you might not come back—"

"Don't be silly. Of course I'd come back." She said, turning around, and quickly removing her shirt.

"Well, that's what you say, but circumstances, if he saw you—"

"He didn't see me." She said, quickly, and pulled the clean shirt over her head.

"I know, I know." He whispered.  "But—"

"James? I—I love you, ok? Too much for my own good, I'm afraid. I am not going anywhere, and if I do, you are coming with me, got it?" she said.

He smiled.  "I got it. So it's one of those, you jump I jump things?"

"Well I hope our fate does not mean jumping off a bridge, but sure."

"Lily, if it's a bridge, so be it."

"Alright then." She said, amused.

"I got you babe."

"Yes you do, babe."

"Forever and always?"

"Ugh, don't go gushy on me now, but yes, as long as I breathe." She said, dramatically, but chidingly. 

"Am I really a bastard?" he asked, her head on her chest.

"Yes, but I love you anyway."

"Well that's good." He said, chuckling.

"And last night, you were never out of my mind." She said, more serious.  "I thought about you a lot, about us. But now, with everything, this mess we're in, the Order, everything……I, I just don't want to waste time hating you anymore. It never got me anywhere, and I don't want to chase you away again." James started to protest, but she shushed him with her forefinger. 

"Now I am not saying it was my fault you did what you did.  And I am not advocating it either.  Now, I said to myself when I was younger, that I would never, ever tolerate infidelity.  That if a man lied to me, or was unfaithful then that was it he was gone, no questions asked.  But, I didn't realize that men would be you, and that it would be someone I truly loved and trusted.  But, before you say anything, before you apologize, again, I want you to know; now I've thought about this, a lot and, I think it's time I forgave you."

"Uh…..really? You mean that?"

"Well I promised you didn't I? I always keep my promises.  And if we have a family one day……"

James smiled." Wow, Lil." He said, running a hand through his hair.  "That's…. that's just so…… " He said, scooping her up again.  "And everything, you mean, everything is ok and we can be like we were and it's all back to normal?"

"In a nutshell, yea." She said, practically laughing.

He kissed her and she wrapped her arms around his neck, not wanting to let go.  "Thank you." He said.

"For?"

"I don't know. Making me feel alive again I guess."

"Well sure." She answered, linking her arm with his, ready to go downstairs.  "I am actually really, really hungry right now, it's clouding my rage. I'll get it back."

"You mean you have more rage?" he said.

"Oh you have no idea." She said, smiling.  

"So that's it?" he asked.  "No _'I hate you'_? No _'you're an asshole'_? No slap in the face?"

"Do you want me to slap you, because I will." She said.  "It's what I want come to think of it."

"Um…."

"I'm kidding……well actually I'm not, but I am too hungry and tired to care." she said, and opened the door.

~* "Babe." Sirius said, as Diana gulped down the remains of her tea.  

"Mmm." Was all she replied, simply acknowledging him.

"You're alright, aren't you?" he asked.  She smiled and got up from her chair, which he did not seem to want her to do.  "Rest." He commanded.  "You haven't slept at all."

"I'm not tired. And besides, you can sleep when you're dead." She said, and when she realized it she shook it off quickly.  They paused for a moment, and Diana started to examine her surroundings.

"You are so pretty, honey." He said, simply thinking out loud.  Diana snorted in her tea, then started to laugh.  "I'm serious." He said, a little offended.

"No, I know, and that's what's funny." She said.  He continued to scowl.  "Aw, I'm sorry, _Cariño_.  You're just so cute."

"That's nice.  Just cute huh?"

"It was a compliment."

"No it wasn't.  Puppies are cute, lollipops are cute, pigtails are cute, I, a man, am _not _cute."

She shrugged.  "Alright then.  You're masculine and fierce and ruthless." She said, offhandedly.  "And I am terribly afraid of you."

"You should be." He said, looking at the floor.

"I missed you, my sweet husband." She said, and walked over to the counter.

"You really scared the shit out of me Renton, you know that?"

"I'm sorry, darling." She whispered, wrapping her hands around his neck.

"Darling?" he chuckled. 

"Shut up.  Does it frustrate you?"

"A bit."

"Don't mock my expressions of affection." She said, kissing him.  It was a kiss that woke her up more than breakfast or any cup of coffee could do.  "Mmm." She moaned.  "I am really hungry." She said, honestly.  He started to laugh.

"Alright.  We'll get you some food, _ma chére_."

"Where do you think we should eat?" she asked.

"Whatever you want." He said.

"Whatever I want? You're not going to complain? Well, I can get used to that, _mon Coeur_, but I feel like some fresh air."

"That's fine."

"We ready?" James asked, entering the kitchen.

"Yep. Let's go. We'll split up afterwards?" Diana asked.

"We'll play it by ear, how does that sound?" Lily asked.

"Good." Diana said, shrugging.  

"So we'll apparate then?" James asked.

"Um, we cant." Sirius said.  

"Oh right." James said. "Um, then we'll walk.  It isn't that far."

"You told them to meet us?" Lily asked Diana.

"Yea.  So, we should leave."

They all nodded and walked out into the wet, sultry morning.  The sun was bright, so bright that it temporarily blinded them.  The walk was far, but enjoyable.  It was when Sirius started to complain that everyone got a bit uncomfortable.  James didn't help much, but joined in his hunger pains and sweatiness, that the women started to lag behind only to avoid them.

"So?" Diana asked.  "Did you ask him about it?"

"About what?"

"You know….._Narcissa_." she whispered.

"Oh, well no." Lily replied.

"Why not?" she sighed.  "You know if you keep this bottled up you aren't going to—"

"Look there's Nicole.  Oh, she does not look happy." Lily said, avoiding the topic completely.  "How long have we kept them waiting." 

"Where have you all been?" Remus asked, leaning against the entrance.  "We've been waiting—"

"An hour?" Lily asked.

"Yes." He said.  "And I am baking out here."

"Well, we were walking in it." Sirius said, obviously pissed off.  He wasn't much of a walking person.  "Try that."

"Yea, maybe another time." Remus replied, making fun of his attitude.

"This is nice." Nicole said, hugging the girls and kissing the men on the cheek, pretending she didn't hear them bantering.  "We never do this anymore."

"Let's eat." Remus said, as they all entered the Leaky Cauldron.  

"Thank you Moony. I don't think any of us had that suggestion." Sirius said.  With all of the walking and hunger, lack of food made him a bit irritable.

"Just because you didn't get any sleep doesn't mean you have to be snippy with the rest of us." Remus said.

"I slept—"

"Now you didn't.  Did he Diana?"

"I don't know." She answered.  "But from the way he looks, not a wink."

"Well thanks so much—"

"Ugh, stop complaining Padfoot, for gods sake." James pleaded.

They took a rather long table in the back, one that sat all six of them comfortably.  Lily went up to the bar to get their drinks.  There wasn't any table service.  The Leaky Cauldron was close to empty at that early hour of the morning.  The only people in there were the drunks who hadn't left from the night before, lonely travellers or passers by, and the early birds who liked to get everything done before noon.  Then there were the three Marauders and their wives/girlfriends, who didn't seem to fit with the type of crowd.  Normally they would have been loud, but as Remus said, they hadn't slept at all.

"Hey Tom!" Lily said as she leaned against the bar.

"Well, Miss Evans, how are ye this mornin'? Haven't seen ya in a while." He said cheerily.

"Fine, alive, can't complain. And you?"

"Fine. I'll tell you, its lovely you all came in 'ere today.  We could have used an 'ol pick me up, bein' all desolate here an' all."

"Desolate?" Lily asked.  If there was any place she could think of that was desolate, the Leaky Cauldron wasn't what came to mind in her head.  Maybe they had been away a little too long.

"Yea, we've been getting' shady folk around these parts lately.  Stragglers from Knockturn I expect, but still.  I don't like it.  Just look round and you'll see.  People always hidin' their faces and talking in whispers.  Its strange Lily, I tell ye, real strange."

Lily turned around and looked at the people that surrounded them.  At the bar there were two other people, men, she assumed, and they were both cloaked in black.  Yes, it did seem strange, she thought.  But then again, she had never been here this early.  But from what Tom had said, this wasn't common.  Only one other table was occupied, and it looked like an old couple, eating in silence, glancing up occasionally as if they felt intruders were near.  Very suspicious indeed, she thought.

"But, anyways, I don't want to ruin your mood, m'dear.  What'll it be?" Tom asked.

"Oh, right." She said, turning back.  "Um, two Hot Chocolates, three cups of coffee, and a Butterbeer please." 

"Right away." He said, nodding.  "Do you want some food with it? I heard some of you have hunger pains." He said, cocking his head at the table.

"Sure. What have you got?"

"What do you want?"

Lily turned around. "What do you all want?" she asked, her voice carrying a little too loudly that it jolted the others.

"Anything!" they all yelled back and at odd times.

"You hear that Tom?" she chuckled.

"That I did.  I'll bring you some soup and some dinner rolls.  That all right? We don't have bacon or anything."

"Oh that's fine, really. None of us care."

"Excellent." He said, putting the Butterbeer, the Hot Chocolates on the bar.  "How do you take the coffee?"

"One with milk, one with sugar, and the other leave black."

"Fine.  Hey, that Mrs. Black over there, is she carryin' something under her robes?"

"No Tom, she's just pregnant." Lily said.  

"Oh, whew. Because I noticed her a little chubby but I didn't want to say nothin'.  Here you go." He said, handing her the coffees.  

"I wont tell her you said that." Lily said.  "I need to make two trips, hold on." She said, and grabbed the coffees in both hands.  She walked over to the table.

"Yes it's been really strange around here lately." She heard Remus say.  "Even Knockturn Alley has been quiet."

"There' s been hardly anything to write about too." Nicole said.  "You'd think Mundungus would find _something_ out of the ordinary."

"They're being careful, too careful." James said.

"I don't know. I think they're just waiting.  They're not afraid of anything, least of all people like us." Diana said.  "Oh good, coffee.  Thanks babe."

"Sure." Lily said.  "James: Milk, Nicole: Sugar, Diana: Black."

"Where's my hot chocolate, damn it." Sirius said, in fake impatience. 

"Hold on, you'll get it." she said and was back in less than thirty seconds with the remainder of the drinks.  "Hot chocolate for you Sirius, one for me, and Butterbeer for you Remus."

"Thank you." Remus said.  "What do you mean, people like us?" he asked Diana.

"Well, we are the people they hated in school, remember.  Now they think they have all this power.  It's sad really." Diana said.

"You mean, like, grudges?" Nicole asked.

"Sort of.  A lot of times, people just don't know how to let shit go."

"Hmm. That's an interesting way of looking at it." Remus said.

"It is." Nicole said.

"By the way, Nic, how's the writing going for the _Prophet_?  I meant to say this yesterday, but whatever.  I've been looking and trying to figure out what pen name you might have used, but I didn't see anything worth reading.  No scandals, reports, nothing." Lily said.

"Yes I know.  Mundungus and I have been collaborating and, ugh, let me tell you it is just one big headache with that man.  He's good, don't get me wrong, and he tries, but every time I talk to him he's drunk or disoriented in some way.  What he owes Dunbledore I guess we'll never know."

"Yes its kind of hard.  There has been next to nothing going on lately, and frankly, I'm getting a little restless.  Not even Crouch has called on us in like a month." James said.

"Yea, that is kind of weird." Sirius agreed.

"And Dumbledore's been distant." Diana said.  "Haven't you all noticed?"

"I have." Remus said.  "I mean, lets think for a minute.  He hasn't owled any of us since he called us in the first place, no checking up or anything."

"It's been three months." Lily said.  "Not even a 'hello, just wanted to know if you're still alive, check back later, all the best'…. nothing.  It's weird."

"Well shouldn't that be a good thing?" Sirius asked.  "If Dumbledore has that much confidence in us and that nothing so horrible has happened yet that we have a need to be worried?  Remember, no news is good news, right?"

"Good point, Padfoot, I see what you're saying." Remus said.  "But I've been around, doing what he asked me to do.  I've been in Knockturn Alley.  Something's not right."

"How do you mean?" James asked.

"The people……they're just, different.  They're secretive, even amongst themselves.  Most of them don't speak at all, and the place is deserted half the time.  The most traffic is really early in the morning, and I'm talking, before the sun.  And they're behaviour when they do speak, it's almost……_happy_."

"Happy?" Lily asked.  "That's a little creepy." Lily said, shuddering.

"They are plotting something.  That place is Death Eater central." James said.

"I know.  Molly and I are trying to decipher it, but there isn't much to work with.  I've been researching still, trying to find something that might be helpful, but we're at a stand still." Remus said.  

"And Molly with the children can't do much." Nicole said.  "And she told me last night she might be pregnant again."

"My god.  The woman is a baby machine." James said.

"Yes, but, it shows they have a healthy marriage." Lily said.

"That's true.  I'm sure Arthur isn't complaining." Sirius chuckled.

"Ugh, you're so juvenile." Diana said.

"It's true.  I hope I'm having sex that much when I'm……._thirty_."

"Don't bet on it." Diana said, taking a sip of her coffee.  "Not if you keep that attitude up."

"She's so mean to me." He said.  " I really don't understand it.  All I said was--"

"Children." Lily said.  "Enough."

"See, I can see Lily with a bunch of kids.  I don't know why." Nicole said.

"A bunch, oh no.  One, maybe." Lily said.  "Or two, depending.  We have so much time anyway.  We're still young."

"I don't want to waste my youth changing diapers." James added.  

"Your youth?" Remus snorted.

"Well, I don't know.  Whatever happens, happens. I'm easy going." This time, Lily snorted.

"I am." He said again, firmly.

"Yea, and I'm the bloody Queen of England." She said.

"Well then, hello your Majesty." He said.

"Stop it." she said, pushing him.

"Well what about the other people?" Diana chimed in.  "The other members.  Moody seemed fine last night, nothing peculiar about him."

"Well, nothing more peculiar than usual." Sirius said.

"Right.  But still, if something's not right, then why are we the only people panicking?"

"You're panicking?" Sirius asked.  "Why?"

"Oh, I don't know, but Remus' intuition is usually on target.  And if he thinks something's off then—"

"I think we need to go to Dumbledore." Lily said.

"Now?" Diana asked.

"No. But today.  Nic, you can come too, if you've got questions.  But you three, well, if you need to then you're welcome.  But we have to report today, in case…."

"Alright." James said, rubbing his forehead.  

Tom eventually brought them all some bread and butter.  It was stale, having been a couple of days old, but they ate it zealously, as if they hadn't been fed in years.  They talked of trivial things, and laughed a bit, reminisced a bit.  It was funny to them, that event he silliest things seemed comical after years, and months, and jokes from the previous night.  They lost track of time, and had courses of bread, more drinks, and then a round of leftover tomato soup, simply because Tom said it would go bad if it sat in the back any longer.  It was noon before someone actually asked what time it was.

"Oh my god, it's 12:00 already." Nicole said with astonishment.

"We have to get going." Lily said.  "We don't want to waste the whole day."

"That's true.  Alright men, it's been lovely chatting with you, but we need to go if we're going to get anything done." Diana said, getting up.  "I don't want to make two trips."

"What are you three going to do?" Nicole asked, grabbing her pocketbook from the back of her chair.

"Stay here and get drunk." Remus said.

"Or high, we haven't decided." Sirius added.

"Oh, alright then." She replied, unfazed by the comment.

"Have fun ladies." James said.  

"Thanks." Lily replied.

"Sirius, I don't know what we are going to do for dinner, so stock up now on the munchies ok?" Diana said, as the three made their way towards the door.

"Munchies?" he asked after her.

"Oh and that reminds me." Lily said.  "Don't smoke too much now."

"Lily, I am surprised at you." James said. "Is that what you think we do all day?"

"Well, just in case." She said, shrugging.  Then she smiled, Diana winked and Nicole waved them goodbye, the door closing softly behind them.

"Where do you want to go?" Remus asked.

"We can go back to my place." James suggested.

"Naw I was at yours all night. Lets go to mine." Sirius suggested.  They got up, paid the check and said goodbye.  Then, they apparated to Sirius' flat about five blocks down.

Once they were out of sight the old couple at the table began looking around.  They made eye contact with one of the figures at the bar and nodded.  Then, the older man looked at the older woman.

"Hair." He whispered and pointed to her mane, which was darkening with every second.

"You too." She whispered back and as quick as ever they jumped up and ran onto the bathroom.  

Tom didn't notice this however; he was attending to a younger couple that had just walked in.  It was lunchtime, when the mood of the Leaky Cauldron brightened to his relief.  While the two older people were gone, the figure at the bar casually got up and walked over to their table.  He sat down as if he had been there all along.  He took off his cloak and his hood, thinking on a summer day it would be too conspicuous, and revealed a very tired and groggy Severus Snape.  He waited about five minutes, looking at his watch every five seconds, and calmed down a bit when he saw too people, ages younger, walk towards the table and sit down.

"Oh, thank god." Lucius said, cracking his neck and stretching his arms.  

"I thought they would never get the hell out of here." Bellatrix moaned.

"My taste buds are all out of whack.  How many sips did we have to take?"

"About four." Bellatrix answered, tugging on her hair.  "Tastes awful."

"Who's bloody idea was that anyway?" Lucius complained.

"Yours. Or did you forget?" Bellatrix sneered.

"And what about you Severus? Have fun working the bar? Must have been right at home." Lucius said reclining and cuffing his sleeves.

"I don't see where all of this has a point, Lucius." Severus grunted.  "Spying on them.  It is beneath us."

"Yes I know, but it has to be done." Lucius sighed.  "We have to bring them down somehow."

"But listening to all that ridiculous talk, ugh." Bellatrix whined.  "_Some people don't know how to let shit go_, honestly.  I don't need to hear that. Grudges? Hah! She's the one with the grudge, all pregnant and disgusting." She shuddered at the thought.  "I'd like to see her get what's coming to her."

"I think that's what she means about the grudge, Bella." Severus said.  "About, not letting shit go."

"Oh please, that doesn't count.  And admit it, you both want to see those little bitches brought down, even the sweet one, Portman.  She is a waste of space, in my opinion.  And that Potter, both of them, defying us publicly with their little Order, it's disgraceful.  Marrying that Evans tramp was the worst thing he did, polluting the pureblood in him, ugh, it gets me so angry."

"I can see that." Lucius said.  "Ugh, this is so boring."

"Then lets leave." Severus sighed.

"No, the women will be coming back here soon.  Which reminds me, Bella, did you bring it?"

"Yes." She said, eagerly.  "I must have forgotten when they started talking about children."

"You missed your chance to use it though." Severus said.

"Nonsense." She said, grabbing a small vile out of her robe pocket.  She surveyed it quickly, a crooked smile slowly forming on her face.  "Do you think it will do it?"

"Of course, that's its purpose, isn't it?" Lucius said.

"I don't see why we have to resort to this." Severus said, crossing his arms in protest.  "It's too obvious."

"We're just following orders.  She deserves it." Lucius sneered.

"No one deserves that." Severus said.  "Not like that."

"Of course they do Severus." Bellatrix said impatiently.  "Whose side are you on?"

"The side with morals, as this one is clearly lacking."

"How dare you speak like that Severus." Bellatrix said, her voice rising, her hand travelling to her wand.  "How dare you disgrace him like that."

"Now, Bella don't make a scene." Lucius cautioned.  "The last thing we need is to get kicked out of here.  And Severus, since when do you are about morals?  We are doing nothing inhumane.  Think of it logically. Plus, we are following orders.  We are just doing it a little sooner.  It saves us guilt."

"You have guilt?" Severus asked.

"No." he said, quickly.  "And with the husband out of the way—"

"He won't be able to save this one." Bellatrix laughed.  "And the blood will stay pure, as it should."

"We are performing a public service here Severus.  All you have to do is sit back, and watch it happen." He said with a smile.

"You're doing this for the wrong reasons." Severus said.  

"Right? Wrong? None of it exists.  But, there is war, and in war one has to make certain decisions for the better.  And we kill two birds with one stone.  He will be pleased, maybe not ecstatic, but pleased none the less."

"There is nothing to gain from this but our egos." Severus said.

"Well if that's all, Severus," Lucius began, "then that is good enough for me." He and Bellatrix laughed.

"Oh don't be glum Severus." Bellatrix said childishly.  "Think of it this way: What shall be, shall be, so stop protesting.  Honestly I don't know why you feel for these creatures.  And besides, we can all breathe better once it's done, not to have this annoying little threat.  Some psychological damage, confusion, well, that's inevitable, and maybe, if we're lucky, _suicide._  Then, we can't be blamed." She said happily.

"I can't sit here." Severus said, angrily and got up from the table.

"You can and you will." Lucius said forcefully.  "Or you will suffer, even more than you are suffering now.  So I suggest you shut your trap, Severus, and participate.  Kill or be killed.  Remember that, before you start raising you voice again.  Now am I crazy about this? To be honest? I could live without it on my conscience, but not enough to actually give a shit.  Do I think it's for the best? To help us? To avenge at least part of our glory? Then yes.  You had better bet your ass we don't fuck this up, because if we do, if something goes wrong, then it will be your ass, not mine."

"Exactly." Bellatrix said, looking back and forth between the two.

"And what about your conscience Bella?" Severus said, sitting back down.

"I have no conscience.  And personally, I hope it spoils her.  I hope it's excruciatingly painful. I hope it kills magnificently," she said, excitedly.  "Then, one by one, they'll be broken. And then….."

"They'll be just like us." Severus finished, with a scared, sombre look upon his face.

(Yep, just a long, pointless transitional chapter.  There will be action in the next one, I promise.  It will probably be by the end of the week too, but lets see if we can make it to 100 by then, shall we :) it would make me soooo happy.  But thank you all who reviewed. I was pleasantly surprised.  You're all so wonderful and you make me so glad I do this.  Buh bye :) 


	18. The Unavoidable Trip

Disclaimer: see previous chapters. It's a tad long, this chapter.  I sort of didn't want it to end, you know, avoid the inevitable as much as I could. Oh well :)

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"Ugh, remind me to never try on clothes again as long as I live." Lily complained, throwing off yet another garment that was not to her liking.

"Oh shut up Lily." Diana spat.  "At least you fit into these things."

"Hardly.  I swear I was a size four yesterday."

"Maybe you're getting your period." Nicole said.

"That would make sense." Diana said.  "Oh my god…….."

"What?" Lily asked.

"I look like Buddha." She said, rubbing her stomach.  

Lily laughed.  "No you don't."  She walked out of her dressing room and pulled away the curtain to Diana's.

"Hey!" she screeched.  "Privacy."

"Nic, come here." Lily said, still in her bra.  Nicole followed her in, wearing not much else. "Now, make a wish." Lily said, rubbing Diana's belly, which she found incredibly irritating.

"Oh great, lets all have a party in my dressing room. Go ahead, point and laugh." Diana said.

"Oh, it's not bad at all." Nicole said.  "You're pregnant.  Its like there is a little present inside just waiting to come out."

"That's poetic." Diana said, chuckling.  "But look though, I am huge.  I've never been this big."

"It's not that bad, Di." Lily said.  "Really, you're not that pregnant."

"So I've always had a Buddha gut?" she said panicking.

"Oh stop complaining.  That's all I'm hearing lately is yap, yap, yap, I hate my life, Sirius is a prick, being pregnant sucks, blah, blah, blah." Nicole said, growing annoyed.

"I never said I hated my life." Diana said.  "And shut up.  You try being pregnant and how you look at Remus.  We'll see how chipper you are about it then." She said.  Nicole looked at her crossly, and then silently went back to her dressing room.  "What did I say?" she asked Lily.  Then it hit her.  She knew full well Nicole's body was incapable of bearing a child, let alone Remus' child.

"Oh Nic, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it." Diana called, walking out of her room and into hers.  Nicole didn't answer her.  "Really, you know I'm horrid lately.  I really didn't mean it, honey.  Oh please don't be mad at me."

"She didn't say it on purpose." Lily said.

"No, you're absolutely right." Nicole said, pushing back the curtain.  "Who am I to talk of children?  I'm never going to be a mother."

Lily and Diana were silent for a minute, trying to decide what to say.  

"You can always adopt, Nicky." Lily said.

"Oh yea." She chuckled.  "Who's going to give a child to a Mudblood and a werewolf? That'll go really well with the Ministry, oh and an _unmarried_ couple too."

"Well I'm sure Dumbledore—" Diana began.

"Is Dumbledore Minister of Magic?" Nicole asked rhetorically.  "And even so, we would have to raise it in secret and go into hiding.  Do you think I want a child to be raised like that? I would never."

"Well, I don't know what to say to you then Nic." Lily said.

"I don't want you to say anything." She answered.

"You can baby-sit mine whenever you want." Diana said, cracking a smile.  "I'll bring it over all the time, I promise."

Nicole smiled back.  "I know."

"And I'll let you spoil it to death." Diana said.  

"Well, alright.  Although I did plan to anyway." Nicole said.  

They tried on clothes for another few minutes.  Diana was simply looking and judging Lily and Nicole.  She wasn't ready to try her own yet.

"I was thinking about names last night." She blurted out of nowhere.

"Didn't we talk about this yesterday?" Lily asked, tossing another article of clothing aside.

"Yea, but last night I was thinking about it." Diana said.  "I became rather attached to the name Aurora."

"That's pretty." Nicole said. "Aurora Black.  Has a nice ring to it."

"And what about if it's a boy?" Lily asked.

"Yea, that one's harder.  I liked the name Michael, but everyone has it."

"Eh, yea.  What do you think Lily?" Nicole asked.

"Whatever you want, really." She responded.  "I always liked the name Tom, after my dad, or you could do Mark after yours."

"That's true.  I don't know.  What do you think of Harry?" Diana asked.

"Harry Black? No, I don't like the way it sounds." Nicole said.

"It's a good name though." Lily said.  "That's James' dad's name."

"Oh right." Diana said.  "Screw that then."

"What's Sirius father's name?" Nicole asked.  Diana laughed.

"Sirius would never name his child after anyone in his family, you know that." Diana said.  "I like Serena too."

"Oh, I love that name." Nicole said, gushingly.  Diana laughed.

"Well, how are we doing in here ladies?" Madame Malkin asked.  She was the owner of Madame Malkin's Robes For All Occasions, which is where they were trying on clothes.

"I was wondering if you had a large paper bag, or perhaps a tent I could fit into." Diana joked.  Madame Malkin rolled her eyes playfully, and then laughed.

"Oh, you have nothing to worry about dear." She said, fondly.  "You're just carrying a little bundle of joy.  Expecting mothers come in here all the time.  You don't have to hide it, embrace it.  Motherhood is a beautiful thing."

"But I don't want to be fat." Diana said.  Madame Malkin laughed again, thinking she was joking.

"I think I have something that you can wear." She said, and disappeared into the back room.

"You guys find anything?" Diana asked, with her hands on her hips. "We've spent almost two hours in here already."

"I still have this." Nicole said, pulling a light blue dress robe from behind the pile.

"Oh, Nic, that's gorgeous." Diana said, touching it.  "Is this cashmere?"

Nicole looked at the tag.  "100%."

"Blimey." Diana said.  "How much?"

"Too much." Nicole said, sighing.

"Just buy it." Lily said.  "Did you at least try it on?"

"I'm afraid to."

"Why?" Diana asked.

"I'm afraid I'll fall I love with it.  And where on earth would I wear this? It's impractical."

"Oh I know." Diana said.  "Wear it to the Ministry Ball next month."

"What Ministry Ball?" Lily asked.

"The Ministry is having some sort of gala on July 31.  It's a new thing, and completely pointless in my opinion." Nicole said.  "Just a bunch of drunk Ministry officials schmoosing and pretending to like each other."

"Just like Christmas." Lily joked.  

"Except there's no grab bag in this one." Diana said, sounding disappointed.  "Oh Nic, just try it.  It's lovely and it's the perfect colour for you."

"Oh alright. But no guarantees."

Nicole came out and it was everything they had thought it would be.  Her hair glowed and it hugged every inch of her body that flattered her.  She even twirled she loved it so much.

"Oh, I can't." Nicole said, looking herself up and down in the mirror.

"Oh, that is magnificent, dearie." Madame Malkin said, entering the dressing wing again.  She hung up a string of clothes for Diana, maternity clothes, and continued to compliment Nicole.  "Brilliant—perfect colour too—flatters you beautifully—absolutely stunning—"

"Nicole, you're buying it." Lily said, falling in love with it herself.  

"Um…….well……" she said, looking at the price again and wincing.  "Oh alright." She said, giving in.

"Remus'll love it." Lily said. 

"Remus'll kill me." She said.

"He'll thank us." Diana said.

"After he regains consciousness." Lily said.

"Ok, Diana, now you." Nicole said, putting the dress robe back on the hanger.

"No." She whined.  "I can't do this.  I don't want to do it."

"You said yourself you had to." Lily said, crossing her arms.  "Remember.  You don't want to make two trips.  Sirius—"

"Fine." She said.

After about twenty minutes Diana was sweating and about to cry.  She had tried on scores of garments: casual, dressy, none of it worked.

"I swear to god, as soon as this baby comes I am buying my fat ass a treadmill." She complained.

"A what, dear?" Madame Malkin asked.

"Don't ask." Lily and Nicole said at once.

"Honestly Diana, they don't look horrible.  That red one suited you nicely I thought." Nicole said.

"I _hate_ being pregnant." She sneered.

"Shh, it might hear you." Nicole said.  Diana glared at her.  "Well, you never know."

"Diana, stop it." Lily said.  "I can't take it anymore.  You are acting impossible.  How on earth does Sirius put up with you?" she said, exasperatedly.

"Alcohol and Vicodin." She said, tugging at her hair.  Nicole looked at Lily.

"She's kidding right?" Nicole whispered.

"Of course I'm kidding.  Jesus." Diana said, straitening up.

"Well we never really know." Lily said, honestly.

"Very funny.  Seriously.  But you're both right, I treat the man like shit, you all say so."

"Stop it.  I treat James like shit." Lily said, laughing.

"Well, James deserves it." Diana said.  

"True." Lily said, nodding.

"You don't treat him like shit.  Well, maybe you're a bit shirty with him sometimes, but we're all like that." Nicole said.

"Maybe." Diana said.  "But, it's like everything…..I don't know……I mean, last night, it was strange.  He's just so sweet, and he loves me so much.  And he wants this baby so badly and I told him the truth—"

"You did?" Nicole asked.  "Oh, honey I'm so proud of you."

"Yes, well, it didn't really help.  I'm a little calmer about this.  I have accepted it.  I even sort of want it now.  But I always have to worry, always look twice over my shoulder, wonder, wait…….And I feel bad, you know."

"Why?" Nicole asked.

"Because I ruined his life and our future.  He would have been better off with anyone other than me and……I just love him so much that it hurts me to even look at him, knowing that I'm lying, deceiving him so.  He thinks I don't care, thinks I'm mean.  Maybe I am mean."

"I don't think that's what it is Diana." Lily said.  "I think that you're scared."

"I am not scared."

"Lily's right." Nicole said.  "You're scared that if you publicly expressed how much you actually care that he'll be hurt in some way.  I don't even think you realize you're doing it.  You have never allowed yourself to get close to a man your entire life, and I don't mean sexually.  He's the only man you have ever loved and you think that if you don't act like it, then he's safe."

"Holy cricket, you really think that?" Diana asked.

"It makes sense, doesn't it?" Nicole said.

"You are so good at this." Lily said, looking at Nicole in awe.

Diana chuckled.  "She certainly is.  God, our lives are so depressing."

"Yes my darling, but _like sands through the hourglass_……._these_…… Lily started dramatically.

"_Are the Days of Our Lives_……" the three said together, before breaking out on a fit of laughter.

"It's fuckin' true." Diana said.

"Alright, back to business.  Diana, what are you buying?" Lily said.

"I don't know—"

"Then I'll do it for you." Lily said.  "This red one, which is stunning, the black one, which is slimming, and the violet one, which brings out your hair and your eyes.  We set then?"

"I suppose." Diana said reluctantly.  "Mum…."

"Look at it this way.  When you are thin again you can have them altered to fit you." Nicole said.

"Let's pay already.  I am getting claustrophobic in here." Diana said.

"Well that's understandable.  You take up most of the store." Lily joked.

"Wow…..cruel……I love you Lily do you know that?"

"Yes, babe." Lily said, kissing her forehead.

"And Nicky, I love you too.  You two are the best friends a fucked up bitch could have."

"Is this the mood swing part?" Nicole asked Lily.

"I hope so." Lily said. "But now to Muggle London.  I need air."

"Fabulous." Nicole said, and they all exited the store.

~*~ (A/N: Readers, forgive me for what I am about to do to my poor men…..*crosses heart* )

"HAHHAHAHAHA!!!……..You're funny, Padfoot, you know that, you're really, _really_ funny." James said, in between breaths.

"Why thank you, mate. You know I've always believed that laughter……uh…..makes the world go round." Sirius said, radically. 

"I thought that was money." James said.

"That is beautiful. And do you know why?" Remus asked.  "Because without it, the world would stop spinning and then we'd all die……"

"That would suck." James said gravely.

"I know!" Remus said.

"So, it's our duty to laugh then." Sirius said.  "Because if we don't, then the world will explode or something……..and then we'd be stuck in the middle of the universe with nothing to do! We'd be so bored that we would resort to singing show tunes from West Side Story and jerking off to constellations!" he squeaked, as if predicting the apocalypse.

"Maria….." James began singing.

"I just met a girl named Maria." Remus finished, even louder, and even more off key.

"Yes!  And that's how it'll be, until we all die." Sirius said, slamming his hand down on his knee.

"Maria was a sexy tart." James said.

"She was." Remus said.  "So wait, if we're stuck in the middle of the universe with nothing, what will we do for food?"

"FOOD!" James and Sirius said together and jumped up and ran in the house.  

"Oh my God Moony, what a brilliant idea!" James shouted.  

They came back with about ten sandwiches and two bottles of wine.  For the next five minutes all they did was eat, not having time between bites to actually say anything.

"You know what Padfoot?" James asked.

"Mm." Sirius grunted.  "Man, this is the best sandwich ever…."

"You have a really nice backyard." James said, looking all around.

"Thanks." Sirius said, sounding truly touched.

"Yea it's like, really nice landscaping." Remus said.  "Not big really, but nice.  I like the lawn…..very…._green._"

"Have you ever thought about getting a barbecue?" James asked.  "I would love a steak right now."

"With barbecue sauce." Remus said.

"Awwww." James said, pulling out a cigarette, lighting it, and then passing it around.

"I like mustard too." Sirius said.  Then they all sat there, contemplating it.

"You know what I was thinking?" James said out of nowhere.  "We are so fucked up it's not even funny."

"I feel that." Sirius said, pretending to toast.

"So much stress." Remus said.

"True." Sirius said, nodding his head.

"So how is the fucked up bitch?" James asked Sirius.

"Fucked up and bitchy." Sirius answered, and starting to laugh.

"Nice." James said, laughing.  "It's sad, you know.  Women…."

"Ugh…. minions of the devil." Sirius said.

"Sent to torture all mankind." Remus finished.  "How, I don't know."

"It's the knockers mate.  Does it every time." Sirius said.

"Oh yea." James said.  "The ass too."

"Damn right." Sirius said.  "There's nothing like a nice ass."

"And legs…" Remus said.

"Oh that's right Moony, you're a leg man." Sirius said.  "Well, Nic's got 'em, nice ones too."

"Thanks." He said, nodding his head.

"Yes, because you had everything to do with them." James said.

"I did.  She takes care of them, cause of me."

"You don't screw with women though." James said.  "Whether nice tits, ass, or legs."

"No you don't.  See that's the thing Prongs." Sirius started.  "You made the very tragic mistake of screwing over your wife. You just don't do it."

"True." James said.  "I fucked a whole lot of shit up." He said, before he burped.

"Isn't it the fact that you _didn't_ screw your wife?" Remus said.  James glared at him.  "Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud."

"But still, she's a sight, right.  I'm gonna admit that. Hot girls you don't fuck around with, especially redheads.  It's like all their anger built up in their hair and shit.  It's fucking lethal." Sirius said.

"I know! But, seriously I didn't know what I was doin'. Narcissa is a beauty right? Could you blame me?"

"Whoa, ew, for one thing." Sirius said.  "And two, you knew she was a head case, stalkerish freak of nature.  Clingy as all hell. I swear, she is a disgrace to Lily mate.  Big, _big_ mistake.  You just, shouldn't have gone there."

"You don't think I know that? But it's all good, as long as she doesn't find out." He said, taking a sip of his drink.

"Bloke, are you sure about that?" Sirius asked.

"Yea. If she found out, don't you think she would have brought it up by now? And she'd be mad as all hell. I have a headache just thinking about it."

"Don't you think you should tell her?" Remus asked.

"Uh, no." James said.  "Why would I want to do that?"

"So she knows you're man enough to tell the truth….maybe, I dunno." Remus said.

"That's bullshit." James said.  "Hopefully, in time, she'll forget all about it."

"But you'll still feel guilt." Sirius said.  "Until you tell her. You even told me that you couldn't look at her without feelin' it.  You gotta tell her."

"Alright, but not today."

"Whatever, it's your conscience." Sirius said.  "And FYI, you can tell someone is lying to you by their lack of eye contact."

"Get off." James said.

"Way.  Mrs. Black lied to me today and I fucking knew."  Sirius said.  "Shame really, that it doesn't sink in when I tell her shit." He said, taking a swig of the bottle and stuffing another piece of the sandwich in his mouth.

"Like?" Remus asked.

"Like when I tell her she can tell me anything and that no matter what I'll always be there, blah, blah, blah…….she loves me, I know that, but she does a really shitty job showing it sometimes.  It's just lately really, this whole baby thing.  She's worried, I'm worried, we're all worried.  She's flipping out, and I can't blame her.  She's got a lot of weight on her shoulders, and on her hips for that matter……..and if I don't get laid soon--"

"Shit, she's pregnant mate!" Remus said.  "Do you really expect her to spread her legs when she has another _human being_ inside her?"

"Don't give me that. The least she could do is get on her knees and put her mouth on my bollocks—"

"You have absolutely no respect for the sanctity of motherhood, you wank-shaft." Remus.  "It's pathetic really."

"But she's impossible.  I love her, but she's making my life miserable!" 

"Yea mate, mus' be hard, married to someone like that." James said.  "Don't get me wrong, I love the girl to death, I mean, she's family, and she's a trip, but you have to admit she is sort of a liability."

"No woman is a liability." Remus said.  "You shouldn't say that." He said, clearing his throat.

"And last night, she was all like, cryin' and shit.  Made me feel really bad.  She said I was married to catastrophe."

"Damn. Morbid." Remus said. 

"Wow. Good thing you've got those painkillers." James said.

"Right." Sirius laughed.  "Whatever. I don't want to talk about this."

"We don't have to. We already waste time on it when we're sober." James said.

"Amen to that." Remus said.

"We need music." James said.  "What've you got?"

"I'm not getting up." Sirius said.

"Ugh, fine." James said.  "Where is it?" he asked, reluctantly getting up from his chair and sliding open the door.

"Right when you walk in, mate. Did you forget?" he chuckled.

"Shut up." James said, rubbing his eyes.  He flicked on the light switch.  "Shit it is bright in here!" Remus burst out laughing.  "Ok, let's see here…." He said, flipping through the records.  "We've got some Barry, some Beatles, Frank and Jimmy—"

"Jimmy." Sirius and Remus said together.

"Yeah." James said, and did so.  

The song started with the hard, heavy metal guitar in the background.  Sirius put his head back and just listened, his hands doing the strum of the guitar, every note in sync with the movement of his fingers.  

_"PURPLE HAZE ALL IN MY BRAIN   
LATELY THINGS DON'T SEEM THE SAME" _James started to sing.  He sat back down on the chair outside, and lit another cigarette.  Remus started to tap his foot on the ground.

_"ACTIN' FUNNY BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY  
'SCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THE SKY."_ Sirius joined in.  "Prongs, pass it." he said, and James handed him his cigarette. He took one long puff, and then passed it to Remus.

"PURPLE HAZE ALL AROUND  
DON'T KNOW IF I'M COMIN' UP OR DOWN." Remus belted out at full volume. 

"AM I HAPPY OR IN MISERY?" Sirius screamed expressively.   
"WHATEVER IT IS, THAT GIRL PUT A SPELL ON ME." All three shouted at once, and then broke out laughing.

"Oh man…." James said.

"Just like the good 'ole days." Remus said.

"Fuckin A man, this shit is good." Sirius said in between giggles.  "I want a woman."

"How animal of you." Remus said.

"Think the wives are back yet?" James asked, looking at his watch.  "Holy shit!"

What, what!" Sirius yelled.  

"It's five o'clock!"

"Seriously?" Remus said, trying to focus his eyes on his own watch.  It wasn't working.

"Damn it, we've got to go." James said.

"Ugh, I can't even see strait." Sirius said, rubbing his eyes.  Then he stood up and almost tumbled backwards.  James and Remus started laughing.  "Think it's funny, do you? Let's see you two do it."

They did, but with just as much difficulty.  They stretched a bit and shut off the record player in the house.  They decided to walk the whole five blocks to the Leaky Cauldron, hurrying, yet taking their time.  They walked in and tried to exert some manners and stability in their actions.

"Good they're not here." James said, glancing around.

"What'll it be boys?" Tom called from the bar.

"Water." They all said.

"Look, there they are now.  Oh, they look tired." Remus said.

"Look at them, they're knackered." Lily said walking in.  She was wearing a new outfit she had bought in Muggle London.

"Why? They did nothing all day, well, as far as we know." Nicole said.

"My feet are killing me." Diana said.

"Really? I don't think you told us that enough." Lily said.  

"You hungry?" Nicole asked, to no one in particular.

"I could eat." Lily said.  The three women walked over to the table their men were sitting at.  

"Hey!" the three men said, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.  The women looked at them, then each other, and started laughing so hard they dropped their shopping bags.

"What?" James asked when the ladies' laughter had ceased and they sat down next to their respective mates.

"Nothing." Lily said, shaking her head at them.

"You look pretty." James said, sounding like a child.  "Is that new?"

"No.  I scammed it off of this woman walking down the street.  Suits me nicely, don't you think?" she said, looking at it.

"You look sexy." James said.  "Used or not."

"Good, just the reaction I wanted." She said.  Then she leaned in closer.  "You should see what I'm wearing under it."

"Check please." James said, looking up.  She slapped him on the shoulder.

"Patience, James, patience." She said, while scanning the drink menu.  It was dinnertime so the menus were out and placed on every table.  "I bought you a present."

"Did you? Wow honey, that was nice." James said.

Lily reached down and pulled a clear box out of her shopping bag.  Inside was a dark red dress shirt.

"Isn't it fab, darling?" lily said.  "I saw it and thought of you.  It is the most fabulous shirt I have ever seen and it would look so fine on the sexiest man alive.  But I bought it for you instead." She said.

"Ha, ha.  Thank you baby, I love it." he said, giving her a quick kiss on the mouth.  "I will think of you every time I wear it."

"Good. Hopefully it'll prevent you from doing anything you might regret." She said, and gave him a sly wink.  He laughed nervously at her comment. _No guilt tonight_, he thought. _Nope, she looks too good tonight._

"Hi honey." Diana said, and kissed him on the cheek sweetly.

"Hi babe." He said, exaggerating his enthusiasm.  She giggled at him.  "So, you didn't buy a tent? Pity, we could have used one."

"No, they didn't have any in my size, unfortunately." She said, petting his hair tenderly.  He noticed this.

"Does this mean you missed me?" Sirius asked, before blowing a raspberry on her neck.

"What the—" she said, startled by his behaviour.  

"What? You just have such a tasty neck." He said, thinking that was an adequate response.  He continued to kiss her, and after a few seconds it started to feel very good.

"Sirius?" she giggled.  "Sirius, stop……stop, people are looking." She said, pointing to a couple, married she figured, staring at their table with impolite interest.  "What will they think? You kissing a pregnant, frumpy looking woman."

"I am a man, who thinks his wife is a vision of loveliness, and I just want to show her, that's all.  You are not frumpy." He said, looking displeased.  "And I don't give a shit what those spinsters think."

"Vision of loveliness?" she said, looking into his eyes.  Then she noticed something about them, something that made her irritated, but made her crack up just the same.  "Oh my god." She said.

"What?" he said, nervously.

She grabbed his chin and forced his face closer.  She stared deeper into his eyes.  "I can't believe you." She whispered, laughing.

"I don't know what you are talking about Miss Renton." He said, pulling away.

"I didn't think you were serious." She said, putting her hand over her mouth.

"But I was, and am Sirius, my dear.  Or did you forget?" he said, rubbing his eyes.

"Unbelievable." She said, shaking her head. "What the hell are you on?" she asked, her eyes tearing from laughter.

"Life, my love, life." Sirius said, taking a sip of his water, thinking he was incredibly intelligent.

"Oh yea, and this is just water retention." She said, pointing to her stomach.  "You are a trip."

"So they tell me." He said.  Then he looked at her bags.  "What did you get?"

"Shit." She said, shrugging.  "Lily made me buy them."

"Oh well, they're necessary right? And it's not a t-shirt." He said, surprised.

"Ha ha, No.  You like it?"  Sirius noticed she had changed into clothes that she had bought that day. She looked very lovely indeed, and feminine too.

"Stand up and let me see it." he said.  

"Alright." She said, reluctantly and pushed her chair over.  She stood in front of him, running her hands from the top of the outfit to the bottom.

"Lovely." he said, grinning.  "Now twirl."

She slapped his shoulder.  "You don't think I look too big?"

"Nope.  In fact, for a pregnant woman, you look incredibly delicious." He got up from his chair and walked behind her, scanning her deliberately, and rubbing his chin.  "Hmm, heels too."

"Stop that." She said, folding her arms in protest, but she had to admit, it felt good to be thought of as a sex object in the back of her mind.  He stopped behind her and began rubbing her stomach and kissing her neck again.  "You haven't shaved." She said, and turned around to face him.  "But that's ok, I like you rugged." She whispered, before kissing him on the mouth. 

"Mm, that's nice to hear.  And what is this little thing?" he asked, rubbing her thigh over her skirt.  "Does it come off easily?"

"Hey, you dirty people, would you mind terribly if we asked you to stop snogging and sit the fuck down?" Nicole spat, glaring at them, but laughing just the same.

"Yes ma'am." Sirius said, plopping down on his chair.  Diana remained standing.

"So you like the skirt do you?" she said, playing with the bottom of it, which came down to her knees.  "I like it.  I picked it because it swishes like a bell when I walk."

"Well ding, ding." Sirius said, intoxicated by her.  Then she went to her chair and sat down on it, but all the while feeling a pair of eyes on her.

"Is that all you've got?" he asked.

"No.  I got a couple of things, in Muggle London that I liked.  But they're for after the baby.  I just got them in my old size.  It was mostly for laughs though.  Lily's actually wearing hers."

"Let me see." He said.

"No." she laughed.  "It'll ruin the surprise." She said, touching his shoulder.

He grabbed her hand and kissed it.  When he finished she held it there, caressing the back of his hand with her fingers.

"Can I ask you a teensy, weensy little question?" Sirius asked, fiddling with her hair, which was pulled back halfway now.

"Yes?" she answered, amused.

"Well, you're pregnant right? So, what I want to ask you is, is the urge just gone? I mean, does it exist at all, or are you just totally not interested?"

"What, exactly, are you referring to? Sex?" she asked.  "Aw, is my love feeling neglected?" she asked, batting her eyelashes.

He sighed dramatically and gave her sad eyes.  "A little." He said.  

"Well, we'll just have to do something about that now won't we?" she said.

"You know they have rooms upstairs." He said.

"Then you can show me what a masculine, fierce, ruthless man you are." She said sensually.

"What's that? Are you—are you coming onto me Miss Renton?" he asked, putting his ear closer to her.

"Why I believe I am."  She laughed.  "And it's Mrs….." she said, kissing him.  "Love you, madly." She whispered.

"Love you, truly."

"Love you, deeply." She said, her eyes never once leaving his.

"Somebody shut them up!" Bellatrix moaned.  The entire day stuck at the Leaky Cauldron made her more vile than usual.

"Why don't you shut yourself up, Bella." Lucius sneered.  They had abandoned their disguises, but were positioned in such a way that they were not seen by the Marauders and their significant others.

"I think the both of you need to stop jabbering." Severus moaned.  "I have a headache."

"That's from all of the Firewhiskeys you've had, Severus." Lucius said, rubbing his eyes to wake himself up.

"Ugh, when are we going to do it already?" Bellatrix whined.  "I am beginning to go slowly insane."

"At least you had a break." Severus complained.  "We haven't even seen the sun."

"What time is it?" Lucius asked.

"After five is all I know." Bellatrix said, tugging her hair.

"Can they see us Severus?" Lucius asked.

"No, they're on the other side of the bar in the back." Severus said, pointing behind him.  "They can't hear us either."

"No, they're too wrapped up in their ridiculous little love lives to notice anything." Lucius sneered.  "Ugh, public displays of affection are so disgusting."

"What are they trying to prove?" Bellatrix said.  "It's like they want us to vomit."

"They are so faking it.  The lot of them." Lucius said.

"Whatever you say Lucius." Severus said, actually chuckling.

"You jest Severus." Bellatrix said.  "But I know you wish you were part of their little clique, don't you?"

"Don't be juvenile." Severus said, taking another gulp of his Firewhisky.  "They make me sick.  I _detest_ them." He sneered, and by his tone, they knew he meant it.  "Their cockiness, arrogance, always getting what they want even though they don't deserve it.  Taking advantage of brilliant, beautiful women to satisfy their appetite.  It makes me _sick_."

"Thinking about anyone in particular?" Bellatrix laughed.  Severus looked fiercely at her.

"It's not like you were being discreet." Lucius said.  "But that's ok, we understand, don't we Bella?"

"Oh sure.  Shame really, wasting lust on such a filthy creature—"

"Enough, Bellatrix." Severus said.  "She is not filth." He said, under his breath.

"Whatever you say.  We both know it's impossible, anyway." Bellatrix said, waving the possibility away with her hand.  "Oh and look at my cousin and his wife, sickeningly pathetic aren't they?"

"Ugh, why don't they get a room?" Lucius said.  

"I think they're planning on it." Severus said.

"Grotesque.  Why doesn't she just straddle him right there? It would be more prudent." Bellatrix complained.

"Because she's a tease, and a good one at that." Lucius said.  Bellatrix laughed.

"So I remember." She said.

"Yes, and as I recall." Severus began.  "Didn't Rodolphus try to sample her, quite indiscreetly, at your own wedding?"

"Well never mind." Bellatrix said, her smile fading.  "I am sick of sitting here.  I want to get it done, now!"

"Well we can't just walk up to them." Lucius said.  "We have to be careful about it.  How is this supposed to work Severus?"

"Well, the whole thing must be administered.  It can be either swallowed or injected, and takes twelve minutes to go through a woman's system." He said, lazily.

"Where did you get it?" Bellatrix asked.

"I brewed it."

"Where did you find it?" She asked.

"The Dark Arts Medical Journal.  But these things are legal now in the Muggle World, so things like this do not need to be resorted to." He said.

"Well, who's going to do it?" Bellatrix asked.

"I will." Lucius said.

"Fine.  Now all we have to do is wait until she gets up."  Severus said.

"What are the side effects?" Bellatrix asked.

"They're pretty severe." Severus said, guiltily.  "There's pain, abdominal, during and after; there's hallucinations and the state of being disoriented; nightmares, paranoia, and depression."

"Oh yay!" Bellatrix said.  "Too bad we won't get to see them." She said.

"Alright, drinks!" Lily called.  "What are we getting?"

"Scotch. Can we get food too?" James asked.

"Didn't you just eat?" Lily asked.  "Oh forget it. Nic, what are you getting?"

"Just a sherry." She said.

"I'll have a whisky." Remus said.

"Rum." Sirius said. 

"I am the only one getting a non-alcoholic beverage." Diana said.  

"Aw, poor you." Sirius said.

"Indeed, oh well.  I'll put the order in." Diana said.  

"No, Di, you don't have to, I'll do it." Lily said.

"No really, I don't care.  I'm closer anyway." She said.  "Tom!"

"Oy!" he replied.  "Mrs. Black? What can I get you?"

"Scotch, strait; a sherry; a whisky sour; Rum and Soda, and a Butterbeer for me." She said.

"That's it." Lucius said. 

"Wait until she goes up and gets it." Bellatrix said.

"Really, because I was going to do it telepathically." He said.

"Here ya go Diana! Come up and get 'em." Tom called from the bar.  

"Bottoms up Lucius." Bellatrix said, slamming a drink down in front of him.  He took it like a shot, and then hid his face behind his cloak.

Diana had to walk over to get the drinks, since they were in the back.  She grabbed her husband's drink, Lily's and James' first, then returned for the rest.  Carrying her Butterbeer and the other drinks back to the table, she suddenly felt someone run into her.  She jumped back and some of her drink spilled on her.

"Shit." She muttered. 

"Oh I am terribly sorry dear, terribly, _terribly_ sorry.  I should watch where I'm going shouldn't I?" the voice said.  It was a man, she could tell, an old, somewhat clumsy man, but his voice sent shivers through her, and she didn't like it.  It reminded her of someone. 

"It's alright." She said, although she wanted to slap him.  "No problem."

"I feel awful." The man said.  "Do you need help?"

"No, I'm fine." She said, trying to walk away.

"Oh well, splendid.  Again, I am terribly sorry." He said.

"Really, it's fine.  Happens to us all." She said, and walked back to the table.

"Have an accident?" Lily asked, giggling.

"Just a bit. Ugh, I hate people." She said, taking a sip of her Butterbeer.  Then she made a face.

"What?" Sirius asked. 

"Nothing. It just tastes different.  Not bad, but different.  I wasn't expecting it." She said.  "Probably just more caramel."

"Ah. Is it supposed to be that colour?" Sirius asked, picking up the glass.

"Yes dear. Don't be paranoid." She said.  "My taste buds are all out of whack anyway."

For the next eleven and a half minutes they talked, drank, and ate some of the bread that was sitting on the table.  The boys' personalities had been restored to normal and everything seemed as it should be.  However, after one of James' particularly funny jokes, Diana felt a harsh, sharp pain in her diaphragm.  She figured it was just a kick, until she felt it again, harder and more painful.  She made a noise from the second one, but no one seemed to hear her.  She decided to get up to go to the bathroom.  Maybe it's indigestion, she thought.  She excused herself and tired to walk, but she couldn't.  She was halfway across the floor when the pain hit her again and she screamed.  

"Yes, here we go." Bellatrix said, reclining, and taking off her hood. After all, _she_ had nothing to hide, she thought.

Lily, James, Nicole, Remus and Sirius jolted out of their seats when they heard it.  Upon getting up, Sirius knocked Diana's glass to the floor, shattering it.  Diana grabbed the bar to keep herself strait, but she ended up missing and falling to the floor.  Lily ran to her first, catching her before her head hit the bar.

"Diana? Sweetie, are you alright?" she asked, worried out of her mind. 

"What's the matter? Where does it hurt?" Nicole asked hastily, grabbing her hand.

Diana clutched her stomach.  It was burning with pain.  "Sirius." She whispered.

"I'm here, baby, I'm here." He said, pushing Nicole out of the way.

"Something's wrong." Diana said, groping for him.

"What's happenin' here?" asked Tom, peering over to see what all the commotion was about.

"I—I think she's—having contractions." Nicole said.

"That's not possible, you're only—" Lily started but was silenced by another scream.  

"No, it's too soon!" Diana yelled.  She began to get dizzy, unable to think clearly.  She began to sweat.

"Get her to a hospital." Remus said cautiously.

"Call a healer." James said.

"St. Mungo's is too far." Nicole said.  "We can't apparate to it."

"There's a Muggle hospital down the street." A woman said, who was sitting next to them at the bar.  

"Where?" Lily asked.

"St. Ann's, about two blocks down." She said, pointing to the Muggle London entrance.  

"We have to call Dumbledore." James said, hastily.

"Good idea." Remus said, trying to see how he could help in some way.

"Diana, you have to get up." Lily said, but Diana couldn't hear it.  The room was spinning and she was looking frantically for her husband.  She found him to the right of her and tried to steady her eyes.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, and started to cry.  "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? Baby, what are you—" Sirius started.

"Everything." Diana said, wincing in pain.  "It's all my fault."

"You're talking gibberish." Sirius said.

"Look at her eyes." James said.  "Look at the colour of them."

"They're violet." Nicole said.  "This is no accident.  She's been drugged."  Nicole put her hand over her mouth, starting to feel sick herself.

"Drugged?" Sirius shouted.  "Fuck." He said, and started looking around the pub, for a face, any face he thought might be the cause of this.  He didn't see them, but he knew they were there.

"Diana?" he asked, looking at her again, taking the hair away from her face.  "Come on, you have to stay awake." He said, propping her up.  When he did she yelped in pain.

She couldn't hear him anymore, well; at least she thought she couldn't.  She heard other things though; yelling, screaming, glass breaking, but they were not what were in front of her.  They were in the back of her mind.  Her eyes were open but her mentality was somewhere else, like she was tripping on something.  Well, she _was_ tripping on something.  She went numb from the waist down, and all she felt was someone picking her up, and begging her to keep her eyes open.

"Can you hear me?" Sirius said frantically.

She nodded feebly.  "I can't—I can't breathe."

"It's alright honey, it's ok.  We're getting you help.  Just keep listening to my voice."

"What's happening?" she whispered, grabbing her stomach.  "Sirius, can you feel me?" she said, rubbing his hand.

"Yes darling—"

"Sirius?" Lily said.

"What?" he asked, not looking at her.  He was looking worriedly at Diana, wondering what it was exactly that was making her act so strangely.  It scared him. Lily then handed him a vile, one that had been on the floor beside Diana's shattered glass.  He took it, surveyed it quickly, and then looked at Remus.

"I'll try." Remus said gravely, and stuffed it in his pocket.

"Hold on to me, love." Sirius said turning back to her, although she heard it as an echo.  His was the only voice she did hear.  He picked her up off the floor and forced her arms around his neck.  

Diana's eyes lazily scanned her surroundings and stopped at the front door.  She saw three figures; cloaked in black, leave the pub.  She would have made nothing of it but one of them made eye contact with her.  Despite its blurriness she saw that person raise their hand up to their lips, and blow her a kiss.  She started to cry.  It was the only thing she had energy for.  Then she screamed again, burying her face into Sirius' chest.

"Don't you die, don't you fucking die on me." He whispered to himself.  It now looked as though she had passed out, and her head kept bobbing like a cork.

The voices continued in Diana's head.  She was conscious but her eyes were closed.  They weren't the same voices as outside.  She heard violence and destruction and death; threats and screaming, she didn't understand it.  Images began flashing before her, and she still felt the pain, more defiant then ever, but she felt no movement.  She felt like she was being suffocated.  She couldn't breathe, or speak or move.  

The real world as well as the artificial one began to spin, so fast that she couldn't differentiate between the two.  Then, without warning it suddenly stopped. No pain, no sound, so sight, nothing.  All she heard was the sound of her own breath, in and out, steady.  She thought she saw a flicker of a light, a bright one, but then, as quickly as it came, it faded to black.  She couldn't tell then, where reality ended and the nightmare began……

(I know, I know, sad right. I feel so horrible :( But, canon, everyone, canon.  It can't be too AU, you know.  Thanks again for the reviews, and let me know what you want to happen regarding anyone of the characters (it's up to me whether I choose it though) I'm just curious.  If you hate me for this chapter, then you're going to want to kill me for the next one.  I love you guys, you are the best! Have a lovely, and cheerful day!)

Thank you's: 

Kiara Sedai (Kaeldra)~ wow, you changed your name, I like it :) anyways, thank you so much, I always love when you review, and I am glad you always have time to pop in and say hello :) your great!

Xnedra~ you know you are one of my favorites, and I LOVE your comparisons, whether of confectionary or whatever else you might come up with :) I don't mind that you've run out of things to say, happens to us all.  And wow, edge of your seat huh? That one made me happy, because I was worried about it. you lifted my confidence, and I adore you for it :)

ElegyStar~ you're lovely! Thanks for the compliment!

The-Girl-Who-Lived~ thanks so much I am glad you love it :)

Ingenious~thanks! And I will keep going :) you're lovely

Kim the writer(Ashley)~ you are the greatest, and I love that you like it so much!

Flamin phynix~ sorry its too angsty for you*shrugs*, but thank you anyway :)

Professional Scatterbrain~ thanks so much! I will keep it up :)

Dani~ I agree with you there, and I'm so glad you like it :)

Inluvwithjames~ I never did thank you for that wonderful drawing you did for me. I love it and it is on my desk as we speak. I was flattered and it was so creative :) I am glad you love it and there will be more fighting and fluff because I am a drama queen. Keep reading, love ya!

Melissa~ oh don't cry dear, it will be alright :) thank you for the compliment about my writing, it was very sweet :)

Chemically unbalanced~ thanks for the compliment! I'm so glad you like it:)

da90schick~ you are so awesome, you have no idea! Not only have you reviewed more than once, but both stories too! You are too cool :):)

littlepooh~ well, its been here, dear lol, for quite a while. I'm glad you like it, and I love that you think its touching:)

Carolinus Took~Thanks! I will :)

Chocolate Taco~ thanks for putting me on your favs and for loving my story so much you actually lost sleep over it:) thanks for reviewing the other too, you are too cool!

Lelegurl9~ I love them together too, and Diana DOES love him, a lot, she's just not good with affection.  And here's to great angst! I had to do it, you all know I had to. And yes, she did tell them about the Order.

Alexia S. Lucwit~ here's to you having your own account! Thanks for putting me on your favs and recommending me on your bio! You are awesome girl, and you know it! talk to you soon!

Wolvesaremylife1~ you flatter me too much, although I do love it :) thank you so much for your kind words and I am so happy that you like it. thanks for adding me to your favs! And I will tell you every time I update:) you're lovely. And the Muses have blessed me, I like how that sounds :)

Evil Goldfish~ its ok that you couldn't wait, I just sort of forgot that it was on that site. Oh well:) I'm glad you think it's awesome!

Senav Shania Gold~ I became fond of Snape during OotP too, weird huh.  Bellatrix does rule, even though she is evil, she is so much fun to write. Yes, I love mushy James too, don't we all:) and Baby Black…..*tear*……anyway, thanks dear, you rock! And I know it's two days late, don't penalize me for it *hides behind desk*, but I wasn't that late with it:)

Lily's Star~ thanks so much, you're lovely. I am so glad you like it!

Shorty~ thanks! You rock!

DancinEvy~ there you are dear:) thanks so much and I'm glad you don't think its pointless sometimes, lol. I will try not to keep you waiting for too long.

Chelly~ I answered your question I hope:) I'm glad you like it 

Feather~ I know you aren't up here yet (well obviously NOW you are, considering….)anyway, I have the need to thank you, because you are just too cool for words. Love ya!

And…I made it past 100! Woo hoo for me! (there is a party going on in my head) keep them coming! Love ya!


	19. The Only Way Out is to Run

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

A/N: What you are about to read, this first italicised section is NOT real!!! It is just a nightmare. A terrible nightmare, and one I was unsure I wanted to include.  I don't know what possessed me, but it's written here anyway.  If you don't want to read it, skip it, I advise.  It doesn't matter; it will be discussed later on in the chapter.  Again, this is a depressingly angsty nightmare, so if you don't want to be scarred, skip it. (I realize by telling you this will probably make you want to anyway, but I warned you) oh and by the way, in the last chapter, the Marauders were stoned, not drunk.  Have a lovely day :)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~

_Breathing…..in and out, hard and soft…….darkness, dead space, air, emptiness……..then out of nowhere a light, to where she didn't know.  All she heard was the sound of her own body movements, getting up, off a bed of some sorts, feeling heavy, and aged.  Her joints were stiff and her back ached.  She felt the urge to get up and she did so, still seeing only that light._

_It grew brighter, than dimmed as she got closer.  She was in a place, a house, a living room.  She looked around with confusion, still feeling weary, and by no means relaxed.  _

_Where is my child, where is my baby? She wondered.  She no longer felt the weight, but somehow thought everything was all right._

She winded a small corridor with concentration before she stopped.  She heard someone speaking, no, whispering, and the loud creaking of a rocking chair.  The eeriness frightened her, but she continued slowly on.  

_There was a mirror in front of that room, and a lamp behind a masculine figure blurred the distinction of the features, and she recognized nothing, but tried to listen, to make out anything._

_"Aww, look at my little baby, yes……you're daddy's baby……I'm so proud of you honey, my little angel……daddy loves you so much…….My girl….my best girl…."_

_The voice she knew, the character she did not.  Something was different, off, something altered in the timbre that made it sound ancient and weary, but tender just the same._

_"Sirius?" Was the word that came out of her mouth.  When she heard it she barely recognized her voice.  It was hard, cold, trembling._

_He looked up as she entered the room, obviously bothered, changed, as if she was an intruder, someone clearly unwanted.  Her narrowed his eyes at her, a gesture she didn't understand, but her breath remained heavy._

_"What?" he answered in a tone that made her jump.  She wasn't aware of anything.  She was surprised, yes, so much she actually stepped back.  It wasn't much the fact that she startled him; it was the fact that she heard loathing in his tone, a way she had never been addressed by him, even in adolescence. _

_"What—what are you doing?" she asked, swallowing her saliva carefully._

_"I can't sit with my daughter?" he said, returning his gaze to the sleeping child in his arms, showing affection for it like he was holding a precious treasure._

_"Daughter? What—"_

_"Don't be smart with me.  What do you want?" he asked, cutting her off, no longer bothering to look at her.  He picked the child up, resting its sleeping head on his chest, and walked over to a tiny crib, no bigger than a bassinet.  With great care he lowered the baby, making desperately sure she didn't wake up._

_"I just—" Diana said, looking back and forth between her husband and the child, the blonde child.  "Sirius, what happened?" she said, desperately.  "Last thing I remember—"_

_He looked at her once more, showing neither acceptance nor cheerfulness at her entrance.  He just sighed and walked past her, as if not wanting to believe she was there.  His blatant coldness struck a nerve with her, and she grew upset._

_"Shouldn't you be in bed?" he asked lazily as he walked into the living room.  _

_She followed the sound of his voice.  It was when she saw him sitting on the couch, head back, drink in one hand and cigarette in the other, that she felt like she was going to cry.  He looked older, too much older, aged but not elderly.  He looked tired, worn out, depressed, as if years had passed by.  This was not the man from the Leaky Cauldron; not the man she thought of as her husband.  He was a stranger, but yet it was still him, unmistakably._

_"Why would I be in bed?" she asked quizzically.  "I don't—"_

_"Don't ask stupid questions.  Playing the twit is incredibly overused with you."_

_"What's going on?" she asked shakily.  "Sirius why—"_

_"Oh, shut up." He said harshly, beginning to rub his temples.  "If you say one more dim-witted word I will be forced to get up from this sofa and teach you a lesson in the art of silence." _

_She was nervous and scared by his comment.  But for some reason she felt like he meant what he said, so she didn't challenge it.  Instead she chose to approach him, carefully, but approach just the same. Her ragged, long nightgown swished as she walked, but made no noise as she sat down beside him._

_The sudden movement next to him jolted him up, and he looked at her bizarrely.  When she tried to touch his hand he reared back and got off the couch completely. _

_"What are you doing?" he growled._

_"Honey, what's the matter?" she stuttered, perplexed and bewildered beyond her dreams.  "You're really scaring me."_

_He stopped and started laughing sinisterly.  "Honey? Oh, what's wrong, is he busy tonight?"_

_"Who—"_

_"Oh it makes sense now.  I get it." he said, walking into a bedroom.  "When boredom strikes, there will always be Sirius, isn't that right, my wife?"_

_Suddenly, she became angry.  So angry she shot up and stormed in there after him.  She wasn't going to put up with this, not then, not ever.  Confused or not, she found it totally uncalled for._

_"Why are you being this way?" she asked.  "Tell me, please, why?" Her voice sounded like an echo, distant and unfamiliar._

_He looked at her, blinking to focus her properly, and then smirked his face away.  "Sit down." he snarled, still not looking at her.  She didn't, instead she crossed her arms.  "I said sit down!" he screamed.  _

_"Don't you yell at me Sirius Black!" she said, pointing her finger at him.  "You have no right--"_

_"Don't I?" he yelled back.  "Ugh, why do you always make me shout at you?" he said, running his fingers hurriedly through his hair._

_"I am your wife!"_

_"Are you now? Well, that's an interesting way of looking at it." he laughed, and she saw him take a glass off of the nightstand, and swallow something._

_"What the bloody hell—" she said angrily.  "What is that?"_

_"Something—Something to drown you out so that I can breathe." He said calmly.  She was silent for a few minutes, watching him, trying to decipher him.  Why, she thought.  Why was he acting this way?_

_"How could you?" he said after a while.  He sniffed and she thought she saw him wipe away something off of his cheek.  "How could you?" he sneered, now under his breath.  Then he turned abruptly and addressed her directly.  "Get out of my bedroom, you're poisoning the atmosphere." he said quickly, motioning to the door with his arm._

_"How could I what?" she asked.  "Sirius what the hell is wrong with you? I don't deserve this--"_

_"What's the matter, Diana, am I too loud for you?!" he screamed.  "Now don't make me wake the child—"_

_"Stop it! Stop it!" she yelled.  "Oh my god, what's happened to you? I think I--" she said, feeling sick._

_"No, Diana, this is not about you. Now you are going to finally hear me out this time!"_

_"What?"_

_"Shut up and listen to me!"_

_"Listen—"_

_"Now at first I thought, you want to throw me out, then that's fine—"_

_"Why would I—"_

_"But hear this…he is NOT taking my place, not ever!"_

_"Are you out of your mind?" she said; looking at him, rage in his eyes.  _

_"Look that this place. This couch, our bed, these things, this whole house is mine!" he screamed.  "Answer me a question, Diana?"_

_"What?"_

_"How could you let him sleep in our bed?" he cried, upset now more than angry.  She didn't know what to believe._

_"What are you saying? Sirius you're deranged—"_

_"Interrupt me again, my love, and I will silence you myself!………Oh god…..Look at your husband now!" he said, nearing closer to her._

_"No!"_

_"I said look at him! Look at what you have done to me!"_

_"You are NOT my husband!" she yelled, tears swelling her eyes.  "I don't know what you are!"_

_"Oh here it is! Let me have it Diana! Go ahead!"_

_"Why are you doing this?" she cried._

_"Why? Because you fucked me Diana. You really did a number on me. God, I never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me.  But we were young then Diana, I was only 25.  It was years ago—"_

_"I have no idea—" she said, panicking._

_"No you wouldn't would you?" he cried.  "You love him don't you?"_

_"What?!" she said, grabbing his wrist._

_"Get away from me! Don't touch me!" he yelled, storming out the door.  _

_"Sirius! Sirius!" she yelled.  "Tell me, tell me what's wrong!" she said, crying now._

_"No! You have ruined me! I HATE you! I hate you!" he screamed, grabbing her forcefully by the shoulders.  She grabbed his face to calm him down.  He shook her off.  "I swear to God I hate you!"_

_He pulled back and ran into the kitchen, grabbing a drink and gulping it, then he plopped down on the tile._

_"Oh my god…" he said, burying his head in his hands.  He started to sob. "I love you." He whispered._

_She approached him slowly, crouching next to him.  She touched his face with her hand, sobbing loudly.  "How could you do this to me?" he whimpered.  "How could you do this to me?"_

_"I'm sorry. Whatever it is I'm so sorry.  I love you Sirius, you know that—"_

_"Don't you lie to me!" he yelled.  "All these lies, nothing but lies.  You did this to us, you did it, it's your fault." He cried, wiping his eyes.  "Oh my god, I'm cracking up."_

_"Sweetheart…..Sirius….you're drunk."_

He put his hand on her shoulder. 

"I know." He sneered. 

"What's happened to you?" she whispered.

"I'll tell you, for the last time, I'll tell you.  You happened to me, you.  And I can't take you anymore.  You have killed me, us.  Everything about you is a lie.  Everything I believed and loved is a lie." His hands moved to her neck, and tightened there.  She tried to pry it off but he just clasped tighter.  

"Sirius what are you doing?" she said frantically.  "Please, I love you, stop this." She cried.  "I don't understand."

"Heartless creature…." He whispered.  "You were supposed to love me……"

"I do love you, honey……" She touched his cheek with her hand.

His grip tightened and she pulled away.  "Shh, don't talk……..my wife, my angel, my insanity……Who knew, something so evil……could have such a beautiful face……"

"Sirius.  Sirius I—I can't breathe."

"I know, ma chere, I know, that's the idea." He cried.  

"No—no please, the child, think of the child—" she cried, although her voice was now dry and raspy.

"That child is no more yours than she is mine……..you are no mother, just as I am not her father. And whose fault is that? Mine? No. Yours……This is the future, the one you've spent you're whole life trying to avoid."

"Sirius—" she said, the dizziness starting again.  She saw things blurry, and she still couldn't breathe.

"Now shut up Diana, and get what's coming to you…….." And with his hands closed around her throat, with not even a kiss goodbye, he silenced her…………….

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

She woke up gasping and sweating in the cold, sterile hospital bed.  She felt disoriented and anxious, looking everywhere for someone, something that was even remotely familiar.  Nothing, there was still no noise, no movement.  She could feel her body trembling and she looked down and saw it draped in what seemed to be a white patients robe.  She was in a hospital, a muggle hospital.  

Her hands found her neck rather quickly and she started to cry.  She was awake.  She was truly awake, and it was now, or was it then, she didn't know, she didn't care, but she was conscious, up and about, but she wasn't happy, by no means could she have called herself cheerful, or in high spirits.  She was downright miserable, and at that moment she realized, not only was she in a room, in a hospital, but also she was completely and unreservedly alone.

~*~

They all sat there, in the tiny hallway, watching people pass by, some with patients, nurses, doctors, visitors with flowers, wheelchairs; some thrilled, some grave, others expressionless.

Lily sat perched against Nicole, their hands together, fingers intertwined, dry tears on their cheeks.  Lily's other hand was joined with her husband's, and he was stroking it affectionately.  She looked at her surroundings.  No one bothered to talk, or wanted to for that matter.  No one would know what to say besides.  They were all feeling the same and they knew it. 

Lily glanced over at James to find him staring back at her.  He smiled warmly and she did the same.  She looked back at Nicole, who was leaning against her, shaking with worry.  Remus' hand was on her shoulder, and he was kissing her forehead.

Sirius was in front of her directly, and he was busying himself with a deck of children's playing cards he had found on the waiting room table, shuffling them frantically, trying to steady his hands.  That was the only sound to be heard, the violent ripping of the cards, the scratchy shuffling in sync with the beating of his own heart, loud and hasty.

They were waiting for something, anything, news, updates, but nothing came.  Lily feared the worst, but the worst was open for interpretation.  Surely death would be the worst, the most unpleasant and horrifying.  It was what was expected after all, although no one would ever admit it, especially not in front of Sirius.

Lily saw him get up after a while, no one knew how long.  He tossed the cards on the side of him, most carelessly, and walked down the hallway, not making eye contact with anybody.  His footsteps stopped and they heard a door open and close.  Lily leaned her head forward and saw the sign on the door.  The men's room, she thought, and resumed her position.  All heads turned when Nicole decided to speak.

"Do you think he's alright?" she asked in a whisper.  Her voice sounded shaky.  After all, she hadn't spoken but for crying.

"I don't know….." Remus answered, shaking his head.

"I doubt it." James said. 

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, straitening up.

"Think about it." he said.  "Last night he had his wife and a child on the way.  He was aggravated at times, but contented nonetheless.  He was going to be a dad.  He was going to have a family. Now he's not even sure he has his wife, let alone a child.  He feels empty, I would think.  His life is different now."

"She's alright though." Nicole said.  "She's got to be alright."

"We don't know Nic." James said.  "We just have to hope I guess."

"If only I could find out what it was that was smuggled into her drink." Remus said.  "And by whom."

"Isn't it obvious Remus?" Lily said.  "Death Eaters did it."

"Yes, Lily, I gathered that, but, who? I didn't see any familiar faces in there did you?" Remus said.

"No I suppose not." She said.  "But that man, the one she ran into……do you think, maybe….."

"He was old though, remember." Nicole said.

"Yes, but….." Lily said.  "Don't you think it was a little bit of a coincidence?  It could have been—"

"Polyjuice." Remus said.

"Yes." Lily said.

"I don't know how we'd find that out for sure, but whatever she was given, well, its purpose was clear."

"But, why? Why would someone want to do that?" Nicole asked.

"To diminish the line, I would think." James said.

"What line?" Nicole asked.

"The Black line and the Figg line.  Remember, her mother was Alison Figg, the last pureblood Figg, Diana is her daughter……two birds with one stone--"

"Heir of Ravenclaw diminished, and the Black blood remains untainted, incredible." Lily said.

"What's going on out here?" Sirius asked, drying his hands on his pants and chewing on a piece of gum from the vending machine in the bathroom.  "What are we talking about?"

"Quidditch." James and Lily said together.

"Oh, well, I—um, I'm going to go take a walk outside." He said, knowing they were lying.  He knew, because James and Lily looked at the floor as they said this.

"For how long?" James asked.

"As long as it takes." Sirius said, trailing off down the hallway.

"Damn it." James said, scratching his head.

"I want to see her." Lily said.

"We can't see her Lily, you know that." James said.

"Why not? She's right there.  The doctors won't see." She said.

"What if she's dead? Do you really want to be the one to see that?" Remus asked.

"She is not dead.  If she were she would be in the morgue by now." Lily said.

"You don't know that Lily." James said.

"Screw this.  We are not going to get anywhere by waiting for someone to tell us when and for how long we are going to see her.  She is my friend, and these Muggle doctors don't know what's wrong.  All they know is that she's miscarried five months into her pregnancy and for no apparent reason.  But we know, we all know, and I'll be damned if I am going to let her die out here when I can help her in there." She said, pointing to the room opposite her.

"Lily, please keep your voice down." Nicole said.

"No." she said, standing up. "We have been here for twelve hours, watching, listening and waiting for nothing, while Sirius buries himself alive in his own misery.  I won't have it.  Not while I'm alive and breathing, I will not sit here and watch the people I love most suffer.  I'm going in there."

"Lily, no." James said, grabbing her arm.

"I'm coming in too." Nicole said.  

"Why?" Remus asked.

"Because I want to know if she's alright, without some worthless doctor telling me so.  I want to hear it from her lips." She said.  

Remus and James left their women alone on that one.  That kinship none of them dared to break, or even try to penetrate.  It was impervious, so they sat back down, as Lily and Nicole opened the door.

It was a typical room, white and sterile in appearance.  The walls with a sickening off-white wallpaper, reminiscent of tiny daisies scattered in neat, diamond shaped patterns, so perfectly situated that it created a sort of pointed arrow towards the bed, which was so conveniently situated in the centre of the room.

Lily and Nicole held hands as they entered, but breathed as they saw her, asleep it seemed, laying flat on the hard hospital mattress, the smooth pillows hardly supporting her neck, which was uncomfortably resting on her shoulder.

They walked slowly to her bed, and their relief was evident on their faces as they saw her chest rise and fall.  Lily took her right side, while Nicole took her left.

They sat there for about a quarter of an hour.  Lily was holding her hand and Nicole was dabbing her face with a wet cloth.

"It's not fair." Nicole said.

"I know." Lily said. 

"There is just, so much death, and pain.  I don't know how much more of this I can handle." Nicole said, starting to cry again.  "All this…..suffering."

"Nic, please don't cry.  You wouldn't want her to wake up and see you cry—"

"I've been up Lil, but your concern is much appreciated."  They heard a dry, raspy voice say.

Lily and Nicole looked to the centre of the bed to find Diana very awake.  Nicole took the cloth off her forehead instantly, and threw it to the side.

"You didn't have to stop.  It was the best spa treatment I've had yet." She said.

"You're alright." Nicole said, hugging her.  "I knew you would be."

"How do you feel?" Lily asked, still holding her hand.

Diana cleared her throat and just shrugged.  "Where have you all been?" she asked.

"We've been here, just outside." Lily said.

"This whole time?" she said, coughing.

"Yea." Lily said.

"I woke up about an hour ago.  I didn't hear anything."

"We weren't talking." Nicole said.

"Oh." She said.  "What, um, what happened to me?" she asked, reluctantly.  Nicole and Lily looked at each other, then at her.

"Diana, you—you don't remember?" Lily asked.  Diana shook her head.  "Well, um, what exactly is the last thing you do remember?"

"Don't make her relive anything, Lily, just tell her what happened." Nicole said.

"In a nutshell." Diana said.  "Enlighten me."

"Well, um, after the Leaky Cauldron we brought you here, the hospital…….you weren't awake but, well, you were screaming." Lily gulped.  

"Where am I now? What ward?" Diana asked, trying to prop herself up, but she felt sore in her joints, from the waist down particularly.

"Um….." Lily sniffed.  "Maternity.  They didn't know where else to put you."

"Oh." She said, nodding.  Her hands were at her sides and at that moment she decided to reach under her covers and feel her stomach.  She knew.  She didn't want to believe it but she knew.  She felt something, like wire, but not as hard.  Stitches, right where her uterus was, about twelve of them.

Diana felt her eyes begin to sting and grow watery.  "Where is it?" she asked, trying to steady her voice.  Lily and Nicole knew what she meant, but didn't say a word.  Their eyes were forming tears as well.  "Well, don't give me blank stares.  My child, where is my baby?  Is she alright?"

"Well, honey….." Lily hesitated.  "The baby, well, um…." Her lip began to quiver and all she could do was shake her head and look away.

"No." Diana said, falling back into her sleeping position.  "No."  She buried her face into her pillow and started to cry uncontrollably.  Lily and Nicole joined her, less dramatically, and more silent.  

"It will be alright." Nicole said, petting her hair, trying to steady her voice.

"But—How?" Diana cried.  "God, why did they do this to me? I did everything, everything they'd ever wanted me to.  I thought they'd come after us, but I never thought—I never thought they'd actually kill it." she sobbed.  "Why, why? Anything but that, they should have taken me."

"Shh, Diana don't talk like that, you didn't know—" Lily said.

"But I did." She cried.  "I did and I told him, I told him I couldn't have it, that it was a curse, that nothing good would come from this.  But he didn't listen to me, and I told him.  He said it would be fine, that we'd be fine, and he was wrong, we were wrong….."

She continued to cry, and after a few minutes Nicole had to leave the room.  She was so disheartened that she couldn't handle her friend so upset.  Lily decided to stay and comfort her, and didn't fault Nicole for leaving, for she wanted to do the exact same thing.  She sat sown on the bed beside Diana, and continued to hold her hand, stroking it, watching her.  Lily didn't know if it was bottled up depression or post-pardom, but she felt her pain like she had felt her own.  She got up and got her some tissues.  Diana took them willingly and sat upright on her bed, tears still streaming. 

"I'm sorry, Lily.  I am so sorry." She said, sniffing.  Lily sat back down again with her, and wrapped her in a sisterly hug.  "Oh Lily…." Diana cried.  "Strong, beautiful, intelligent Lily……..whatever I have done to you, I am sorry.  You all shouldn't have to put up with such things.  These aren't your problems. They're mine.  You shouldn't suffer because of me.  And Lily, there—there is something I—I want to tell you, that I've been meaning to tell you."

"Whatever you want." Lily said.

"I admire you Lily."

"Why?" Lily said, starting to chuckle sympathetically.

"Because…….you are just so, trusting and forgiving.  You took James back even though he was unfaithful to you.  He put you second for a time and you took him back, you took him back because you love him.  You took your morals and your pride and just said 'fuck it.  I love that man.  I am his wife and I'll be damned if I let some bitch tear us apart.'  James loves you so much, the sweet man.  He screwed up and you took him back, you gave him another chance.  That is a beautiful thing Lily, because everyone deserves a second chance.  No matter what I said before I always wanted you two back together and I knew you would be.  You did what you wanted.  You chose him and knew that you two were meant to be.  I admire that Lily.  It is a beautiful thing."

"Well thank you.  But, I haven't been through as much as you.  I love you so much, Diana. We all do.  All we want is for you to be all right.  You'll get through this.  You have so many times before—"

"It's different now.  It's not just my petty, useless little life anymore." She said.  "You would all be so much better off……I—I should have ended it years ago."

"Diana, sweetheart, please, don't say such things.  You know that we're stronger together than apart.  I need you……Sirius needs you."

"Sirius doesn't need me." She said, defiantly.

"Yes, he loves you so, my dear.  You're his wife, of course he needs you."  Lily tried, but she knew no amount of reassurance would make her see it.  She didn't like the way she sounded, but she didn't know what else to say.

"I will be the death of him." Diana said, wiping her eyes with a napkin.  "He will hate me for it.  I've screwed up once and I'll do it again.  He won't recover from me.  He'd rather kill me than have me torment him, destroy his spirit.  With me gone he'll be able to live a normal life, maybe have a child with some nice girl from London, or Wales.  He deserves it.  There are things, so many things I cant give him."

"He's been waiting out here, with us.  He's beside himself, Diana.  You don't know how hurt he is."

"And it's my fault he's that way.  All of our happiness, our splendour in the grass, it is over, and it's all downhill from here."

"Do you want me to get him? He should be back—"

"No. I don't want to see him." She said, waving the idea away.

"He wants to see you."

"Does he know? About the baby?" Diana asked.

Lily nodded.  "I think he's more worried about you though."

"I don't think it is such a good idea—"

The door opening swiftly interrupted Diana.  She and Lily were startled, but Lily got up, and kissed Diana on the forehead without a word.  

Sirius held the door open for her as she left, and Lily shut the door behind them.

"Hi." He said, with his hand shoved awkwardly in his pockets.

She tried to brush the hair away from her face and wipe her eyes again.  He pulled up a chair and sat to the right of her.

"Hi." She croaked out, feeling her eyes swell again.  The room was silent for a few minutes while they just looked at each other.  She noticed how tired he looked, and he still did not bother to shave.

"How did you sleep?" He asked, although it was barely audible.  She heard the lump in his throat as he tried to speak.

"Not so good." She squeaked, trying to fight back her tears, but one had managed to squeeze through.  "And you? Did you get any rest at all?"  She said, wiping her nose.

"No." he said, and wiped his eyes quickly, trying to force crying out of his system.

"What's that two days now?" she asked.

"Probably." He said.  "Seems like longer though."

She nodded.  "Yea, I can see that."

"Well, do you need anything? Is there anything I can get you?" he said, solemnly.

"No, I'm fine." She said, then she smirked.  "Come to think of it, the room service in this place is appalling."

He cracked a smile.  "The vending machines don't work either."

"We should write a letter." She said, sniffling.

"File a complaint." He added.

"They still out there?" she asked, cocking her heads towards the door.

"Yes."

"What were you doing? Lily said you all had been out there this whole time."

"Well, I learned how to shuffle properly." He said.

"Nice to know you weren't wasting your time." She said.

"Never." He said, noticing the bags under her eyes, and the fact that she was squirming slightly.

"You could deal poker next time." She said.

"We don't play poker." He said, and smiled.

"We could learn.  And with your newfound skills, we can't lose right?" she said, looking at him most interestingly. She could tell he was trying to observe her, and it made her even more self-conscious.

"Of course not."  He took her hand in his and started stroking it lovingly. 

"Your hands are cold." She said.

"I was outside before." He answered, looking at her hands.

"But it's hot outside, isn't it?" she asked, looking at the window, which was drenched in sunlight.  "It's in here where it's freezing."

"Well, I can't tell you then." He said.  "Your hands are warm though.  You look like you've been sweating, your face is terribly red."

"I—um, had a bad dream I suppose.  It sort of overheated me."

"What about?" he asked.

"Nothing.  It was stupid really." She said, taking her hand back.

"Well, if you don't want to talk about it—"

"Why did you come in here?" she asked, folding her hands in front of her.

"Oh." He said, scratching his chin.  "Nicole, um, said you were awake."

"I just got up."

"Are you still in pain?" he asked.

"A bit.  It's not terrible."  She said, playing with the seam of the sheets.

"Why didn't you want to see me?" he said, rather quickly.

"What? What do you mean?' she asked naively, concentrating awfully hard on undoing a particular thread. 

"That door over there." He said, pointing to the entrance.  "They're not soundproof."

She didn't know how to respond to this.  "Uh—oh………I didn't know that."

"Are you afraid of me Diana?" he asked.

"No." she said, shaking her head.  "No, darling, I'm not.  I just—I don't know—I, I thought you just, wanted to be alone for a while."

"I needed to think, yea." He said.

"What were you thinking about?" she asked.

"Nothing of importance." He said, getting up off of his chair.  

He started walking around the room, examining it, peering at the window as if he found what was going on outside a lot more interesting.  She watched him, his every move, his gestures, seeing if they were similar, weary, and angry, but they weren't.  He looked fed up honestly.  She could tell by the way he kept sighing in and out, still staring out the window.  They heard the sound of a bicycle horn, reminiscent of a bell, and a laughing child peddling quickly through the streets.

"I'm sorry Sirius." She said.

"You've no need to be.  It wasn't your fault." He said without expression.  "You had no way of knowing."

"So you know? You know who did this to me?" she asked.

"I know how it happened, yes.  There seems to be no other explanation.  These things don't just happen." he said, opening the window slightly to let some air in.

"You seem to feel very casual about it." she said, reclining back, unnerved by his strange attitude.

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now, Diana.  I really don't." he said, as a warm breeze began to filter the room.  He tried to fix his hair, absentmindedly, and began to neaten his shirt a bit.  He hadn't changed in quite a while.  Diana sat there, still staring at him, remembering bits and pieces of what she had dreamt.  Echoes permeated through her head.

"I can't take you anymore………….  You have killed me, us………Everything I believed and loved is a lie…….. I hate you! I swear to God I hate you!……..You did this to us, its your fault…….now shut up, Diana, and get what's coming to you….."

"Why do you love me Sirius?" she said snapping out of it.  It was barely louder than a whisper, but he turned as she said it anyway.

"What kind of a question is that?" he asked, crossing his arms.

"Think about it.  Don't you think, maybe, there is…..no reason for you to." She said.

"I need a reason?" he asked, flabbergasted.  "I can't just enjoy your company?"

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"No."

"Well, it's just that, how do you know, one day, you'll stop enjoying my company?  What if you get tired of me?  It could happen."

"No it couldn't.  Where did you get that idea?" he asked.

"Sirius, lets be honest.  I am not exactly the easiest person to get along with."

"I don't care.  Neither am I.  What does this have to do with anything?"

"You'll get tired of me.  You will.  And I—I cant give you what you want.  I told you, Sirius, you, and I, we don't work—"

"Don't work?!" he said, pushing himself back in surprise.  He almost fell out the windowsill.  "What are you saying?"

"I can't make you happy.  You're miserable, I know you are, and don't say that you aren't.  I know you love me but I know I drive you crazy—"

"I like that you drive me crazy." He said, exasperatedly.  He began to pace.  "I love it because you make it interesting.  If I were comfortable—"

"See, I make you uncomfortable."

"Damn it Diana, that's not what I meant.  What are you saying?  Do you want a divorce? Is that it?"

"Do you?" she asked, her voice getting louder.

"Of course not!  But if you think we don't work and I don't make you happy—"

"You do make me happy.  I love you.  I just, I cant take it when you're unhappy and I know it's all my fault." She said, starting to cry again.  He walked over to her and sat on the side of her bed, taking her hand.  He started kissing her forehead and her hair.  "All I wanted was for us to be happy, to have all those things you want.  That family, that house with the little pool and the parties.  Can't you see Sirius? I can't give you that.  We'll never have that, not as long as there is a war, not as long as I keep hurting you.  I told you, I told you this was a mistake that I couldn't have a child, but you didn't listen to me, and now look Sirius.  Look at us.  It's all gone."

"We'll leave." He said, and put her head on his chest.  "We'll go away from here for a while.  We'll come back when it's safe."

"I don't want to go anywhere." She sobbed, pushing herself away.  "Running isn't going to change anything."

"Running is all we've got." He said, raising his voice a little.

"No.  I wont have you running away.  You don't run away, you have nothing to run away from.  You have your life and a job, and friends and I don't want you to leave all of that."

"You are my life.  Don't you see that? I wouldn't be who I am if not for you.  You are my wife, damn it, and if you are running, I am running with you."

She sighed.  "You're not listening to me."

"Then, please, tell me what I am missing."

"Me, I am the problem and you think I am some—some—I don't know what, but whatever it is it isn't true, and one day you'll realize that and—"

"And what?" he said, incredibly frustrated. 

"You'll--you'll change, Sirius.  I'll do something, I don't know what, but, you'll grow to despise me.  It wont be too difficult, but think.  We've only been married four years right, and look at all that's happened.  Add ten to that.  Do you really think, that with all this, suffering, pain, death, lying, cheating all around us that you will still see me as you do now?"

"That was the plan." He responded.  "I said 'till death didn't I?"

Her eyes grew misty again.  "Yes you did.  But—"

"Stop it.  Don't say anything else." He said.  "This is how it is with you.  You never used to be this way.  You were fun and happy, and sweet, and I adored you.  Now you're this—this depressed person, constantly negative. It's only been since—" he paused.  "Since you got pregnant."

"And I'm sorry for that. I am sorry I got myself knocked up and ruined everything." She said, crossing her arms.  "I'm sorry I gave you false hope."

"First of all, I was the one who knocked you up, remember?  You—you're the one who didn't want it; Diana, and that hurt me.  I thought you didn't want it, because………I don't know, because it was mine—"

"Excuse me but is everything alright in here? I heard some shouting." Came a voice and when Sirius turned he saw a young, brown haired, sweet faced candy striper.

"Fine." Diana said.

"Do you need anything miss?" the girl asked.  "Perhaps you would like me to bring your baby in here?" she said with a smile.  " I know that would brighten me up."

"No." Diana said, turning her face away.

"Well what's the name? I'm sure you'll be happier once you see it—"

"That won't be necessary.  The baby is in the incinerator by now." Sirius said harshly.  The girl looked at him with intense embarrassment and her cheeks grew very red.

"Oh—I—I'm sorry Miss, I didn't know that you were—um—one of those.  I am terribly sorry."

"That's alright." Diana said, staring at Sirius with a bit of sympathetic loathing.

"Well now, Mrs. Black is it?" a woman with a white coat said upon entering the room.  She was staring with a clipboard and had a horrid personality, Diana could tell, from the second she entered the room.

"Yes?" Diana answered, without much compassion.

"Well, considering your circumstances we are obligated to send you home after forty-eight hours, and since there is no living child with which to take home, we need the room for those actually giving birth." She said, rapidly, jotting little notes onto her clipboard.

"Are you the healer?" Sirius asked.

"I'm the doctor." She said, thinking he was a little dense in the head.  "Now, what symptoms do you have? Any nausea, abdominal pain, dizziness?" she asked, for the first time making eye contact with Diana.  She didn't wait for an answer.  She walked over to her bed and started examining her from sight.  She grabbed her left arm and checked her pulse.

"Is your arm normally this red?" She asked, looking at what seemed to be a rash that spread all over her left arm.

"Um, no." Diana said, swallowing.

"Well, probably just a rash.  We've already taken blood and your levels are normal.  You just need to rest for the remainder of today and tomorrow before we send you and, I'm assuming this is your husband, home.  Now the stitches can come off in a week or so, but I would advise you not to do any exercises that overexert you too much until then.  Is all of this clear?" she asked, checking her heartbeat with her stethoscope.

"Yes." Diana answered.  She noticed the candy striper still in the room.

"Good.  I do not need to see you again. You are fine.  Have a lovely day." She said, and hurriedly walked out.

"I'm leaving too." Sirius said, and made his way towards the door.

"No wait—" Diana said.

"What for?  I have nothing else to say.  I'll see you in tomorrow night." He said.

 "You're not even going to stay, to—keep me company?" she said, bewildered.

"You don't want my company." He said and walked out.  The candy striper hung around, tidying up where she needed too.  It was her job after all.  She looked upset, Diana noticed, but she didn't say anything.  When she neared Diana's bed to change the water, she accidentally knocked over the pitcher and it fell all over the floor.

"Oh Merlin! I am so sorry." She said, and Diana's ears perked up.  "I am so clumsy, oh, I didn't mean it—"

"It's alright." Diana said, looking at her interestingly now.  She noticed she had some candy in her side pocket.  It was one she recognized" Bernie Botts Every Flavour Beans. "It's just water."

"I am sorry, really, I am all thumbs when it comes to this." She said frantically.

"Perhaps, dear, if you used your wand." Diana said, clasping her hands behind her head.  The girl looked up, astonished, and gave Diana a look that said 'how did you know?'

"You're—you're a—"

"Yes." Diana said.

"Really?" the girl said, excited. "Oh, I'm so thrilled to finally meet a real live adult witch!" she said.  Diana shushed her and mouthed for her to keep her voice down.  "I'm sorry." The girl whispered.  "I'm just—I'm Muggle born you see, and I'm not allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts and my parents want me to have a summer job."

"Well that's fine." Diana said, astounded by her youth.  She remembered when she was that young, that fell of hope.  They introduced themselves, and the girl had heard of Diana as an Auror, and praised her further. It made Diana sad to see such a young woman, vibrant and pretty, with her entire life ahead of her.  She couldn't have been more than fifteen.  Diana longed to be that young, without problems, without death, without devastation.

~*~

The next night came and went without sleep.  Lily, Nicole, James and Remus came in later to say goodnight and go to their homes.  When Diana asked where Sirius was, no one gave her a strait answer.  But, as Lily left, she told her he had been in the bathroom, and that he had been crying, she thought.  She also said she would come and see her the following morning.  Diana told her not to, and Lily reluctantly agreed.

It was nine p.m. when Diana was wheeled outside.  She hadn't slept the night before.  Then again, she didn't want to.  Insomnia wasn't that difficult to force upon oneself.

She could stand and walk without much difficulty, although much of her body was still sore and achy.  Sirius came on the motorbike, and she rolled her eyes at it when she saw it from the street.  She extended her hand to him and he took it, asking if she was all right, before helping her onto it.

No words, nothing, not even a kiss hello as they walked in the door.  He was upset with her, or rather by her and she knew it.  Neither of them wanted to talk as they entered their flat, Sirius first, then her.  She sat at her kitchen table while he went into the bedroom.  Saddened, she put her head down on the table.

She had done quite a bit of thinking during the sleepless night and day in her little, dingy hospital room.  She had made up her mind, and she decided that she couldn't, just couldn't see him like this anymore.  She told herself it would never be the same, that they would be different.  He said himself she was different, then so be it.

She missed him though, she really did, and she knew she would.  It was getting late and she was getting tired, but she wanted to, after these hard three months she needed to.  She felt heavier.  The weight she had gained gave her a rounder appearance; although her stomach was a bit flatter it was by no means firm.  This made her nervous.

She got up from the table and pushed the chair in silently.  She made her way to her bedroom and walked in.  The door was open.  He was lying there, asleep, and facing the wall.  She kicked off her shoes and climbed into the bed, above the covers.

At first she lied on her back, staring at the ceiling, but then she turned so that she was facing his back.  With one of her hands she touched his shoulder, and then his chest, drawing herself so that they were touching, hugging from behind.

He felt for her hand, and, awake, turned on his back, placing her head on his chest.  For what seemed like hours they just laid there, listening to each other breathe. Then she looked up to see his eyes staring back at her, and she leaned up and kissed him.  It lasted long and it was sweet, even a bit chaste.  

She whispered something in his ear and an instant later she was looking up at him, love and melancholy in her eyes, but also desire and lust.  His touch was warm and his manner gentle, and she wanted to remember all of it, tattooing the event in her mind, as if she would never experience it again.

The next morning, early, before the sun rose she was up and out of bed.  Her clothes she left on the floor and changed into new ones.  With her dressers empty and necessities removed she walked into her kitchen, then throughout the house, taking mental pictures, seeing faces and remembering laughs and get-togethers, parties, friends, memories.  

The last thing, the final thing she needed to do was the most difficult.  She walked back into her bedroom and stood there for a moment, just staring at him.  Her eyes began to water and she wept silently.  Then, wiping her eyes she made his way to him.  Standing over their bed she leaned down and kissed him on the lips for a second.

"It's for us." She whispered, and put her hand on his cheek.  

With one last look and the shutting of the front door, she disappeared, with a note beside the bed that read: Au revoir, mon Coeur, soyez sage.  Je t'aime.  Although you shall be free of me, I will never be free of you.

~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~

Translation: Goodbye, my heart, behave well. I love you.  

(Don't hate me; I just needed her to go away for a little while.  This is not her end; at least I don't think so.  We'll see. Next chapter, practically all L/J, with a little R/N.  You're going to have to wait a little while for the next chapter, I have A LOT to do lately, but the Things We'll Never Say should be up on Friday, and I'm sorry I made you wait so long.  Love the reviews, the numbers astonish me.  Love you all, sorry for all the depression :)~Angelxd14


	20. Without Trust, There Is No Love

Disclaimer: see previous chapters. Nice job on the Kim spotting babygal:) id hoped someone would catch it, and Eminem is such a great writer, and thanx for the compliment babe.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lily and James walked into their home still carrying shopping bags.  Lily carelessly tossed them at the foot of the stairs, knowing none of it mattered anyway.  She took off her shoes and let down her hair, while James undid his belt and threw it on top of the discarded bundle of packages.  

Lily sat down on the stairs, and leaned her head against the wall.  James joined her and wrapped a concerned arm around her frame.  She hugged him back, and when he pulled her tighter, she started to weep frenziedly.   There were very few people who had ever seen Lily cry.  James was one of them, and Diana was the other.  Nicole never stuck around long enough to see people cry.  She didn't have the strength for it.

Lily didn't cry in front of people if she could help it.  But there in the privacy of her own home, with her husband beside her, she let go.

"I know, Lily, I know." James said, with his hand on the back of her head.

A few moments later she stopped and released herself from him.  "I'm sorry." She said, looking at his shirt, which was soggy with her tears.

"It's just a shirt." He said, and wiped her eyes.

"No.  I mean for giving you such a hard time, punishing you like I am.  I don't mean it." she said, sniffing.  "It's just that…oh never mind, you won't say it…."

"Oh Lily, hush." He said, taking her hand.  "Don't talk nonsense."

"Why is everything falling apart again? If it's not one of us, it's the other.  We've suffered so much as it is.  I don't know—I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I mean, we were just doing so well, and everything was going to be fine and—" Lily just shook her head.

"Everything will be fine." James said.  "You'll see."

"I don't know.  Diana—she is not well." Lily said.  "Sirius too.  Something's off—missing with the two of them.  It's like every happy breath in their body has been sucked out.  They're both miserable.  And to think they used to be so in love with each other.  They were so happy……the model marriage even.  They stayed happiest the longest."

"I was unaware there was a competition." James said.  "But come to think of it, they did seem annoyingly happy when—"

"We weren't." Lily finished.  She started playing with the buckle on her shoes to distract herself.

He nodded.  "Yeah.  God, it seems like so long ago."

"Or yesterday." Lily said.  "We were both horrible, miserable people.  Diana and Nic said we were just awful together or apart."

"Bitches." James said, undoing the top button of his shirt.

"It was true though.  I hated even looking at you." She said.  "And I've never seen you so mean."

"But we worked through it right?" he asked.

"But there was a time I didn't think we would."

"When?"  

"Lots of times.  Those long, uncomfortable, silent dinners…….the spats, fights, arguments……when you threw me against the wall during one of your rages……..when you started going out during the day….then at night—"

"Lily stop." James said.  "Please.  That's a different time, not today, and never again." 

"I'm just saying, James, that sometimes relationships don't work out, and maybe for them, well, you know how stubborn they both are." She said.

"Yes, but I also know how stubborn we both are, and look.  Here we are, sitting together here, talking about how screwed up our friends are.  It's a beautiful thing, Lily." He joked.

"The tables have certainly turned.  Now all we need is Remus and Nicole to fall apart.  That will totally ruin my faith in the institute of marriage." Lily said, rubbing her nose with her free hand.

"They're not married, remember?" James said.

"It's funny, isn't it? The only couple we know, aside from Frank and Alice, who aren't married, seem to have the most blissful times together.  Makes you think doesn't it?" 

"Yea. Ironic, if anything." He said, pushing his glasses up on his nose.  "So what do you think is going to happen with them? Sirius and Di, I mean."

She shrugged.  "If she doesn't kill herself, he will." She said, and stood up on the stairs.

"What? Sirius isn't the type to do anything that rash, and neither is she.  Well, she wouldn't have a couple of months ago.  They just have issues, lots of issues."

Lily stretched her arms over her head and pressed her palms to the ceiling.  "She would.  But, what I meant was, if she doesn't kill herself, he'll do it for her, well, for himself or however twisted way he rationalizes it."

"Don't talk crazy like that." James said, looking around as if they were being overheard.  "What will Diana think is she hears that kind of talk?"

"Oh she knows it.  Now I don't think so personally, but that girl has tons of paranoid thoughts that will drive her mad, drive them both mad." Lily said, ascending the stairs.  

"Well isn't that pleasant?" he said, propping himself up with the banister.  He cracked his neck and followed her.

"Well, that's how it's going to be if things don't change around here." She said, as she kicked her shoes under the bed.  "It's all about trust.  He wants to trust her but he can't, and she knows she'll betray his confidence one way or another.  It's a downward spiral that they can't control until one ends up dead or in Azkaban or become a missing person, you know.  Death Eaters are after us left and right.  None of us are safe anywhere, and if we can't trust each other then……..we've got nothing except ourselves, and that's a frightening thought for anyone." She said.

"Good thing we've got each other then.  Good thing we trust each other." He said, unbuttoning his pants.

Lily thought about that for a moment before answering.  In fact, she didn't answer at all.  She just shrugged and removed her blouse.  While walking over to the dresser mirror she caught his eyes for a second.  He was clearly waiting for her answer.  Selfish ploy for reassurance, she thought, and sighed.  He's being a hypocrite again.  Avoiding everything, covering it up, lying.  She pushed her hair back to remove her earrings, and found him staring at her through the mirror.

"We trust each other right?" he asked, pulling his pants off by the ankle.

This annoyed her.  "You can trust me all you want.  And if you are insecure enough not to know the answer to that question, then I sympathize." She said, tossing her jewellery into a little square box on the corner of her dresser.  He huffed at her before grabbing a t-shirt out of their closet.  She saw him move uncomfortably and shake off something, a thought.  Then he paused, as if he had some sort of idea.  She knew it in a second.

"I think I'm going to shower before bed, all right?" he said, hurrying for a towel in the closet across the hall.

"Felling a bit unclean?" she asked as he re-entered.  He was thinking about _her_. Even though it was just a second, she knew, and he was avoiding it. If it wasn't said, it wasn't true, right? She looked at her eyes, and they were dry. No traces, just how she liked it. She carefully undid the clasp of her skirt. 

"Huh?" He wasn't really listening.

She sat down on the chair that was placed under the dresser.  She crossed her legs while staring at her own reflection.  She lightly grabbed a small bottle of hand cream from a drawer and began to rub her delicate fingers with it.

"It's eating you away isn't it?" she asked, not taking her eyes off her own.

"What are you talking about?"  For some reason he felt the urge to run out the door. That or have a smoke, then again maybe a bullet.

"The guilt. God I wish you would just admit it.  Then maybe we could both sleep at night."

"Lily I wish you would stop that riddle talking.  Can we please not have one of _those _conversations?" he said, walking into the bathroom.

"Fine, we won't." she said, acting passive.  "Would you like to change the subject?" she asked, girlishly, but with a hint of sarcasm and rhetorical wit.

"Please." he answered, not sensing it at all.

She nodded.  "You know who I ran into the other day?" she asked, grabbing a hair brush.

"Can't say I do." He answered, and she heard the sink water turn on.  Then she heard the sound of teeth being brushed frantically.

"Narcissa Malfoy." Lily said, looking at him from the mirror.  The door was left open.  He paused.  He didn't answer her, but then continued to brush harder, and then spit into the sink.  "She was walking with her sister Bellatrix in Diagon Alley where Diana and I were eating some ice cream."  He still remained mute, and Lily thought she might finally have some closure.

"Well, anyway, Bellatrix went into some potions shop and Narcissa came over to say hello.  We had the most interesting conversation." Lily continued.  Then she heard the water shut off as she watched James stare at his own reflection, concentrating terribly hard on the rise and fall of his own chest.

"That's nice." He answered.

"I thought so." She said, and turned around.  "She's looking very pretty lately.  Haven't you noticed?"

"She's alright, I guess." He sighed, trying horrifically to get out of the conversation.

"Quite a sad story she is, don't you think?" Lily asked, crossing her opposite leg.

"Tragic." James said, wiping his mouth with the towel.

"She spoke quite a bit of you though." She said, trying to hide either a smirk or a scream.  She didn't know which.  Needless to say, Lily was making up this entire story as she was going along.  She figured something; anything would make him say it, to make him confess.  She needed it.  It was eating them both away, no matter how things were going.

"I don't have any idea why." He said.  "Aren't you coming to bed?"

"Oh I think you know exactly why." Lily sneered through her teeth.  He made eye contact for the first time.  He could feel her silently pleading with him, but he refused to give in.

"What are you implying, Lily?" he asked, cocking his head slightly to the side.

"Oh, I don't know, James.  What _am_ I implying?" she said, raising herself up from the chair.

"What do you want me to say? What, _exactly_, do you want me to say?" He put his hands on his hips.

She grew frustrated.  "See, this is the thing with you James." She said.  "You're not listening.  There is a lot of unclear communication going on between us right now, which you are not acknowledging."

He sighed loudly before throwing the covers back loudly.  He got into bed with her standing there, still angry, and still unfulfilled.

"I thought you were showering." She said, before moving to her own side of the bed.

"I don't feel like it anymore." He said, with the covers over this head.

"Fine." She answered, pulling the sheets harshly over her midsection.  She turned on her back while James shut off the lamp beside them.  They sat in the darkness, fidgeting, moving about awkwardly, until Lily relaxed staring at the ceiling.

James inched up to her a bit after a good couple of minutes.  He took his hand and began rubbing the inner part of her thigh.

"Don't you even think about it." she said, and turned over so her back was to him.

"What?" he asked in a whiny voice.  "What did I do now?"

"I don't want your unclean hands anywhere near me." She said into the pillow.

"Why?" he asked, pounding his fist lightly on the bed.

"Because you're a liar." She said, simply.  He got out of the bed and turned on the lights.

"Get up." He ordered.  "Get up and explain why you are being so bi-polar now.  I need the truth."

"The truth? You first, my love." She said, turning back and putting her hands behind her head.

"I have nothing to hide. I told you everything and you know it.  You're just trying to make me relive it again, to punish me some more so that I am guilty beyond the means to control myself."

"If you have guilt then you haven't told me everything.  I hate this.  We need to talk. I need you to talk to me, to tell me." She pleaded, straitening up some more.

"Oh you're one to talk."

"What in the bloody hell does that mean?" she said, throwing the covers from her and getting up herself.

"You know, Lily, since we're having a grand old time acknowledging things, why don't you confess some secrets of your own?"

"What? Oh Christ, what is it now?  What could _I_ have possibly done to make you not trust me?"

"Let's think, shall we? When were you going to tell me you were sleeping with Snape when we were apart?" he said, raising his voice to compliment hers.

She looked at him with intense disbelief and revulsion.  "What!?"

"You heard me." He said, grabbing a forceful hold on the bedpost.

"Who told you that?"

"Please. I knew it." he aid, shaking the bed.

"Well, you're insane because it _never_ happened.  Ugh! That's disgusting." She said, shaking.  "Where did you hear such nonsense?"

"I have my sources."

"Well then your sources are bullshit and made up of more liars like you." She spat.  "Spit it out."

"Ok. Tom told me." He said, walking up to her.

Lily looked at him shaking her head at his stupidity.  "The bartender, from the Leaky Cauldron?  Were you that desperate to get dirt on me you resorted to asking Tom the bartender?"  

"Well he told me some things, Lily.  Things that pointed to a lot of unsaid shit that's been going on around here." He said.  They were face to face now.

"What did he say?" she whispered, a little frightened but not so much that she couldn't carry on this ridiculous argument.

"He said he saw you two walking through, with your arms around each other.  And that you confided in him, and just the way he looks at you.  Then I saw you kiss him and it fit." He whispered.

Lily started to chuckle under her breath.  So that's what's been bothering him, she thought.  "Wow." Was all that came out.  "I can't believe you.  You didn't trust me either.  Lovely……First of all, he kissed me.  I was too revolted to kiss him back.  I was drunk; off of you I might add.  And we were walking because I was bringing him home.  He was too hammered to even make it out of the Hog's Head.  The fact that you could take one stupid day's events and twist them into what you think is an unfaithful act then, well, I feel sorry for you.  Sorry because all that shit about trust means nothing and you are a fucking hypocrite." She said, plopping herself down on the edge of her bed.  She looked up at him again.

"Did you make it up in your head to make you feel more like a man?  Did you figure it would excuse you for doing such a thing?  Making me out to be some—some--I don't know…..like _you_." She shook her head and her eyes began to water.  He just stared back at her.  "You know, it's strange, that after all these years you would think that.  After everything I've told you."

"What have you told me? You two had your little secret club of two.  I know you complained about me and laughed about me when I wasn't around.  You both think I am a joke, don't you? You think I don't deserve you.  Maybe you're right.  I'm a whore, isn't that right Lily?  But no, he would never do such a thing to you.  He would never be unfaithful or make mistakes or even lie, now would he? Nope, just me."

"Everybody lies." Lily whispered.  "I've lied, you've lied, and everybody does.  It makes people comfortable, because the truth sometimes can be so horrifying, so unpleasant, that lies are all we have.  They are the protective coating that makes living a little easier.  But I never lied to you, or kept things from you, ever.  I am in love with you, and no lie, however clever, could hide that.  You know that."

James sat down next to her.  He was silent for a few moments. "You're right Lily." He said, sighing and yawning at the same time.  "I don't know what I'm doing.  I just said that to hurt you." He admitted, while Lily let out a sob.

"Whatever.  I just feel so….sick.  Crying does not suit me.  I've been doing it far too much."

"I don't know what you want me to do.  I have nothing to say to you.  Yea, I wanted to believe it.  I really did.  I needed closure, closure I still don't have.  I wanted to make what happened between me and……that woman justifiable."

Lily's ears perked up. "Tell me who she is." She begged.  "I don't want to force it but please, James.  I need you to say it, confess it.  Please.  We'll both feel better.  No more lies. We need to start over, yet again.  We need it.  we'll die fools if we cant admit when we are wrong." 

"I can't, baby.  I just, I can't, for the both of us, Lily.  I know how you'll react." He answered, as he felt her touch his hand.

"Very well." She said, and got up.  "It's your conscience, for mine is clear.  I wish you would confide in me James, I really do.  Communication is what makes a marriage work and without it, well……..You wont talk to me.  Its just like Sirius and Diana, and look how that turned out.  We love each other, but without trust a marriage doesn't work.  You have your demons and I have mine.  Now we can either talk like adults or we could drink and smoke all of our problems away. Now that's no way to live now is it?"  He remained silent.

"Stay up here then in your comfortable silence, but just know, it isn't helping anyone.  Not me, or you, or even your mistress or whoever.  Secrets bottle up until they eat you alive.  We both know that.  When you are ready to open your mouth, whenever that may be, I will be here to listen as I have promised.  Now, I'm sleeping downstairs tonight."

"Why?" he finally said.

"I'm not sure, really. Maybe I'm just sad.  Maybe I'm just confused.  I'm hurt, to put it bluntly.  Tomorrow will be better.  I know that.  It is another day, another chance.  Tomorrow has promise, and I can lay awake all night thinking that."

"I want to sleep with you tonight.  Next to you, I mean." James said.

"Will that make you happy? Is that what you want?" she asked.

"Is it what you want?"

"I don't want anything right now.  You can, if you like.  But not up here, on the sofa.  This bed has been polluted with suspicion.  Better downstairs, with the clean furniture and the moonlight through the bay window.  I am comfortable with that."

"Now you're just thinking out loud." He said, grabbing some pillows behind him.  They went down the stairs and into the little living room with the sofa up against the right wall with the television in front of it.  He sat down first and sprawled the couch entirely.  

Lily rolled her eyes away from him and he got the message to move over or sit up.  He sat up instead.  James looked at his wife to find the moonlight illuminating her hair, turning it into a crimson halo as her eyes sparkled emerald stars that seemed to shake his very soul.  He knew then that sometime in the near future he would have to confront Narcissa, or she might do something rash to injure them both.  This was one of those times he hated himself, so near to the pleasure of his wife, yet unable to grasp it.  She was unattainable, with her cute little lingerie laying unused on their bedroom floor, and the curves of her body held only by a simple bra and panties.  It didn't matter.  If she wasn't going to enjoy it there was no hope for him.  Lily was never one to give in because of a plea.  He learned that long before that night.

She sat next to him, not feeling any particular emotion.  She put a pillow and then her head on his lap, and they both waited for the dawn to approach, sleep forgotten and after a while, no longer needed.  He said nothing, like she knew he would, and she just sat there thinking.  Se thought strange thoughts too, about what kind of a family she would have one day, soon maybe.  Maybe a daughter, but more likely a son.  She could picture that one clearer.  She thought about what type of mother she would make, and what kind of child she could raise.  She thought of her parents, her mother more so than her father.  Her mother had raised two daughters; one couldn't be more different than the other.  Would her first, like Petunia, be a vile, disruptive little monster, or a well-behaved little angel?

As the daylight approached and the first rays of the sun crept through the drawn curtains of their little flat, Lily felt a sense of longing for a family, to be a mother.  The only thing that disrupted her, and James alike, was an owl that had begun tapping impatiently at their window.   Lily was the one to raise and open it, for James would have to move her in order to achieve the same task of letting the poor beast in.  She undid the latch that constricted it, and once the letter had been unattached it flew away.

"Who would send us an owl at this hour?" James complained.

"Well, it's Artemis so I suppose they just wanted to tell us that everything's alright." Lily said, in the midst of a yawn.  Artemis was Sirius and Diana's owl.  She opened it and read it to herself first.  "James." She said with anxiousness in her voice.

"Aye?" he answered, stretching his arms.  "Well…..what's it say? Is everything okay?"

Lily turned to face him with the letter still clutched in her hand.  "Well, uh…..you're not going to believe this……."

~*~

"Are you alright Nicole? You seem very quiet and you look upset." Remus said, over a mountain of paperwork that was piling high up on his desk in their bedroom.

"Huh? What?" She answered from the bed.  She was in her nightgown, brushing her illustrious blonde hair.  She had forgotten herself for a moment.  It had been an extremely rough week.

"You look tired.  Try to get some sleep." Remus said, dimming his desk light a notch.

Nicole looked at him, and actually stared him down.  She did this absentmindedly, but did it just the same.  She had been terribly behind on her work, and it was becoming more demanding with the Daily Prophet being added.  She remembered she had a deadline in a few days, but she couldn't remember for what.  Mundungus, it seemed, was too preoccupied with something that he told no one about for the past week and a half.  There was nothing in the newspapers to spark any interest or give any clues.  She had no idea what Remus was working on, but the dark circles under his eyes told her he had been working far too much, and too hard.

"Why don't you try sleeping, Remus?  You'll feel better in the morning." She said, placing her brush on the nightstand.  

"I have to finish this," he said, jotting copious little notes into a notebook of some kind.

"You don't have to finish this tonight." She said, putting her hair gracefully in a ponytail.  "Get some rest."

"I'm already behind, darling." He sighed.  "With Molly's pregnancy seemingly underway I have to do this myself.  We lost two days because of the unfortunate incident and in two more days the moon will be full again."

"Already?" she said, sounding disappointed.  "But, I hardly ever see you anymore."

"You see me everyday.  I'm not going anywhere.  Nicole, please.  It's late and I am very busy.  We can talk in the morning."

"I have to work tomorrow morning.  I want to talk now." She said.  

"Can you do me a favour and look up the word abortion in the dictionary over there?" Remus said, not hearing her at all.

"You know what the word abortion means." She said.  

"Please.  It would help a great deal." He said, rubbing his eyes to keep from falling asleep.

Nicole got up and walked over to a tiny bookshelf on the right side of their bed.  She grabbed a mini version of Webster's dictionary and flipped through the A's until she got to it.

"The spontaneous or induced termination of a pregnancy after, accompanied by, resulting in, or closely following the death of the embryo or fetus." She read.  "What do you need it for?"

"What's abortion in French?" he asked.

She sighed, and had to think. "Avortement." 

"Now take out the spells dictionary over there and read that for me." He said.

Nicole reluctantly grabbed it and found the word in a couple of seconds.  "_Mort de bébé _(infant death)." She said.  "That's it."

"Is there an incantation?"

"No.  It says: see pregnancy, fertility, or painless birth spells.  It's annotated here that there is a potion though."

"Read it to me please." He said.

"That's a different book.  What kind of work is this?" she said, impatiently.

"It's dark magic then.  I was right.  I have here a bunch of complex ingredients.  It was home brewed.  There was no way it could have been bought. Healers wouldn't allow it. The prestidigitation is beyond anything we were taught.  But it doesn't take long to brew.  It does a lot of damage though.  It can make a woman infertile."

"What did you find then?" she asked, walking up to his desk and peering over it.

"It's not even in the Latin dictionary, which is amazing.  It's very ancient, and was used by prostitutes and vengeful wives, so it says.  It's called le vin d'avortement, or abortion wine, to be so blunt.  Also known as the wine of infant death, and _meurtrier de bébé_, or baby killer. And the side effects……brutal.  It amazes me that she's still alive."   

"Must we talk of these things?" Nicole whined.  "It upsets me."

"Would you rather ignore them and then have no answers at all?" Remus inquired, making eye contact with her.

"Oh, answers to what?" Nicole said, walking over to his side of the desk and rummaging through his papers.  "All these papers, theories, potions, concoctions that mean nothing……. All this is about is sex when it comes down to it.  Somebody is jealous, so much that he resorted to hurting the woman he claims to love greatly that she went mad.  It goes back to the thought, if I can't have her, no one can.  It's just like school, except now we have freedom, and that's precarious.  We're wasting our time."

"What is this Nicole? Why all of a sudden the attitude? We are not wasting our time." Remus said, flipping the pages loudly.

"And where the bloody hell is Dumbledore in all this?" she said, angrily.  "We have to do everything ourselves.  You've got nothing, and neither have I.  The problem is just getting worse.  We'll all be dead in a few years if things don't get organized."

"We'll go and see him if you like, but don't say he is neglecting us." Remus shot back.  "We owe him everything, do you hear? You and I wouldn't even be here if not for him.  Don't be so ungrateful for what we have, and don't be so negative.  You and I aren't going anywhere."

"Oh yes, I'm really grateful.  We're living on top of a mountain in a ghost town, miles away from all of our friends and family.  I haven't seen my mother in five years.  They wont return my letters or my phone calls because of who I chose to spend my life with.  We are very alone here, Remus, and who do we owe that to, some crazy old coot hidden in a goddamn school?  We can't get married.  We can't have children.  We can't live in a city.  You can't have a real job because of what you are and I can barely show my face in Diagon Alley without getting whispers and glares from people.  We are practically laughing stocks, but you're too bound by your work to notice anything. Yes, Remus, thank God for Dumbledore." She sneered.

"You were singing a different tune when he gave you that job you wanted. Dumbledore gave me my life, Nicole.  He gave me a home when no one would.  He gave me a job I could handle, and most importantly, he gave me you, that first day I walked onto that platform.  I'd be dead or insane by now if not for him.  You may have had it easy growing up, but I didn't."

"Like hell I did.  You don't know what it's like to have gone home every vacation and summer to a home that didn't want you.  My parents thought there was something wrong with me, and when I told them about you, well……. You remember well enough." She said, gravely.

"Do you think it was any different for me? At least you got to keep your mind when you were in pain.  I am an depraved creature a good amount of the year and every time it's over I cant help but wonder if I did anything terrible, or if I hurt you, or anyone.  You have the nerve to undermine me and the way we live, just because your father wasn't stingy with his belt." He said, harshly. 

"At least I'm not a coward." She said.

"At least I can watch people cry." He answered.

"Oh shut up." She spat.

"You started it," he said, getting back to his work.

"You know what? Thank god we aren't married, because if we were, I just might murder you."

"Because I deserve that." He said, sarcastically.  "I'm so impossible.  I think Lily and Diana have put way too much drama in your head, my dear.  It's polluting you, and now you're just saying things to upset us both. They are married, and have problems that are beyond us.  Now it is so late that the sun is starting to come up, so please, I don't want to fight anymore.  It does not go well with us."

"Fighting is healthy." She said.

"Fighting gives people the chance to say things they don't mean and end up feeling more angry and insecure then when they started.  Fighting breaks people up." Remus said.

"Oh what does it matter?" she sighed.  "Fine, go back to your work.  I'm going to read or something.  I don't want to sleep yet."

Remus grunted to show he understood.  Nicole took out Valley of the Dolls and started reading from where she left off.  The sun was brighter in about twenty minutes and Nicole stopped.  She thought she heard something.

"Hey babe?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"You hungry?"

Remus chuckled.  "Not really.  Why, are you?"

"A bit.  I want candy or something. No, scratch that……chocolate." She said, placing the bookmark inside her novel.

"How's the book?" he asked, yawning.

"Horribly written, but trashy nonetheless.  I sort of like it." she said, getting up.

"I'll get you some." Remus said, sliding his chair out.

"No, really. I want to get up and walk around.  Stay and finish up.  It's just food…….Hey Remus?"

"Yea?"

"Everything's going to be fine, right?"

"Sure it is." He answered.  "We'll manage, and so will everyone else.  No one's leaving or dying.  We just have to get through next week."

"Or next year." She said, leaving the room.  She jogged into her kitchen and stopped short when she saw a little envelope on the counter next to the refrigerator.  She grabbed it, along with a Snickers bar and ran back upstairs.

"What's that?" Remus asked, noticing it when she walked back in.

"A letter."

"From who?"

"I don't know.  You open it." she said, peeling away the wrapper of the candy bar.

Remus put down his pen and took the letter from Nicole.  He opened it with a gold letter opener and read it to himself.  "It's Sirius' handwriting.  Look at this.  I don't understand it." He said, handing it back to Nicole.

"_ Venez immédiatement._  Is he mad? He never writes like this.  By the handwriting it looks like he had a nervous breakdown."

"Alright? What the hell does it mean?" Remus asked, thinking he should have taken French in school.

"It's weird, and ambiguous.  It reads…um…'Come now.' Strange."

"He must have told James and Lily too.  We'd better go." Remus said.

"I don't know.  We don't even know how long it's been sitting down there." She reminded.

"That's true.  Something must have happened though.  He doesn't just demand that sort of thing."

"We'll analyse it on the way there.  Wait, I know what it is." She said.

"What do you reckon?" Remus said.  "They only got home last night or so."

"She left him."

(Transitional and not really having a point, I know, but thanks for waiting so dreadfully long anyway. I appreciate it. :) :)


	21. Aftermath of Madness

Disclaimer: See previous chapters. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sirius was sitting on his bed when he heard a knock at his door.  He didn't remember what time he called his four best friends, but he didn't care all that much.  She had done it.  She had actually done it, and without so much as a goodbye.  His misery lingered so much in his heart that he had forgotten to breathe.  He forgot how to speak.  He didn't know if he wanted to ignore the knocking or get up and let them in.  He figured he should answer when they started calling his name.

"Sirius?" Lily cried, knocking a second time, or was it the third?

"It's open." He yelled, straining his voice.  James and Lily entered guardedly.  They didn't know what happened or how it happened, or when.  They gave him considerate, yet blank stares as they approached.   

Sirius took their looks as those of pity and it angered him.  He didn't remember which of them he told, but he knew he told someone.  He felt he had to.  He shot up from the bed and walked hastily into the bathroom.   They followed him, although they still had no idea what to say or do.  Sirius just started rambling, feeling emotions he didn't know he had, controlling his anger while a vain in his temple looked like it might explode at any moment.

"Look at this." He said, throwing open the medicine cabinet.  They just stared at him in wonder.  "She took the goddamn pain killers." He moaned, shutting it so hard that he almost broke the glass.  Lily was startled as he did this.  She looked at James indifferently, and then at Sirius.  Lily couldn't believe it either.  The girl must have been off her rocker to do such a thing, and she shook her head at the thought.  As if things couldn't get any worse.  

Sirius began to pace.  He was exhausted, yet incredibly wired.  He was hurt, yet beyond infuriated.  "Look." He said, pointing everywhere.  "Look at this mess she made."  His voice was cracking and his skin had turned deathly pale.  He kicked the table leg of their dresser.  "She took _everything_."

The dressers and the closets were already opened to reveal how half full everything was.  He had clearly gone through it all.  What he was searching for, however, would remain a mystery.  "Her clothes, jewellery, makeup, everything she owned……" he rambled.  "She left the Bourbon but she took the Vicadin.    She left her diary, but out of all the books in this house, she took the Bible with her….." He said, as if such a thing was unheard of.

James looked at Lily with one eyebrow raised.  Either he didn't know they possessed such an object, or he didn't know what it was.  So, he just stood with his arms folded.   

"The woman doesn't have a religious bone in her deceitful body!" Sirius shrieked, throwing his arms in the air.  Lily and James felt it wouldn't be right to interrupt just yet.  They didn't feel it was safe enough.

"You would think……one would think that……Ugh! I'm losing it! Selfish…..always selfish…..thinking of no one but herself…… uncompassionate…. cold….. harsh…… untrustworthy……"  Lily felt her temperature rising.  She certainly didn't think he would have this type of reaction.  "I could….I could just……..kill her!" he screamed, punching the wall, and then grabbing his throbbing wrist.

"Sirius!" Lily screamed, halting his rant.  "Control yourself.  Explain what happened, but calm the hell down!  You sound like an insane person!"

"Don't you scold me, Evans.  I swear to God, you're all the same.  You're vengeful, hateful, conniving little creatures, aren't you?  I know your type, thinking you're so fantastic and then stepping all over people's hearts like they don't matter, all the while laughing to yourself about how you fucked another one over—"

"Stop it, mate! You're mad!" James yelled, while Lily tried to comprehend the unnecessary interrogation.  "What the hell happened?"

"You want to know what happened? Here!" he said, chucking a crumpled piece of paper at them.  It had been clenched in his fist the whole time.  Lily caught it.  "That bitch couldn't even say it to my face." He mumbled, shaking his head and heading into the kitchen.

Lily opened the parchment so as not to rip it.  She smoothed it out so she could read it better.  When she finished she put her hand over her mouth in anguish.  Then she handed it to her husband before following Sirius.

She saw him over the sink, putting some ice in a glass, along with a shot of Jack Daniels.  Lily rushed over to him and threw it back into the sink, almost breaking the small glass.

"Oh, Lil, come on." He whined, softer than before.  "Let me at least have something, anything—"

"Absolutely not." She said, austerely.  The hurt was visible on his face.  She could perceive it.  "You know Sirius….I don't think you had the right reaction to—well—what happened." She said, trying to phrase her words as delicately as possible.  "There were no ill words in that letter."

"Oh really?  What type of reaction was I supposed to have exactly?" he spat.  "Oh…..she feels bad….she'll never be free……well boo hoo! I don't care!  It doesn't explain anything.  It doesn't solve anything.  She didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face that she wanted out, that this life was so horrible for her and that anywhere other than here she could find salvation.  It was just not with me.  I was killing the poor woman so horribly that she couldn't even stand to look at me."

"It wasn't you.  Don't say that." Lily said, attempting to put a hand on his shoulder.  "She thought it was herself.  You should have seen that.  We all saw it." she said, bluntly, but it was the truth.  "Don't martyr yourself.  It won't make you happier."

"She's a coward is what she is." James chimed in.  "She couldn't take responsibility so she left."

"Responsibility for what, James?  The woman is mentally ill—"

"Oh Lily, please." Sirius said.  "She was not.  Stop defending her.  She was just……..royally screwed up.  I tried to help her.  I really tried, but she never wanted it.  She would always lie and cheat and screw people over.  She played with my heart.  She has ruined me.  I swear she will regret the day she ever married me.  I'll make sure of that." He said, sourly.

"Don't make me hit you over the head you stubborn, psychotic, bastard—"

"Lily!" James cautioned.

"No!" she yelled, shooting a severe look at James before turning on Sirius again.  "Now, you take that back!" she yelled.  "Be upset, be angry, be deranged, but don't you dare threaten her! She left you for your own good, but you're too heartbroken and insane to see strait!  She didn't do it to hurt you.  She did it to save you, and you will never realize that if you continue thinking she is a backstabbing, horrible person.  You loved the woman enough to marry her, didn't you?"

"I couldn't help her! She didn't want it! She didn't want anything!" he cried, more upset than angry.  "She didn't want me."

"You speak of her in the past tense, as if she is dead." Lily said through her teeth, accenting the last word with such venom that it made James shudder.

"She is dead as far as I'm concerned……..I hate her."  He said, callously, and staring Lily square in the eyes.

"No you don't." James said.  "You wouldn't be so hurt if you did.  The woman loves you.  She said so.  We all know she does--"

"Renton is not a woman.  She is a desire, temptation.  She can't be controlled—"

"Stop it Sirius." Lily said, her voice shaking.  "Take that back." She said, warningly.

"Why?" he said.  "It's true.  She has bewitched me with words and her pretty face.  A dark bohemian like her cannot be trusted, with her dark eyes and soul.  So tell me, Lily, why should I take anything back—"

"Because you sound like Malfoy!" she yelled, cutting him off.  "This is not like you to speak of her in such a way.  Do you really think she needs more vengeance against her then there already is? You are her husband, you brainless git." James was still holding the note, which she snatched out of his hands.  "It took a lot for her to write this.  Can't you tell by the way it's written?  Her hands were shaking.  She didn't want to do it, you know.  Do you know what she told me yesterday?  Do you even have the foggiest idea?"

"Well I wasn't there, now, was I?" he said.  "She didn't want to see me.  She never wanted to see me.  She hated the site of me, and cursed me for getting her pregnant.  She never really wanted me or my child, so she wanted me to run away!"

"That's not true!" she screeched.  "She told me she would be the death of you.  She said that, with her gone you would be able to have a normal life.  She said there were things she couldn't give you.  She doesn't think she could make you happy, and she thinks that you would rather kill her then have her slowly destroy you. Well you know what? She was right, I suppose, judging by the way you are now, which is why she did what she did!"  

"Is that what she made you believe?  She is a vile, depressed, horrid woman, and I despise her for what she has done to me.  She is a scared little coward." Sirius whispered, forebodingly.

"Is she? She sacrificed herself for you, at least that's how I see it.  She ran, yes, but not away from you.  Without her, you are no longer a target, Sirius, and that is how she wanted it.  Doesn't that make her brave then, the fact that she sacrificed her own happiness for yours?  You might want to think about that when you speak of her in such a way.  I hope to God she never knows what you've said.  It would break her heart, you know."

James looked at Lily to hear her speak with such a passion.  He looked at Sirius then to find him calmer, and sadder.  Sirius pushed himself from the counter and pulled out a chair from the kitchen table.  He sat and put his hands on the back of his head in despair.  

"Did you know she was doing this, planning it I mean?" he said in a groggy voice, devoid of all human emotion.

"No.  But I figured she might, sooner or later." Lily hesitantly said.  She walked closer to him and pulled out the chair opposite him.  James followed and put his hand on Sirius' shoulder.

"She isn't herself." James said.  "Not since all of this Death Eater business has resurfaced.  She can't escape anymore.  She can no longer pretend." He said, trying to be as sensitive as possible.  "None of us can pretend, anymore."

"I tried……" Sirius began, almost to himself, "I tried to protect her, but I couldn't do it.  I promised her I would, and I let her down.  I promised I wouldn't leave her, but I couldn't save her.  I couldn't keep her from herself.  I couldn't hide her from them.  And now she's gone……. Yesterday is gone…….and she will never know what she was……… to me….oh my God….."  Sirius started to weep beyond his control.  He sank off of the chair and onto the floor.  James lowered his body and embraced his best friend, who only cried harder as he did this.

"Come on mate.  Pull yourself together.  There are only so many tears you can shed over a lost love.  It won't bring her back, wherever she is.  And you know what they say…..it's better to have loved and lost—"

"I would have rather never have loved her at all." Sirius answered, breaking away.  "I wish I never saw her.  I wish I didn't know who she was or what she looks like.  I want to forget her, that smile, those eyes….her face." He got up, and started speaking clearer, and with more determination.  "I wish I never spoke to her.  I wish she never came into my life, so beautifully unforeseen, taunting me.  And last night, what she did…..if she planned on leaving me she should have never done it.  She should have left it alone.  Now that is all I have."

"What—what happened?" Lily whispered, looking up at him awkwardly from the chair.  Her feet were slightly pigeon toed.  She felt uncomfortable.

He didn't hear her.  James was still on the floor as he and Lily watched him walk about slowly, into the living room, then back into the kitchen.  He ran his fingers alone the wall, and then proceeded back into the living room, propping himself on the couch.  Lily and James got up to join him.

"You don't just sleep with someone and then leave." He said in a shaky whisper.  "'Make love to me, make love to me', she said, over and over again, before she kicked me to the curb.  I guess she wanted a last fling, right?  She wanted a memory, because that is what I am now.  I am the past.  She has chosen her future, and I am not in it.  Maybe I never was.  Maybe she had intended it all along.  She can be so many things, you know.  She was one way with Malfoy, and another way with me.  I knew it too.  I just didn't know which one was real.  Did she?  Did she know that every time she told me she loved me I melted for her? Does she know, even now, the things I would do for her?  Does she care?"

Lily began to cry too at his honesty and pain.  She did it silently, so as not to interrupt, but James saw.  Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw, and felt her pain too.  

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…." They heard, out of the blue, and when they looked up they all saw Nicole come in and take off her robes.  "Oh Sirius…." She started, compassionately.  She saw his face and the way she carried himself.  Remus looked at her and wondered how she had such dead on enquiries. 

Sirius was silent, so deep in his own thoughts that he couldn't even manage a nod.  The two walked over and stood behind Lily, who was kneeling down on the floor next to the couch.  James and Remus hugged while Nicole took Lily's hand and crouched down next to her.

"Do you have…" Nicole cleared her throat.  "I mean, do you know where she might have gone?" She asked this to Lily more so than Sirius.  Lily just shrugged and buried her face in Nicole's shoulder.  Nicole put her hand on the back of her head, knowing she wouldn't get an answer anyway.  James looked at the ground, as if not acknowledging the question.

They all watched as Sirius got up again.  He didn't look at any of them.  He didn't flinch or sniff or cry anymore.  He looked drone like and mechanical in his step as he walked into his bedroom.  He looked around as if he was in a strange place, foreign to him and never really observed.  He looked at the small pile of clothes she had left on the floor, after she had surrendered to him.  He cursed her under his breath.  She left those here to punish me, he thought.  'I will never be free of you' he thought, hearing her voice in his head, sensual and provocative in tone, as if daring him to come after her.  

"Well, you were right about one thing….." he began, out loud, clenching his fists.  "I _will_ be free of you." He whispered.  Then, he quickly grabbed her discarded clothes and threw them in the nearest trash basket.  He then looked around again with cat-like precision, his instincts drawing him to their dresser, where a small portrait of them on their wedding day was daintily perched.  

A loud and high pitch crash jolted Lily and the others in the living room, and made Nicole grab her chest out of shock and surprise.  As Sirius emerged from the room, he looked strait at Remus, who was looking at him with pity and perplexity. 

Sirius was panting now.  He didn't know if he had gone crazy or if he was the most rational he had ever been.  "You're good with memory charms, aren't you Moony?" he asked, quickening his step back into his kitchen.  They heard another crash, and a harsh thud as another picture frame fell off the mantle and onto the porcelain tile.

"Huh? What—"Remus asked, before Sirius interrupted him again.  

"Obliviate me." He said as he neared Remus face.  Remus looked at him fearfully.

"What—"

"Obliviate me.  It's the only way.  Don't you all see that?" he said, looking around at all their transparent faces, filled with horror.  "It's the only way……"  Sirius kept repeating this and shaking his head, as if he had just had the strongest epiphany.  

"Padfoot, hold on." Remus said, warily.  "Think about what you're saying—"

"I know exactly what I'm saying!" he yelled, and Remus jumped back.  

"Padfoot, please." James said.  "Stop it.  You're hurting yourself.  You're not thinking clearly—"

"I am thinking clearer than I have thought in years." He said with a sort of sinister superiority.  "She wanted to be gone, well I'm doing it!  I want her out of me!" he shouted.  "I want her gone!  Don't you see?"

"Sirius, listen to us, please." Nicole said, pleadingly.  "Without your memory, she will never exist for you again—"

"I know that, Nicole.  If she does not exist, I will never feel this way again.  If she is not real, I can breathe.  I can sleep." He said.  His eyes were bloodshot now.  "I want these years erased, gone, poof!" he said, throwing his arms in the air.

"What about your dreams, Sirius?" Remus said.  "What about everything you've built your life around.  All you've accomplished, and wanted—"

"Dreams? What dreams? I remember no dreams.  I remember heartache and pain.  You remember how I got her in the first place.  You all remember." He paused for a minute, as if reflecting upon some lost recollection or thought.  "She just wouldn't stop crying…….." he started to tear up again.  "I don't want it.  Take it away.  James, Lily, any of you……just take her away……."  Sirius leaned over the counter and propped his head up with his elbows.  

Lily got up from the floor.  She was the only one who dared move from her position.  She walked slowly, but tenaciously.  Sirius saw her approach and turned.  His eyes were crimson with salty tears.  "Lily….." he sniffled.  "Please….." he took her hand, and silently begged her.

"No." she said, cleanly.  "I will do no such thing." She whispered, and he hung his head down in shame and disappointment.  "Sirius……Sirius look at me." She said, kindly.  He picked his head up reluctantly and stared at her, waiting for what she had to say.  "What do you think will happen if I do this, if any of us do this?  Do you think you'll be happy?  Do you think you'll feel complete?"

"I don't know." He murmured.  "I just want to feel anything but this."

"I know." She sighed.  "But what about us? We'll all know.  Are we supposed to just go the rest of our lives and never speak of her? Are we supposed to forget her too?  She married you, but she touched all of us, in some twisted way.  She left all of us."

"But…..she is my wife.  I promised her: In sickness and in health, 'till death….. And if she's sick…….she should have come to me.  That's what I don't understand.  That night, in the Hogwarts hospital bed, she made me promise I would never leave her, ever, and I did.  Never would I have known…. how could I?" he trailed off.

"We could take you out of here." Remus suggested.  Nicole's head propped up.

"Yes.  You can come stay with us, if you like." She said.  "We would love to have you stay."

Sirius shook his head.  "No.  Best leave me here.  I just…..need to be alone.  If you don't mind, I need to be by myself now.  You can go.  I'm sorry for keeping you here." He said this as if he was ashamed of his honesty.  He was ashamed of how damaged he was.

"What? Are you sure?" Lily said, rubbing his shoulder in a motherly fashion.  "We'll stay all day, if you want."

"Padfoot, if you want us to stay, don't be ashamed—" James said.

"I am not ashamed." Sirius said, cutting him off.  "Go back to your lives.  It looks like it is going to be a beautiful morning.  Just go.  Leave me here to wallow in my misery."

"Don't talk like that, mate." James said.  "Please.  Let us stay with you."

"I said leave." He said, insensitively.  Then he strode back into his bedroom and slammed the door.  The four who were remaining looked at each other, so distraught at their friend's pain that they couldn't even look at each other.

Lily was the first to step out, and the rest grudgingly followed her out the front door.  She stood a moment, contemplating what to do.  Then she turned and addressed them all.

"Come back to our place. We'll talk there." She said.

~*~*~*~*~*~

_"Dear Lily,_

_            By the time you read this I will have been long gone.  He has done what I thought he would, and I am writing this on your doorstep.  You aren't home, however, and the sun is barely over the horizon.  I don't know what time it is.  Surreal, is it not?_

_I'm sorry, Lily.  I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough.  I'm sorry I'm not like you and couldn't work it out.  You can't imagine what I feel now, and I pray you never do.  I did it_ _for us, well, he and I.  It will all be better now, you'll all see.  You are probably thinking so many terrible things about me now, and they're all probably true, to a degree.  I couldn't do it.  I'm scared, and I hate myself.  So much bluntness for what is supposed to be my short, little goodbye note.  Pathetic, isn't it, and rather cliché, no? But, I had to.  You didn't think I'd forget about you, did you? Or Nicole, or Remus, or James?  You are all my family, and I love each of you.  You may not miss me, and that's all right.  You are resilient, and will get along fine when you get used to not having me to nag about. _

            He is furious with me, isn't he?  I know.  It took me about an hour to leave my front step; at least I think it was an hour.  I saw him.  For one last time I saw him, and I saw what I knew I would see.  He frightened me, so I dashed.  You should have seen his face, well, by now you probably have.  I ran away, me, the brave one, you said.  I'm sorry I could not do this in person, but I knew you'd force me back, and we'd be in an even bigger mess.  He is better off now, I hope.  I will be a figment in a matter of days.  He can breathe, at last.  My masquerade is over, but only to commence a new one.  Back where I started.  The stairways to the mounds may make the wretched sigh, they say.  The wings of the Mill will always shelter us.  Our friendship will always be, and I will always think of you.  I just ask you one thing.  Think of me sometimes, will you?  Remember me, just once and a while.  Think of all we have shared and seen.  Recall what might have been.  There will never be a day when I won't think of all of you. Je vous manquerai (I will miss you), Lily. Etre bien(be well).

_~Diana~"_

"Well, that explains it." Nicole said, as she tossed the letter on the counter in Lily and James' flat.  "She ran away.  I knew it."

"What are we going to do with him? He's going mad." Remus sighed.

"They're both mad, if you ask me." James said.  "They both think they're the problem.  Self loathing had ruined their marriage."

"As apposed to loathing each other." Lily said.  "Paranoia screws people up."

"But where did she go? That's what I don't understand.  She has no family left—" Remus said.

"Yes, she does." James finished, and even Lily looked at him oddly.  "Well, doesn't she have a grandmother somewhere?" he said, pretending he was uninformed.

"She's dead, James." Lily clarified.  "Well," and Lily thought about it for a moment.  "At least I think she is.  We haven't seen her since third year of Hogwarts." Then Lily counted the years on her fingers.  "Yes, she must be dead by now."

"Oh." James said.  "Yes, of course."

"She took all of her things? She didn't leave anything?" Nicole asked.

"You saw it, Nic." Lily said.  "She left some.  She didn't want a trace of her left behind, I guess."

"But she left her diary." Remus said.

"I guess she just took the necessities.  She wanted to put it behind her, so she took all she could.  Everything that meant something to her, I suppose."

"Yes, everything." James repeated.  "Her possessions, and his love." He looked around at the sullen faces.  "Hey." He said.  "At least she didn't take his money, then he'd really have something to cry about."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lucius Malfoy quietly unlocked the front door of his mansion and stepped into the hall.  The lights were all off, but he hadn't bothered to turn them on at that late hour.  The sun already began to peek out through his window, and as he closed the door behind him, the shades opened, magically.  

The meeting had gone well, he thought.  It was the usual.  He inattentively undid the clasp of his black robes and through them into the closet next to the mirror in the front hallway.  There was a feeling in him that made him act differently that night.  He hadn't said much, nor contributed much.  It was a feeling he didn't really understand.  He had never felt it before.  His stomach was turning and his head ached.

He felt alone, to a degree.  Severus had acquired an apartment just outside of Diagon Alley, so Lucius had no one to really talk to.  He undid the first button of his neatly pressed, collared shirt and strode wearily into his kitchen.  He found his wife sitting at the table with her head down and her arms cradling it.  Her chest was heaving in and out, with loud sniffing noises interrupting the deathly serene atmosphere of the place.  She was crying.

He paid no attention to her.  He walked over to the cabinet and opened it loudly.  The creaking startled her and she sat up immediately.  

"When—when did you get in?" she spoke, wiping her nose and her eyes, as if he hadn't noticed.

"Just now." He yawned, and pulled out a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.  He took a glass from the cabinet next to it, and the wine made a loud, pouring noise that echoed.  Narcissa then pretended to be reading the book that was thrown to the side.  She opened it and skimmed the same line over and over again.

"Still sulking?" he asked, rolling his eyes at his pathetic wife.  Well, in his eyes she was pathetic.  

"What are you talking about?" she asked, trying to sound naive.

"Never mind.  Shut up." He said, and took a swig of the bottle before restoring it to its proper place.  "Why aren't you asleep?"

"I'm not tired." She answered.

"Whatever." He responded, and took the glass off of the counter.  He then went into his study, which was adjoined to the kitchen.  He lazily pulled out his swivel chair and began on some paper work for his day job at the Ministry.  

About five minutes later he heard her sob again.  He became angry and thrust his chair back forcefully and threw open the door.  "What?" he said, tightening his face and putting his hands at his sides, fists clenching.  

"N—nothing." She said meekly.  "Go back to work."

"Well, I can't work with you blubbering in here all night." He said.  "Stop it."

"I—I can't." she cried.  "I'm sorry."

"Like hell you are." He said, and walked up behind her.  "Now either get up and finish your silly little book elsewhere, or……" he began, changing his tone.  He put his coarse hands tightly around her shoulders.  "We can both forget about work and go to bed."

"Don't touch me." She whispered, wriggling herself free.

He kept his hands where they were, and only tightened his grip.  "Don't talk back to me, Narcissa." He said, breathing heavily in her ear.  "It's not like you have anything to fall back on."

"Get away from me." She said.  "Don't touch me.  Don't you ever touch me again." She said, in a shaky whisper.  He released her and simply shook his head.  He was too preoccupied to bother with her that morning.  He threw the remains of the wine into the sink, and placed the glass on the edge.  

"Useless." He sighed.  "Fine then.  Stay here and cry and read your silly little fiction.  You're only good for one thing, Narcissa, and I am your husband.  You know what happens when a wife does not do as she is told.  Must we go through this again?" He said, folding his arms and leaning back, as if he were talking to a child.

She just stared at him with the utmost loathing.  "I hate you." She whispered, looking him strait in the eye.

"Excuse me?" he answered, in disbelief, and daring her to repeat it.  

"I hate you." She said louder.  "I loathe you.  I despise you, and I curse the day I ever married you.  You are a horrible, deceitful man, incapable of everything but causing pain on others.  I detest your very presence." She said, rising slightly from her chair.  "And if you ever come near me again, I'll—"

She never did get to finish that sentence, for at that moment Lucius rushed towards her and slammed her back down into her chair.  She had the look of fear on her countenance now.  He hung onto her arms so tightly she thought she might go numb.  Breathing hard, he raised his hands up to her neck, and jerked her backwards, slamming her back against the stiff bars of the chair.  

He then slowly put his large hands on either side of her skull, pushing inward until she squeaked in pain.  She began to shake until he quickly grabbed the sidebars of the chair and pushed it swiftly out, turning it a full 180 degrees so he was staring her in the face.

"Or you'll what?" he asked, audaciously.  She didn't respond.  She was too stricken with fear and hate to even look at him.  So, instead, he slapped her forcefully, right across her face.  She screamed and put her hand against it, hiding the red handprint that slowly began to form under her touch.  Tears continued to stream down her face.  "That's what I thought." He said, in triumph.  

She felt her cheek swell and her underarms sweat.  She leaned back and put both hands over her head.  "This is not what I wanted." She whispered, but he still heard her.  He backed up a few steps so that she could move.

"Yes, well, you're not exactly what I wanted either." He said, walking back into his office, but leaving the door open.

She got up slowly, trying not to fall.  She shuffled over to the side mirror on the wall and looked at her reflection.  What she saw made her cringe.  This is what I have become, she thought, and could stand it no longer.

"Of course not." She said.  "You never did, did you?" she said, going close enough to his office door so that he could see her clearly.

"Are you still talking?" he said, rubbing his temples and picking up his quill.  "This conversation is over."

"You never wanted me." She repeated, answering her own question.  "You don't love me.  Do you?"

He sighed loudly and tossed the quill to the side.  "Ugh, Narcissa.  You are living in a dream world.  But, no, if you must know, I don't love you.  There.  Happy?"

"I want a divorce." She said, in between sniffles.  

"Well, you're not getting one." He said, casually.  "Not until I am dead will I be gone from you."

"Then why torture me?" she asked, pleadingly.  "Why can't you just set me free?" she yelled.  "I am dying because of you."

"Then die, for all I care." He said, indifferently.  "At least it will shut you up."

"You're a monster." She said.

"Deal with it.  Now I am growing impatient, Cissa.  Are you quite finished?"  

"Have you even loved anything?" she said, disregarding his comment.  "You can hate.  So you must love something, besides yourself, I mean.  You have guilt.  I can see it on your face."

"What have I to be guilty of?" he said, getting up once more.  "You speak of things you will never understand." He said, his voice getting louder.

"Oh I understand them perfectly." She spat back.  "You are so used to having everything thing you want.  You're inheritance, your job, your little inner circle is all yours.  Well, you got what you wanted, didn't you? You got back at your ex-fiancée.  What else is there?  You don't love me.  You don't care what happens to me? So what is there?" She threw her arms up in the air.

"It is none of your business!" he screamed.  "You of all people know how much I hate that—that woman! Now go away!"

"It didn't work!" Narcissa yelled back.  "Your little plan backfired! She didn't marry you.  She married Black, got it? And you hate that because it means that you were wrong, that you didn't have as much power over her as you thought, despite how you branded her."

"As much as I would just love to have this little waltz down memory lane, Narcissa, I'm going to bed." He said with his arms folded.  "You are a walking contradiction."

Narcissa began to laugh as he passed her.  It was a soft chuckle at first but then turned into a high-pitched shrill as he tried to ignore her.  She only laughed harder and louder at him, and he pinned her against the wall in hopes of silencing her.  She was not only laughing at him.  She was laughing at herself to, for being no naïve and ignorant to the world before Lucius Malfoy.  Her heart ached and yearned for James Potter, but she knew his heart lied with his wife, and not with her.  Her melancholy turned to depression, and at that moment, madness.

"You…….still love her, don't you?" she asked, and his response was pinning her harder to the wall and wrapping her neck in his hands. 

"Quiet." He said.

She laughed wearily and with a sort of wheezy sound, and then she threw her head back.  "What am I saying? Of course you still love her.  How could you have so much hatred for her if you did not?" she said, and the deliberate frankness struck a nerve with him. He became incredibly stimulated. 

He stepped back a few feet from his wife, who was limp from exhaustion and fear.  He grabbed hold of her right arm and jerked her towards him.  He kissed her savagely, against her will, while she tried to pull away.  His strength overpowered hers and he lifted her up off the ground, kicking and screaming.  

"Let go of me! Let go of me!" she yelled, using up all the strength she had.  He had a tight hold on her and marched her up the stairs with incredible determination.  She screamed out of pain and forced pleasure as he tossed her ripped clothes to the floor.  

This made Narcissa realize that she should keep her mouth shut about such things, for the unsaid seemed to be more favoured by him above all else.  This was how Lucius took out his frustrations, which she well knew.  Little did she know the anger was only meant to punish her slightly, for he pictured someone else in his wife's place.

And somewhere else, not too far away, a woman woke up on a train with a sharp pain between her legs and pearls of sweat on her forehead.  Her eyes were salty with tears and her hair was a wild brown mane, untidily kept and stinging from the amount of times she pulled it by the roots.  She took a moment to remember herself, as the man across from her gave her an unpleasant look.

One of the four that resided in the Potter household knew of her whereabouts, unconsciously.  Hidden well, they remained ignorant like the rest, while each deciding what to do about their poor, heartbroken friend across town.  When a bright snowy owl flew in the open kitchen window, the four looked at each other and groaned, not feeling much affection for the mail lately.  Lily opened it because she didn't recognize the handwriting.  She threw the envelope on the floor, and when she was finished, started laughing, putting her hands over her mouth.

"Oh Christ, what now?" Nicole moaned, leaning against the wall.

Lily stopped long enough to wipe an amused tear away from her eyelid.  "Well…" she began, clearing her throat, and creasing the letter in half.  "If you must know…." She laughed again, and put her hand over her heart.  "Frank and Alice…..they're getting married." She said, and started laughing again.  After a minute, James joined in with her, while Remus and Nicole just started at each other in mutual misunderstanding. 

James stopped a little before Lily and then leaned on his counter.  "I give it a month." 

"You know what I was thinking about before?" Lily said, randomly.

"Haven't the slightest idea." Nicole said.

"Where's Peter?" she said, and suddenly, nothing was funny anymore. 


	22. Seulement L'Amour

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  Sorry for the ridiculous wait. I hope you guys didn't forget me, or this  :)  your reviews are beautiful, and yes, I read all of them and remember them.  For all the praises and the suggestions.  I don't know what I'd do without such loyal readers.  Thank you :) all the italics are being spoken in French. Just keep it in mind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One month later……..

As the sun rose over the hills of Monmartre, a little Parisian woman, old in age but quick in step, shuffled about a spacious three bedroom flat, cleaning up where she could, and muttering little inconveniences under her breath.  She cliqued her tongue and sang to herself in hardly enforced operatic tones, as a young woman twisted and turned in her bed, trying to block out the noise.

The young woman's hair was darker than ebony; quite different than when she had first arrived.  She still had the eyeliner on from the night before, smudged and stained, and it made her eyes appear sallow and large, giving them a sort of sad elegance as they fluttered open.

_"Diana....……Diana…..Diana, darling, wake up granddaughter, please........"_ The old woman said, as she touched the young woman's hair, messy and wavy all at once.  The girl just smacked her hand away.

" I don't want to." she groaned, in a voice that was scratchy and exhausted. She then let out a loud cough, heavy in phlegm and sickness.  She was still recovering.  The sickness was new and unplanned, but came after she had arrived. 

"_You must._" the old woman said, sitting on the bed.  Diana only rolled farther away from her.

"No." she answered, using hardly any vocal chords.

"_Yes._" she retorted, persistently.  It sounded more like an order than a request.

_"Please, grandmother, leave me alone."_ she begged, pulling the covers over her head.

_"You must get out of bed, little girl.  You can't sleep all day. _"she said, getting impatient with the girl's lack of cooperation. "_It's Sunday._"

"Why not?" Diana answered, as the shades were thrown open in her bedroom.  She let out a screech of discomfiture. 

_"We'll miss church. It's bad for you, for your soul, angel."_ the woman said, pulling the covers back to reveal Diana's face clearer.  She looked worse than death, and dejected.  Her once full cheeks were washed out, and her cheek bones shown through her now porcelain skin.   The term of endearment was not welcome, but she couldn't fall back asleep now, so she hopped out of bed to show her rage at being disturbed.

_"Fuck my soul!  I am damned anyway." _She screamed, grabbing her satin robe off of her chair next to the bed.  She plopped herself down on it and grabbed the almost empty pack of cigarettes that lay crumpled on her dresser.  Throwing one leg over the arm of the chair she lit it, coughing as she inhaled.

"So be it, you stubborn cow." her grandmother muttered, folding the sheet over the bed.  Diana pretended she didn't hear her.   "I'll make you some breakfast. How does that sound?" she said, changing her smug face into a smile for her depressed great-granddaughter.   

"I'm not hungry!" she yelled, staring out into the open window.  From that spot she could see the Eiffel Tower, the high rooftop of the Paris Opera House, and the busy streets below her.  She crossed her legs in that direction, before she sighed.  She continued smoking her cigarette. 

"You don't yell at me child." the old woman spat back, waving a finger at her.  She lightly slapped her granddaughter's crossed legs.  Diana cringed out of annoyance, but did as she was told.  "I don't have to keep you here." she said, as Diana just stared at her.

She tied her robe tighter, and tried to pin her hair back in a twist.  It just fell loosely, not cooperating.  She watched her grandmother finish making her bed, and she realized how dependant she had become on her services.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it.  I'm just so tired-**-**" 

"You must eat. I will cook you something." she answered, walking up to the child and putting her wrinkled hand on her cheek.  She smiled pleasantly at her before giving her a wink.

"I have no desire to eat." Diana said, putting her own hand over her grandmother's.  She got up from her chair and flicked the ash of her cigarette out the window, watching the people come out of their homes for Sunday breakfast in the bistros; the happy opera goers eager for the matinees.  

"You're emaciated, my dear." she said, watching Diana's now slight frame, draped only by a thin layer of satin, covered in red roses, and ripped black stockings she had slept in.  The woman noticed her granddaughter rub her stomach without thinking, and she was breathing in and out, stretching her diaphragm.  She had forced out the stitches weeks ago, and a thin but visible scar was her reminder.

_"I don't care._" Diana said, focusing her attention on a teenage boy on a bicycle.  His horn honked as he sped past their street.  

"Don't you want to be beautiful?" she said, but she didn't think Diana heard her.  She was about to leave her and go make breakfast when Diana turned to the side, facing the window front. 

"I am not beautiful." she said, looking at her reflection in the sun's shadow.  

"Yes, you are, my sweet one." she said, walking over to her and putting her hand on her shoulder.  Diana said nothing, but stood staring out the window with her cigarette still in her hand.  "And your husband thinks you are, I'm sure.  He loves you so after all--"

"I don't have a husband." Diana said, quickly, angrily throwing her cigarette out the window.  She drew the curtains closed again so she could change.  She threw off the robe to reveal black panties and bra.  There was a black garter holding up her ripped stockings, which she quickly unclipped.  After putting on new ones, clean ones, she grabbed the nearest pair of black high heals.  

_"Then whom have you been pining over?_" she said, watching how awkwardly the girl undressed.

Diana stopped.  "I don't know." she whispered, grabbing a brush off of the floor.  She tried to neaten her hair with it, and then just decided to pin it up, away from her face.  She was sick of her hair, so she tried again.  

"Tell me, what ails you.  Why are you so sad, my love?" Diana shook her head, and then shrugged, looking at herself like she had never seen her own reflection.  "You are lost. I can see that, dear one.  You miss him so." 

Diana looked at her peculiarly.  She was disturbed but said nothing.  She denied it privately, while her heart ached.  She could have sworn she asked for no mention of him at all, but her grandmother never listened to anyone, let alone a silly little girl she hadn't seen in a decade.  Diana straitened up and held her head high.  _"He is better off now_**.**" she said, grabbing a small cloth out of the dresser drawer.  She began to rub her eyes with it, taking off the makeup that had lingered.

"_Why do you say that?  If he is half as sad as you are, then this was a mistake._" she said, waving her hand in front of her.

"_No, this was no mistake.  He is happy now, or at least he should be._" Diana sighed, hoping it was true.  The last thing she wanted on her conscience was guilt, as if she didn't have enough of that as it was.

"_Because you are not in his life?_" her grandmother said, trying to understand her.  She picked up the ripped stocking from the floor, shook her head and threw them out.  Diana simply nodded at her remark.

"_You were married to this man, and you think he celebrates your leaving?_" she asked, thinking it was absurd.  Diana got up from her chair after wiping the red lipstick that was still on her lips.  They were pale underneath, a sight she had become accustomed to.

The closet door was open and Diana tried to find something suitable to wear for the day.  She ran her itinerary briefly in her head.  She turned to find her grandmother staring at her.

"_I made him miserable._" she said, taking out a neatly pressed sundress.  It didn't belong to her.  Her grandmother said it was her mother's.  She never did get to clean out her wardrobe there, after the sudden death of her and Diana's father while she was still at school.

Her grandmother started to laugh. "_That is our job as Renton women, Diana.  To make our husbands miserable._" Diana did not find this funny, despite her grandmother's attempt at softening her mood.  "_Your mother did the same to my grandson, and I was proud to have her as a daughter._"  

She smiled at Diana, seeing Alison, her mother, shine out through her. "_Oh darling, you are so like your mother, the same dark appearance, the same beauty.  But your eyes, your eyes are your father's._"

Diana examined the dress further.  She flipped it once or twice, reflecting on what the woman had said.  She didn't think it was true.  Then again, she didn't remember her father much.  At least that is what she had taught herself to believe.   The dress, which her mother once wore so elegantly in her youth, was now an aged piece of fabric, but neat nonetheless.  It seemed suitable, for it was either that or her mother's Go-Go boots.  She was disgusted by anything from her own wardrobe.  There were too many reminiscences.

"_Do you think I am a bad person?_" Diana asked, undoing the zipper and carefully draping the short dress over her head.  It was a bit loose.  Diana, as well as her mother, had hips, but Diana's weren't as wide anymore.

_"Why would I think that, dear?_" she said, neatening Diana's dress with her hands.  

_"You don't know.  You don't know what I've done._" Diana said, stopping her.  She went to look at herself in the mirror.  She looked like she could be out of a photograph.  

She remembered her mother well, at that moment, and how she used to do the same.  Diana's hair had always been lighter than her mothers.  She had gotten that from her father, but over the past month it darkened to a colour she hated.  It brought back too many memories.  She thought she looked like someone else, someone with a shrill laugh and foreboding presence.  

_"But I know what you think.  You cannot throw your life away because you are afraid._" she said.

_"I am not afraid!_" she yelled back, breathing heavily, pulling the dress below her knees.  "_It was for the best._" she said sternly, buttoning her dress.

_"Whatever you need to tell yourself, my love._" she answered, shaking her head.  _"Liar._"

"_Enough of this._" Diana sighed.  "_I'm going to work._"

_"You're late._" she said, shaking her head at the shameless attempt of getting away from her problems._ "Visit your aunt on the way home._" she called back, as she let the door slam.  Diana just waved a wave of indifference, as she pulled her sunglasses over her eyes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Oh yes, we were delighted, weren't we James?" Lily said, faking a smile to the Mistress of Magic, Millicent Bagnold.

"Supremely." He answered, in a mock excited tone that matched hers.

"I'm glad.  Dumbledore knows you all deserve it." the Mistress answered.  "So you'll agree to do it? We could really use you."

"Of course." Lily said.  "It'll be……fun."

"That's the idea." Millicent answered.  "Now you know that you have to show up one hour early to help with the catering and what not.  We are so short handed, and we want the foreign Ministers to know how seriously we take our jobs. And what better way than to have the Aurors plan it? After all, we owe you so much." She chuckled.  

"Mm hmm." James said.  "It's an honour." He lied.  "And my wife loves cleaning.  Anything to do with a broom, she goes crazy." He laughed throwing his head back in false amusement.  

"And my husband here is quite the chef.  Anything you need, anything at all, just come to him and he can whip it up in no time." Lily said, slapping his hand a tad harder than usual.

"Excellent!" she said, excitedly.  "Now make sure to tell the others, for I do lose track of all of you.  Now I know this may seem a bit provincial but I appreciate your sportsmanship and I know Dumbledore will be very proud."

"Thank you." James and Lily said at once.  "Have a lovely morning.  We look forward to meeting with you further." Lily said, getting up and shaking Bagnold's hand.  James did the same, and they walked out of her office with the look of thankfulness they tried to express.

Once they were outside the Ministry, on the other side of the phone booth, James took out a cigarette and started smoking it, walking briskly next to his wife, who was doing the same.  

"What the hell were you thinking in there?" James asked, raising his voice a little when they were on the other side of the street.

"Oh please.  You were acting the exact same way." She said.

"That's because you told me too." He said.

"Well, you listened, didn't you?" she said, taking out a pocket mirror and looking at her reflection.  "Now hurry up.  We are going to be late for the rehearsal dinner." She ordered.

"Ugh, I can't believe we have to do that.  It degrades us." James said.  "And don't you mean rehearsal lunch?"

"Doesn't matter.  But I agree.  Helpers? Is the Ministry going crazy? They just don't have anyone who wants to go to a function, and they figure, with us disguised as the help, if there is an attack we should be ready for it, no?"

"We don't have to wear uniforms do we?" James asked.

"How should I know? I was in the same room as you were?" she said, fixing her hair slightly in a passing window.  

"Yea.  Hey, and what was with the whole cooking bit?  What if she actually asks me to do it? I've never cooked anything in my life." He said.

"Me? You started it with your whole 'my wife loves to use a broom' nonsense." She said, pulling her bag higher on her shoulder.

"I was only joking." He said, raising the pitch of his voice higher.  

"It wasn't funny." She said, glancing at her watch.  "We have to pick up Sirius." She sighed.  

"Oh right." James said, losing some of his energy as well.  "Well, we're close.  No harm waking him."

"Just please knock this time." Lily said, nervously.  "I don't want to, you know." She said, shaking off an unpleasant thought.  

"I'm completely on your side." He said, shuddering.  "Lily, do we have to go to the rehearsal lunch?" he whined.

"Yes.  I've told you we had to for about two weeks.  I don't want to go either, but I'm the girl's matron of honour.  Why I need to rehearse standing next to her is beyond me." She said, as they both turned the corner down Sirius' block.

James laughed.  "Do you think the old coot will show up?" he asked.

"He had better.  This is ridiculous.  Giving us orders through Bagnold, as if that means anything." Lily said, waving her hand in the air.  "We started training again last week, and now Crouch wants us to be servants too.  Do you think they have meetings about this? How to confuse and make the lives of Aurors a living hell?" Lily said.

"Calm down, love." James said, slowing his pace.  "It's just a party.  The entire Ministry will be there, that's all."

"That's what I'm afraid of.  Ugh, could you imagine?  Malfoy, Nott, Snape, Macnair, all laughing at us while we're forced to serve them champagne?  I hate my life.  Not to mention the fact that we are one short." She said, chucking her cigarette in a bush outside of Sirius' flat.  "You knock."

"I don't really want to, Lil." James said.

"You said you would." She said, slapping him lightly.  "And, I can't either.  I don't want to."

"Fine." He said, and knocked three times, loudly.    

Sirius answered the door about half a minute later.  They smiled weekly at him, and he gave a nod and motioned them inside.  He had a cigarette already in his mouth, and he hadn't shaved in about a week.

"Sirius, Christ." Lily said, looking around at the flat, particularly the kitchen, which was a total and complete mess.  She sighed.  "Look at this place."

"I know.  I know." Sirius mumbled.  "Cleaning lady had the week off."

"You could have at least washed the damn dishes." She said, rolling up her sleeves to do it for him.  She reluctantly put her hands in the sink and turned on the faucet.

"Padfoot, put some clothes on." James said, making it clear that Sirius only had on boxer shorts.  

"Yes.  And get that disgusting thing off your chin." Lily commanded, referring to his scruffiness. 

"Sorry mates." Sirius yawned.  " 'Preciate the concern.  Although—"

"Is the shower on?" Lily interrupted.

"Uh—" Sirius said, scratching his head.

"Save it, mate." James said.  "Do you have any food in here?" he said, opening the fridge, which was baron.  "Clearly not.  Never mind."

"There's no water pressure." Lily said, turning off the faucet and getting her hands out of the sink.  "Is there anyone else here?" she said, folding her arms.

"Well, it's funny you should ask that, Lily.  It's…..well, it's actually a really funny story-"

"Sirius? Sirius?" they heard a feminine voice from the hallway say.  Then, they saw a petite, dark haired woman come out from the shadows in a towel.  Her hair was wet.  "Where's your shampoo—oh—oh my." She said, when she saw James and Lily.

James cleared his throat while Lily widened her eyes to the point where it was obvious what she was feeling.  

"Lily?" the woman asked, as if it could have been anyone else.

Lily tried to calm herself down and smile at the woman.  "Hello, Rebecca."

"So lovely to see you." She said, condescendingly.  "And James, you look good-"

"Lovely to see you too, dear.  It has been ages, hasn't it?" Lily said, although looking at Sirius.

"Mm, seems like forever.  So, you two are still married I take it?" she asked.  Lily narrowed her eyes at her.

"It would appear so, wouldn't it?" she answered.

"Yes, but, as you know, things aren't always as they seem, are they?" she said, airily.  "Well, I suppose I best be going now." She said.  "Seems like you three need to have a chat.  Lovely to see you all again though.  What's it been, four years?"

"About." James said.

"Don't you think you should get dressed, dear?" Lily said, tilting her head to the side.

Rebecca chuckled, and walked back into the bedroom to where her clothes were.  The three said nothing to each other while they waited.  James just looked at Sirius in disappointment, and shook his head.  Sirius shrugged, as if he didn't care.

Rebecca came back out in the clothes she had worn the night before, presumably.  Her hair was tied back now, and she began to feel a bit awkward just standing there.  Sirius decided her time was up.  "I'll owl you." He said, after he grunted.

"Right." She chuckled, as she passed them.  "I'll bet.  Listen, Lily…."

"Yea?" Lily answered wondering why she was still in the room.

"I do hope everything works out.  It must have been difficult, having your friend kill herself like that.  You know, I always liked her.  But, it was bound to happen I suppose.  Too bad." She shrugged, while Lily looked at her in confusion.  "Well, I'll let myself out."  And she did.

Once the door was shut, James and Lily just stared at their friend.  He didn't know what all the fuss was about.

"What?" he said, lighting another cigarette, while James went into his room to grab him a clean shirt.  

"Winters?" Lily said, as if she were morally offended.  "You're fucking Rebecca Winters…..again?" her voice was rising by the second.

"Fucking is a very strong word, Lily." Sirius said, scratching his head.  "We talked."

"I'll bet you did." James said.  "Damn, Padfoot.  You are still married, you know." He said, sourly, chucking an undershirt at him.

"Suddenly _you_ have morals?" Sirius asked.  "Did you two just come here to piss me off?" he said, walking over to the coffee pot, and pouring coffee into it.  He didn't know how old it was.

"You told her she was _dead_?" Lily said, fuming, trying to keep herself from strangling him.

"Dead, in exile, rotting away, what does it matter?" Sirius said, scrunching his face at the old coffee.

"It's a lie is what it is." James said, taking the coffee cup away from him.

"Lies, the truth…..it's all a very thin line really." Sirius said.  "People make up stories all the time to make themselves feel better.  It's like therapy."

"Which is what you need." Lily said.  "And if you're making up stories in your head we have bigger problems."

"It's not your problem." Sirius spat.

"He's right." James said.  "It isn't. You don't want help, and I'm sick of offering it.  So, can we drop this?" he asked, throwing old food in the garbage can next to the sink.

"Fine.  We're late as it is." Lily said, looking at her watch.

"For?" Sirius said, coughing.

"Alice and Frank's rehearsal lunch." She said.

"Oh right." Sirius chuckled.  "They'll understand if I don't—"

"You _have_ to leave the house, Sirius.  This is getting really ridiculous." James said.  "Pull yourself together, mate."

"Is he always this whiny?" Sirius whispered, looking at Lily.

"Don't change the subject." Lily said.

"I don't want to go." Sirius groaned.  "All they're going to do is kiss and proclaim their love for each other in front of a bunch of uncaring people.  I'll get sick if I go."

"Well, I'll get sick if you don't throw out this shit.  God, did Diana do _all_ the cleaning around here?" James spat, tying up the garbage bag.

"She hated to clean." Sirius said.  "I'm going back to bed." He said, and left the kitchen, throwing his cigarette on the floor.

"No, you won't." James said, calling after him.

"I'll clean, James." Lily said, taking her wand out of her belt loop.  He nodded and went after his friend.

James saw him staring out the window and sitting on its ledge.  He had lit another cigarette, while James stepped over mountains of them on the floor.  James looked around in repulsion.

"I know.  It's disgusting." Sirius sighed.

"You need to clean all of this." James said, leaning on the wall in front of him, so they were face to face.

"Don't look at me like that." Sirius said.

"Like what?"

"Pity.  I hate it."

"I don't pity you.  I just wish you could see what you have done to yourself."  James said, taking his own cigarettes out of his shirt pocket.  Sirius just stared blankly out the window, a longing look in his eyes.  

"I thought I told you……._never_……to speak her name in this house again." Sirius said.

"I figured you'd be over her by now.  It's been a month." James said, nonchalantly.

"I _am_ over her." He said, shrugging uncertainly.

"Bullshit."

"Well, what do you expect?" Sirius said, getting up from his place.  "A month won't erase seven years of my life.  A _month_ won't wipe away all this shit.  Fuck this, Prongs.  I am so sick of this life we lead."

"Oh, here it comes." James said, rolling his eyes.

"What?" Sirius said, irritably.

"The avalanche of bullshit I've had to hear everyday since June." He said.

"Ugh." Sirius snorted.  "Well, what about you?"

"This isn't about me."

"Sure it is.  What about your 'avalanche of bullshit' I have to hear?  You're the one with the guilt.  I did nothing wrong.  I am the aftermath of the madness that was my marriage.  Look at you.  You two are back to the way you were before, indifferent to each other.  I see no love.  Now isn't that worse?  Isn't that sad, that its your fault, and both of you are dishonest and stubborn, so much that you have resorted to acting like brother and sister to be comfortable?" he said, opening his drawer loudly.

James looked at him blankly.  He could see Lily walking towards them from the other end of the hall, and he did or said nothing.  He watched Sirius dress, while thinking in his head whether or not he had a point.  Regardless, he decided nothing could be helped then, and maybe not ever.

"Well, Padfoot….." he said, walking towards the door.  "At least I had the balls to acknowledge my love for my wife.  At least I had the courage to win her back, instead of pretending she is a ghost, which yours is not.  She's alive somewhere.  She has a family, and a job perhaps, and people who acknowledge that they love her."

"My _wife_ has no family." He said, zipping up his trousers.  

"Oh….." James chuckled.  "Really?  Well, you know what they say: the stairways up to Montmartre can make the wretched sigh."

"What in the hell does that mean?" Sirius said, tetchily.  "Don't turn into some poetic relationship messiah.  I just may murder you."

"Montmartre.  It's where the dead souls go to be alive again, isn't it?  The Can-Can, the Moulin Rouge……city of lights, the Opera.  Never mind, old friend, you're right.  She has no family……..unless you count you, and Lily….and me….."

"She doesn't want us."

"Sometimes though, you don't choose your family.  Just like, I didn't choose to love her like my family, but I do, and so should you.  Denial is poisoning my friend.  I spent most of my life doing it.  Now get dressed." He said, and slammed the door behind him.

Lily was cleaning the kitchen and picking up cigarette butts from the floor with her wand.

"Ugh, this is so gross." She said, pinching her nose.

"Let me help you." He said, grabbing a bag and holding it open for her.

"He's getting worse." She said, throwing a handful into the bag.

"I know."

"Well, at least Rebecca is a step up from the other ones."

"We don't know he didn't pay her." James said.

At this Lily slapped him on the shoulder.  "Shhh."

"He didn't hear anything." He said, cocking his head towards the bedroom door.

"Don't be so blunt." She said, souring her expression.

"Because being secretive has been working like a charm lately."

"No one is being secretive.  Some people just deal with things differently than others.  I don't know why he couldn't just find some cute cocktail waitress.  He had to resort to those—those—"

"Whores?"

"Shhhh!" Lily threw her hands in the hair.  "So inhumane," she said.  "Oh, why can't she just come back?" Lily said, shaking her head.  "I just want everything to be back the way it was, before all this baby nonsense.  She should have just had an abortion without telling him and we'd all be in a better place."

"Lily." James said, showing a squeamish expression.  

"What? It's legal.  Besides, she wasn't ready.  Another year, maybe two.  Maybe if I just knew where she was."

"Stop worrying.  Now, now, love," James began, touching her shoulder.  "Everything will be fine."

"You know, you say that an awful lot.  But, optimism gets even the most depressed people out of tragedies, I suppose, if depressed people can be optimists." 

"Hey, all I know is that there's the positive people, and then people like Sirius, and maybe even you and I." 

"Cynics.  Yes, I suppose." She shrugged, getting back to her cleaning.  "We have to talk to Dumbledore."

"Yes.  Today." James answered.  "Lil?"

"Mm?"

"Do I still turn you on?"

"And that is the second worse timing of such a ridiculous question.  I just might have to divorce you for asking."

 ~~~**~~~

"Remus…….wake up." Nicole said, nudging him with her knee as she awakened.

"Mmmm.  What?" he answered with his face buried in the pillow.

"It's after noon." She said, crouching down on the floor where he was, in the tiny shack about one hundred feet from their estate.  "How do you feel?"

"I don't know.  Did you hit me with a two by four last night by any chance?" he said, rubbing his head and picking up his tattered clothes.

"No." she said, helping him up.  ""You know, last night I was thinking……I have an idea."

"Oh yeah, and what's that?" he asked, cracking his neck and grabbing his shoulder, which was bruised slightly from the previous night.

"Well, I was thinking that…..maybe I could become an Animigus too." She said, drawing the blinds with her free hand.

"Why?"

She looked at him oddly.  "So that I can be with you, stupid, during your transformations.  If they're getting this bad, and even Peter stopped coming 'round, well, I think I could help you."

"Nic, it is a very dangerous process." He said.  "I don't want you getting hurt."

"Well I can't stand you getting hurt all the time.  Remus, this has to stop.  If you are nowhere near a cure then why are we wasting our time here?  I want to help, and you will not attack me."

"You don't know that.  Listen, babe, I want you as far away as possible from this, alright? That's it."

"No.  Remus, I hate this.  I love you but I feel like I only see you fleetingly.  You are either here or at work, or….I don't know but I never see you anymore.  I'd be good at it.  and maybe I could….keep you human for a while.  And I've never seen you transformed—"

"Believe me it's nothing special." He answered, opening the door to the shack.

"Remus, I want to talk about this." She said, looking at her watch.  "But we have to leave now.   Let me fix you up, but then we have to leave."

"For?"

"Frank and Alice." They said together.  "Fine." He said.  "Hey.  Smile for me."

She did, and shook her head at him.  "Get inside." She said, pushing him slightly.  "And no funny business."

"Yes, Madam." He said, and put his hands around her waist as she walked.

~~**~~

"I can't believe you made me go.  Why do I have to go again?" Sirius asked, as his friends dragged him to the future Longbottom's rehearsal lunch.

"Shut up, you big baby." Lily said, opening the door to an inconspicuous building.

"Lily!" they heard as soon as they entered the room.  Alice ran to her and they embraced.  "Thank heavens! We thought you weren't going to show up—"

"This is a church." Sirius said, scrunching his face.  James elbowed him lightly in the ribs.

"It's lovely." Lily said.  "But—"she began, looking at her surroundings.

"I have no idea." Alice said.  "Frank thought it would be best, considering……"

"I see." Lily said, looking around at the high, vaulted ceilings.  She saw Nicole looking up too, with the exact expression Lily was feeling.  She walked up to her.

"Hey, babe." Lily said, touching her sleeve.

"Isn't it odd?" Nicole said, looking up still.  "I haven't been in one of these in years." She said.  She began to touch the walls and the pews in wonder.  Lily leaned against one of them, and touched the arm.

"Yeah, a bit.  You tucked your wand away?" she asked, groping her belt loop to make sure it was still there.

"Mm." Nicole said, pointing at her bag.

"Good." Lily sighed.  "What is this, Catholic?" she asked.

Nicole pointed to the giant crucifix above the alter.  "Beautiful, isn't it?"

"It's a bit sad, to have suffering mounted on a wall like that, as if it's something to be revered."

"Oh, shut up, Lily." Nicole said, folding her arms and walking closer to it.  "You know exactly why it's there.  You weren't always a witch, you know."

"Oh, I know, very well in fact.   For five years I went to a school adjacent to a building much like this one."

"So did I.  My parents thought I was trouble, even then.  Do Frank and Alice even know? Do they know what this building means to some people?  They're just using it as a hideout.  It's just so incredibly—"

"Sacrilegious?"  Lily said, picking up a bible from the pew.

"I don't know what it is, but according to that we should be burned at the stake."  Nicole said, pointing to it, while Lily began flipping the pages.  "It isn't fair."

"Life's not fair, Nic.  I know nothing of all of this, of God, or Christ or whoever.  I thought I did, but I don't."

"You shouldn't say that." Nicole said, lowering her voice.  "There is a God.  There has to be."

"Why?"

"Why not? Who else would we pray to?"

"I don't pray." Lily said, tossing the bible back to its place.  She caught James out of the corner of her eye, and her heart warmed with a sort of melancholy ache.  Then she looked at Nicole again.  "Why pray when all everyone really needs is a fucking case worker?"

"I hope that wasn't a joke." She said, and left her side irritably to join the others.  "Your lack of spirituality has made you cynical." Lily shrugged and began to look at the stained glass windows that told the story of the crucifixion.  

"Hypocrite." Lily whispered.

"You shouldn't say things like that." Remus said from behind.  Lily turned and smiled at him.

"You don't believe in God, Remus." Lily said.  "You don't know how it was drilled into us as children."

"I mean you shouldn't say them to _her._" He said.

"Huh? Why?" she asked.

"She's been acting strange lately.  I don't know why.  She's just……different.  She comes up with things even I can't believe." He said, shaking his head and leaning against a marble pillar.  "Dumbledore's not here." He said.

"I noticed.  I'll have to see him myself then." She said.  "Different how?"

"I see Sirius still looks like shit." He said, awkwardly shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Oh yea.  Caught him with another conquest." Lily said.  

"Really? Infidelity.  It seems an escape, doesn't it?"

"A rather comforting one." Lily said.  "We're the only ones, you know, who have remained faithful.  Well, Nic too."

"Sirius, with all these women as an escape, pretending they're her.  Diana and Malfoy, in the early stages.  But that wasn't necessarily her fault.  Peter and Katrina, remember them?"

"Katrina with her Muggle husband.  It infuriated Peter, and he was never one to get truly jealous or angry in all his life.  Very odd indeed.  He wasn't even upset when she died, his grudge was so deep.  It's like he half expected it."

"Katrina didn't love him, and now she's dead.  Fascinating."

"And let's not forget my husband and his little conquest." Lily said, cocking a bitter head behind her.  "And a Malfoy as well.  They seem to be in Vogue, don't you agree."

Remus gasped.  "How did you—"

"Don't look so surprised.  I am very clever, indeed."  Lily said, turning around to look at who else entered the church.  "Speak of the devil, look who's here."

"Hello, Lily." Peter said, walking briskly towards her and giving her an awkward kiss on the cheek.

"Well, well, well, Mr. Perttigrew.  You look different." She said.  "Care to tell us where you've been lately?"

"Or last night?" Nicole said from behind.  "We miss you Peter.  Someone could have used your company recently, since no one else seems too wrapped up in their own affairs anymore."

"Don' interrogate the poor boy, Nic." Remus said.  "Peter, old boy.  What's going on?"

"Nothing.  The usual." He said, wiping his forehead with a handkerchief.

"What would that be exactly?" Lily said.  "We haven't seen you in ages."

"Heavens. Is that Sirius?"

"No, it's his brother." Nicole said, rolling her eyes at him.

"Uh—oh—" he stuttered.

"Holy Merlin." Remus began, but by the time Lily turned around Sirius uttered, but for everyone to hear, "It's about bloody time."

"Hello my friends." Dumbledore exclaimed jubilantly.  "I know my visit is a few minutes late, but there was traffic in the time/space continuum."

"Minutes? Try months." Nicole said, and Lily nodded.

"Hello Professor." Frank said, coming out of the back room.  He was going over some preparations when he heard the voice of the jolly old man.

"Hello Frank, and all." He said, looking around him, not getting one look of welcome, except for Remus.

"Delighted to see you sir." He said, shaking his hand.

"Hello, Lupin." He responded, the twinkle in his eye less defined than when they saw him last.

"Professor." Nicole said, uniformly.  Lily and James just smiled.

The rehearsal in the small church went as ordinarily as possible.  Everyone had done their assigned jobs and smiled and congratulated.  Dumbledore practiced walking Alice down the aisle while Lily, as predicted, practiced simply standing next to her, oozing false support and optimism.  James laughed at her attempt, while Sirius ignored it, looking at the passing seconds on his watch.  Frank and Alice walked blissfully to the refreshment table, while Lily and Sirius gagged.

Dumbledore sidled behind James while he was refilling his cup of tea.

"James? A word please." He said, in an uncommonly secretive tone.  James looked at him, confused, but followed him into an isolated corner of the hall.

"Is something wrong, Professor?" he asked, repeatedly dunking his tea bag.

"Has the Mistress of Magic given you your assignments for the gal coming at the end of the month?"

"Oh…….uh huh." He replied, putting his other hand on his hip.

"Now I know what you all must be thinking.  I can't blame you.  I even feel guilty about it all.  But, trust me.  A strong connection with me is not exactly safe now.  We need to keep our distances."

"Well asking us to be part of a secret organization and then cutting off all communication without warning is quite a different—"

"James.  Listen.  You cannot seriously think that I requested you to service the event simply so you could hand out finger sandwiches?" 

"To tell you the truth, Professor, me and Lily don't know what to think.  Have you even tried to keep up with us lately?" he said, sounding more hurt at the thought of being abandoned than angry.

"Yes, regrettably.  If only I had been there—"

"Well, you weren't." James spat.  "What are we going to do? We're one short, and who knows where that girl is, Sirius is barely human, Frank is now focusing on his marriage, and me and Lily are taking it all on our shoulders.  Without any help from you I might add."

"You have to realize something, James.  I will not always be there to clean up the mess.  Make your own decisions.  You are both adults now.  It is terribly sad that we have lost Miss Renton, but it is unavoidable now.  There are other members besides you who have been working tremendously hard in their field.  The only thing is……she as are only connection to the other side.  Your wife cannot do it alone.  I am afraid we are in the dark now.  Who knows what is being plotted.  Be careful, now.  You cannot have confidence in every trusting face anymore.  Do you understand?"

"So? What do you want me to do about that?  I can't help it if we don't have a connection.  I don't know where the girl is, and I'm not sure me looking for her is going to make her husband happy."

"Don't lie to me." He said, pointing a knowing finger at him.  "We both know where she resides, for different reasons of course."

"I can't go there, Sir.  Lily—"

"She can't know."

"But, Professor—"

"You must get her back here.  I don't care how.  She must come freely.  I don't want her dragged.  You know why she must return." He said, changing the glance of his eyes to Sirius.

"She's killing him.  I refuse—"

"We both know you don't mean that.  You shouldn't fear Lily so.  It is your guilty heart that is making you a coward.  Redeem yourself.  Bring your family back together."

"And how am I supposed to dot that?" he said, chugging his tea, which was still hot.

"There are only four questions in life, Mr. Potter.  What is sacred?  Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for?  Do you know the answer to all these questions, James?  They are all the same."

"Do not riddle me, I beg you, sir.  But, no, I do not." He said.

"Love, James.  Only love." Dumbledore said, and his wisdom made James' soul quiver, as he looked at Lily from afar, never seeing her so beautiful.  "There are still happy times to be had, young Potter.  Do not deny yourself your future because of fear, for it is fear that damages us.  Courage, James.  And on that night, of July 31, turn history around for us.  We are not the only ones with spies, you know.  Turn it around.  It will start with this joyous occasion between friends, but you, and only you, decide where it ends.  Good day." He said, pushing his trademark half moon glasses further upon his nose.

As Dumbledore drifted away, Lily went to James' side.  "What on earth—" she began, noticing his visage, and how he took her hand.  He faced her now, and took her sweet face in his hands.  He kissed her forehead, appreciating her for the loyal wife she was.

He hugged her then, and glanced again at his best friend at the table a good distance away, and then whispered," Do you want to take a little trip?"


	23. Recounts and Revelations

Disclaimer. I mean, really now. Must we do this again?

~*~*~*~

_~Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title. --Virginia Woolf~_

Diana walked down the street, taking her detour.  She decided to stop in a bookshop before starting her day.  She always felt comfortable and at home in a bookshop.  The whole aura of Paris consumed her, and she had felt more at home than she ever did.  She loved the sights, the sounds, the language, and the blasé attitude that was free from worry or obligation.  She looked around, picking up books here and there, stopping on a copy of the classic Great Expectations, her _Dickens_ favourite, and translated so beautifully into French.

She stopped by the _Austins_, and the _Steinbecks_, and skimmed the poetry books and the novellas.

She was just about to walk out when she heard her name being called.  That is, if 'baby' was her name.  Then she remembered.  The only thing she didn't like about Paris, were the Parisians themselves, particularly the men.  Rude and pompous they were, with the air of being cool and collected, while swearing on their lives how rebellious they were.  She didn't think they had anything to be rebellious of.  They hadn't won a war, ever.

She smiled insincerely at the young man who had called her.  He was tall and calm, as she knew he would be.  He seemed to be letting his hair blow subtly in the wind, giving it that messy, windswept look.  She gagged inside.

"Bon jour, cheri (_Good day, darling_.)" he said, and she hated him immediately.  

"Bon jour." She said back, pretending to be in quite a hurry, and terribly uninterested.

_"Where is a lovely woman like you going on this beautiful Sunday afternoon?_" he said, lighting up a 100's cigarette.  

"_That is none of your concern, Sir."_ She said.  "Au revoir****_(goodbye)"_

"_Wait, beautiful, wait, please._" He begged, getting up from his spot. She was halfway down the block, but she stopped, reluctantly, and turned.  "Merci_ (Thank you)_**."** He said, catching up with her.

"_What do you want?_" she sighed, and crossed her arms.  

_"I was just wondering, are you an actress? " _he asked.  She rolled her eyes at him.

"_Why do you ask?" _she answered.

_"Because…..you should be."_ he said, staring her up and down.  "_You're gorgeous."_

She nodded and shook her head.  "Au revoir." She said, and waved him away.  This time, he didn't follow her.  There were other women, and easier ones to get than that.  She put on her sunglasses and walked towards the direction of her employment, her new employment.  No training or battles or Death Eaters.  It was how she liked it.  It was simple, but not at all fulfilling.  She remembered she was told to visit her aunt on the way home that evening.  She would of course, if only for a further distraction and free food.

~*~

"What kind of trip?" Lily laughed as she let go of James' hand.  "Where are you getting such ludicrous ideas?"

"I just thought, well, we need a vacation." He said, running his hands awkwardly through his hair.

Lily began to laugh hysterically at him.  "A vacation? A vacation!  Are you off your rocker? We can't take a vacation."

"Why not?" he asked, rather insulted.  "We've earned it."

"Uh uh.  You don't make up your mind that quickly Mr. Potter.  Where did you think up such nonsense?" she said, taking his teacup and drinking out of it.

"Come on. We could go to, oh, I don't know…..perhaps Paris, for the weekend?" he said, giving her the most pathetic attempt at puppy dog eyes.

"Paris? For the weekend?  Mm hmm, mm hmm.  Have you gone insane? Why on earth would I want to go to Paris?"

"Can you keep your voice down? You echo, you know, especially when you whine." James said, irritably.  

"We've been to Paris.  I like it, but why?" she said, shaking her head irrationally and folding her arms.

"You know, Lil.  I just figured, to stir things up again I would take a little weekend trip with you.  No working, no training, just me and you, but noooo, that's impossible now, isn't it?  Ugh, and you wonder why we have problems."

"James? You are not seriously guilting me into going to Paris with you, are you? Because, that would be absurd.  And don't blame our problems on not taking vacations.  We don't even have time to have this argument, let alone fly to Paris."

"We would take the train."

"Oh, come off it." she said, then paused to think.  "You want to go to Paris to get away from everyone, don't you?" she said, shaking her head at him.  

"Maybe." He said.

"Well, it's selfish."

"We deserve to be selfish." He said, and she nodded, acknowledging it.

"Yes. I suppose." She said, batting her eyelashes, sarcastically.  "What do you want to do in Paris that we can't do here? That is, besides fuck in the Eiffel Tower."

"Lily!" he whispered loudly.  "We are in a church." He said, shushing her, but liking the idea just the same.

"Oh, so now you care about religion." She chuckled.

"I never said that. But I can't help feeling like I've broken some rule in here. And that unsettling image above the alter is giving me chills.  Can we leave now?"

"Yes, darling, we can leave." She said, patting his shoulder.  "And that's Jesus Christ. He sees _everything_." She said, with a sinister whisper.

"Um, alright. Well J.C. better not be around when we're in Paris. He's not getting a free show."

"You are blasphemous." She said, shaking her head and readying herself to say goodbye to the others.

"Because infidelity wasn't enough." He whispered, but she was too far away to hear.

~*~

The doors of the Paris Opera House were opened and welcoming to the young woman who reluctantly shuffled inside.   The door closed behind her automatically and she went right backstage of the monstrosity, where there were other stagehands and passers by who didn't even notice her.  Her stockings itched in the heat of the place, and as she set her bag down she lifted up her dress and unclipped her garter.  

"_Hello, Diana.  You're here, finally._"a woman said, a little older than she, but not superior.  

"Bonjour, Carlotta." She answered.  "Anglais, s'il vous plait _(English, please)._" She said, as she kicked off her shoes.

The woman laughed.  "Très bien._(Very well)_Tired of us already, _chéri_?" she said, sitting daintily on a chair in front of the backstage mirror.

"I have a headache, if you don't mind." Diana answered, taking off her sunglasses and letting down her hair.  She then cracked her neck.

"Don't we all, _mon cher._" Carlotta said.  "Christine should be up in a minute or two.  She needs her makeup done for the 2 o'clock show."

"Bien. _(Fine)_" Diana said.  "Are the dancers here yet?"

"No, just the stage-hands, setting up the curtain.  Oh, _ma Belle_, you look awful." She said, turning to look at her for the first time.  "Out last night?"

"A bit." Diana said.  

"Ugh, I am so glad I moved away from Wales when I did, or else I'd be a night kitten like you." She chuckled.  "Très triste_ **(**very sad)."_

"Mm." Diana said.  "Where's your costume?"

"Hanging there.  Bring it to me please, _belle_." Carlotta said, holding her hand out.

Diana went over to the adjacent rack and brought over her plus sized Diva gown.  "_Merci_." She said, as she began changing, and practicing her vocals.  Scales, librettos, arias….she practiced all of them in Diana's presence, while Diana did her makeup and her hair.  The young woman, about five years younger than Diana, came up out of the lower levels and into the dressing rooms, and Diana thought her head was about to explode of she heard one more note.

"Oh, Bonjour Diana!" the young girl cried.  She smiled warmly and Diana returned it.  "Carlotta….._Marvellous!_" she cried, looking at her in full costume, while Diana picked her teeth in the mirror with her nails.

"_Sit down, child."_ Diana said.  "_Now, practice." _she said, as the girl sat down in the chair next to her. "Un, deux, trios_….(1, 2, 3)_" Diana said, snapping her fingers.

Christine sighed.  "Eet iz 'ard. _(It's hard)_" she said, slowly, trying to speak English.  "Difficile_ (Difficult.)_"

"So is life, dear, you must learn." Carlotta said, as she fixed her wig in the mirror, well aware the child didn't understand a word.  Diana just smirked and started on the girl's makeup.

"So life is a difficult lesson, and now it has to be taught?" Diana said, smirking at Carlotta through the mirror.

"Precisely." Carlotta said, fashioning on her wig.  

" Français, s'il vous plait_ (French, please)_" Christine wailed, looking back and forth between the two women in confusion.

" _I'm sorry, angel_" Diana said, sweetly. "_Would you like to talk?_"

"_Arabella told me you were married._" Christine said, as if it had been on her tongue for some time.

"_How do you know her?_" Diana asked, and stopped what she was doing.

"_She used to watch me as a girl.  Isabel got her for me._" She said, looking at herself in the mirror.

" _I see._" Diana said, annoyed.  

"_And I know you are not a widow._" Christine said.  "_You don't act like one._"

"_Oh really? Oh, young one, what my aunt told you was wrong.  She is a crazy old bat.  She loves to tell her stories._" She said, looking at her finished project.  " Parfait. _(Perfect.)_" She muttered.

"_You should go back to him._" Christine said.  Diana ignored her.  "I w_ould, if he loved me that much._"

"_You are young and foolish, child.  Of course you would._" Diana said.

After a minute of finishing touches, Christine began to laugh.  

"Quoi?_ What?_" Diana said, this time a bit angrily.

"_Arabella also told me a funny thing.  Maybe she is crazy._"

" _What was it?_" Diana asked, rolling her eyes.

"_Well…..now don't laugh.  She told me you were……a witch!_" Christine continued to laugh but stopped when she saw Diana was not laughing.

Diana started to usher her to the stage, ignoring her and hating her aunt at the same time.  She turned Christine around for one last look, smiled, and said, in English, "Actually, that part was true."  

~*~

Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc. Tic……it never ends.  She will not go away, he thought.  The kitchen was spotless now.  There was no more mess, no more dirt, all there was around, was baron.  The dishes were stocked neatly away in their cupboards, and the silverware was polished and organized.  There was no noise, save the ticking of that insufferable clock.  What time was it, anyway, he thought?

An empty Scotch bottle was overturned in front of him, empty.  A glass with melted ice was planted firmly in his hand, but shaking it would not make a clinking noise to distract him.  What did he need distraction from, he thought? His life was over, finished.  Never again would he look into her brown eyes.  Never would hear the sound of her tingling, seductive, and effervescent voice.  She was hopelessly flawed, but perfectly so, if that made any sense at all.

An open book lay in front of him, unread, untouched until now.  The only thing she left, for reasons unknown.  Perhaps it was unconsciously forgotten.  Perhaps it was deliberately forgotten.  Either way there it was, leather bound with faded pages.  A diary.  

It was not magiked.   It was not bewitched to talk back or to be sealed from eyes.  It was plain, with scratchy, abrasive writing.  Random in thought pattern, yet planned out concisely, like a story.  No, more like letters to an old friend, or a parent.  Good days, and bad ones.  Starting from the day they were married, and ended before she was pregnant.

He drew the book nearer, and flipped the pages to somewhere in the middle.  It was not dated, and he read with her voice in his head, imagining her state as she wrote.

            How wonderful it is to be in love, and altogether so strange.  Two months we have been married, and I am his world.  How strikingly hilarious! I don't think myself worth enough to be someone's world, but yet I am.  Isn't that the funniest thing? Sometimes I catch him staring at me, and I can't help but laugh.  Sometimes he joins in my laughter, and I get that feeling.  You know that feeling, don't you Mama? It's butterflies and hunger, when you can't stop smiling, and a simple kiss is rapture.  I love him so much, and have so for years.  I just don't think I ever acknowledged it.  The first time he kissed me was when I was mourning the death of you and Daddy.  I was so confused, yet so complete.  He sits there now, and drinks his tea, reading his paper, sneaking a glance at me again.  Maybe it's to make sure I don't run away.  He fears for me still, but I can never go back there again.  It still hurts, but he makes me want to live.  Sirius makes me strong, and I am me with him.  I am who I remember.  I have hope again.  I am home.  I am where I hope to be forever.  I trust him, and I will not run away.  He is all that I need.  He doesn't know how he's changed me.  He has given me life.  He has restored it.  He is my home, and I will stay with him.  I love being wanted.  I love being loved without a price.  His hands are warm and soft, and he looks at me like I am the only woman in the world.  I wish he could know my love for him.  I wish he could see that my life without him would be death.  But he doesn't see.  Maybe he never will.  But that's alright, for now.  My demons are buried for the time being.  My dreams of him have come true, finally.  I did not think they would.  The world, I see is full of happiness.  Full of grace and beauty.  It's like the Paris I remember, but will never see again.  It is no longer in my mind.  I'm not crazy anymore.  And maybe, for once, there is a God.

Wacko, he thought.  Who writes to their dead mother? I sure as hell wouldn't.  She was happy with me though, he thought.  She loved me.  I did know that.  She remembered that kiss.  She remembered how I looked at her.  I never stopped looking at her, loving her, he thought, tragically.  More importantly, she was happy.  Two months we were married.  Why couldn't it have stayed that way?  What happened to make her change so?

He flipped the pages some more.  He guessed it was a few months later.  Actually it was a few years.  They had been married longer at this date.  The handwriting was different, as if she stopped trying.  She must have been at least twenty.

            He has poisoned me.  I was pure, re-virginized, if you will, before this.  I was a goddamn fucking angel.  Was that not enough? My heart turned, didn't it?  The promise I made was earnest and true.  But that promise isn't as strong as the other, I suppose.  Marriage vows are a lifelong commitment, but I was married to Voldomort first.  The lives I took, the people I've tortured.  No amount of repentance is good enough! I was married in the eyes of God, was I not? But God wasn't there! I was baptized and christened, and cleansed but I might as well have fire running through my veins! No one, except few feel what I do right now.  The pain is too much. It burns like all of hell, with devils stabbing me with their pitchforks, laughing at me!  I can hear him.  I can hear him inside my head.  His cold, hard, unfeeling voice permeating my soul, and crushing my skull.  

Wait.  I have no soul, only this damned shell that has brought me nothing but misery.  There is no moon tonight.  Sirius is asleep, totally fucking clueless.  Funny really.  You shag the husband and he shuts the fuck up.  Lucius always said that was the only thing I knew how to do.  And he was right.  And now he's back again.  I didn't ask for him, but he keeps haunting me, stalking me, wanting me.  My Lord's voice sings songs in my head, with Lucius breathing, heavily, hotly while Sirius sleeps in the bed I have polluted. 

He cannot know.  He mustn't know.  I tried, I tried.  For months I tried.  He'll tell, he'll tell, I know he will! He made me promise and I did! I want him away from me.  I want him out of me!  He poisons me still, where I can't function anymore.  He poisons me until I forget who I am. 

I am Sirius Black's wife.  Sometimes I have to repeat it to make it true.  Sirius would kill me if he knew these things.  But he is asleep now, and it burns so harshly.  The burning I feel, now in my heart.  Should I go? Will it stop if I go?  He needs me.  The Dark Lord needs me. My husband needs me more.  He loves me, he loves me.  I love him.  Yes, I have to.

Oh, Sirius, Sirius.  Love.  Heart.  Life.  Freedom!  My soul, my beauty, it is all within him.  I am this way because of how he sees it.  Darling, husband, lover, friend, saviour.  I want to tell him.  I can't. I want to tell him it is he I adore, but if he knew this you wouldn't think so.  My sweet, strong perfect husband.  I didn't want it.  I didn't mean it! Forgive, forgive.   I don't deserve him.  I deserve the rape I am subjected.  But I shall never be without guilt.  And now I'm writing like he's here.  But he's not.  And I'm still crazy………fantastic.

Happy fucking anniversary.

The book was shut loudly and then thrown hard against the wall.  He got up and threw the glass in the sink. It shattered with his force and made a blood curdling sound as it reached the sound barriers of his mind.

~*~

Diana walked briskly, and with severe attitude known as _Le mal Marche_.  How appropriate, she thought agitatedly.  Her step was fierce, with her scarf hanging loosely over her shoulders.  Mrs. Andre, Christine's mother had crocheted it for her and gave it as a gift after the show, for teaching her daughter English, or attempting to at least.  She came to number 21, after a cluster of apartment buildings whizzed by.  Arabella's home was at the end of the street, and had a tiny green light over the door.  She wasted no time prying it open.  It was never locked anyway.

"Aunt Ara!" she yelled, slamming the door behind her.  The lights in the living room were on and she could hear faint singing in the back room, which was also the kitchen.  

"What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a Cabaret old chum. Come to the Cabaret…."

"I can hear you." Diana said, throwing her scarf and bag on the dusty couch.  She walked into he kitchen, and immediately held her nose because of the ghastly smell that permeated the air.

The older woman, of about fifty, danced up to her, in quite the jolly mood and grabbed Diana's hands.  "Come taste the wine, come hear the band. Come blow a horn. Start celebrating.  Right this way your table's waiting." She sang, trying to force Diana to dance.  She tried to keep her feet as firmly planted as possible.

"Cabaret in town, I suppose." She said, breaking herself free and plopping herself down on a nearby couch. 

"No use permitting some prophet of doom, to wipe every smile away—"

"Uh huh." Diana interrupted.  "What is that ghastly smell? Cabbage, I'm guessing.  Good.  Considering potion making is your only magical talent to speak of.  A wand certainly wouldn't do you any good."

"Arabella stopped singing, and scowled.  "Well, aren't you a party pooper, interrupting me so.  You're like a dementor, sucking my happiness out of me."

"I apologize."

"Good." She said, and smirked.  "I…..used to have a girlfriend known as Elsie." She sang.

"Christ" Diana muttered, rubbing her forehead.

"With whom I shared for sordid rooms in Chelsea."

"I have a headache."

"She wasn't what you'd call a blushing flower." She sang, off key.  "Come, lovely sing with me."

"No." she said.

"Yes."

Diana sighed, and the woman began to tap her feet loudly and hum.  It infuriated her with annoyance.  "Fine." She said.  "As a matter of fact, she rented by the hour." Diana sang, half-heartedly.  "There, now stop."

"Finish it. Then, I'll stop."

"Why?" she whined.

"Because." She said, and folded her arms.

"Ugh……the day she died the neighbours came to snicker.  'Well that's what comes from too much pills and liquor. " She stopped. 

"Well, go on, darling." She said, sitting down, herself.

"But when I saw her laid out like a queen….she was the happiest…..corpse…….I'd ever seen.  I think of elsie to this very day.  I remember how she'd turn to me, and say--" She said.  "That's it, Aunt. I'm done with this foolishness."  A face flashed before Diana's eyes.  Bellatrix.  The drink and sex loving embodiment of wickedness, and she heard her voice through her words.  Then she started again, but didn't know why.  "What good is sitting alone in your room?  Come hear the music play.  Life is a Cabaret, old chum.  Come to the Cabaret.  And as for me, as for me, I made my mind up back in Chelsea.  When I Gooooo, I'm going like Elsie.  Start by admitting from cradle to tomb, isn't that long a stay.  Life is a Cabaret, only a Cabaret, and I love a Cabaret!" 

Her aunt jotted, mentally, her every move.  "Nice pipes darling." She said.  "And how true that is."

"What?" Diana asked, starting to fold a discarded napkin.

"Life is a Cabaret.  That's why I love that play.  Tragedy until the very end."

"Oh, I'm just playing, Aunt Ara." She said, stopping and undoing her hair clasp.

"Mm. Hey.  Didn't you want to yell at me about something?" she asked, airily getting back to her cooking.

Diana thought.  "Yes." She said.  "Give me a second."  She remembered.  "Oh yes.  How could you tell that, that infant what I was! Was it because you aren't?" she said, rudely.

"Oh, yes, Cheri.  That is my reason for everything." She said, monotone.  "Honestly, child-"

"Don't patronize me, you old bat!" she yelled, slamming her hand down.  "We have our secrets.  You must respect my wishes!"

"Oh, the girl didn't care that you were a witch.  She thinks I'm crazy anyway.  And she was probably thrown by the fact that your skin's not green, and I never have heard you cackle." She said, stirring away.

"I was referring to the fact that I was _married._" Diana spat, and her aunt started hysterically laughing.  Diana stood up.  "Yes, it is quite hilarious." She said, hissing as she spoke.  "Lets all laugh about it!"

"Oh, sweet child." She said, putting her hand on Diana's cheek.  "You poor misguided little girl."

"I am not a child!"  Diana whined, and stomped her feet.

"Yes, you are.  Your acting like you're two years old.  Grow up, darling."

"I am plenty grown up, thank you.  Christ, I think I'm as old as, well, you sometimes."

"Thanks sweetheart." She said, scowling  "Please.  All you know is a simple heartache.  It will heal." Arabella said.

"Heartache.  Heartache?  Is that what you think?" 

"Mm hmm." Arabella said, practically shooing her.  "Young people, she thought.  

Diana held out her left arm for her aunt to see.  "Is _this_ a simple heartache?"

Her aunt screamed, dropping the spoon into the pot. 

"That's right.  Take a good look, Arabella.  Simple heartache, my ass.  This is what I walked away from.  I left my husband so he would never have to see this again, not because of a silly thing called a broken heart."

She stood there and stared at it, breathing heavily. "How? How!" she yelled, clenching her fists, dramatically.  "After all your mother—"

"Fuck my mother! Fuck the lot of you!  My mother was Slytherin happy in school too, that whore."

"Why how dare—"

"She was a terrible mother.  She did nothing for me.  She even cheated on daddy! Did you forget that? She left him and me for two weeks, and then showed up, begging forgiveness, and he took her back!  I swear to god, that woman should have been sterilized."

"Now see here—" she said, but the girl kept speaking.

"Don't!  She made me not want to have children.  She would smoke and drink and say she hated my father.  I would never want my children to see that.  If I have one drop of that in me, one drop then I am better off alone."

"You are so stupid! How could you?" she said, her hands shaking in anger.  "I should strangle you for saying such a thing! You ignorant cowardly fool!  She never cheated on your father. You were what, three?  Dim-witted girl.  You taught yourself to remember such foolishness."

"Whatever." Diana said, refusing to listen.  "I know what I remember."

"You know what you were _taught_ to remember." Arabella corrected.  "His wickedness has poisoned you." She calmed.  "I just don't understand.  You gave your life, to, to, those _people_? Are you mad?" she screeched.

"Apparently.  If I'm making up my own history." She said, lighting a smoke.

"Your mother loved you, very much." Arabella sounded sad as she said this, even regretful.

"Do you think I want this? I _hate_ it." Diana said, calming down.

"My god.  Are you that dense? You—you gave your life to the very people who killed your parents.  What were you thinking?"

"It was years ago." Diana explained.

"How many, one, two? Were you married? That precious husband, the love of your life, is he one too?" she said, angrily. "Did he teach you to defy your mother's memory? Did he tell you to go against your very blood!"

Diana paused, and rolled up her sleeve.  She sank deeper into her chair.  "No." she said.  "No, none of that.  His family, yes, but, no, not him.  He wouldn't…….he wasn't like that."

"So then how did you get into this mess? You are more brainwashed than I ever would have guessed.  I am horrified." She said, and she meant it.  "You are so different now than when you were a little girl.  How did you change?  When did you change?"

Diana just looked at her, and then walked out of the room.  She was upset, infuriated, pained, feeling everything, and nothing.  She opened the front door.  The green light was still illuminating brightly.  She looked up at the stars, then at the houses around her.  Arabella joined her, with a wine bottle in her hand, and tried to comfort her.  Not being a particularly affectionate woman, it was difficult for her to put her hand on the child's shoulder, but she did so anyway.  It felt foreign, not being a mother, or even much of an aunt for that matter, but she did what she thought Alison would do.

Diana sensed it, and although her touch was cold, she was comforted by the fact that her aunt tried.  The green light above her almost flickered, sputtering little sparks when a fly or a bee came to close.  It made her face look paler, and her eyes darker.  Her face looked sallow, and it reminded Arabella of a different sort of witch, also wickedly misunderstood.  Diana leaned against the porch, and sat on the banister, slightly swinging her right leg.

 "After Mama and Daddy died I….um……had this boyfriend." She said, and Arabella began to listen.  "I was supposed to marry him, but I didn't.  He gave me this, and I pledged to the Dark Lord to make him happy.  I thought he loved me, or more importantly that I loved him.  I never wanted it, well, maybe I did.  I was quite good, you know, when I liked that sort of thing."

"What things?" Arabella said, putting one hand on her hip.

"Evil things." Diana said, regretting every word.

"Like? Torturing animals?" she meant this as a joke, one that didn't go over very well.

Diana grabbed the wine bottle that was in her aunt's free hand.  She popped the cork and drank from the spout.  "No." she chuckled.  "Just people."

"Are you havering?" She said, wiping the sweat off her brow.  It was quite muggy that night.

"No, I simply wanted to make perfect people feel as badly as I felt on the inside, on the outside.  It was therapy.  So what if it was slightly out of my jurisdiction at the time."

"You don't punish innocents because you are an orphan." She hissed. "Not to mention it is just morally wrong."

"Oh, right, wrong, pish tosh." She said.  "And thanks for looking out for me by the way.  It was a real help." She said, sarcastically.  "Mama would have appreciated it."

"Don't pin this on me.  It was Angie who lived close to you.  I was the estranged sister.  She was closer to your Mum anyway." She said.  "We chose our own paths in this life."

"What are you talking about?" Diana said, putting the bottle down.  "Mum only has one sister, unless you have another personality we don't know about yet."  She took another swig of the bottle.

"Is that what your Mum told you? Oh, well, strange." She said, taking the bottle away from her.  "If she didn't tell you—"

"You just told me." Diana said, raising her voice.  "I remember no Angelica Renton living by me at all, or Figg rather."

"Well that's probably because she used her married name, silly." Arabella said, suddenly intrigued by the girl's indifference to her own family.  Diana looked stunned, running a list of names in her head.  "Actually, come to think of it, she was a first lady of sorts, wasn't she?" she said, pondering out loud.

"First lady?" Diana said, more confused than before.  Then she thought, and thought, until her head felt numb and she could think no more.  There were no first ladies in Britain, she thought.  She ran the list of Minister's of Magic.  She couldn't remember all of it.  There was Bagnold, who was now, but it had been Bagnold for years.  Before that came—" Oh my God." She said, aloud.  "Oh, piss off!" she said, chucking her cigarette.

"Oh, did you guess it dear? I'm surprised she never told you.  Got the wrong end of the stick on that one, did you? Or, maybe she was going to but then she and her adorable husband were killed in that unfortunate accident, when the Ministry had to be rebuilt.  Orphaned a son.  What was his name?"

Diana chuckled.  She wasn't sure if it was from amusement or budding insanity.  "James." Diana said, shaking her head.  "No bloody fucking way."  She said, half chuckling.  "I refuse to believe that to be true."

"What, that Angelica Potter was your aunt, oh, and godmother too, come to think of it." Diana laughed again.  "Yes, once upon a time she was Angie Figg, long, long ago.  Then she got knocked up and became a Potter.  Father was pleased, but Mother, not so much.  She wanted Angie to marry a Black.  Unfortunately a woman named, oh, what was it, I'm getting so old.  Azura, yes that's it.  Well, she got to the first-born son first.  She was mine and your mother's second cousin once removed, or something like that.  She had a few brats, sons I believe.  The oldest should be about your age."

"Mm." Diana said, cringing.  "Of course." A Black my age, I wonder, she thought.

"Anyway, since Angie got pregnant so young, she was still at Hogwarts mind you, she was cast aside.  And being the baby she didn't much matter.  Alison, your Mum decided she hated the family, and pureblood choices were so limited, that she ventured elsewhere, to Muggles.  And you think me being a squib was bad.  Oh no.  Naturally grandma Lestrange was furious—"

"Stop.  Grandma Lestrange?" Diana said.  Oh please no, Diana thought.

"Yes.  My mother's maiden name was Lestrange.  As I was saying—"

"No, wait.  I thought you were Figgs."

"We are dear, on our father's side." Arabella said.  She seemed fonder of talking of her family than Diana's condition.  Diana began to grow weaker.

"I think I'm going to vomit." Diana said, putting her hand to her mouth, thinking for a moment she was part Lestrange.  The room began to spin a little.  "But, go on."

"Well, my grandmother voted that she be cast aside as well, and my mother half agreed with her.  My father, your grandfather, Alcander, thought it was a lovely pair.  Always was for the muggle rights, my father.  So, naturally she married your sweet father, a muggle, and a lawyer, mind you, and was shunned as well.  My father was heartbroken.  And, after that I left, wanting no part of my family either and moved out here.  It was already common knowledge that I was useless, being a squib, so I left.  My mother pretended she didn't have daughters after that, and my father ended his own, miserable life the year you were born."  She said, as calmly as if she had told the story hundreds of times.  "Care for some tea, love?"

"Um. Yea.  If you've got." Diana said, almost in a daze.  She followed Arabella back into the house, and walked back into the kitchen.  "Wow.  And I thought my life was a nightmare."

"Oh, it was.  But mine is over, and my sisters are dead." She said, digging into the forgotten pot for her stirrer.  Whatever was cooking had been burned to a crisp.  "Your life has barely begun.  Look at all you have left to accomplish." She said, shutting the burner and making that cup of tea for her.

"I think I remember Angie.  She was very kind to me once." Diana said, thinking deeply of a time she and Lily had come to stay at the Potter Estate, over a meaningless spring break.  That very break she received her mark of torment.  If only she had stayed with Lily.  But she hadn't.

"Do you ever see the Potter boy? Wasn't he a friend of yours?" Arabella asked.

"Yes.  He married my best friend, Lily."

"Oh, how sweet." She said, putting a teakettle on the stove.  She removed the pot and banged it carelessly on the counter.

"Not really.  They don't think so." She ran her fingers through her untidy, ebony hair.

"Problems?  Well, life's not perfect." She said.

"Just a Cabaret. " She laughed.  "No.  They had stupid problems.  I wish infidelity was mine."

"You do not." She said.  "Infidelity is terrible."

"No, I know.  But I have committed it, and so has he, and it's not in our way." She said.  "There are worse things than sex."

"Well you have already taken care of murder and probably a number of immeasurable corrupt things.  But, like what, for conversation's sake?"

"Sex is an animalistic act.  It doesn't take a particular genius to perform it, or even be good at it.  What I mean is that I never betrayed my husband in my heart.  I may be soulless but I have a heart.  Never have I denied him." She shrugged.  "But who knows if he has denied me, by now anyway."

"Evil ways have then corrupted you both." She said, taking out two small teacups.  "What was his name, anyway?"

"Sirius." Diana said, unsurely.

"What was his family? Pure?" she said, placing the tea in front of Diana.

"The purest." She said, with pompous intent.  Arabella looked at her with an eyebrow raised.  "He was a Black."

Arabella smirked and then shook her head, as if it were expected.  "Of course he was." She said, kissing Diana on the forehead.

(Ok, before we discuss the lack of actual plot in this chapter I must tell you it was necessary.  There are many, many unanswered questions, which in the following chapters will be answered.  Also, other plot points will be explained.  They are:

1) Why does James know where Diana is? (From this chapter you should have part of the answer.  Yes, he always knew. But it will not be discussed now.  No, Lily doesn't know.)

2) Why does James not want to go there?

3) Nicole's past.  (Yes, she's got one.)

4) Lily and Petunia. (Oh, just wait….)

5) Why does Dumbledore know where Diana is?

6) When are these children going to be conceived?

7) More Lucius and Narcissa.

8) More Remus and Nicole. (I swear, I need a book for each of them)

9) Animigi transformations and why they must be used.

10) Lily and James and actual love, and of course, Paris.

11) That Ministry Party thing.

12) Snape and Lily drama.

13) More Death Eaters, captures, and a duel or two.

14) New characters (to this story anyway): Andromeda, Regulus, and Mrs. Black.

15) The concept of Occlumency, and who needs it. (Obvious, I think)

16) More Order of the Phoenix stuff.

--It is up to you people what I write next. Tell me the number, and I'll do it, if it sounds right.  I write what I want, which means I have to agree, so it's really more of an opinion.  All will happen though, just the order in uncertain.  Or is it?

(Have a pleasant day! I'll update by Christmas! Lots of love! If you have any questions, ask me, either in a review or email.  Happy Holidays!)


	24. Paris' Philosophy

Disclaimer: previous chaps.  I chose the name of the _Philosophy Club_, mentioned later on, from Gregory Maguire's _Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West_, my new favourite book.  And the play kicks ass too, that's where the quote's from.  I don't own the name of it, but I changed around what it actually was.  It was by no means a billiard hall, again, you will read later.  By the way, all of you should read _Wicked_.  It is the ultimate fanfiction, and he writes so beautifully.  You don't have to be an OZ obsessor to enjoy it.  That is all :)

This chap is more of an intro to the real one, because I had no free time for a month.  Sorry for the wait. I do care about all of you, and thanks for the numbers.  We'll just have to see what happens.

~*~*~*~

_ "Was I really seeking good, or just seeking attention?"—_Wicked Witch of the West_, Wicked_****

Two people sat on a train.  Passers by would have merely thought they had been placed there by chance, but the contrary was true.  Each sat in silence, glancing out the window.  Eyes never catching, or even wanting to.  Fidgety movements, uncomfortable silence, and second guessing one's worth, one's choices, on those stiff uncomfortable seats that joined and separated the two at the same time.  They were soul mates simply because they shared the same misfortune, each other, and another that was gone, past, and unforgivably loved.  

He flipped quietly the pages of the Daily Prophet, searching for something, though he didn't know what.  A clue maybe, or a hint, but no.  He was not in the paper that day.  Business was what drew him, and she was dragged simply for ornamentation.  He had made another donation, to gain power and respect over the foreign schools, Beauxbatons particularly.  He was to meet with the Head of the school, Laundrette Maxime, to celebrate the opening of a new wing, which his contribution made possible.  

She looked sick, he thought, one of the few times he chose to look at her.  It would have been better if she at least looked her part, under the circumstances.  She could at least act like a wife, he thought.  

She refused to utter a word to him.  She swore she never would again.  He is such an animal, she thought.  She still didn't know how she got landed with the worst-case scenario that was her very existence.  She could have married anyone else.  She _should_ have married anyone else, but she didn't.  And now she could never leave him, for he was a part of her, and would be forever.  It was no longer just her life in question anymore, and when she thought about it she felt a stirring inside of her.  

He didn't mind too much; accept it got boring after a while, for she also refused to come near him.  She would not let him touch her.  He didn't much care.  He could get pleasure elsewhere if he so desired.  Actually, he planned on it, as soon as they arrived.  He would place her in a hotel of sorts.  It would be fancy and overpriced; where she could get anything she wanted and not care at all about where he was.  Not that she wondered much.

He threw the paper to his side.  She noticed, and reached her hand in front of her, motioning her fingers back, requesting the paper.  He gave it to her.  She nodded a thank you.  Sighing, she scanned it. She became fed up quickly, seeing nothing of interest.  It was always the same.  The propaganda of the press was so provincial these days, and yet so funny, for she had one of the elite in front of her, fearing nothing, and loving the past, that which was dead, but she could not argue with that.  

"Comical, isn't it?" he said, almost reading her mind.

She looked at him as if she didn't understand.  He pointed to the newspaper.  "It makes me sick," she said.

"You look sick." He replied, looking at the landscape.

She felt it too.  Nausea.  But it was not indigestion.  She felt it.  She was gaining wait, and it was not becoming.  She felt her body heat rising.  "I don't want to go." She finally said.

"Business," was all he said.  He began to twist his wedding ring around, simply for the fact that his finger had become too comfortable with it.  "I thought we weren't speaking."

"I wasn't talking to _you_," she spat.

"Oh?  Well isn't that lovely," he said, looking at his watch, wondering how much longer he would have to endure this.  "Honestly, I said I was sorry."

"You didn't mean it," she said.

"Do you mean everything _you_ say?"

"Yes," she said.  "And I meant it when I said I despised you."

"You know, Narcissa, do we really have to go through this again for the millionth time this month?  My patience is thin." He said, getting the beginning of a tension headache.  "Now cut it out or I'll-"

"Or you'll what, rape me again?" she said, loud enough for people to start turning their heads in other compartments.

"One never can tell.  You know, you used to like it rough, Cissa." He said, attempting to massage it out.  "Now you are such a drama queen," he whined.

"You're a beast," she said, disgusted.  "And I was a stupid child.  It's not like you made love to me.  You just fucked me is all, like you fuck your other conquests or whatever you call them."

"At least I'm not chasing a childhood fantasy like a stupid little girl."

"Yes you are.  You just don't realize it yet," she said, starting to crumple up sections of the paper, making a violent ripping sound that set off something in both their brains.  "You contradict yourself."

"Stop it, Cissa," he said, grinding his teeth.  "You are so badgering.  You love upsetting me."

"Well you love hurting me, so I suppose in that respect we're even," she said.  She tied her hair back in a black ribbon.  "Why do you love hurting me? Makes you feel like more of a man than a coward, eh?"

He ignored her.

"To each his own, I guess," she said, shrugging.  She crossed her legs, and when she did a bit of her thigh was revealed.  "I sometimes wonder why out of all the hopeless women in the world you chose me."

"Well, Narcissa, you were the easiest one to manipulate.  Now shut the bloody hell up before I _Crucio_ you into silence," he said, not listening, never listening.

She continued to rip the paper, only to see the vain in his temple throb.  He wouldn't dare try anything in a public place, and he refused.  Some things were left to the comfort of one's own home.  Narcissa began to rub her belly, although there was no difference yet.  There would be soon, in a month or so.  Then she looked at him, with fire in her eyes, as if she were wilfully conjuring the spawn of Satan.  He looked at her for the final time during that train ride, long enough to hear her say in the faintest of whispers, "You have poisoned me."

~*~

Lily and James sat next to each other in the compartment at the farthest end of the train.  It was the quietest, and had the best view.  Frank and Alice's rehearsal lunch had been on a Tuesday, and that day was Friday.  James' boyish charm and hopelessly adorable way of getting what he wanted swayed her to the point where she could not say no.  When things were this good she could never say no.

Lily fell asleep briefly, loosing herself in the greenery of her country, meshing with the clouds until it became one giant blur.  It was a dream.  She had thoughts of love and children, Christmas parties and barbecues, smiles and laughter, kisses and caresses.  She was in a state of euphoria from her visions.  Everyone was there, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, with coloured lights and birthday cakes.  And children, there would be children.  

"Lily? Ahem, Lily?" she heard and straitened up.  It was then she realized that she was not asleep at all, but in a sort of trance.  For the first time in a daydream she was looking at her desolate world with rose coloured glasses.

"You know, James.  This was a good idea.  I need to get away from Britain for a while.  It rains too much there anyway," she said, smiling uncontrollably.  

"Where were you just now, love?" he asked, cleaning his glasses on his wine coloured shirt.  "And I hardly think the weather had anything to do with your decision," he said, leaning forward and rubbing her knee.

"You can be really boring sometimes, James," she said.  "I think you're trying too hard." Then she started giggling when his expression turned to total offence.  "Oh, babe," she said, leaning over and touching his cheek.  "You are so adorable."

He smiled at her.  "Thank you," he said.

"What shall we do, dear, when we get there? I can't believe you talked me into it."

"Get a hotel, eat some overpriced French cuisine, and walk around for a bit.  How does that sound?"

"For the first day, not so bad," she said.  "What about after?" she asked.  Then she gasped.  "Can we go dancing?" she said, excitedly.

"Uh, Lil—"

"Oh, love, I know you hate it, but—oh please, darling? For me?" she said, her eyes glowing with anticipation.

"We'll see, Lily," he said.

"Oh, sweetheart, let's be children again," she said, clasping her hand together.  "Just like old times.  My mood has been elevated like you've no idea," she said.  "I just want to be silly and young, and not worry about a thing.  Won't that just be wonderful, my love?"

"We are young," he said, smiling at her cuteness.

"Oh, well not really," she sighed.  "People in their fifties have gone through less.  But yes, I suppose you are right to a degree.  I would be lying if I said I couldn't be happier, but right now I just see you, and that's enough."

"Did you take anything before we left?" he asked.  "And what do you mean by you _could be happier_?"

"No, dear.  Listen.  Happy is what happens when all of your dreams in life come true.  Well, they haven't.  Let's be realistic.  Right now, you couldn't look handsomer.  I couldn't feel calmer, but we have crossed bridges that cannot be revisited.  Every day there is more wicked.  Every day, more terror grows.  There are so many calumnies and lies.  But this fairy tale plot can be put on hold.  I don't want to be a witch this week, please, honey," she said.

"Getting your dreams is a little bit complicated for you, isn't it dear?" he asked.  "But if things weren't as you thought they'd be, let me tell you that I couldn't be happier with you, right now, on this train away from all that."

"There is a cost, and a couple of things get lost in all the fire.  And that joy, that thrill, doesn't thrill like you think it will sometimes, and that's when reality sets back in.  Maybe that's why the word fiancée is much more beautiful than husband.  There is hope in it.  But I'm glad you're happy.  That is all I really wanted," she said, looking out the window once more.  Then she turned to him, laughing and said, "Alright, let's go to the bar car," she said.

~*~

Remus and Nicole spent yet another day in their large estate in Ottery St. Catchpole.  She apparated back and forth between the Daily Prophet and their library.  Remus never asked her what she was doing, simply because he was ridiculously busy doing something else.  Molly, his business partner, was too busy conceiving children and raising the others to participate, so his part was all on his shoulders.  He kept falling behind do to his transformations.

He constantly watched her, as he often did, but lately she had been acting more serious, more into her work than usual.   Nicole was a serious writer, so he simply assumed she had finally found something worth writing about.  Her last article about why Muggle borns should be treated like first class citizens, was not widely respected, mostly considering they denied any reason why they would not be.  

Nicole flipped the pages fervently, skimming and reading paragraphs of importance.  She had stolen, no, borrowed this book from Sirius during one of his '_I'm so alone'_ moments.  It was open on his bedroom floor.  It was a book about becoming an Animigas.  He had stolen it years ago, before any of them knew what they were getting themselves into when they decided to become friends with Remus.  He had no idea.  She figured she would surprise him with it, not while he was transformed, of course.  That would just be cruel.  She was reading, presently, a paragraph about the initial side effects of transforming.  She wasn't sure what animal she would be.  It was all dependant on her personality, so she read.  

"Hon?" she asked.

"Yea, babe?" he answered, closing a book and tossing it aside with the other ones.  Most of what he decided to read had to do with psychology, and why one would want to convert to the Dark Side.  He was a researcher, after all, and found the subject fascinating.  He had just finished the chapter on the Sanguine temperament, the one preoccupied with change and immediate pleasure. 

"Does it hurt?"

"Does what hurt?" he wondered, scanning the spines that described early child development, mainly, the Freudian concepts.  

"When you, you know, transform and everything? Do you feel pain?" she asked, with a girlish ignorance that suggested she had ulterior motives.  

"Um," he said, not knowing how to answer such a random question.  "Yes, actually," he said, and then he saw fear and pity in her facial expression.  "Oh, it's not physical," he said, but it didn't matter.

"Oh," she replied.  "I was just wondering."  She closed the book lightly and wandered over to his side of the room.  She read the margins with care, and changed the subject.  "I don't have a temperament," she sighed.

"Yes you do, dear."

"No," she said.  "I'm too boring."

"I don't think you're boring," he said.  "And if you are, then I love a boring, but gorgeous woman."

"I wasn't always boring," she said, not really listening.  "I was interesting once." He looked up at her and raised his eyebrow in confusion.  "Do you remember how _interesting_ I was?" she said, coming between him and his books.

"Briefly," he said.  "I like you better now," he said, shooing her to the side.

"Why?" she said, annoyed.

"You had too many scars.  I don't like complicated women," he said, yawning.  

"Don't like complicated women?" she said, shrilly.

"I told you, you were too scarred.  Come on, darling.  We'd forgotten all that nonsense."

"It is our scars that remind us that the past was real, Remus," she said.  "You of all people should know the past.  Everyone else seems keen on forgetting it."

"No.  I don't _dwell_ on it," he said, getting considerably irritated for the first time in a while.  "That's what makes you…… melancholic." 

"Oh, pick a better one that that.  I am not melancholic," she protested.  "Phlegmatic, if anything."

"There, you answered your own question.  Now leave me to my work, and you to your silly articles."

"Why, I've never heard you so rude—"

"Nicky, dear.  Not now," he pleaded.  "I adore you, then, now, forever, whatever, but please, I _need_ to work now."

"Fine, my love," she said.  Then she softened.  "I'm sorry.  You're right."

"It's alright."

"I'll leave you, but kiss me first," she said, putting her hand over the book.

He looked up at her, smiling.  He rolled his eyes.  Then he slid out of his chair and kissed her so hard that she fell backward onto his precious papers.  When he pulled away she was panting.  "There.  Now let me work."

"Thank you," she said, surprised but satisfied.  There was time for more, but after dinner.

~*~

On a particularly dreary day in Paris, Diana walked hastily down the street.  Having newly recognized that James, her long-time friend, part time enemy, and all around pain in her ass, was actually connected to the bloodline she hated so much.  Their mothers were sisters, and their fathers were friends.  Were they?  Had she remembered that? How odd, she thought, smoking her cigarette and breaking a light sweat from the harsh heat.

Turning down a side street she lightened her step and walked more casually towards her destination.  In a barely inhabited area she came across a building with its marquee scratched out from age and acts of vandalism.  It still read though, with a sort of sinister mystery: _The Philosophy Club_.  The door was unlocked but she tested it anyway.  Walking in slowly, with her dark green skirt and opened black blouse, she addressed the bartender.

It was a billiard hall, or at least tried to be on the surface.  There were many people, older men and unfaithful couples, looking for a hidden meeting place to further taint their unknown homely relationships.  People stopped briefly to look at her, some gawked and others glanced.  Resuming their positions at the tables and dartboards, while moving out of her way, the hush chatter continued.

Oh the memory of this place, she thought, and shuddered.  As she briefly looked around she wondered if it was the same place she had remembered.  Were there still the hidden back rooms for which the place was named?  Did it still have its secrets, and meetings for which she was part, regrettably?  The fornicating masks, the shadows, slinking, devouring; women, men, with their sexual tastes and impure fetishes, carrying on after hours.  And she watched, sometimes drugged, sometimes not.  Young and inexperienced as she was, she followed, and learned things she'd rather forget.  But, as part of her curse, she never would.  Her partners, slaves to their own depraved desires, and Lucius did nothing to prevent it.  No, she thought.  He did nothing.

"The key, please," she said, more forcefully than she had intended, as she kicked a barstool out of her way.

"_Pardon_?" he answered, cigar fuming.  He began to clean the glasses with a cloth, while his eyes roamed her figure.  It was a dim place, and could not make her out properly.  

"_La clef,_" she said, rudely.  "Cut it out, Maurice. I am in no mood for this.  I know you understand me."

He blew the smoke away from his face to get a clearer look at her.  "By God," he started, and chuckled at her.  "Mrs. Malfoy, _la_ _femme fatale_.  _Comment __ça __va?_"

"No," she quickly corrected.  "I am not she." 

"What do you mean? I thought it was a _fait accompli_," he said laughing.

"No," she said again.  "It was never done.  Give it to me." She held out her hand.

"So rude, and never to say hello again.  Did the _joie de vivre_ not last?" He leaned against the counter, as if ready for a chat.

"Don't be coy.  I asked nicely."

"Why do you need it?" he asked, putting out his cigar.  "You know it's confidential."

"Because I just do," she said, raising her voice.  "Stop playing games with me."

"I thought you liked games," he said with a devilish smile.  "Not even two words of hello.  Not with such an attitude, _non_—"

"How's _Avada Kedavra_ for two words?" she hissed, pointing at her wand, which was in the purse.

He slinked back from the bar.  He reached down under the bar and pulled out a key with a tiny emerald key chain attached to it.  She put it in her pocket and nodded a respectable thank you.  

"Are you expected?" he asked, in confidence. 

"Am I ever?" she responded, and left him.

He continued to clean the glasses as she casually walked to the back of the hall.

"_Il est dommage_," he sighed, and lit a cigarette.

"Yes, _too bad_ indeed," said a person sitting at the barstool.  "Is she one of the professionals?  How much for her?"  

"She's not for sale," he said, rudely.  

"Bah.  I bet I could get her to do me a few favours.  She has a certain _savoir faire_."  

Maurice said nothing, only refilled his drink.

Diana walked to the back, past the restrooms and down a long corridor that was closed off.  There was a door at the very end of it and, conveniently, the key fit it, as it should.  She didn't know what she was expected to see, or why she had come in the first place? For answers, for questions, or just to take a few lives?  By now it didn't matter.  It was no turning back.  She took two deep breaths and opened the door.

~*~(Be prepared for serious character development) ****

Lucius and Narcissa got off the train without a word and gathered their limited luggage.  Narcissa felt a slight pain in her abdomen as she carried hers, while Lucius carried the rest.  When they arrived at a hotel, Narcissa immediately unpacked while Lucius went to the nearest bar.  

She was left in her solitude, to her thoughts, not like she had any real ones.  Narcissa was a terribly misunderstood young woman.  She was left to spend her days as an unwanted attachment to her monster of a husband, unloved, and unwanted.  She thought about those few months when she was truly happy.  She would wake up next to James and he would hold her.  She would plan their future, after he had left Lily, of course.  She felt no guilt, no regret when she was with him.  Mondays and Fridays they met initially, and then, when things were rough, when Lucius was rough, she would call on him every day.  And he always came.  He was adorable with things like that, she thought.  She had become increasingly upset when she thought of these things, which was quite often.  She gripped her stomach and thought of doing awful things to herself to make the nausea go away.  Maybe I could throw my body down a flight of stairs, or slit my wrists, or abort this hateful spawn, she thought, with such malice that her face grew crimson.  She threw herself down on her bed and wept like an orphaned child for the life she'd never have.  

True, she was no Death Eater.  She was an honest woman who had absolutely no political values to speak of.  She wanted attention.  She wanted to be loved, like every other normal woman.  She didn't care about values.  She wanted to be made love to and adored.  But Lucius fulfilled neither.  So be it, she thought.  Let the Dark Lord overtake the Wizarding World.  She had nothing to live for, after all.  But the child, she then thought, and cursed herself for having one shred of maternal instinct.  She couldn't bring herself to destroy it.  She couldn't drink away her troubles, because of the life inside her.  If mine is lost, this shall not be, she thought.  If only to torture him, this child _will_ exist.  I will raise it, she thought.  Not he! Not ever!  I'll die before he corrupts her, or him.  I'll protect it, but not because I love it, but because he will despise it, because it wasn't born dark and lovely like his previous _mistake_.  She grew angry and vengeful at her husband, for always loving something she considered inferior.

She then got up, wiping the tears from her face.  No, she thought.  His precious little half-blooded cunt will not pollute his family, like he, ironically wanted.  It will turn out exactly like me, and he will never destroy me!  I am Narcissa Black, wife of Lucius Malfoy, lover of James Potter, and mother of a sainted fiend.  I may not be loved but I will not be ignored, she thought, running cold water over her face to make it white again.  Then she began to pant, and grow upset again.  Oh, why didn't she just stay with Sirius and Andromeda against them all?  Why didn't she defy Bellatrix and earn some grandeur on her own? She didn't care about her family, or purity or any of that, so why didn't she just leave, and maybe she could have had the slightest chance to be happy.

Narcissa was not a clever woman.  She took what she could and kept her mouth shut, but that was done.  She felt a little affection for Lucius at that moment, when she moved towards her balcony and burst the doors open.  He had made her realize this.  She couldn't pine forever.  She knew that.  James would never love her, Lucius would never love her, she realized finally.  Lily didn't know, or did she?  None of it mattered.  _Narcissa the Good_ was never in her foreseeable future.  She may have been honest, but no saviour would ever declare her good.  As the wind blew she felt an itch below her nose, and scrunched it up so it pointed towards the sky.  She opened her arms, as if to fly, or to jump even, and she screamed her last shred of decency that was left within her.  So now was she more like Andromeda or Bellatrix? She was in incredible pain, but now realized, Narcissa fucking Malfoy can cause pain too, no matter how truly fragile.  The one question that remained in her mind was simply this: should I cause pain to he that is my husband, to myself? After all, self-loathing seems to be in vogue these days, but then again, so is emotional torture.

It had come to Lucius' attention that his wife by no means wanted children, and he was perfectly content with that.  It gave him a freedom that he couldn't have with a child, and Narcissa could be easily distracted long enough for him to do what he pleased.  Lucius was not what any self-respecting wife would call a faithful husband, but he knew where his loyalties were, and it didn't lie with a snobbish brat-like wife with manic depression.  Let her think privilege gives her a reason to be faithless.  Let her think she can overpower me, he thought.

His itinerary was blank for the afternoon, and he wondered what he could possibly do in such a city.  He had been there before, and thought of what he did then.  Then he had, what he considered, a brilliant idea.  Perhaps a trip to the old Philosophy Club, he thought.  He'd have to make some calls, to friends still living in the area.  Yes, it would be could to see the old foreign crowd again.  At that, it was settled.  And, he had a great thirst for dark haired French whores, and he could get that out of the way there too.  Two birds with one stone, he thought, and was all the happier for it.

He passed a fruit stand and decided he was hungry.  There was a little old Parisian woman in his way, and he grew impatient quickly.  He picked up an apple and waited behind the woman while she was paying, tapping his feet obnoxiously.  The woman turned, but didn't hurry.  She took her groceries under her arm and pushed the younger man out of the way. 

"Pardon me." Lucius said, rudely, and the woman turned again.  "Rude, inconsiderate old bat," he muttered under his breath.

The audacity, she thought, hearing it, but she only found it amusing.  She found Lucius attractive, but he seemed too in love with himself to think about a second time.  When she heard her name being called, she turned.

The vender had pointed out that she had forgotten a package, and held it in the air.  She nodded and went back, retrieving it.

"Here you go, _Madame Renton_," the vender said, smiling at her.  Then she noticed, if it were possible, the young man's face turn deathly pale.

~*~

Lily and James, in their rediscovered euphoria, linked arms all the way to their hotel, conveniently the same exact one as the Malfoys.  They had a three-room suite on the twelfth floor.  Lily gasped as she entered, and gripped James' arm tighter.

The rooms were soft, matching colours and the furniture was elegant with a colonial flare.  The mahogany bed took up the centre while an open balcony showed them the complete view of Paris.

"Oh, James, it's just like the view from your old house, except, well, real," Lily said.

"Yes, it sort of is, except the _la tour_ is a bit farther away."

"_Oui. Tres bien_!  Oh, listen to me, feeling so French already," she said, clasping her hands in excitement.  "I don't think I've ever been this excited without it being genuine.  How odd.  I am genuinely happy."

"I'm happy too," he said, calmly.

She rushed to the next room and ran into the bathroom, complete with his and her sinks with marble countertops and tile floors.

"Holy shit!" she screamed.  "Its beautiful," she said, on the verge of tears.

"It's a bathroom," he said.  "We've got those in England."

"Diana would go nutters if she knew where I was!  _'Gone to Paris and didn't tell me,'_ she would say," Lily said, mocking Diana's irreversible attitude.  She added a bit more accent and nasally annoyed tones as she said it, laughing immediately after.

"Careful," James said, shaking a mocking finger at him.

"I don't care, it's not like she's here.  Hopefully she's gone and married some other poor fool with loads of money and a huge package to satisfy her needs—"

"Lily!  My god woman, please, desist.  Your happiness is making you horribly crude!"

"I'm sorry, my heart.  So, tell me.  How did you book it, on such short notice?" she asked.

"Let's just say they know me here," he said, tossing their luggage onto the king sized bed.

"Alright then," she said, giggling.  Then she ran back into the bedroom.  She hopped onto the bed and jumped on it, landing on her knees.  "This is so comfortable.  Feel this," she said, feeling the covers.

"Later," he said.  "Let's eat."

"Ok.  Where?" she asked.  "I have to shower, and get changed, and oh!  You promised dancing."

"Oh no.  I said, we'll see," he said, unzipping his suitcase.  

"That means yes," she said.  

"No it doesn't."

"Oh, and owl the Portman/Lupin household, would you? Tell them we're here, and to forward any mail by Dumbledore or whomever to the hotel.  I don't want to miss anything."

"Not to worry, Lily.  Everything regarding Dumbledore is secure.  He won't bother us."

"What makes you so sure?" she said, lying down on their bed, which was hardly broken in by the previous occupants.

"Well," he said, sitting beside her.  "I'm not.  Now get ready, I've already made reservations at the restaurant across the street."

"You're so clever that way," she said, half sarcastic.  She rolled over on her stomach.  "I'm a bit tired though.  How 'bout a nap?" she said, yawning.

"No napping, tigress," he said, slapping her ass hard.  She squealed.  "Up.  Now."

"Ooh," she said, practically falling over.  "You never do that anymore.  You keep that up and we will never leave this room," she said, stretching catlike on the covers.

"Oh we will.  We've still got some sites to see.  Remember your Eiffel Tower idea?" he said, whereupon she fell off the bed completely.

(Next chap should be up in a few days, I promise! I needed to break it up, you know, rising action climax thing.  Just bare with me, school starts again.  You know the deal, lots to do.  Love you all!


	25. What hapiness was

Disclaimer: you know the deal.

Author's note" sorry, this is a Sirius/Diana chapter.  I can't seem to write enough of it, and I have writer's block on the L/J end, but I will pick it up soon.  Same on the N/R stuff.  Sit tight, sorry for the long waits.  TTWNS will be updated soon, and don't hate me for it.  I didn't forget, again, writer's block.  I have lots of stress, and am feeling morbid, so it gets reflected in the writing.  Sorry.  But read if you wish, I'll try.  Next chap will be very violent, sexual, and terribly sad.  Deal, I have to.  I apologize for the attitude.  Have a wonderful day, month, whatever.

~*~*~*~

_"No good deed goes unpunished.  All helpful urges should be circumvented.  Sure, I meant well, but look at what well meant did. —"Wicked_

The second Diana turned the key to that hidden door her blood ran cold, and her breathing ceased completely.  She opened it, rather quickly, as if what was on the other end might as well come, and it did, with a shout of surprise and irritation.  Her face was flooded with smoke, and a strange but not unfamiliar aroma filled her nostrils and made her eyes tear.  She coughed and wiped what vapours she could out of her field of vision. 

"Ugh, for fuck's sake," she said, coughing louder.  The smoke went deep into her lungs, and she wheezed out of impatience.

There was people sprawled about, passed out, intoxicated, dead, she didn't know.  Bodies littered the floor in uneven patterns and she struggled to step over them.  In the very centre there were three people, with too much fabric over their heads to differentiate their sexes.  They were passing around a pipe of sorts, not noticing her or anything but their steadfast breathing, essential for the drug to work well.  

Though it happened to be the late 1970's, this place was not archaic in its methods.  It had been flourishing since before the Depression, but now it was considered stylish to indulge in such things.  Sins of the flesh and bodily harm seemed the one thing people could do to forget their troubles.  Therapy was hardly an option yet.

She noticed another door, about fifteen away from her spot, and she longed to get there without interrupting, or worse, being noticed.  She groaned and cringed inside, for it meant stepping over more people, some fully clothed, others not.  Their track marks formed a twisted connect the dots on their bodies, and from her point of view they were perceived as sinful constellations, marks of pain, tattoos of remembrance, for a high that will never be fulfilled as sublimely as the last.

She whimpered when she was finally a few feet from the door.  Flies had surrounded a particularly vile looking man, whose age was unidentifiable, except for the fact that he had a full head of brown hair, untainted by grey.  It was his only mark of youth.  She reached for the doorknob with her lip bitten, and almost bleeding from her desire to leave that dreadful room.  The smoke of the Opium had become lodged in her hair and clothes.   _Grandmère will kill me,_ she childishly concurred. 

She almost tripped over that man when a bony and bruised hand shot up from the floor and blocked the door.  Then she made out a shoulder, and then elbows as the thing propped itself up.  She tried to step back but to no avail.  Then it sat up and leaned against the door, blocking her way.

"Uh, uh, uh," it said, shaking its finger at her.  Then she heard it click its tongue.  "Not allowed."  She detected a Liverpool accent, and realized that she had seen this person before.  Was it a man, or a woman? The voice was so familiar.  "Pretty, pretty, pretty mustn't go snooping where she mustn't," it said.

Then she realized, to hell with this, she could just kick it aside, but when she became close enough the thing shouted her name.

"Bella, don't!" it said, in an accent entirely different.  She shot back with surprise.  It started panting heavily.

She crouched down lower to get a better look.  Through all the smoke she had not been able to make out anything really.  She waved her hand and realized the features were fuller, and it turned out he was quite young.  Then with a gasp she realized.

"Karkaroff," she whispered, putting her hand over her mouth.

"Bella," he said again.

"No, I am not Bellatrix," she said, leaning her hand out to him.  

"I didn't say you were.  What do you want here?" he asked, trying desperately to straiten up.

Confused beyond repair at this so sudden business, she composed her thoughts and remembered her speech.  Was this real? It was, wasn't it, she thought?  If it were not, then it was a very cruel trick, indeed.  She had to admit it would be incredibly clever.  She turned upon the young man once more, in anger and conjecture, wondering why she dared come here in the first place.

"Why did you change your voice?" she said, almost out of concern.  He shrugged.

"It scares off the snooping rats."  He still insisted on leaning against the door.  It was too odd, her showing up, he thought.  

" Well, are you going to let me in?" she whispered.  "I—I can't stay out here."

"Are you expected?"

"Why do you all ask me that?" she said, whispering in a whine.

"He won't want to see you," he warned.

"Well, I don't feel too keen on seeing him either, so in that respect, my timing is perfect."  She didn't know whom he meant, but if it was whom she thought then a death curse waited for her on the other side of that room.

"What do you possibly think will be benefited from this?" he said, nearing to the doorknob every second, as if wanting to lock it shut.

"I don't know.  Maybe salvation, maybe vengeance, I haven't decided yet," she sighed.

"It's not a good idea," he said.

"I'm passed 'good ideas' at this point, Igor.  Stand aside."

~*~

Lucius' face lost all of its blood.  A Renton, here in Paris, he thought.  How—what—who was she?  "Madame," he called, and she turned around, quite taken aback.  

Isabel Renton, no matter how aged, noticed him looking at her, and knew there was nothing sexual about it.  She was old enough to be his—his—oh, never mind, she thought.  She didn't answer him, but only raised an eyebrow, like Diana would have done.  Where _is_ that girl, she suddenly reflected?

_"Is your name Renton?"_ he asked, in French, paying for his apple.  _"Do you, by any chance, have a granddaughter or anything? One who came here recently?"_

She nodded.  Then a thought struck her, and she became almost giddy.  She smiled at Lucius as if she were his mother.  Her intellect was not as sharp, and she mistook him for another.  Putting her hand over her mouth she inched closer and looked into his eyes.

_"Oh, why—oh—"_ she mumbled.  _"So, you are my Diana's great love,"_ she said, putting her wrinkled hand on his cheek.  He looked at her confused.  _"Sweet boy.  You have come to claim her."_

"Um, well, no—" 

"_Oh, but you must surprise her.  She cannot know you are here.  She'd be furious,"_ she said, as if she had just discovered something glorious.  

_"Oh, she would be,"_ Lucius said, smiling.

_"Come, come,"_ she beckoned, and took his hand in hers.  _"She mustn't know.  You come back with me, to my home.  She will meet you there."_

With a half smile and the sudden urge to trust this old woman, he nodded, and followed, up the hills and through the suburbs, to await the meeting he had been planning since he was eighteen years old.

~*~

From across the crowd she saw him and she smiled widely and impatiently as she waved and ran to him.  He laughed, picking her up and embracing her.  She was kissed on her mouth and her neck as he picked her up, spinning her.

_"Oh, you are so terribly cliché." She said, giggling._

_"Did you miss me?" he asked, putting her down, and taking her hand._

_"No, but I am happy to see you now." She said.  _

_"I'll accept that." He laughed.  _

_She took his hand and put it lightly on her breast.  She put her face closer to his ear.  "Now take me home, now," she whispered._

_"I'll do you one better." he said, taking her wrist and pulling her into a nearby alleyway.  Then he pressed her against the wall, putting her arms above her head.  _

_"What on earth—"_

_"Shh." He said, biting her lip running his hand up her thigh, which was well hidden by a long skirt._

She brings out the worst in me, Sirius thought.  She tempted me, lied to me, and made me fall for her.  Why? Did she find it amusing? Did she think it was all a game, a joke?

He got up from his bed with only a shred of energy, only to pace his bedroom, as he frequently did.  She thought him a fool, he pondered.  I knew her, and I knew her ways, and I ignored them.  Her smirks, her bedroom play, her sinister laugh, were all part of a plan.  Yes, that was it!  she would baby talk him to make him listen to her.  She always won.  Sex.  It was always about sex.  Wasn't it?

_"You have a sort of sick desperation in your laugh.  Did you know?" _she said once, when they were young and she was sleeping with her then true love.  She conned him then to make him believe she wanted him, and she got him when she wanted.  She always did.  Her noises, her screams, and all her little requests for _more, more, more!_  They drove him mad.  Did he hate her now or did he still adore her?  He was going insane, but was it from depravation of her sex or excessive sex in general.  It was to hurt her, yes.  He wanted to hurt her, to kill her even, if only to make the pain stop.  He hoped she could feel him when he was with other women.  He hoped she was somewhere dying, or crying, feeling what she had done to him.  And she knew, she knew it all, he thought. 

He plopped down on his bed once more.  He felt like screaming, but laziness was the only thing that kept him from it.  why did he want her in pain, he wondered? He had turned into Lucius, which is what he loathed would happen.  I hate myself, really, he thought.  How could I hate her, who is my wife, my everything?  How could I damn her?  I love her……..

_To save her_, a voice in his head said.  _To save her all over again_.  That is what you want, isn't it, to be the hero?  His mind was playing games with him, taunting him, talking to him, telling him the truth, lies, anything to distract him.  

Sirius then heard a piercing, intolerant knock at his door.  Screaming internally, he got up and stretched upwards.  What is with everybody, he whined privately? It became so offensive that the tapping did not cease for about five minutes.  Taking his time, he strolled out of his bedroom, cursing under his breath.  

That's when he decided not to answer the door at all.  He stopped in the kitchen.  He would not be seen in the kitchen, with the living room separating him and the other person on the other end.  He saw the shadow dimly through the door, and although a spark of curiosity clicked in his mind, he decided to be spiteful.  And if the person really needed to come in, the back door was open.

"Damn it, Sirius, open the Goddamn door!"

Sirius froze.  It was a woman's voice.  He was not prepared for this.  He looked all about him, thinking he might actually hide.  It couldn't be—after all this time!

"I know you're home!"

He stood still, holding his breath.  For a second, a split second he thought it might have been her.  The feminine pitch threw him off.  Suddenly the shape wasn't there anymore.  It had clearly moved and he could hear the footsteps leaving the walkway.  He breathed out, thinking he had imagined it, but just then the back door behind him burst open.   It was slammed hard, and Sirius shot himself back.

Andromeda Black Tonks was a sweet faced, tall woman with pin strait black hair.  There were elements of her hair that suggested some of it was blonde, or used to be blonde.  Where the blonde hair used to be, red showed through, making it look as if some strands were on fire.  She had large eyes and a small, pouty looking mouth.  Her skin was olive, like Sirius', and her eyes were a piercing sapphire.  She was a combination of her two sisters, although she was the oldest.  Her breasts were large, like Bellatrix, but she was thinner and more statuesque, like Narcissa.  And, like Narcissa, she was more cute than beautiful, but she had a charm and a smile neither of them possessed, which gave her grace.  She was confident, yet modest, and was genuinely good. Which, similarly to Sirius, was considered a bad thing.

"Well, cousin, this is terribly rude behaviour." She said, hands on hips, with a prominent scowl.  

He sighed loudly, releasing his breath.  She looked at him confused.  He regained his bearings and stood up strait.  "Annie." He said.  "I—I'm sorry.  I thought you were someone else."

"Right." She said.  "So you just thought you'd be rude and not answer the door at all.  I'm actually a little hurt."  She looked around at the baroness of the place, the uncomfortable neatness and misplacement she felt.  Something was off.  They awkwardly embraced, and at the last second there was sincerity and kinship behind it.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.  "Um, are you hungry?"

"I came to see you," she said, and smiled, putting her hand on his unshaved cheek.  "I think the question is, what are you doing here?"

"Where else would I be?" he said.  "I live here."

"Something's missing, am I right?" she asked, poking her head into the living room.  Then she walked around into his bedroom.  It was baron as well.  "Where's the Mrs?"

"Um—"Sirius scratched his head.

"Oh, before I forget, congratulations Daddy!" she yelled, coming back in and embracing him.  "I would have come sooner, but I haven't had the time.  Dora's being a little devil lately."

"Andromeda—" Sirius put up his hand to try and silence her.

"I received the letter about a month ago and I've just got round to coming now.  But I'm so happy for you, and I came by to congratulate you and Bella myself—"

"Andromeda—" he said, a bit more forcefully.

"Where is she anyway?" she asked, folding her arms.  "Is she out? Why aren't you with her? Is Lily here too, in town I mean?  I do so miss all of you.  How is my favourite cousin and the lovely Mrs? You know I was in Flourish and Blotts the other day and I picked up the most lovely—"

"Andromeda!" he screamed. She paused, confused and dumfounded at his rudeness.

"What?"

"She's not here," he said.

"Oh," she answered.  From the tone in his voice, and his obviously melancholic state, she knew what was wrong.  She knew him that well.  They had grown up together, being the outcasts, the least favourites.  Her bubbly and hurried speech was out of nervousness.  It was not her.  He noticed, but she was on such a roll.  "Well, um. Oh—I'm sorry—I—Oh Sirius," she said, feeling incredibly embarrassed.  Then she became emotional.  "Oh, I feel so—"

"Don't Annie.  Really," he said, trying to calm her down.  He shrugged.  "It's fine."

"No.  It's not fine." She said, growing a bit angry.  She wiped her face.  "How could she? And with a baby, oh darling.  How selfish.  You'll see, she'll come back when the work becomes too much.  She's just scared, that's all," she said, rubbing his shoulder.

"There is no baby, Annie.  And no, she's not coming back," he said.

"No baby? Um, what happened to it?" she asked, wondering how appropriate it was.

"She miscarried," he said.  

"But she was passed her fifth month.  It said so in her letter," she said, astonished.

"Yes, you mentioned that.  She never told me she wrote to you," he said.  "It's fine and all, but I just never knew.  We were keeping it private."

"She wanted to know what to do with herself.  I'm the only one who has had a child so far, you know.  She just wanted some advice.  She sounded happy enough though.  She said that, besides you, it was the happiest accident that ever happened to her."

Sirius smiled.  "Do you have it?"

"No." she said.  "Why would I?"

"I don't know.  She never should have gotten pregnant," he said.

"Well, she was on birth control, right? It is the 70's.  You do use it, don't you?"

"We did, yes.  But sometimes, you know.  She forgot a couple of times, she said."

"The she should double the next day," Andromeda said.

"Well I don't know how it works," he said, getting a bit shirty.  "I didn't double check or anything." 

"It doesn't matter anyway.  It is only 97% effective," she said.

"Well they should put that on the bloody box!" he yelled.

"I think they do, Sirius," she said, smirking.  Then she surveyed him closer.  "You look like shit."

"I think I'm going mad."

"It happens."

"No, not like this.  You can't possibly understand.  I feel too many things.  I don't know if I love her or hate her anymore," he said.

"You can't hate her for being afraid."

"I can hate her for ruining our marriage thought.  It was damned from the start."

"How do you figure?" she asked.  "You're ruining it by cheating."

"Huh? How did you know?"

"Gossip spreads fast, even to Sussex," she said, smirking. 

"Oh, she was always cheating."

"No—"

"Oh yes.  She thinks I don't know.  I just overlooked it because I loved her so.  She wrote it all down, every encounter, and every fuck.  It made her guilty, but she did it anyway.  I guess one never gets tired of the Malfoy cock, huh?"

"Oh, ick!" she said, shooting back.

"I'm sorry, Annie.  Listen, you should go.  There is nothing for you here.  I am too tired of burying myself in the past.  It must end."

"And how do you propose you'll do that?" she asked.  

He shrugged.  "You never know.  There are many ways to make the pain stop."

~*~

Through the second door she walked, casually, letting it swing behind her, and Karkaroff following.  With clear eyes and head, she surveyed her surroundings, and with a cracking sound and a "holy shit!" she turned her attention to the far right corner.  She looked at the green table and saw the round, white marble ball pass through a pocket.  She smirked, but not before adding, "Scratch."

No, he was not there, she thought, relieved.  Then again, why would he be?  He didn't trouble with such things anymore.  He was too busy conspiring on how to take over Europe first, and that was coming sooner than she would expect.

"You ruined my shot, you cunt," she heard, through a deep, coughing voice.

"That's alright, you suck ass anyway," said another man, leaning against a cue stick for, it seemed, balance.

"Now who the bloody fuck are you?" said the first man.  "Dessert?" he said, and laughed.

"I told Maurice no whores until dinner," said the second.

She was calmer now.  She listened to them, not prepared for this type of sexist ridicule, but she assumed they were too drunk or high to point their wands strait.  This room wasn't nearly as creepy and desolate as the last.  She walked slower towards them, making sure she walked upright, and stopped to study them more.  Then recognizing the painfully familiar face, she smirked.  "Why, dear Regulus, have you forgotten me, your dearly departed sister-in-law?" she said, talking to him as though he were her son, or her lover.  She couldn't detect the voice either.  She was kidding of course, but she said it too lazily for anything to be made out of it.

"Sister in law?" he said, racking the balls on the table.  "I have no sister in law.  I haven't a brother, so I couldn't possibly have a sister in law," he said, taking out a cigarette behind his ear and lighting it.

"Don't be foolish, _little king_," she said, and he stopped.  "You do remember me, don't you?"  She was speaking not seductively, but in a rather offended tone.  How could he possibly forget her!  Why, it was almost rude, she thought.

He knew who she was, but denied it privately, thinking she was some trick of his mind, or a manifestation of desire that had been plaguing him since his move to that dreadful city.  But, she was like his sister, he thought.  However there was nothing brotherly about how he pictured her.  

"You're a man now," she said, as if she had anything to do with it.

He walked towards her with Black superiority and looked her deep in the face.  He crossed his arms and circled her.  She stared into his disbelieving eyes and smiled.  He stepped back, and took in her appearance.  No, he thought.  Not after—all this time.  It was confirmed, for she wasn't seventeen anymore.  No, she certainly wasn't.  He sighed, but then blurted out, as childishly as humanly possible, "You _married_ him?"

"Mm hmm," she said, and crossed her arms to rival his.  

"What the fuck are you doing here then?" he said, angrily, walking back to his table.  He lit up a cigarette.  No, cigarettes smelled of smoke.  This smell was more _distinct_.

"Business," was all she said, scrunching her nose.  The fumes had made her eyes water.

 "You don't _belong_ here."  He said this with a juvenile behaviour she didn't forget, and remembered how little she cared for.  

"Neither do you.  Christ, it looks like Dorian Grey threw up all over that horrific set up out there."

"It's just the junkies, my dear Bella," he said, approaching her once more.  "Just to scare wonderers away."

" A lot like I remember," she said.

"Were you frightened?"

"A tad, well, no not really," she said, honestly.

Then Regulus Black smiled at her, and his eyes, reminiscent of Sirius', made her heart tremble, and she was frozen by their gaze.  He opened his arms and hugged her sweetly, generously, and she returned it, forgetting how nice it felt to be held like that, by a man.  "So, what have you been doing with yourself, my _Belle_?  Living the high life?"

"Hardly," she whispered.

He shook his head.  "I can't believe you married my _brother_," he said, saying the last word as if he had just tasted something awfully bitter.  "Why?"

"I thought you didn't have a brother," she said, behind a laugh.  "Comfort reasons.  It didn't work out."

"Is he not treating you right? Is that why you ran away, to _me_?" he said, smirking, and rubbing her shoulders.

"I think you are confused by our relationship.  I never intended to be with you," she said, offending him, but only slightly.  "No.  Sirius was actually…….quite perfect," she said, a glassy film beginning to cover her eyes.  Regulus' smile faded.

"So why did you come to me? I'm not going to talk to him," he said, but she knew that was obvious.

"I didn't come here to talk about your brother," she said, waving her hand away.  "I don't rightly know what I came here for."

"Yes you do," he said.  "It sure as hell wasn't a stroll down memory lane."

"Oh, hell no," she said, shuddering.  "Now, tell me, are you right twenty yet?" she asked, gliding her hand on the pool table.

"Yea, why?"

"Oh, how lovely.  So, have they made you……..part of the circle yet?"

"No.  What's with the small talk?"

"For fuck's sake, Regulus!  Let me finish. Ugh, see, now I'm frustrated."

"For fuck's sake, you needn't take all this baggage out on me.  I didn't do anything," Regulus said.

"No, darling, you didn't," she said.  "And I actually didn't plan to see you, but now that you're here—"

"I hope you don't want a favour," he said, blowing a puff of smoke in the air.

"Well—"

"I'll do you a favour, missy. Come over here—"

"Rabastan, shut up.  Can he leave?" she asked.

"No."

"Bleedin' Christ.  Is that Renton?" Rabastan said, slurring and swaying.

"Hi," she said.

"Blimey," he said, laughing.  

"I need to speak with you, Mr. Black, and it needs to be private," she said, accenting her last word so that Regulus cocked his head, whereupon Rabastan left the room, only to listen from a more discreet location.

"Who did you expect would be here?" Regulus asked.  "The Dark Lord makes no trips out here."

"I might have guessed.  I wanted to speak with one of the old crowd, or kill them, or torture them.  I haven't yet decided."

"Ah, a woman scorned.  I thought you'd turn out this way."

"Did you? Well, what I need from you is information."

"Of what sort?" he asked, suddenly interested.

"And if you go blabbing I _will_ kill you, without question.  So don't fuck with me."

"Fine, my God.  You know what'll happen if I do, though.  I'd rather you kill me."

She paused, and started clicking her nails on the ancient pool table.  "Regulus," she said, and sighed.  "Do you love me?"

He looked at her oddly, and scratched his head.  "On what grounds?" he asked.

"I need your help," she said, taking his hand and bringing it to her.  "I need to end this, if only for me, or Sirius, or us, whatever.  He has to stop," she whispered.

"What do you propose I do for you?" he said, pulling his hand away.  "If you think I'm going to betray—"

"Regulus, _please_—" she said.  "I know there are things you know, inner circle or not—"

"Hold on.  If you think I'm going to go against what I believe in simply for your desire to know _information_ then you are madder than I could have ever conceived! I took an oath.  I made a vow, which I refuse to break, unlike you!" he said, pointing fiercely at her.  "I am committed to my cause—"

"The cause that kills innocent people, good people, and the very wizards who elevated you to your superior status?  Listen to what you're saying!  This is wrong, and you know it.  You're doing it for your family, to be the perfect son because Sirius was a failure!  You think it's noble to parade in black robes and conjure a Morsmordre just to prove you stood against society?  Voldomort will not make things better, don't you see?  He will only destroy.  What do you think will happen once he sees he doesn't need you?  What will you do once it's done?  Will you be able to live with yourself?"

"Oh, listen to you, you hypocrite!  You joined because you were in love.  You joined because there was no way out.  No isn't that interesting?  And you _believed_!  You believed in us, in everything, in power and purity when you are half-Muggle yourself!  You defied us, me, Lucius, all of us!  You made him out to be a fool, but you still bear it, and you can still feel it," he said, yanking her arm and showing her the mark of her insanity.

"But that's all changed, can't you tell?  I may be mad, but I would die to save all of you from this.  I would die for you, Regulus, if it meant you might have a chance at something real.  I had that.  I had it with Sirius, and it was wonderful," she said, sounding incredibly emotional.  "This is not happiness.  Look at us, how we've become.  None of us are happy."

"I am happy!" he screamed.  "You come here and show your face, you traitor, and act like you are entitled to something.  Thinking by your witchy ways that you can fool me into thinking you're here for _me_, to help me.  You are here for yourself! You want absolution? You want vengeance?  Go to a fucking church!  You want to be forgiven by the people you run out on? You don't deserve it!  Even my brother doesn't deserve an unfaithful wench like you!"

Diana began to shake.  He sounded like her husband when he yelled, and she realized what a mistake this was. Never was he out of her mind, and never did she yearn for him so deeply, to hold her, be inside her, to end the infinite suffering.  She dropped to the floor.  Her knees could no longer handle it.  Everything he said had been true.  Everything she had taught herself to believe was laid out in shambles at her feet.  She buried her ebony hair in her hands and ran her long, dark fingernails through it, crying out in pain.  Alarmed, he crouched next to her, never knowing how to comfort a woman.

"Sirius!" she cried, blubbering like an infant.  "I'm sorry……..I'm so sorry," she sobbed.  She had the emotional breakdown that was due, and Regulus stared at her in fear, and confusion.  

He waited for her to desist before attempting to speak.  "I shouldn't have said those things," he said.

"It's true.  I don't fault you.  I just—oh what was I thinking?  I know what I have to do now," she sniffled.  "I have to end this, all of this, and there is only one way to do that now.  It's the only way."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"This has to stop.  I have to stop, and there is only one way to do it.  I have to shut myself off."

"Huh? What?"

"Forget this, this meeting.  Forget all of it, of me."  Her hands started to shake.

"Stop this."

"Just promise me, if you ever see him again, your brother.  Tell him…..tell him—"

"Quiet.  Don't talk like that.  What on earth—"

"Tell him I love him."

"Well, the man loves you.  We all loved you, in our own way, but Sirius……..I never spoke to him and I could still tell he wanted you.  He loves you in a sweeter way than Lucius does."

"I suppose," she said.  "It doesn't matter now."

"It does to you.  You had happiness, which is more than I can hope for here.  Strong or weak as you were, you sought it.  I can't blame you for that."

"Oh, why are you here, my dear?  You are too sweet for this nonsense," she said.

"Now, don't insult me.  I just know what I see."

"And what do you see?  This empty shell, my loveliness, it means nothing.  What does it mean? I only bring pain.  Don't you see?" she asked, sniffling.

He leaned in closer to her and took her hand, positioning himself better.  "I'll tell you," he whispered.  "But you must promise me that it will never leave this room.  I'll tell you everything."  He melted for her, as so many did.  He saw her pain, and what a commitment such as this had brought her.  He did love her, in his own way.  Anything to make her stop crying, he thought.  The information would not be of use anyway.  Just a slip, for the common good.  That was how he rationalized it.

Rabastan, from his secret place, overhearing every word had suddenly become alert.  He smiled a most sinister smile, and rubbed his hands together, foreshadowing what a joyous surprise the demise of Regulus would be, and how a visit to his Lord would be in order.

"No," she said, getting up.  "No, you mustn't.  I can't.  What good would it do?  Not you, you can't be punished.  Misguided as you are, you cannot!"

"Diana, Diana, lower your voice."

"Goodbye, my dear," she said, squeezing his hand.  Without wiping her tears away, she fled that room, never to return to it.  With her perfectly painted face looking like a washed out watercolour painting, she emerged back to the streets, the sun making her blind.  Its garish rays making her head hurt and her feet stumble, she walked away from her life, never expecting to see anyone she loved again.


End file.
